Unlucky 13 Finale: The Horsemen of Apokolips vs. The Royal Highness

  Greetings, fleshy spectators of Earth, it is I, GoBotron. The one known as “Daveatu” has awakened me from my eternal sleep mode to initiate a combat sequence culminating in the conference of a ship in my possession to the owner of the surviving combatants. I sense now that this conflict has raged on my surface for weeks. I have been free for so long from the annoyance of my previous inhabitants, I have become complacent. I will no longer allow the presence of petty beings to mar my physical form. I have ejected the weakest of your forces from my surface and reassembled The Revenge from the scrap left behind by the invaders who claimed the warring natives. I have transported your remaining pawns to my core chamber to settle their scores so I might return to my peace. They seem unsurprised by my teleportation process, as if accustomed to being pulled through time and space for such arrangements. For a moment they hesitate and observe their new surroundings. Firestorm points out The Revenge displayed on my central monitor, and the image alone acts as a fast catalyst. My work is done and my solitude will soon be secure. I will leave the remaining narration to your Watcher.

  Daveatu here. Boy, wasn't that a special guest introduction? No? Oh well I tried. Moving along... The two groups converge and begin efforts to disassemble one another. The light-imbued Transformers of the Horsemen are among the first to initiate as they attempt to neutralize the threat posed by The Ideon. The Phantom Stranger once again moves into position to control the mech as Springer pries at its armored panels with a giant construct crowbar. Neither Slag nor The Phantom have patience for this method, and The Ideon brings a beam sword through Springer as Slag unleashes a torrent of burning fluids from his mouth. The corrosive spew seeps between the loosened plates of The Ideon, and it falls under its own weight, with The Stranger transporting himself away from the wreck. “ROBOT SPACE GOD WEAK” the Dinobot snarls before thrashing about in a state of victory-rage. The distraction caused by the robots helps weed out the less focused warriors; Chriselion’s shield against the attacking Ce Ce Denowai falters, and his appendages are removed via lightsaber. Chameleon is caught off guard as well when Taskmaster’s whip seizes him by the neck lasso style, yanking him to Taskmaster’s rising knee with breakneck force. In turn, Taskmaster fails to notice Hush lining up a shot to his face, and all his photographic memories spill from the exit wound. Keeping the chain distraction flowing, Deathstroke leaps over Taskmaster’s still-falling body and quarters Hush before he can raise a gun to oppose him. Beneath his mask, a muffled sob is heard as he looks back longingly at Taskmaster’s meat-shell, his one chance at true love cut short by the mayhem.

