Week 4: The Striders of Rohan vs. The Politically Correct Cult of Shrinky Dinks

The Striders of Rohan are: Kylo Ren in a TIE Silencer, John Stewart, Captain Marvel, Odin w/ White Lantern Ring, Wolverine w/ Red Lantern Ring, Adam Warlock, The Guardians of the Galaxy (Star Lord, Gamora, Drax the Destroyer, Rocket Raccoon, Groot, Nebula, Mantis, Yondu, and Kraglin) in Star Lord’s ship, Red Lanterns #1-2, Cyborg Superman, Hancock, Jedi Master #1 in Anakin’s Starfighter, T-2 and T-3 in First Order Command Shuttle, Admiral William Kelly in a Stealth X-Wing, Supreme Leader Snoke with Xenomorph Aliens #1-15 and Jedi Masters #2-8 in The Executrix, Circuit Breaker, and Goblins #1-3.

The Gender Neutral Group of Misunderstood Little People are: Magneto, Mr. Mxyzptlk, Larfleeze, Omega Supreme, Sinestro, Han Solo with Chewbacca, Peppy Hare, and Ewok #9 in The Millenium Falcon, Starscream, Ganthet, Sayd, White Lantern Batman, Lando Calrissian with Nien Numb, Lobot, and Ewok #10 in The Outrider, Star Fox in an Arwing, Star Wolf in an Arwing, Air Zonk w/ Power Dump and Astra, and Mighty Mouse.

The Milky Way: Home to such celebrities as Bruce Willis and Bill Nye. Such beautiful locations as the Grand Canyon, The Moon, and the grave of Hitler’s racehorse in Louisiana. But what IS the Milky Way? Believe it or not, very little of it is made of milk at all! It’s a galaxy, our galaxy in fact, and it gets its name from the bands of milky white stars visible from afar on the earth’s surface. Up close, however, it just looks like tons and tons of black space with shiny polka dots. Tonight, the usually peaceful glimmer of stars is replaced with distant explosions and streaks of multicolored light tearing across the night sky, leading many on our humble planet to round up their guns and get into the makeshift bunkers full of canned asparagus. It wasn’t a sign of the end times, but rather a fierce battle raging between our two teams of formidable space fighters.

The two fleets approached each other at the Mars-Jupiter borderline. The Striders were undeniably the more imposing force, with almost twice as many ships and a strong handful of supporting forces to boot. Despite the diminutive size of The Little People, they brought a lot of strength in a small package.  Floating on an asteroid a good distance from the frontlines, Mr. Mxyzptlk was trying to teach Ganthet and Sayd to play a game he brought. “So basically, we all pick where the ships move at the same time, then after they move we have a battle phase”, he explained. His opponents, Ganthet and Sayd, were visibly frustrated. “Okay, but I don’t understand all these little pieces and symbols. What am I supposed to do with the dial again?” Mxyzptlk shook his head and chuckled. “I’ll give you guys a hand since you’re beginners. See the choice with the arrow going straight and the number 5? That’s gonna move you toward your enemy the fastest.” They each chose this option and set down their dials, as Mr. M put down a pair of dials with curving arrows. As the dials hit the table, The Guardians of the Galaxy in the Milano began to fly rapidly toward the enemy lines, along with the T-2 and T-3 in the Command Shuttle. As they charged, the Millenium Falcon and The Outrider came around from flanks in a pincer attack, and together they blew through both Striders ships before either could launch an attack of their own. Sayd sighed, “Mxyzptlk, you’re not such a great teacher. That was a cheap trick.” The Interdimensional Imp laughed, “Well, I guess it’s a good thing I gave you the enemy ships, then!” Suddenly, Cyborg Superman burst through the asteroid, flinging the broken Guardians of the Universe into space. “Mxyzptlk, of course. Sorry to crash your little game night.” Mxyzpytlk scoffed. “Oh, do your worst, you’re not even the real Superman.” CyberSupes firmly clamped his hand around the Imp’s throat, and he slapped Superman’s metal shell with a feeble swipe. Mxyzptlk’s lifeless body was thrown to the ground, but the point of his final slap had begun to rust, and crumble, and spread across Cyborg Superman’s body until he fell apart into a pile of rusted scraps and decaying meat.

Back at the main scene, the bewildered crews of the Millenium Falcon and Outrider wondered how their vehicles took off on their own and executed such a well coordinated attack. They didn’t stop to wonder long, though, as the entire Striders fleet rushed out toward them The Executrix was quick to blow Lando and his Outrider apart, but the Millenium Falcon was evading Kylo’s TIE Silencer and Jedi Master #1 in Anakin’s Starfighter. From behind them, Fox McCloud and Wolf O'Donnell rolled up in their Arwings and shot down Jedi Master #1. They had their sights on Kylo’s TIE, but a Stealth X-Wing came from nowhere and took them both out first. “Surprise, fagknuckles!” cheered Admiral William Kelly from the cockpit. As the remaining Striders chased down the elusive Falcon, the shipless masses of the battle were still locked in battle. Air Zonk, Power Dump, and Astra had blasted away the Goblins on the Striders side, and Red Lantern Wolverine wasn’t pleased with that. “HEY BUB, YOU SUPPOSED TO BE SOME KNOCKOFF MEGAMAN?” Air Zonk began to reply, but Logan simply screamed a blast of burning red bile onto the trio, dissolving them instantly. High above, the Millenium Falcon had managed some rather impressive maneuvers and taken down the Executrix. Captain Marvel, Odin, and John Stewart joined together and rushed the ship, busting through the final spacecraft threatening their team. Meanwhile, the final two spacecrafts on the Striders side were circling around in search of easy prey to pick off. They found their prey in Omega Supreme, but Starscream reacted quickly and retaliated against William Kelly’s Stealth X-Wing.

Kylo Ren skirted the edge of the battlefield. The remaining forces of each team began to group up, two distinct clusters of immense power waiting to clash. As they rushed to the fight, Kylo made a charge to strike his foes from behind. He landed a killing blow on Mighty Mouse, but the moment he fired, he turned the head of Magneto, who crumpled the Silencer to an unrecognizable mass and chucked it to drift through space. Larfleeze and Magneto stood side by side, lobbing suppressing fire at the enemy ring-bearers. Circuit Breaker crept up behind Starscream and broke his circuits with great aptitude, before White Lantern Batman batted her out of the playing field. He then returned his focus to his teammates. Wolverine had grown tired of hiding back from the barrage of light projections, and he charged their lines. Chunks blew off of him enraging him further, until he pounced on Larfleeze in a flurry of blades and teeth. By the time Magneto twisted Logan’s bones and peeled him from Larfleeze, there was little left to recognize of Agent Orange.

Magneto, Sinestro, and White Lantern Batman stood alone for The Little People. Adam Warlock, Hancock, John Stewart, Captain Marvel, and Odin had them surrounded. “Damn it all!” Sinestro snarled. “We were the superior force! The sheer incompetence is disgusting.” With a grimace, Magneto said, “It does appear we’re outnumbered.” White Lantern Batman, solemn and dignified, spoke up. “Life has a funny way of surprising you. Life gives, and life takes. Let me give you a little life while I’ve got some left.” He cast a bright white bubble around his teammates, shiny and hard as a pearl. He faced the remaining Striders of Rohan and charged his ring, glowing brighter and brighter, until it cracked and shattered from his hand. His body burst apart, erupting into a gigantic swarm of searing white bats, rolling over the Striders and burning them out of existence.