Demise of the FFL

The playoff planet is quiet, seemingly lifeless. On what is normally a big week for the planet, it finds itself in a peculiar place. There is no fighting.

How did it get to this point? Well, some say it started in the pre-season. Superman got the flu, which started freaking some people out. The Commish tried to ban travel from Krypton and also for any Kryptonians to fight in matches. He eventually allowed it to happen after he was called a racist. As the season went on, a few people who had been near Superman in his matches died. Those people who had died went on to fight in matches on their next lives, and some people who were near those people died as well. This prompted a laser like focus on the deaths of fantasy matches.

Each week, the numbers came in: more deaths. The numbers only went up. Combatants became uneasy. Will this be the week I die, many of them pondered. At first, they continued to fight. Many began examining the Commish and his ability to stop the spread, openly questioning if he had done enough to stop or slow the spread.

Pressure mounted for hazard pay, as doing so would be considered unethical. The Commish reluctantly gave raises across the league. In order to account for this, he out of necessity had to make some cuts. As toilet paper had become more difficult to come by and more expensive, he decided to limit the amount shipped to each locker room. This resulted in many less than pleasant smelling combatants on the battlefield. Many combatants, all of whom chose to remain anonymous, were asked why they don’t just use a bidet instead, since water is basically free and it would greatly increase hygiene in a time when everyone is paranoid about it. The common response was “Because we aren’t fags.”

The weeks went on and the death tolls increased. The media display a staggering statistic. Nearly 100% of combatants of losing teams had died. Additionally, it was far more likely that lower point combatants would meet their demise. This highlighted the rampant inequality of the FFL. Calls were made for drastic changes.

The Commish tried to cite data that showed year over year deaths for the FFL were actually down, but that didn’t matter. There was now a massive push to stop this insane death machine. After all, there are a few boomers in the FFL who are afraid of collecting that 5^th death and would do anything to avoid it, including sinking the entire league.

After much pressure the Commish decided that the season needed to be put on hold until we could get this situation cleared up. He didn’t anticipate that this would take long before it was over. He deemed that week 5 would be given an extra week before the fighting would resume, that way people could heal up and then the league could resume with its biggest non-playoff matches of the year to really get things going again.

The week off was a very long week for FFL combatants. As they were restricted to the locker room, many grew bored. Some began fighting with each other out of boredom and itching to fight. Domestic locker room violence increased drastically as a result. Tensions grew among teammates. Some would sneak out to get some fresh air or go to the park, while others would report their teammates to the office of the commissioner for their violations. The league began to lose its stability.

Internally league officials fought over how to handle this crisis. Some wanted to halt everything until things were absolutely clear. Others wanted to continue on as if nothing were happening, thinking that it would resolve itself eventually.

As the hysteria reach new heights the decision was made to indefinitely delay the season. Too many lives were at stake, lives that could be lost if fighting were to continue. After all, the FFL wants everyone in the league to live. The news hit the combatants harder than any punch they had ever taken. This was their livelihood, what would they do without it?

There were some who did not believe the hype surrounding the krypterion flu.  The claimed that superman never in fact had the flu but had just been using his cold breath, which was mistaken for a sneeze. Others thought that it may have been a bioweapon created by a rival league, in the hopes of overcoming the FFL in ratings. These people are publicly scorned for their dangerous ideas.

The Commissioner and Vice-Commissioner were on opposite sides when it came to league actions. Eventually they came to the agreement that future actions could only be decided in one way: Through a match.

The Commish thought this would be the best optics for the relaunching of the league. Superman is symbolic of the epidemic. If he could be taken down in a match people could realize that it is ok to fight again.

The Midgets await the House Elves on the playoff planet. The atmosphere is tense, much more so than a regular match with what is on the line.

Superman, Prince Andrew, and the Paw Patrol show up before the midgets. The midgets waste no time engaging them. Battlecat quickly devours the Paw Patrol, while Link bravely lunges toward superman. Not knowing if he can even damage superman, he swings his master sword, connecting and decapitating him. The Midgets then turn towards Prince Andrew until Yoda tells them to stop. “Attack do not, a trap I sense.”

Prince Andrew begins clapping as he walks towards the Midgets. “The Vice-Commissioner would like to thank you.”

Yoda responds “Dead superman is. Stop this flu nonsense will.”

Despite being surrounded by an army that could obliterate him, Prince Andrew didn’t perspire one drop of sweat. Instead he simply walked up to superman’s head and Scooby doo style pulled off his mask to reveal Jeffrey Epstein.

“What do you think the rest of the league will think when, during the lockdown, the Commissioner sends over his best men to kill a known pedophile and all of his pets? What kind of secrets is the Commissioner hiding?” he continued “When this is gets out the Commish is done for. The league will crash and we will implement a new league and a new commissioner.”

“Fine the league will be. This back with you take.” Say Yoda, as he orders Zombie Green Lantern to bite Price Andrew. “Krypterion flu you now have.”

With that the Midgets return to their locker room. The Commish immediately puts out an announcement that all league activity is to continue as soon as possible. Matches coming soon.