Season 5: Week 1: Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve vs Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers

Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve: Black Lantern Nick Houslander, Mandalorian Justin Oblak w/Gears of War Lancer, Tinkerbell w/Blue Lantern Ring & Blue Lightsaber, Daniel LaRusso w/Green Lantern Ring, Young Anakin Skywalker w/Blue Lantern Ring & Blue Lightsaber on Robin’s Motorcycle & Droideka #1.

Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends & Destroyers: Kingdom Come Superman, Ron Burgundy w/Quinlan Vos’s Lightsaber, Baxter the Dog and the Screen Trax Robot.


The darkness that surrounded him had become his new home. No longer did he require the comfort of others, that need had been filled in with the relief of the never-ending nothingness. With that relief came a peace that he never knew he could attain, a peace that he would never stop searching through any means necessary.

Bill Walsh: “You think he’s going to be alright?”

John McCain: “Of course he will be, it’s not like he’s the first person to be brought back into this.”

Bill Walsh: “Yeah, good point. I just hope…I just hope he’s alright with it.”

John McCain: “With what?”

Bill Walsh: “Come on, don’t give me that shit. You know what I’m talking about”

They both turn their heads over to the wall where there is an autographed photo of Justin Oblak and Brandon Inge hanging on the wall. The photo was a shot of them in Tim Cheveldae’s house after they had just killed Alexander the Great. It was the last thing Mr. Cheveldae had done before completely losing his mind. It was one of this teams proudest moments in the early days, a team whose early days were littered with the boasts and victories from Oblak and Inge.

John McCain: “I really do think he’ll be fine. He was so arrogant when he was here before I can’t imagine him complaining too much about coming back.”

Bill Walsh: “Well, looks like he coming to, so I suppose we’ll find out sooner rather then later.”

As the darkness faded into the bright lights of the Kennelz locker room a feeling of nauseas disorientation fell over Justin Oblak as he first stared at the ceiling and then turned over only to be met by both of his assistant coaches.

Bill Walsh: “How are you feeling buddy? Bet you’re a little confused right now. Don’t worry kid, it will all come flooding back soon enough.”

Justin Oblak: “Where the hell am I?”

John McCain: “You’re in your old locker room, where you’ve always called home.”

Justin Oblak: “I died. I remember dying and not a dying like I’ve gone through so many times before, this time it was different…permanent.”

Bill Walsh: “Well, we found a way to get you back. You’ll find you’ve acquired a few new skills as well.”

Justin looked over to his right and sure enough there was a brand new set of Mandolarian armor and one badass looking gun. Justin was still very foggy at this point but he was conscience enough to understand what was going on.

Justin Oblak: “I still remember everything though, they couldn’t have at least started me with a clean slate.”

Walsh and McCain looked at each other with worry and a touch of bewilderment on their faces.

Walsh: “Well, why don’t we get you up walking a bit before you get some food into you.”

Justin Oblak: “Yeah, that sounds alright. First things first though, where the hell is Brandon? Why isn’t he here to greet me? Don’t tell me he found another partner in all of this.”

Walsh and McCain once again looked at each other with a look of worry.

John McCain: “Justin, Brandon was killed by Batman shortly after you were. It was his final death as well…he’s gone.”

Justin: “Well yeah, I assumed that but come on, where is he?”

McCain: “He’s gone buddy. Not everyone gets to come back.”

Justin: “What do you mean not everyone gets to come back? You brought ME back!" (Justin was now speaking ever so slightly louder then before) "What makes me so special and not him?”

Neither Walsh nor McCain had an answer for him.

Justin: “Nothing huh, nothing from either of you? You bring me back without bringing Brandon back. Did you guys even consider this before you made your decision? Are you guys so stupid that you just randomly threw a dart at the draft board and it happened to fall upon me? Did ever once occur to either of you that maybe I didn’t want to come back?”

Neither assistant coach had anything to say and after a few more awkward moments of silence Justin stood up and started walking deeper into the Kennelz home building.

Walsh: “I thought maybe that you’d be a little more grateful then this Justin.”

Justin: “Grateful! Grateful yeah, I should be grateful for this. Thank you guys so much for bringing me back, what an honor to back in this godforsaken place.”

Justin began to walk down the hallway as he heard Walsh yell, “By the way, you’re starting week 1 so you better be ready to go”.

Justin: (Mumbling to himself) Oh trust me Bill, I’ll be ready.”


