George Washington's Slaves vs. Xavier's Annihilation Squad

I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 3 Match: George Washington's Slaves vs. Xavier's Annihilation Squad.

The Slaves are Cthulu, Jason Bourne, Fidel Castro, Colossus, T-1000, Loki, SpongeBob Squarepants, Crash Bandicoot, Sonny (from I-Robot), Super Soldier, Inspector Gadget, Al Dawg, A.C. Slater, Jimmy Neutron, N.S.-5s #39 and 40, Red Dragon #10, Bronze Dragon #30, Navy Seal Chief Petty Officers #8 and 9, and Navy Seals #21-25 and 27.

The Squad is Ursa, Mary Embry, Barbossa and 5 Crewmembers, Davy Jones and 5 Crewmembers, The Kraken, Darth Bane, Ancient Sith Lords #1 and 2, Black Tom Cassidy, Sailor Moon, Ninja Pirates #1, 2 and 5 and Pirates #11-14.

Since no locker rooms have been provided for this match I am unaware of how the Teams will compete and what their strategies will be. Thus, I look upon the Atlantic Ocean. . .

The Annihilation Squad separates into two factions. Barbossa with his five crewmembers use their ship, the Black Pearl. Barbossa travels with Embry, Black Tom Cassidy, Darth Bane, Sailor Moon and Pirates #11-14. Davy Jones with his five crewmembers use their ship, the Flying Dutchman. Along with Jones and his crew are Ursa, Ancient Sith Lords #1 and 2, and Ninja Pirates #1, 2 and 5. As the ships head into battle, Ursa and Embry signal each other and take to the air.

The Slaves also separate into two groups. Inspector Gadget uses his entire body and limbs to create a boat-like platform for his party to stand on. On Inspector Gadget are Jason Bourne, Fidel Castro, Jimmy Neutron, A. C. Slater, Navy Seal Chief Petty Officers #8 and 9 and Al Dawg. The T-1000 uses its malleability to create a flotilla. On the T-1000 are Colossus, Sonny, N.S.-5s #39 and 40, Loki, Crash Bandicoot, Sonny, and Navy Seals #21-25 and 27. Super Solider and Red Dragon #10 take to the air and both Bronze Dragon #30 and SpongeBob take to the water.

Bourne: Where’s Al Dawg? I didn’t see him aboard Gadget or the T-1000. [Little do the Slaves know, but Dawg, in a drug induced stupor, noticed a nice, warm place to hide. Since he did not have the moist earth of a porch, he went into Gadget’s pants - - a nice, warm and moist place].

The two fleets head toward one another. . .

Barbossa and Jones, in unison scream to their crewmembers: Man the cannons me hearties! Argh!

The steadfast crews of the Black Pearl and Flying Dutchman arm their cannons and turn the boats in unison, one port and one starboard, so that the two ghost ships encircle Gadget and the T-1000.

Barbossa and Jones: FIRE!!!!

The cannon balls reach Gadget and his crew. The Super Soldier uses his strength, speed and shield to deflect all of the balls into the water. The balls splash the Gadget members. A.C. Slater’s perfectly sculpted (and now wet body) glistens in the sun for all to marvel.

The T-1000’s crew is not as lucky as Gadget’s crew. Although several of the balls miss their mark, one manages to obliterate Navy Seal #27. In response to their fallen comrade, Navy Seal Chief Petty Officer #8 screams: "Non sibi sed patriae," and then enters the Ocean. Officer #9, along with Navy Seals #21-25 dive over the side, following their passionate leader. The Navy Seals manage to slice through the cold and choppy waters to the opposing teams’ boats.

Officer #9 and Seals #21-23 begin to climb the Black Pearl. Officer # 8 and Seals #24 and #25 climb aboard the Flying Dutchman. Both parties are met by Pirates.

Aboard the Pearl, Officer #9 and Seals #21-23 are met with Pirates #11-14. Aboard the Dutchman, Officer # 8 and Seals #24 and 25 are met with Ninja Pirates #1, 2 and 5.

