Season 5, Playoffs Week 1: Logical Genocide vs. H.M. & B.O. Fighting Commandos

“I smell pussy. . . and not the kind I like to eat!!!”

 -Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Playoffs Week 1 Match located at the Playoff Planet.  They are as follows:

Logical Genocide: Ion, The Spectre, Nekron, The Champion of the Universe, Han Solo: Rogue Jedi in an A-Wing, Cosmic Spider-Man, Barry Allen with blue lantern ring, Az-Rel and Nadira, Titan Maximum, Siren with trident and Xebel Soldiers #1-4, Sandworm #11, Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman with flesh rotting disease gun, Red Lantern #2, Yellow and Orange Lantern Hal Jordan, Goro with yellow lantern ring, Centerion #1 Harold "Hot Fudge Harry" McTwivent, Chris Seeney with golem creating gun, green lightsaber, magno-kryptonite and a life model decoy #1 in Superman's truck.

H.M. & B.O. Commandos: Kingdom Come Superman, Earth 2 Superman, Black Lantern Set, Zombie Polaris, Leon with Despotellis' yellow lantern ring, Katniss Everdeen with green lantern ring, Luminara Unduli with blue lantern ring, Barriss Offee, Madame Blanc with yellow lantern ring, Miss Tanner with red lantern ring, Helena Markos with red lantern ring, Suspiria Witch Coven #1 with indigo lantern ring, Suspiria Witch Coven #2, Suspiria Witch Coven #3, Suspiria Witch Coven #4, Suspiria Witch Coven #5, Norma Cenva with green lantern ring, Maestro, Heimdall, White Lantern Deadman, Buffy Summers with blue lightsaber, Willow Rosenberg with Dumbledore's wand, Angel, Xander, Rupert Giles, Surtur, Zombie Wonder Girl, The Atom, Venus and Serena Williams, Taylor Swift with Sith lanvarok, Jen Lindley with jetpack and green lightsaber, Worm Becks and Doozer #13.

Let the battle begin. . .

City Region. . .

The Nubian goddesses shuffle down the street and stop as they notice Worm Becks (hereinafter “WB”) in the middle of the street.  Venus and Serena Williams laugh to themselves as WB’s body violently gyrates across the pavement.  Their smiles fade when  Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman (hereinafter “BLB2”) flies to the scene.

BLB2: Only one Beckerman can survive this match you putrid piece of sh#t!!!

BLB2 squeezes the trigger of his flesh rotting disease gun.  WB writhes in agony as the flesh begins to fall off his body.  WB is heard singing to the Williams’ sisters as his figure melts away.

WB:      I wanna f@ck you like an animal,

             I wanna feel you from the inside;

 I wanna f@ck you like an animal,

My whole existence is flawed.

The Williams sisters rush away, having just seen their orgasmic lover disintegrate into dust.  BLB2 uses his ring to project black lances at the tennis pros.  The sisters miraculously deflect a majority of the objects with their rackets.  BLB2 draws his weapon again and is about to fire when Serena, with a well-timed throw, accurately displaces BLB2 of his flesh rotting disease gun.  BLB2 screams in anger and races at the twins.  He tackles them both at the same time and the three fall to the ground. 

BLB2:  Not the oreo cookie I had in mind ladies!!!

The female athletes repeatedly pound BLB2.  Nonetheless, the lantern manages to shred the clothes of his enemy.  BLB2 focuses on the ample bosoms of the Williams and sisters and cackles.  In an instant (and after a slight feel of boob), he rips out the hearts of both women.  

BLB2:  Now that is what I call a Grand Slam!!!

Plains Region. . .

Jen Lindley floats across the sky with her jetpack.  She senses the enemy and ignites her green lightsaber.  She avoids the fiery rage-vomit spewed by Red Lantern #2 (hereinafter “RL2”). 

Lindley:  For Dawson and Pacey. . . whom I have had sweet relations with!!!