The TRON Grid



The vast digital fields seemed to go on forever as both teams entered their respective corners of the grid. Members have been fitted with a skin tight Black Eyed Peas suit as to allow them to function properly in this otherworldly atmosphere. The Kennelz team is standing together being led by the green glowing Karate Kid and the soulless Black Lantern Nick Houslander.

On the other side of the grid there is and Anchorman holding a drink in one hand and a dog in the other.

“Scotchy, scotch, scotch. How I love it when it goes into my belly. Yum, Yum, Yum” an already inebriated Ron Burgundy says to no one in particular and then let’s his dog Baxter take a few licks of the alcoholic beverage.

Superman looks over at his teammates and rolls his eyes only to have his attention land on the Screen Trax Robot, which is naturally shilling for the local TRON multiplex.

KC Superman: “Well just like last year, it looks like this match is going to be up to me.”

Anchorman: “Hey look Clark, I happen to know all about this place. I used to vacation here when it was green and called Italy. I had many villas here with several lovely ladies.”

KC Superman: “Shut up Ron, you’ve never been.”

Anchorman: “When in Rome.”

With that Superman takes off and flies toward his opponents thinking that even if he dies with no help, it will be better then dealing with the rest of his team. KC Superman sees the green glow of the Karate Kid and knows that he must dispatch of him first and foremost. He knows that the blue lantern rings will be useless without the Kid’s green lantern ring. Superman decides to throw caution to the wind and begins on the offensive with a direct blast of heat vision right at Daniel LaRusso. Normally this would have at least knocked the kid over but with two Blue Lantern Ringed teammates in this match, his ring has been supercharged to 300% (yeah that’s right, 300%, because honestly is it any dumber then it being charged up to 200%), making him incredibly powerful. When the heat vision reached Daniel not only did it not hurt him, but it sent Superman’s own blast right back at him, blowing him into a million digital pieces. Well, not really but I kind of did think that it might happen but in reality he just moved out of the way and tried to think of another course of action.

Meanwhile BL Nick Houslander had decided to take Tinkerbell with him on a mission to find the remaining Dope Fiends. It did not take long for them to be found as Ron was not exactly in tiptop shape.

Anchorman: “Hello Baxter.”

Baxter: “Ruff Ruff.”

Anchorman: “Well it’s nice to be here with you too.”

Baxter: “Ruff Ruff.”

Anchorman: “What’s that Baxter, somebody is coming for us? They’re right above us?”

Baxter: “Ruff Ruff.”

Anchorman: “I don’t want to play fetch with you right now.”

Baxter then picks up the TRON light stick that had been lying on the ground next them and nuzzles up against Ron, in hopes that he will take it.

Anchorman: “Okay my furry friend.”

Ron grabs the stick but right before he is about to throw it…

Baxter: “Ruff Ruff.”

Anchorman: “What? Go into a plane? You know I don’t like to fly.”

Ron then looks up and sees both BL Lantern Nick Houslander and Tinkerbell. BL Nick is hungry for a couple scotch soaked hearts when he notices Burgundy do something with his hands and before he realizes what is going on, Burgundy had used the light stick to create a TRON plane and was now taking off towards the Kennelz home base with Baxter in tow.

BL Nick: “Oh no you don’t Anchorman. Your leather bound ass is mine.”

The BL takes off after Burgundy with Tinkerbell following close behind.

BL Nick: “Come on Ron, I wanna be on you, well at least the heart part of you.”

Tinkerbell: “What the hell are you talking about Nick?”

BL Nick looks back at her and shoots a defensive look back at her.

Tinkerbell: “Hey look, I understand doing Anchorman references towards him but it just sounds like you are coming on to him instead.”

BL Nick: “Mind your own business fairy godmother.”

Tinkerbell: “You’re calling me fairy godmother, it seems to me the ring on your finger changed a little bit more then just thirst for blood, do you have something you might want to get off your chest.”

BL Nick: “I feel exactly the same. Everything is as it used to be.”

Tinkerbell: “Yeah, I know.”

BL Nick: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Tinkerbell: “Oh come on, just admit it. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

As these two argued about the BL’s sexuality Baxter had a crazy idea for Ron.

Baxter: “Ruff Ruff.”

Ron: “What’s that Baxter?”

Baxter: “Ruff Ruff.”

Ron: “I can’t do that Baxter, I WON’T do that.”

Baxter: “Ruff Ruff.”

