Season 5, Week 6: Miley Cyrus & President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos vs. Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

“You’re a fat, balding forty year old man who thinks he still can break dance and instead, only embarrasses himself at weddings and family affairs.”

-Mean unknown person (to Worm Becks)

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 6 Match located in Space.  They are as follows:

Miley "Oh I just love making smoothies 'oh shit I didn't know these things had blades on the inside of them'" Cyrus & President Barack "Hey at least I'm not Mormon, like my obviously non-Christian opponent is" Obama's "Best of Both World's" Touring Battalion of Commandos: Earth 2 Superman, Buffy Summers with blue lightsaber, Leon with Despotellis’ yellow lantern ring, Katniss Everdeen with green lantern ring, Luminara Unduli with blue lantern ring, Barriss Offee, Madame Blanc with yellow lantern ring, Miss Tanner with red lantern ring, Helena Markos with red lantern ring, Suspiria Witch Coven witches #1-5, Jetfire (movie) with indigo lantern ring, Carslisle Cullen with Star Sapphire ring, Norma Cenva with green lantern ring, White Lantern Deadman, Black Lantern Neo, Heimdall, Zombie Wonder Girl, Atrocitus, Jetfire, Jetstorm, Black Lantern Wonder Woman, Octane, Tracks, The Spice Girls, David Beckham, Taylor Swift with Sith lanvarok, President Barack Obama with General Grievous' green and blue lightsabers, Miley Cyrus, Worm Becks and Jen Lindley.

Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve: Anti-Monitor, Black Lantern Galactus, Terrax, Black Bolt with green lantern ring and Mace Windu's purple lightsaber, Oa Guardians #2, 3, 5 and 6, Manhunters #5 and 6, Indigo-1, Munk, Saint Walker, Supergirl (Ariella Kent), Shazam (Freddie Freeman), Black Lantern Bizarro Superman, Bizarro Supergirl, Black Lantern Nick Houslander, and Kister.

Let the battle begin. . .

Aboard the Nubian 327. . .

President Obama pilots the spaceship with his navigator Jen Lindley by his side.  In the main cabin, the Spice Girls sing “Wannabe.” Worm Becks is in ecstasy at the incredible music being sung by the group.  He belly-surfs across the floor.  David Beckham simply stands watching the human embarrassment while kicking a soccer ball between his two feet. 

Worm Becks (to himself): Damn straight I wannabe your lover; and your lover; and your lover; and your lover; and definitely your lover.

Space. . .

The Commandos’ ring bearers combine their ring powers in order to face one of the most daunting characters on the Kennelz team.  Leon with Despotellis’ yellow lantern ring, Katniss Everdeen with a green lantern ring, Luminara Unduli with a blue lantern ring, Madame Blanc with a yellow lantern ring, Miss Tanner with a red lantern ring, Helena Markos with a red lantern ring, Jetfire (movie) with an indigo lantern ring, Carlisle Cullen with a Star Sapphire ring, Norma Cenva with a green lantern ring, White Lantern Deadman, Black Lantern Neo, Atrocitus and Black Lantern Wonder Woman face Black Lantern Galactus.  Katniss creates a green bow and fires arrows repeatedly at BL Galactus’ eyes.  Joining Katniss are the Black Queen Helena Markos and Carlisle Cullen, who use their rings to barrage their enemy’s eyes.  While Black Lantern Galactus is being blinded by the three, Leon, Luminara Unduli, Madame Blanc, Miss Tanner, Jetfire, Norma Cenva, White Lantern Deadman, BL Neo, Atrocitus and BL Wonder Woman focus on Galactus’ ring.  The rainbow faceted projectiles and constructs glimmer across the stars and the assault eventually rips the ring off of Galactus’ finger.  The entity bellows in dismay as he falls to the Commando force.  Nonetheless, the Commandos’ victory was not without cost as Carlisle Cullen, Luminara Unduli, Leon and Madame Blanc fell to the deathly world devourer. 

Aboard the Nubian 327. . .

Bariss Offee feels the pain of her partner Unduli’s death and falls to her knees in remorse.  Meanwhile, Miley Cyrus follows “Wannabe” with her hit single “The Climb.”  Her rousing rendition echoes throughout the ship.  Worm Becks writhes on the floor to the tune.