Lindley lashes out with her lightsaber and manages to strike RL2.  Embarrassed at being bested by a measly girl, RL2 flies at the teenager and tears her jetpack off.  Lindley crashes to the ground, but a well-placed barrel roll saves her life.  Katniss Everdeen comes to Lindley’s aid and fires a green lantern arrow through the eye of RL2, killing the combatant.  The two women fly off together with the assistance of Everdeen’s green lantern ring.   As the women soar through the sky, they are struck by a cosmic blast.  The two women fall to the ground and are met by Cosmic Spiderman.  The two women ready themselves with defensive stances, ring and lightsaber ready.

Cosmic Spiderman:  Please.

Cosmic Spiderman unleashes his Captain Universe enhanced abilities upon the young starlets.  It is only a matter of seconds before both Lindley and Everdeen are decimated.  Leon flies down to Cosmic Spiderman, seeing his comrades’ cinders piled on the plains below.

Leon:  Despotellis says a big f@ck you!

Leon utilizes his ring as a weapon and fires upon Cosmic Spiderman.  CS easily dodges out of the weapon’s way.

Cosmic Spiderman:  Sorry bunky, time to die.

Cosmic Spiderman kills Leon as easily as he did both Lindley and Everdeen.

Desert Region. . .

Norma Cenva stands with Helena Markos, Madame Blanc and Miss Tanner in a mirage created by the Suspira Witch Coven (hereinafter “SW”).  In the center of the oasis lies a pitch black cauldron.

Markos:  Begin my fellow witches!

SW1: Worm Becks’ jizz with the Slayer’s hair,

SW2: Maestro’s spit and Unduli’s remnant Nair;

SW3: The skin of Angel with pieces of Lindley’s flab,

SW4: The focus on Set to become even more fab!

SW5: Grow!!!

SW3 and SW5:  Grow!!!

SW1, SW2, SW3, SW4, SW5: Grow!!!

Markos, Blanc and Tanner:  Grow.

Set slithers into the area and an explosion occurs as the spell takes shape.  The serpent, which is of immense size already, becomes a true behemoth.   One of the monster’s seven heads looks down into the sand and rips Sandworm #11 from the tan powder.  The battle between the gigantic creatures is vicious and the ferocity of the duo causes the ripping and shredding sounds for all those in the oasis to hear.  In the end, although Set loses two of its heads, the five remaining ones are more than a match for Sandworm #11. 

Barry Allen races through the sands and uses the speed force’s powers to cause a cyclone that sucks the oasis’ inhabitants into the funnel.  The tornado spins the women around and they are unable to free themselves from the torrential winds.  Each time one attempts to escape, Allen uses his lantern ring to push them back.  Severely exhausted and discombobulated, Allen forces the funnel upward and the witches burst forth from the top.  Han Solo-Rogue Jedi in his A-Wing flies to the scene, and one by one, picks the witches off like fish in a barrel. SWs 2 through 5 are blasted into pieces.  Before Solo can kill the remaining witches, SW1, Markos, Blanc, Tanner and Cenva utilize their combined lantern rings to rip apart the A-Wing.  Before its destruction, Solo manages to jettison from the craft.  Unfortunately, he escapes into the hands of the women ring wielders.

Cenva:  You may be good looking,

Markos:  And a Rouge Jedi too;

Tanner: But to us women,

Blanc: You are but a large piece of poo!

The four, including SW1 now, use their rings to shred Solo apart.  Yellow and Orange Lantern Hal Jordan (hereinafter “YOLHJ”) flies to the scene.  Although the witches combine their ring powers and sorcery together, they are still no match for the superior duo-lantern.  YOLHJ kills SW1, Markos, Blanc, Tanner and Cenva. 

Meanwhile on the ground, a plume of sand explodes next to the Flash as Maestro lands on the sands nearby.  Atom hitched a ride on the hulk-like beast’s shoulder and thus, also arrives at the skirmish.  Before the Flash realizes that he needs to race away, Maestro strikes him with a devastating blow.  The blue lantern attempts to rise as Atom shrinks down to a sub-molecular level and enters into the Flash’s nervous system.  Maestro takes advantage of Flash’s disorientation due to Atom and crushes Barry Allen’s skull.  Unfortunately, Atom was in Flash’s skull at the time and the decimation of Allen’s brain matter causes Atom to be jarred also; killing him instantly.  Maestro becomes enraged at the knowledge of killing his own teammate.