Ron: “Oh I can’t say no to you.”

Ron then opened up the digital cockpit on his plane and Baxter jumped out at BL Nick and began to bite him. BL Nick screaming like a little girl as Baxter began to bite his nose.

Tinkerbell: “Wow Nick, your case is so convincing.”

BL Nick heard this and ripped the dog from his face and threw him directly at Tinkerbell. Baxter and the Fairy collided and before Tinkerbell was able to regain her composure she found herself well on her way down the throat of the small dog. Baxter was happy with this turn of events but now found himself falling to certain death. That was until Ron turned the jet around and before he even knew what hit him, Baxter was back in the plane with his master.

Ron: “Oh Baxter, I couldn’t leave you back there.”

Baxter: “Ruff Ruff.”

Ron: “I love steak bits and cheese too!”

Baxter: “Ruff Ruff.”

Ron: “Oh Baxter, you know I don’t speak Spanish.”

As soon as Ron spoke back to his dog BL Nick was on top of the plane. Nick had blown a hole in the jet’s cockpit and as he was about to reach down into the chest of Ron Burgundy when he was suddenly captivated by the 70’s sex symbols eyes.

Ron: “Oh god, you are looking at me like a gay Mr. Houslander.”

The uncomfortable gaze caught both combatants by surprise but the momentary lapse in judgment ultimately cost Nick more because as soon as he went in for the kill, he found that a green lightsaber had taken off the ring wearing hand of his, sending his now black goo spraying body down to the ground.

Ron: “What can I say Baxter, I guess he wanted me. Can you really blame him though?”

Baxter: “Ruff Ruff.”

Ron: “I know. I am a man made for lovemaking. I’m pretty much the most irresistible person I know.”

Mandolarian Justin Oblak: “Is that right? Because I can think of one person who could give two shits about you Mr. Burgundy.”

Ron: “Well how do you do Mr. Metal suit.”

MJO: “Shutting up now.”

Justin reaches into the plane and rips Burgundy’s throat out Swayze style and then blows a hole through the stomach of Baxter. By blow a hole through, I naturally mean Baxter was basically blown to bits by the Lancer gun Justin now had at his disposal. Justin then took off and let the formally occupied TRON plane plummet to the ground.

Back on the other side of the battle Superman had just disposed of Droideka #1, proving that a powerful enough blast of energy could easily take care of its shield. Daniel LaRusso had been blasting Superman with a decent amount of green lantern energy as Young Anakin circled the perimeter on Robin’s Motorcycle.

Anakin: “Hey Watcher, this is my bike now, Robin’s a pussy.”

I went in for a closer look and sure enough Anakin had (very archaically) scratched any semblance of Robin off the bike, in fact he even very childishly wrote “The Chosen One” on the side of the vehicle. So I should correct myself and say that Anakin is now riding “His” bike around the perimeter.

Anakin: “Thanks for the correction.”

Watcher: “You’re welcome you little punk, that just so happen to be a slave for the first ten years of your life. Jeez, you’d think this kid would be a little more appreciative of his spot on the team.”

Anyways, where was I?

KC Superman: “I was about to go down there and kill that little kid.”

Oh right, really? That’s what you’re gonna do?

Daniel LaRusso: “Not if I have anything to do with it.”

KC Superman: “Luckily for me, you don’t.”

Superman then blew a hole in the side of “Anakin’s” bike, setting it on fire. Anakin then tried to put up a shield around him but before he was able to Superman had taken his lightsaber from him and ignited it inside of his chest.

KC Superman: “Sorry kid, no hard feelings.”

Anakin: “That’s easy for you to say, you’re not the one who has a laser sword in his chest.”

KC Superman: “Yeah I know, but what else am I going to say in a situation like this.”

Anakin: “Oh I don’t know, maybe something along the lines of “Hi, I’m a big overrated jerk who gets way too many good breaks in this league.”

KC Superman: “I think you are getting me confused with another incarnation of myself that was on another team. I’m the grey haired Superman, the one who’s used to getting the shaft; But not this season. This season I’m not going to let anybody get in my way, especially not some little slave kid with an attitude problem.”

Anakin: “I’m a person and my name is Anakin.”

KC Superman: “No, your name was Anakin”

As he says this Superman blasts Anakin directly in the face with a lethal dose of heat vision.

KC Superman: “Now they’ll just call you another one of Michael Vick’s dead dogs.”