Worm Becks (to himself):  You’re nineteen now.  I have something for you to climb on top of.

Space. . .

Manhunters #5 and 6 flank Oa Guardians #2, 3, 5 and 6.  The Transformers’ duo of Octane and Tracks soar through space and target the spacefarers.  Octane and Tracks unleash their weaponry in the same instant and decimate Manhunters #5 and 6.  The Oa Guardians, in return, focus their powers and destroy Octane.  Jetfire and Jetstorm arrive at the scene to help their robot brother-in-arms.  The Transformer trio manages to destroy Oa Guardians #2 and 6.  Earth 2 Superman joins the battle and aids his teammates in the deaths of the remaining Oa Guardians, # 3 and 5.

Aboard the Nubian 327. . .

After Cyrus is finished, Taylor Swift begins her rendition of “You Belong With Me.”  She smiles at Worm Becks.  Worm Becks’ body waddles across the floor.

Worm Becks (whispers to himself):  Damn right I do.

Space. . .

Black Bolt, Indigo-1, Saint Walker, Supergirl (Ariella Kent), Shazam (Freddie Freeman), Black Lantern Bizarro Superman and Bizarro Supergirl fly to the Commando force of Katniss Everdeen, Miss Tanner, Helena Markos, Jetfire (movie), Norma Cenva, White Lantern Deadman, Black Lantern Neo, Zombie Wonder Girl, Atrocitus, Jetfire, Jetstorm, Black Lantern Wonder Woman and Tracks. 

Zombie Wonder Girl and Supergirl enter into a pitched battle of super-female-strength.  Their clothes become tattered in the fight and some gawking of the other combatants occurs.  The eye-balling of super-hot-girl-skin does not last a long time as Zombie Wonder Girl gains the upper hand and bites into Supergirl’s neck.  Supergirl’s carotid sprays its Kryptonian blood across the way and Ariella Kent dies.  Zombie Wonder Girl smiles as a piece of flesh hangs from her teeth.  As she turns around, the Bizarro duo smash her skull in; Zombie Wonder Girl dies. . . again. . . the zombie death way.  BL Bizarro Superman and Bizarro Supergirl are then set upon by the two Jetfires, Jetstorm and Tracks.  The Transformers manage to kill Bizarro Supergirl, but Jetfire and Tracks are lost in the melee also.  BL Bizarro Superman flies away to regroup with his other teammates.

Aboard the Nubian 327. . .

BL Nick Houslander (hereinafter “BLNH”) locates a hatch of the royal cruiser and rips it off.  He travels with Kister, who he has provided protection for with his ring’s powers.  The ship’s automatic emergency procedures kick into overdrive and an additional safety hatch closes behind the duo.  The starship remains in tact. 

BLNH:  Listen you little sh@t, stay close behind me!

Kister:  Will do Mr. Houslander; your will is my way.

The two walk the corridor of the ship and are met by Buffy Summers.  BLNH salivates at the opportunity to rip the young slayer apart (in every way possible).  She ignites her lightsaber and attempts to skewer BLNH.  Kister steps in front of his hero and sacrifices his own life for BLNH.

Kister:  Avenge me. . . .

BLNH screams in agony and uses his ring to barrage the slayer.  Buffy is disarmed and BLNH races to her.  He kneels down next to the hurt Summers.

BLNH (whispers in her ear):  This is going to hurt you,

Much more than me;
You’re going to hate this b$tch,
That I guaranty!

BLNH slowly guts Buffy with his ring and smiles as her entrails slowly slide from her body.  Buffy Summers dies.  Barriss Offee takes advantage of BLNH cradling the dead body of Buffy Summers and strikes at the black lantern.  Offee strikes BLNH repeatedly until he falls to his knees.  As he is about to lose his ring to the slashing lightsaber, Terrax rushes to the scene and uses his cosmic scythe to cut her in half.  

Across the ship, The Suspiria Witch Coven crowd around a small cauldron located in the ship.

Witch #1: Double, double,

Witch #2: Toil and trouble;

Witch #3: Fire burn,

Witch #4: And caldron bubble.