Arctic Region. . .

Centerion #1-Hot Fudge Harry McTwivent (hereinafter “HFHM”) scopes out Doozer #13, who is floating on a piece of ice.  Centerion leaps over flotillas until he reaches Doozer #13.  In a matter of seconds, HFHM kills Doozer #13.  Heimdall is a witness to his “special friend” being killed.  The Asgardian rushes over to HFHM and uses his enchanted uru to slice Centerion #1 in half. 

Forest Region-West. . .

Goro uses his ring to soar to the top of the trees where Barriss Offee and Luminara Unduli are waiting for the Mortal Kombatant.  The Marialan Jedi Knights manage to deflect a majority of the bolts sent by Goro.  Eventually though, Goro manages to kill Offee, but is, in turn, killed by Unduli, whose Senior Jedi General skills are superior to the brute fighter.

Mountain Region. . .

Champion of the Universe (hereinafter “COU”) spots Zombie Wonder Girl on a mountainous range.  Being a well recognized chauvinist is readily apparent upon his first words uttered.

COU:  The only place you should be, alive or undead that is, is either sucking or riding my immense c@ck!

Zombie Wonder Girl, although dead, is still disgusted by his demeanor and punches him.  COU shrugs off the blow.

COU:  You are but a puny dead girl!  Wonder this you little crapling!!!

COU reaches Zombie Wonder Girl and manages to pin her arms behind her body.  He torks the shoulders and rips her arms off.  Wonder Girl does not feel the pain and attempts to convert COU with a bite to the neck.  She fails in her attempt and COU pops her head off. 

COU:  Your head was but a pimple on my a$$.

COU turns around and begins to walk down the mountain’s path when he is struck by the Kryptonian duo of Kingdom Come Superman and Earth 2 Superman.  COU is crushed into the stone next to him.  As COU falls to the ground, he is repeatedly pummeled by the Commando pair.  COU dies.    

At the foot of the mountain stands a fully realized Titan Maximum.  The compiled robot waits for the Superman duo to reach it.  As Titan Maximum readies itself to do battle, it feels its pieces being ripped apart.  Titan Maximum looks down and sees Zombie Polaris utilizing all of her powers to destroy the robotic entity.  As Titan Maximum is about to be destroyed by Polaris, it is simultaneously struck by the Superman duo.  The combination of Zombie Polaris’ powers with the strength and power of E2S and KCS is too much and Titan Maximum is destroyed.  At the same time, the strain of the powers necessary to cause any means of destruction upon Titan Maximum weakens Polaris to where she is unable to avoid the shrapnel which rips her head from her body.    

Forest Region-East. . .

The Kryptonian Bonnie and Clyde see Surtur, who wields Twilight.  The psychokinetic Nadira attempts to use her powers against Surtur without avail.  The demonic combatant shrugs off Nadira’s Kryptonian power and uses the Sword of Doom to slice Nadira in half.  Az Rel, enraged at the loss of his ally, uses his pyrokinetic abilities against the fire demon.  The Phantom Zone inhabitant fails to wound Surtur.  Surtur shrugs off his foe and, once again, uses his sword to slice Az Rel in half.  The Kryptonians would have been a match for many, but on this day, unfortunately for the Squad, not against Surtur.

Aquatic Region. . . 

Buffy, Angel, Giles, Willow and Xander run down the beach in Baywatch slow motion when Siren and her Xebel Soldiers burst from the waters.  Willow immediately uses Dumbledore’s wand and the witch disintegrates Xebel Soldier #1.  Xander is surrounded by Xebel Soldiers #2 and 4 and eventually killed.  In response, Buffy spins around and strikes Xebel Soldier #4 down with her lightsaber.  The ferocity of Angel comes to fruition as he rips into Xebel Soldier #2 and kills him.  Xebel Soldier #3 focuses on Rupert Giles. The Watcher is no match for the superior combatant and XS3 manages to grab onto Giles’ leg.  The aquatic fighter drags Giles in the water; Giles is eventually drowned.  XS3 swims to the water’s surface and joins Siren.  The pair faces Buffy, Angel and Willow.  Willow immediately strikes down XS3.  Siren responds and uses her trident to pierce Angel’s chest.  The trident’s head is close to reaching Angel’s heart.  The vampire looks at Buffy, knowing he has only seconds left to live. 