The Seal clan aboard the Pearl easily handle and kill Pirates #11-14. Black Tom Cassidy, using his shillelagh and utilizing the wood features of the Pearl creates a concussive blast that instantly kills Seal #21 and knocks Officer #9 and Seals # 22 and 23 off the ship. Just before the three hit the water, they are held in place by Darth Bane and the Force. Bane then slowly causes the Seals to rise, just above the railing which surrounds the boat’s topside.

Cassidy: Oy laddy, I know you can do away with them easily, but lest we have some fun I might ask ‘ye?

Bane smiles, knowing what Cassidy is thinking. Bane force pushes the Seals in the air. Cassidy uses his shillelagh as a bat and smashes each one of the Seals in the head. The force crushes their skulls and sends them through the air and finally into the water. Officer # 9 and Seals #22 and 23 are dead. Cassidy smiles, grabs his stomach and screams in agony as he begins a further transformation of his morphology. . .

Aboard the Dutchman, Ninja Pirates #1 and 2 kill Seals #24 and 25. This enrages Officer #8, and through some miracle (not to mention the superior training skills of the United States military), Officer #8 manages to kill all of the Ninja Pirates, being #1, 2 and 5. Officer #8 looks around and is met by all five of the Dutchman’s monstrous crewmembers. Officer # 8 is torn apart and eaten by the crew.

Knowing that the “cannonball” approach is not what is necessary, at near supersonic speed, both Ursa and Embry fly into the air and come down, squarely hitting the Slaves’ crafts.

Gadget. . .

Gadget is destroyed by Embry and all members aboard Gadget are thrown into the water. Dawg, still in a stupor and protected by Gadget’s pants, awakens, holding onto the Inspector’s boxer shorts (which are now a flotation device). SpongeBob joins Dawg on Gadget’s trousers, thinking Gadget’s pants are more than any one man can handle by himself.

The rest of the Slaves are in the water. Jason Bourne is knocked unconscious and floats on top of the icy Atlantic waters (SHOUT OUT TO THE MOVIE!). Fidel Castro is near freezing (since he is accustomed to the warm Pacific waters), but is alive. Jimmy Neutron and Slater also remain.

Ancient Sith Lords #1 and 2 look over at the four easy kills in the water. They will each kill two of those in the Ocean. They start to force choke both Neutron and Slater. Just as the boy genius and high school wrestling star are about to die, Red Dragon #10 uses its breath to incinerate the force wielders. The two Sith Lords are now mere cinders of ash, caused by the dragon’s intensely heated fire.

T-1000. . .

The T-1000, although having a hole in its middle area, is reformatting itself into another craft. Sonny and the N.S.-5s #39 and 40 decide to enter the Atlantic. Colossus, Loki, and Crash decide to remain with the T-1000. The N.S.-5s and Sonny quickly swim toward the Pearl. Using their intricate fingers, the droids climb aboard the ship. They are met with the crewmembers of the Pearl. Although the ghost pirates are agile fighters, they are no match for the droids. The pirates of the Pearl are quickly dispatched. The droids then focus on Sailor Moon. Sailor Moon attempts to use her moon powers on the NS-5s without immediate damage. While the NS-5s are closing in on Moon, Bane appears behind the droid and in one slashing action, cuts the NS-5s in half. Sonny, knowing that he is outmanned by Bane jumps overboard and swims to the Flying Dutchman, attempting to inflict damage upon the team on that boat. Sonny is greeted by the Dutchman’s crewmembers. Although monstrosities, Sonny manages to single-handedly kill the Dutchman’s crew. Sonny then faces Davy Jones.

Jones: Argh, although ye be a monster yourself, you will never prevail against mine.

A huge tentacle reaches up from the water and wraps itself around Sonny. The tentacle brings Sonny’s face to Jones.

Jones [looks and smiles]: Good riddance to you. [The Kraken crushes Sonny and carries the droid back into the Atlantic].