Daniel LaRusso: “Wow Superman, how the mighty have fallen. You used to stand for something. Something good, something pure. Now…well now you’re just another victory obsessed douche bag in this league.”

KC Superman: “You may be right kid, but it sure beats being a loser.”

Superman immediately took off toward the lantern wearing karate master and knocked him to the ground. Despite the fact that Daniel had the ring, he was no match for the Kryptonian who froze his ring wearing hand with a quick blast of his freeze breathe. He then knocked him to the ground and crushed his hand, destroying the ring. He then crushed his chest cavity, therefore ending his life.

KC Superman then looked around his strange surroundings, thinking to himself how oddly beautiful they really were. He stood there waiting for the screen trax robot to finally makes it way over to him.

Superman: “Well how are you pal, it took you long enough to get…”

Before the words were even able to come out of his mouth, the screen trax robot was blown to bits and through the cloud of smoke and fire was a charging Mandolorian Justin Oblak. On top of Justin charging in on Superman with everything he had, he shot a missile that made direct contact with the supposedly wiser version of Clark Kent. The missile blast sent Clark down to the ground hard and did more damage then I thought it would.

Justin Oblak: “I hope you enjoyed yourself so far in here Kent because the rest of your time is going to be spent wishing you were dead.”

Justin then charged the injured Kryptonian and sent numerous shots from his GOW Lancer and though the bullets were bouncing off of him, you could tell that they were taking its toll. Superman then sent a blast of heat vision towards the recently resurrected Kennelz member, to which he was able to avoid but it did give Superman the time he needed to regain his composure.

KC Superman: “What happened to you kid? I’ve never seen you like this before.”

Justin: “Well it’s amazing what having nothing to lose will do to a guy.”

Superman then took off into the air and Justin followed right behind him. Justin sent everything he had at Superman and though some of it found its target, it wasn’t long before Justin was out of everything. Superman soon realized this and instead of letting Oblak chase him he decided to go once more on the offensive and charged the Mandolarian warrior. Superman was able to catch Justin off guard and before he knew it, he was crashing to the ground.

Justin landed on his jet pack, which he had to quickly remove before it blew up and took him with it. As he ran away from the damaged pack it exploded behind him (to which he did not turn around to look at because cool people don’t turn around to watch explosions). Superman watched this entire scene take place from above and then took off once more for ground level. As Clark Kent landed on the ground Justin looked pleased, almost like he was looking forward to the fight.

Superman: “I’ll give you credit kid, you put up one hell of a fight.”

Justin Oblak: “Still am by my count, unless you’re too pussy enough to fight me man to man.”

Superman: “Big words for someone without a weapon.”

Justin Oblak: “I am the weapon you kryptonian faggot.”

Superman: “Ha! Okay, let’s finish this thing.”

Justin Oblak: “Yeah, that works for me.”

Justin then picked up his Lancer and charged at Clark Kent with the chainsaw chugging along at full pitch. Superman was once again amazed at the resilience of this kid and was even more surprised when the lancer was launched at him with the strength of somebody much more powerful then your average Mandolarian Warrior. Though he was able to block the gun fairly easily, it still did hit his arm enough to allow Justin one more good punch to the gut of the graying superhero.

For Justin though, it would be the last hit he would land on his opponent as Superman was finally able to gain the upper hand for good by kicking him to the ground and snapping the final Kennelz members neck. Superman then got up and walked away from a fight that took more out of him then he was ever truly admit. Superman then walked away in victory, waiting to be brought back to his team headquarters for which he would assume would be one hell of a victory celebration over last years Universe Bowl Champions.


Back at the Kennelz Locker Room…

Assistant coach Walsh was waiting by Justin’s room as he cleaned up after his first match back. It took a little longer then usual but eventually Justin answered Walsh’s repeated knockings.

Justin: “Yeah.”

Walsh: “Hey Justin, I just wanted to say you fought one hell of match today. Nobody expected us to win, but the way you showed yourself against Superman was really beyond anyone’s wildest expectations. I just wanted to say it really is great to have you back and I hope you can put everything that happened last week in the past.”

Justin: “You done?”

Walsh: “Yeah, I suppose I am. (Kind of taken aback from his apathetic response) Just…keep up the good work Justin. You’ll be back to your old self before you know it.”

Justin: “Yeah, you’re right. One down, only nine deaths to go.”

As he said this, he looked directly into the eyes of his assistant coach and shut the door in his face.