With these words, Witch #5 throws objects into the cauldron.  They cackle, anticipating the results of their brew. BLNH screams and looks down.  He is a normal human again.  The Witch coven used their powers to complete this transformation. 

BLNH:  NOT AGAIN!!!!

Nick Houslander knows that he is not the force he was, but he convinces himself that he is still one to be reckoned with, especially with Terrax in tow.  Terrax moves to the main hull where the inhabitant majority of the ship is.  He immediately blasts Beckham because he is too beautiful of a man to exist any longer.  Worm Becks distracts the duo as he shuffles out on his stomach.  All of the women gang up on normal Nick Houslander;  the Spice Girls, Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus attack.  Although Houslander manages to kick Baby Spice in the face and Posh in the stomach, he is overwhelmed by the women.  They hold him down.

Houslander:  Under any other circumstances, I’d be hard right now.

Swift:  But under these, you’re just dead.

Swift uses the lanvarok to kill Houslander.  Terrax takes revenge and wipes out the entire female swarm.  He heads toward the ship’s cabin.   He passes by the witches and with one cosmic blast, wipes them all out. 

Obama looks at Lindley and Worm Becks. 

Obama:  We must do so for the greater good of our team.  He must be destroyed or we’ll have no hope in winning this match. 

Obama overloads the ship’s engines to near critical levels.  As Terrax bursts into the cabin, he kills Lindley and Worm Becks.  Worm Becks flops along the floor, looking dead as he did in life.  Obama rushes and grabs Terrax.  He uses the two lightsabers to sink into the herald.  Terrax is momentarily stunned that this puny man was able to strike him.  Heimdall bursts through the doors and grabs onto Terrax.  The Norse deity holds the cosmic enforcer in place.  Obama crawls up to Terrax and whispers to him.

Obama:  At least we’re going out with a bang!

The ship explodes into a million particles due to the combination of the power cosmic and engine overload; it looks like fireworks on the Fourth of July.  Obama, Terrax and Heimdall all perish in the bursts.

Space. . .

Earth 2 Superman, Katniss Everdeen, Miss Tanner, Helena Markos, Jetfire (movie), Norma Cenva, White Lantern Deadman, Black Lantern Neo, Atrocitus, Jetstorm, Black Lantern Wonder Woman battle the Anti-Monitor, Black Bolt, Indigo-1, Munk, Saint Walker, Shazam (Freddie Freeman) and Black Lantern Bizarro Superman

Multi-colored spectrums of light flash across space as the lanterns battle one another.  Caught in the crossfire of the many colored rings is the Anti-Monitor, who is weakened in the melee.  Although the Anti-Monitor is injured, Indigo-1, Saint Walker and Munk still shoot a cornucopia of objects at Atrocitus, Katniss Everdeen, Miss Tanner, Helena Markos and Norma Cenva.  In the end, the remaining lanterns are the Commandos’ Atrocitus and Katniss Everdeen.  Black Bolt ignites his lightsaber and flies toward Black Lantern Neo and Black Lantern Wonder Woman.  With a quick slice, he slashes the ring off of Black Lantern Neo and the Matrix hero dissipates into ash.  Black Lantern Wonder Woman manages to gain the upper hand on Black Bolt.  He speaks and the force rips Black Lantern Wonder Woman apart.  He turns to see the fist of Earth 2 Superman.  Black Bolt is killed at the sheer impact of the concussive force on his skull.    Jetstorm and Jetfire (movie) focus on Shazam and this Captain Marvel is soon killed by the combined efforts of the Transformers.  Black Lantern Bizarro Superman destroys Jetstorm, but is bested by the remaining lanterns. 

The Anti-Monitor, although weakened, has had enough of the Commandos and unleashes his powers upon his enemy.  In an instant, the Anti-Monitor kills Jetfire (movie) and Atrocitus.  White Lantern Deadman knows he must relive events once transpired in his Brightest Day beginnings and battles the Anti Monitor.  He wears the beast down and Katniss strikes his chest armor plate with a green arrow; his armor shatters.  Earth 2 Superman then crashes through the Anti-Monitor’s body and hurls his shattered body into space.  Although the Anti-Monitor will shortly be revived by his own siphoning of the cosmos near him, it will not be before the match ends.