  From across the room, Sunstreaker’s blaster provides Denowai with a new orifice. “Most powerful female Jedi, meet the most bad*ss gay Autobot. No, you know, make that the most badass Transformer PERIOD. I’m a boss. No, make that THE Boss.” gloats Sunstreaker. Micah Jiett and Jedi #41 engage White Suit Anakin but wind up locked in a classic “Both parties are so powerful, how long are they gonna do this” lightsaber duel. Linus Van Pelt finds himself hungry and makes an attempt on Fry Guy #3’s life, but Smaug has a bigger appetite to satisfy and snatches them both up as a value meal, showing no compassion for his own mascot. High Evolutionary amuses himself by manipulating Beast’s underdeveloped mutant form, advancing him to his furry blue stage in an instant. Firestorm steps in to show him how it’s done, and the two begin competing to matter-manipulate the most intriguing form possible with Beast’s material. Frustrated and unable to top High Evolutionary’s mastery of mutation, Firestorm turns Beast to solid silver. “I’m done, this game is stupid anyway. Enjoy your SECOND PLACE trophy.” Super Soldier charges Black Hand, subconsciously resenting the ring bestowed upon him. Before he can take revenge for the sake of The Revenge, White Lantern Sinestro engulfs him in white flame, flickering yellow and red as it eats away his necrotic flesh. “Don’t mention it. Really, just don’t.” the Lantern warns his unlikely ally. Nova and Exodus stare each other down warily as the Xandarian Worldmind contemplates the next move to make. Exodus attempts to control Nova’s mind but the shock from the Worldmind’s presence momentarily disables both parties. Invincible steps up and waves a hand in front of Nova’s face as The Phantom Stranger re-materializes beside them. “Don’t bother with them just yet,” he instructs, “they’ll snap back soon.” Invincible looks relieved. “I thought you b*tched out again when that insane dinosaur thing melted your toy. Got anything good left for us?” “Well…” The Stranger began, “There is one thing that might make the difference, but it would take all the remaining power I’ve been allotted for this round." "Dude, I don't even know what that means when YOU say it. We made it this far, just do it already." Invincible insisted. The Stranger stretched his arms above his head and cracked his neck in preparation. He called out to the Horsemen, "Hey guys, want an even better prize than that spaceship you're after?" All heads in the room turned to hear the offer. "I've got just the thing! Cosmic SuperAIDS!" The Phantom puffed out into a fine mist of blood before streaming into the many wounds and orifices of the opposition. Sunstreaker scoffed. “If I wasn’t immune to AIDS I would be very offended right now.” Despite their great power, this is no ordinary strain of AIDS. The Horsemen are visibly weakened and begin to sweat.. The exception is Slag, whose ring is charged by the infectious blood, an unplanned consequence of the otherwise effective sacrifice. Nova and Exodus snap out of their mind-lock when Exodus begins to feel ill. Nova turns to Smaug, now having trouble holding his food, and blows his head apart. Anakin, horrified by the blood stains that will never come out of his pristine armor, is finally taken down by Jiett and Jedi #41. Their victory is short lived as Exodus demonstrates his telekinetic power, lifting both off the ground at once. He puts them in a spherical forcefield and shakes them with tremendous force until the ball is a swirling mass of Jedi puree. 

The Horsemen heavily outnumber The Highness, but their remaining forces don’t back down. Invincible moves with incredible speed and begins to fire high-velocity spit at his immune-compromised foes. His expectoration is strong enough to break through the armor of Deathstroke and High Evolutionary, and they wither away to skin and bones in an instant. Sinestro is hit by one of the mucosal projectiles but the power of the White Light of Life boosts his immunity considerably and he only develops sniffles. As Exodus and Invincible go toe to toe, Sunstreaker and Nova try to stop the now-empowered Slag, who is roaring wildly and spewing infectious, corrosive AIDS-Blood and motor oil in all directions. Unfortunately, Sunstreaker is caught in the face by the filth and reduced to a molten puddle before Nova can spin Slag by the tail and slam him to pieces against a wall. “We’re not looking great, Invincible, now would be the time to live up to your name!” Nova pleads. A rush of adrenaline hits Invincible and he unleashes a speedy flurry of blows against Exodus. The forcefield he holds in front of him rings out sharply as Invincible’s fists strain against it. With a battle cry, Invincible lands a punch in its center, but it seems to have no effect. Exodus smirks. “It was a nice try, at lea-” he’s cut short as a cracking sound begins. The wall of force begins to shatter and his eyes widen. “Im-impossible!” he stammers. As the field shatters, concussive and electrical forces shoot out in every direction, and Exodus is crushed flat against the wall far behind him. “Wrong. It’s ‘Invincible’”. Without missing a beat, he turns to Firestorm and lifts his head in both hands, then cranes his neck towards Nova to speak. “Sorry, Rider, but it’s come down to this yet again. It’s the only way.” Firestorm, horrified, attempts to alter his physical makeup, but even Invincible’s atoms are reinforced too strongly to move. “What the hell are you?!” Jason screams. Mark Grayson looks him dead in the eye, his pupils constricted to incompassionate points of blackness. “I’m the winner.” He tears Firestorm down the middle, and a blinding flash of atomic energy overcomes GoBotron.