TEAM vs. BUILT (BILL) FORD TOUGH

"The Big Chief Burger you are gulping down, a piece of local history"
―Daily Tribune

With St. Patrick’s Day on the horizon, I transport the teams for this Week 1 Match to Duggan’s Irish Pub in Royal Oak, Michigan. They are as follows:

Team: Ultraman, Jared Pilkington, Crippled Pete Sosa and Boken.

Built (Bill) Ford Tough: Han Solo, Chewbacca, Indiana Jones, Harrison Ford, Barry Sanders, Mr. T and Treasure Troll #26.

Crippled Pete Sosa scans the opposing team’s participants in an attempt to focus on the one Built (Bill) Ford Tough member he can defeat and finally finds it – Treasure Troll #26. Sosa hobbles over to the Troll who clenches his fists in anticipation of the fight. The skirmish is short lived as “CP” (Crippled Pete) uses his left crutch to pin Troll #26 against the wall. The Troll’s hair fans out and momentarily blinds CP. CP overcomes the furious, furry, feisty freak and uses his right crutch to smash Troll #26’s head against the wall. . . repeatedly. Treasure Troll #26’s battered and bloodied body falls to the floor.

Mr. T sees his fallen comrade and uses his pre-A-Team, bouncer abilities to quickly reach CP. He drags CP across the bar, breaking liquor bottles and glasses along the way. CP attempts, but fails, to drink the liquor as he slides across the paneled countertop. CP hits the floor and slowly gets up. As soon as he is standing, CP is struck by Barry Sanders barreling into him. CP’s body falls to the floor, once again. Sanders moves CP’s head to the foot rail hung at the bottom of the bar and wraps his near-unconscious mouth around the pole. Mr. T stomps on CP’s head and gives him his bar-version of a curb-job. CP’s neck is broken and he dies. Ultraman flies over to the scene and crushes the heads of Mr. T and Barry Sanders by smashing them together.

Jared Pilkington is in shock at seeing the gruesome demise of his friend CP. As he rushes over to pay his respects, he is met by Indiana Jones’ whip. The whip slashes the top of Pilkington’s pants off. Pilkington looks down to see his underwear (boxers or briefs – that question will remain private) on the floor. Harrison Ford sees Pilkington dismayed and strikes him over the head with a chair. Pilkington falls down to his knees in front of Harrison Ford. He is then met with Indy’s whip around his neck. Pilkington reacts instantly and pulls the whip. Jones lets go of the whip and sees the end of his weapon-of-choice fly in the air. The ceiling fan catches the whip and carries Pilkington up in the air as it rotates around the fan’s base. Ford and Jones watch as Pilkington begins to be strangled, his pants around his knees and legs flailing in the air. Pilkington’s head hits the fan and his neck snaps. Before he dies, Pilkington hopes that the FFL coroners do not label his death as one of autoerotic asphyxiation.

Boken confidently walks over to the scene and kills Harrison Ford by impaling him with a leg of the same chair used in Pilkington’s demise. As Boken looks over, he sees Han Solo and Chewbacca sitting in a corner table. The smuggler and his co-pilot are about to get up when Boken comes over and urges them to sit back down. Before Boken can pull his weapon from his backpack, Han Solo (and Chewbacca) shoot first. Boken dies, flaming holes still smoking from his chest.

Han Solo and Chewbacca excuse themselves from the table and join Indian Jones. Without his whip, Indy meets his fate quickly at the hands of Ultraman. Han Solo and Chewbacca split up and begin to repeatedly fire at Ultraman. Although Ultraman takes what seems like a endless barrage of the laser fire, he eventually shakes it off and kills both Solo and Chewie. Han Solo and Chewbacca die in each other’s arms, kindred spirits to the end.


Built (Bill) Ford Tough: All Dead.
Team: Ultraman lives.

TEAM IS VICTORIOUS!!!