Buffy (tears streaming down her face):  I love you!

Angel:  I know.       

In a quick movement, Angel thrusts the tip of one of the trident’s heads into his heart, but not before ripping Siren’s throat out with his fangs.  Siren dies at Angel’s sacrifice, whose ashes become one with the sand below.  Buffy and Willow, dismayed at the casualties suffered, walk on the beach, hand in hand- no slow motion necessary at this touching scene which stands on its own.

City Region. . .

Chris Seeney squeals the tires of Superman’s truck as he cuts the corners of the streets.  He looks for his prey without initial success.  He turns to Life Model Decoy #1 (hereinafter “LMD1”), who looks strikingly similar to Ryan Reynolds in Green Lantern garb (“Double R”).  A bromance/man-crush has blossomed between the two.

Seeney:  We need to get this party started!

LMD1: Agreed Mr. Seeney.  Show me who’s daddy!

Seeney slows down the vehicle to a stop.  He jumps out, his golem creating gun and lightsaber armed in both hands.

Seeney:  What do you see?  Double R?  Double R!

Seeney hears a gurgling as LMD1 appears to be foaming at the mouth.  Seeney jumps around the vehicle and notices Taylor Swift armed with a Sith lanvarok.  The lanvarok’s weaponry pierced LMD1’s gullet and LMD1 dies.  Seeney instantly reacts and leaps over the hood of the vehicle in the best possible Dukes of Hazard-TJ Hooker combo acrobatic roll.  He slices the lanvarok out of Swift’s hands and follows up with cutting her legs off.  Swift screams and attempts to crawl away. 

Seeney:  This is “Our Song” now b@Tch!!!

Seeney smiles as he uses his golem gun to create the beast.  The golem shambles over to the cute singer and sits on Swift’s head, crushing her skull.  The golem then follows its master down the street.    

Final Battle. . . City. . .

I transport all remaining combatants to the scene.

Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman spots Buffy and Willow Rosenberg.

BLB2:  I smell Kosher!  Sniff!  I smell traife!

BLB2 looks at Buffy, who ignites her lightsaber in response to his misogynistic comments.  BLB2 fires his ring at the female duo.  Buffy manages to deflect the objects and Willow uses Dumbledore’s wand to send them back at the lantern.  With a well placed spin of her wand, the projectile shot by BLB2 is his own undoing as his ring is ripped off his finger.

BLB2:  Aw f@. . .

BLB2 disintegrates and his gun falls to the ground. YOLHJ, a singular force to be reckoned with in this match, rushes at the Slayer and her compatriot.  YOLHJ rips Buffy apart, but Willow is able to keep the ring bearer at bay with a series of spells cast from Dumbledore’s wand.  While Willow focuses on defending herself against YOLHJ, Ion flies into the fray and joins his brother-in-arms.  The two decimate the young witch, even with the wand. KCS and E2S enter into battle and pummel both Ion and YOLHJ.  Ion gains the upper hand against E2S and batters him around as E2S did to him before.  Ion sends a crushing force that breaks the Kryptonian.  In a last ditch effort, E2S meets Ion in the air and with the assistance of KCS, who also has his hands full with YOLHJ, kills Ion.  E2S succumbs to his fate, being mortally wounded by Ion, but not before helping KCS destroy YOLHJ.  Chris Seeney rushes to the scene in his vehicle and holds his mango-kryptonite to the sky.  The kryptonite sucks KCS out of the sky.  At a loss of his powers, the Spectre and Cosmic Spiderman come to the scene and kill the Kryptonian, with the assistance of Seeney’s golem.   The Spectre and Cosmic Spiderman then focus on the five-headed BL Set and Maestro.  Ultimately, Cosmic Spiderman is killed in the melee, but miraculously so too are BL Set and Maestro.  The former Alice’s Wonder Team mates: the Spectre and Surtur battle.  In the end, the two behemoths take each other out; both perish.