Bronze Dragon #30 locates its teammates. Slater, Neutron, Castro and the now conscious Bourne use the dragon’s body as a flotation device. The Dragon lets out a howl as seaweed begins to wrap around its body. Looking at the Pearl, Cassidy is using his newfound powers to manipulate the plant life of the ocean. Cassidy has created a mesh-like net from seaweed that has now surrounded the Bronze Dragon and its allies. After mere seconds, the Dragon, Slater, Castro, Neutron and Bourne are encased with seaweed.

Cassidy: In honor of next week’s St. Patty’s Day (during which I will be drinkin’ me heart silly), I, shall allow your deaths to be quick.

The seaweed begins to tighten and crush the lives out of Slater, Castro, Neutron and Bronze Dragon #30. Just as soon as his death is imminent, Bourne manages to escape. His comrades, Slater, Castro and Neutron are not as lucky. The Bronze Dragon is mortally wounded, but notices that Cassidy is standing in water on the deck of the Pearl. Dragon #30 uses its lightning breath. The lightning travels through the water and up to the Pearl where Cassidy is standing. The water, being a conduit, electrocutes Cassidy. Cassidy dies, but notices that the Dragon dies with him. Cassidy dies a good Irish death; one that brings a smile to his face as he thinks he will be remembered as a modern day St. George, slaying the dragon.

Bourne swims back to his other teammates, which are now talking with one another, trying to regroup and create a new plan of attack. Bourne, Colossus (in human form), T-1000, Loki, Crash are huddled together in the water. Super Solider and Red Dragon #10 are flying above. Cthulu has still not shown itself.

On the other side of the Ocean battlefield is Barbossa, Bane and Moon on the Pearl; Jones on the Dutchman; the Kraken under the water and Ursa and Embry hovering above.

The superpowers focus on one another. Embry flies to Red Dragon #10 and Ursa flies to Super Soldier. The Red Dragon is not as fast as Embry. Although the Dragon spews its fire toward Embry, Embry easily dodges the flames. Embry manages to get behind the dragon and takes hold of one of its wings. She manages to tear the left wing off, leaving the Dragon to crash into the water. The Dragon struggles in the water.

Noticing the intense splashes above, the Kraken comes to the surface and eats the dragon. It then notices the other inhabitants in the water. It jets toward Bourne, Colossus (in human form), T-1000, Loki, and Crash. Bourne and Crash become instant bait for the gigantic sea creature. Colossus manages to grip the creature and transforms into his metallic self. He battles the creature with Loki and the T-1000. The T-1000 morphs its arms into steel spikes which repeatedly strike the beast. The beast, hurt and angry, lashes out at the remaining fighters. Embry, energized from her defeat of Red Dragon #10, flies upon the scene and strikes Loki with all her might. Loki sails through the air.

Embry: Ursa!!!! Stop messing around with pretty boy!!! I need your help!!! Now!!!!

Ursa’s battle with the Super Solider is legendary. They are in a heated battle, throwing and dodging blow after blow after blow. Nonetheless, Ursa manages to get the better of Solider (for just an instant) and throws him across the sky. Ursa then flies to where Embry and the other combatants remain.

Ursa uses her breath to freeze both metallic combatants, the T-1000 and Colossus. Their frozen and somewhat mummified bodies remain barely buoyant in the water. They will sink to the bottom in minutes. Yet, this is a death match and the Squad needs to be sure they are that – dead –not just lying at the bottom of the Ocean with a slight chance of survival. Both Ursa and Embry use their enhanced strength to punch their enemies. The T-1000 shatters in a hundred pieces. Due to the fact that the pieces are scattered throughout the chilly waters, there is no way for the T-1000 to reformulate itself and thus, the machine dies. Ursa, using her strength and the fact that the Colossus’ metal body is near frozen, manages to punch a hole in the chest cavity of the X-man. Colossus dies instantly.

All the commotion above finally makes Cthulu to react. The Lovecraftian, aquatic and cosmic monster storms above the waters and begins to lash out at the Kraken. The Kraken, already weakened, succumbs to the devastation caused by Cthulu. Thus, Cthulu dispatches with the Kraken with little effort.

