All Star Game Slash Preseason Extravaganza

Preface:

I personally feel as if there is very little difference in competitive sports between an All Star Game and a Preseason game.  One usually gets watched by more people but has less importance, the other is probably more important, but no one watches them.

Now I do apologize to you all for not doing the All star game this summer, but after a tremendous Universe Bowl, I just didn’t want to upstage Nick by dropping a masterpiece on y’all (like I am about to do now).  Also, Josh JUST got me the roster list like 6 months ago.  How am I supposed to write 2 paragraphs in just under half a year?!

So I hope you all enjoy this warm up to the new season whilst paying tribute to the old.  Hopefully this gets my creative juices flowing and I will have all your favorite characters decapitating each other in no time!  Enjoy them now, because The Purge is coming, and everyone will be rotting in the graveyard soon!

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The “National League” is:  Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Vladimir Putin, Silver Surfer, Earth 2 Superman, Barack Obama, Santa Claus, Darth Shemalya, David Koresh, Darth Vader, Aquaman, Magneto, Emperor Joker and Agent Coulson.

The “American League” is:  Red Son Superman, Captain America, Doomsday, Dr. Impossible, Tigger, Pre-Suit Darth Vader, Care Becks, Supergirl, White Lantern Yoda, Peeta Mellark (w/ Jarnborn), Dr. Manhattan, Odin, Mogo, Yoda and Good Luck Bear.

The NL ship transporting the combatants sets down gently on the playoff planet.  The once vivid landscape is now a shattered, desolate wasteland.  No more forests, rivers or cities.  The team looks out the windows of the ship at a charred black mess of long winding cracks and crevices in the surface of the planet that make it look like the last kernel in a bag of popcorn, that almost burst out of its shell.  

“Nice flying Kringle” says Supes.

“I’m thinking we turn this thing around and fly right out of this place.  The UB destroyed this place.  This is no proper setting for an All star game.  Or even a preseason matchup for that matter.” says our Commander and Chief.

“c’mon Mr. Free world!” stammers a hammered Putin, “You spoiled Americans.  This looks better than Sochi!”

The team all agrees that this place sucks now but they should go out and investigate and at least look for the AL.  Agent Coulson tries to open the hatch but it won't budge.  They notice that the ship begins to get incredibly warm all of a sudden and the NL begins to panic.

Outside, Supergirl and RS Supes are heating the hull of the ship attempting to cook the NL inside.  The rest of the AL waits outside ready to attack whoever comes running out.  By the time the NL is able to break open the hull, Coulson, Koresh, and Santa are not able to survive the intense heat.  The rest of the NL is able to escape and goes on the offensive.  Batman shoots his grappling gun into the eye of Pre-Suit Vader and reels him in.

“GET OVER HERE!” Batman growls.  He holds up his limp body and lets the real Vader remove him of his head.  Captain America and Supergirl jump in to take on the duo.  Supergirl burns off Vader’s last real hand with her heat vision and kicks him to the ground.  The Captain rips Vader’s helmet off and bashes in his skull with his shield.  Darth Shemalya steps in to avenge her fallen master and attacks Supergirl.  Batman jumps onto the back of Captain America and chokes the life out of him.

Supergirl is no match for Shemalya… wait.  I’m not Becks.

Supergirl easily kills the most powerful Dark sith lord Shemalya.  Batman takes off to help out Silver Surfer.  As the Silver Surfer flies around the two of them are able to defeat both Dr. Manhattan and Dr. Impossible but not before the two doctors dispatch of the Caped Crusader. While coming back to join the fight, SS is knocked off his board by Tigger who unknowingly bounced into his own death.  The Surfer falls to the ground and before he can stand up, gets his head bashed in by Doomsday.  Doomsday looks around and sees Earth 2 Superman and Wonder Woman holding their own against both Yodas and Odin.  Odin falls to Wonder Woman and as E2 Supes kills WL Yoda, the Real Yoda look outnumbered.  Doomsday comes in and dispatches of E2 Superman but not before Wonder Woman can get her lasso around him.  The real Superman swoops in and briefly looks into the eyes of Doomsday.

“Payback, Friend” says Superman as he punches into the head of Doomsday and removes his brain (and a little bit of spine).  Wonder Woman looks grossed out but then sees the lightsaber of Yoda tear into her chest.  Supergirl lands next to Yoda and Superman is beginning to feel outmatched.  He retreats and Yoda and Supergirl do not give chase for now.

Aquaman falls over dead because there is no water on the planet anymore.

Mageneto and Emperor Joker fight with Yoda, Supergirl and Mogo while The 2 Superman go punch for punch.  Putin and Obama have are trying to fight off the two care bears but Good Luck bear keeps being in the right place at the right time.  Care Becks keeps fighting dirty, grabbing everyone’s junk and swearing like a sailor.  He goes to punch Putin in the nuts but hits steel.  We all know Putin has balls of steel. Obama takes down Peeta and kills him by pressing his thumbs into his eye sockets and bashing the back of his head on the ground.  He picks up the Jarnborn and skewers the two bears.  Magneto shoots the sword with the two bears into the sun.

While preoccupied killing teddy bears, This lets Yoda get the upperhand on Magneto and sneaks his lightsaber under his protective helmet.  Emperor Joker turns Yoda into rabbit and then rips his giant ears off and bites off his head Ozzy style.  He grabs Yoda’s lightsaber and is able to ignite it just enough time to stab it into Supergirl’s chest. She grabs him tight and is able to push both herself and Emperor Joker into the NL ship.  She uses her heat vision to explode the ship killing them both.

Everyone regroups.  Superman, Putin and Obama facing off against Red Son Superman and Mogo.  In a wicked turn of events, Putin pulls out a knife and stabs the pres in the neck and then turns it on Superman and lands a near fatal wound as well.  Barack bleeds out and Red Son and Mogo are able to overtake Superman and crush his chest.  

Mogo is confused by what happened.  He stares dumbfounded as Red Son Superman helps Putin to his feet.

“You did Mother Russia proud today my Son”  says a beaming Putin to Red Son Superman.

“Too bad about this planet though.  It had a good run.  Not sure what we will do this year.” says RS Supes.

“I can help,” says Mogo, “But the planet will not be exactly the same after I am done with her.  There is still a life force inside her, and I can bring it out, but things will be… different than they were before”

“Go for it. What’s the worst that can happen?”  says Putin

“Violent tides followed by nothing but desert. Unbearable cold and then scorching heat.  Complete darkness and blinding light.” Mogo goes on to explain,  “The planet will no longer be stable.  It will produce terrains you are used but also, some you could never have dreamed of.  The landscape of the entire planet will change at once, sometimes lasting for months or years, or quite possibly just a matter of minutes.  ANYTHING will be possible here from now on.”

Mogo takes a knee and, using his ring, bores a hole into the core of the playoff planet.  The ground begins to shake and an explosion is felt.  Mogo sacrificed his life to bring a new life to the playoff planet. Suddenly RS Superman and Putin watch as new life emerges before their eyes.  They are standing in a rolling field.  Grass that never looked so green.  Putin swoops down and picks a flower and gives it a smell.

“We did good today” says Putin  “Mogo did his part, so I will do mine. There has to be a winner.”

RS Supes nods in agreement and reluctantly snaps the neck of the Grey Cardinal.