Chris Seeney tweaks his golem gun and evolutionizes the clay monsters. The lone, remaining Commando ring bearer, Unduli, is unable to defeat the monsters, which resemble a tougher, Jewish Golden Army.  The Golem Army kills Luminara Unduli.  Heimdall stands before Seeney, who attempts to strike the Asgardian warrior with his green lightsaber.  Heimdall easily dodges the blow and skewers Seeney.

Seeney:  At least I got my licks in.

Seeney dies at Heimdall’s feet.  Being that Nekron can even kill the Guardians, he tempts fate by rushing at Heimdall.  Heimdall falls to Nekron’s touch.

Final Battle. . . Really. . .

A silence reigns over the two remaining combatants.  Nekron is the first to speak.

Nekron:  In blackest night. . .

Nekron utilizes his powers to bring back the dead.  The bodies of Ion, The Spectre, Cosmic Spiderman, Az-Rel, Nadira, Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman, Hal Jordan and Chris Seeney, become reanimated.

White Lantern Deadman:  In brightest day. . .

White Lantern Deadman uses his powers.  Kingdom Come Superman, Earth 2 Superman, Set (no longer in Black Lantern form due to being revived by a white lantern), Maestro, Polaris (no longer in Zombie form), Heimdall, Surtur and Worm Becks are now alive.

White Lantern Deadman and Nekron are weakened due to the strain necessary to revive their teammates.  In a final requiem, the two race toward one another.  The polarized opposites manage to kill one another, having served their ultimate purposes in the match already.

Immediately BLB2 attempts to kill his WB nemesis. This time though, Worm Becks dances out of the way of BLB2’s black projectiles.  Before BLB2 can corner Worm Becks, he is swallowed whole by Set.  Set belches out BLB2’s ring and Seeney immediately has an idea.  The Spectre foretells what his teammate wishes and strikes Seeney down.  The Spectre then places BLB2’s ring on Seeney.

Seeney:  YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I’m back b@Tches!!!

Seeney finishes the job BLB2 set out to accomplish and destroys Worm Becks.  As Seeney rises higher in the air, his ring begins to slide from his finger as Polaris strains to use her magnetism powers to dislodge the object from Seeney’s digit.  The ring, miraculously, begins to slide off.

Seeney:  Oh come on!!!!

The ring is ripped from Seeney’s finger and Seeney disintegrates. 

The Kryptonians face one another as the Phantom Zone gangsters battle E2S and KCS.  Although the battle lasts longer than expected, the Isle of Bokos pair is no match for their superior combatants.  The Supermen manage to kill both Az-Rel and Nadira. 

Ion faces Maestro.  The futuristic Hulk manages to shake off most of the blows, but ultimately loses the battle when Cosmic Spiderman joins the fray.  The combined powers of Ion and Cosmic Spiderman are too much for Maestro and he is killed.

Hal Jordan joins Ion and the two utilize their rings to create a multitude of spectrum enhanced weaponry.  Polaris attempts to rip the rings from the fingers of the ring bearers as she was just able to do previously.  Unfortunately for her, the seasoned veterans are more than a match for her tactics and Polaris is killed. 

The remaining powerhouses battle.  The Spectre uses his Ring of Life to enhance his powers to godlike levels.  This comes in handy as he battles Heimdall.  Although the Asgardian manages to wound the Spectre, ultimately Heimdall is defeated.  Surtur and Set enter this fray and rip the Spectre apart.  Cosmic Spiderman challenges the Supermen.  The Marvel guardian manages to rip apart Earth 2 Superman, but meets his fate at the hands of Kingdom Come Superman.  Ion and Hal Jordan combine their forces and although ultimately killed in battle, manage to miraculously take with them Set and Surtur.  KC Superman stares at the carnage of the battlefield and smiles.  The “traded” Kryptonian is now entering the next round of the FFL Playoffs.