Meanwhile. . . .

SpongeBob: Dawg! Dawg! Wake up!!!!

Dawg [disheveled and awake]: So. . . cold. . . want. . .to go someplace warm. . .

SpongeBob: No time for a dirt nap now Dawg! We need to help our teammates.

Dawg: That’s okay, I’m just going to watch a little longer.

Back at the Battleground. . .

Cthulu still enraged looks to destroy the remaining members of the Squad. Cthulu notices the Pearl coming at it full speed. The monster rises above the ship, ready to begin its destruction of the remaining members still aboard the vessel. It does not notice the Dutchman now rising from the waters and heading straight for it from behind.

Jones: Time to die you foul beast! Argh!!!

The Dutchman races toward Cthulu. The boat’s front strikes Cthulu and pierces the creature through its stomach. Cthulu lurches in agony. Then, the Pearl, coming from behind, pierces the beast’s chest. Cthulu gives an agonizing howl and dies, shish-ka-bobbed between the Pearl and Dutchman.

The Super Solider, now recovered, flies toward the combatants. He is met by Darth Bane who is now on the Pearl’s crow’s nest. Bane’s lightsaber repeatedly sparks and dings the Soldier’s shield. The shield takes the brunt of the blows and Bane is reminded of the similar effects cortosis has on a lightsaber.

Super Soldier: Bane, you know my Rule of Two? One!!!! [Bane is fast, but the Soldier in this moment is faster. Solider uses the shield to strike Bane’s stomach. Bane keels over]. Two!!! [Soldier then uses the shield in a crushing blow to the head that smashes the force wielder’s skull].

The battle is now between Jones, Embry, Barbossa and Ursa against Super Soldier and Loki. Moon cannot be found. Dawg and SpongeBob are still watching from the water. The fight is furious between the combatants. Jones and Barbossa team up against Loki and manage to actually do some damage against the Trickster god. As Loki falls to his knees, hurt, but not mortally, Jones and Barbossa both bring their swords down to cut Loki’s head off. Loki manages to kill Barbossa before the blow, but Jones manages to strike Loki at the carotid artery. Loki looks is shock as he was actually hurt by the blade of a squid-head. The blood flows as Loki manages to do one last “trick.” Loki, mortally wounded, uses magical manipulation to create the illusion that Jones is Super Soldier. Embry, confused for the moment, comes upon him and kills her own teammate, Jones, by accident, thinking it is Super Soldier.

Embry’s confusion only lasts a minute as the heated battle continues when Embry realizes what Loki did before his death. She joins Ursa in her fight against the real Super Solider. The Super Solider manages to use his shield and strength against the women, but a man is no match for two women (in any part of society or existence). Thus, although the Super Soldier manages to kill Embry, the women best the Soldier, who is killed in the end. Ursa flies above the waters and sees the destruction that both teams left in their wake.

She then comes upon a surreal scene. She sees Moon standing above both SpongeBob and Dawg on a piece of Gadget. Moon is whispering to Dawg.

Moon: Dawg, I know you are cold and tired.

SpongeBob: Don’t listen to her dog!

Moon: Dawg, let go of your mortal body and allow your soul free!

SpongeBob: Dawg, don’t listen to her!!!

Ursa uses her heat vision to fry SpongeBob. He will no longer influence this situation.

Moon: Allow my light to envelope you and take you away with others who have gone before you. . . Carlos Olivera. . . . Little Goomba #1. . . Goblin #1. . . Tyler Durden. . . Kimbo Slice. . .

Dawg: Yes. . .

Moon: Let go Dawg. Let go.

Dawg notices the moon crystal around Sailor Moon’s neck and smiles at the thought of the movie Titanic. Like Jack, he is sacrificing himself for love – the love of a hot Anime piece of a@%. Dawg lets go and drifts down into a watery grave where no one will be able to reach him again. He dies with a smile on his face and at peace.

Slaves: All dead.
Squad: Ursa and Sailor Moon survive.

XAVIER’S ANNIHILATION SQUAD IS VICTORIOUS!!!!