The Universe Bowl

Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches Vs. Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos


Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches are Ego the Living Planet, Mogo, Ranx the Sentient City, The One Above All, The Living Tribunal, Doomsday, Darth Vader in a Z-95 Headhunter, Darth Talon in a Z-95 Headhunter, Boba Fett in a Z-95 Headhunter, Yendar Platis & R2-KT in a Y-Wing, Dark Phoenix, Magog (w/ a green lantern ring), Orion, Vulcan, Red Hulk, Carnage, Dracula, Holocaust, Wolverine, Deadman, Michael Myers, Arkillo, Pablo (w/ a Halberd), Tyrone (w/ a Heat Axe), Austin (w/ an Atlas), Uniqua (w/ a red lightsaber), & Tasha (w/ a green lightsaber) on a Hovercraft.

Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos are Dave Bowman (w/ a green lantern ring), Numnius (w/ a blue lantern ring), (movie) Jetfire (w/ an indigo lantern ring), Tlaloc (w/ a red lantern ring), Dex-Tar, Zombie Doozer #1, Karu-Sil, Ahmed Best, Fatality, Jar Jar Binks, Taa, Parallax, Bryan Beckerman (w/ mandalorian armor & red & blue lightsabers), Orion Pax (w/ the autobot matrix of leadership), Mary Marvel, Ben Kenobi, Xerxes, Dante, Gen. Grevious, Spider-Man, Dr. Fate, The Crew of the Icarus 2 in the Icarus 2, (movie) Devastator: Demolisher, Mixmaster, Long Haul, Rampage, Scavenger, High Tower, & Scrapper, The Herculoids: Zandar, Tarra, Dorno, Zok, Igoo, Tundro, Gloop, & Gleep, Dr. Doom, w/ Ellen Ripley, & The Colonial Marines in a Star Destroyer, President Barack Obama w/ Hannah Montana, & Xavier Harkonen in the ID4 Mother Ship, HAL 9000 w/ Albus Dumbledore, & Harry Potter in Rama, Lazarus Long in a Mig, Vorian Atreides in a Mig, Frank Poole & Astro-Droid #19 in an A-Wing, Venus & Serena Williams in the Batmobile, Mrs. Doubtfire in The Wild Goose, Dora (w/ blue & green lightsabers), Backpack, Benny, Issa, & Tico.


INTRO
“Meesa will try not to make this a long-o-tello but for weeks weesa been crunchin but nobodys been comin out on top. Yousa see, right when it was all beginnin and everybody was wantin to start crunchin weesa sent The Icarus 2 to try an use their big boomers to blow up Ego and Mogo, but thissa didn’t go so good cause Mogo shot one boomer back at the ship to crunch the whole crew and the other at the planet which weesa was supposed to be crunchin on in the first place! eh eh eh. Oh, where is my manners. Meesa almost forgot to introduce myself. Meesa called Jar Jar Binks and meesa your humble narrator. Weesa think that the crew of The Icarus was da only ones that got crunched before this all started, but its hard to tell. All the big brains on our team is pretty sure that we all have a life debt to Numnius cause when we was all gettin very scared she used her powers to zap us to Rama where weesa all is now. Boss Obama sent us a message deerect from his Star Bongo where he specked that heesa was pretty sure that Dark Phoenix zapped all the bad guys onto theysa 3 planets before the Play-Off Planet went BOOM. So now weesa been waitin and theysa been waitin and weesa all wonderin when weesa gonna have a match. Wheesa all been put on our own spots cept for Numnius and Dark Phoenix, who the bosses all think are still on the dyin play-off planet crunchin with each other. Some of the team is out flyin around outside Rama, but most of us is still just sittin here cause Boss Obama is tellin us to just wait for the bad guys to attack........... When is the match gonna start you speck? Meesa no know: WHEN YOU THINKIN THE MATCH IS GONNA STARTEN!!

The enormous form of Rama is being flanked by the typically considered huge, but currently dwarfed Star Destroyer and Mother Ship. Tlaloc and Frank Poole are acting as fighter-escorts to Obama’s Mother Ship (known as Commando-1), while Dante & Xerxes are doing the same for Dr. Doom’s Star Destroyer (The Latverian). Head Coach Barack Obama prepares to speak to his troops. He knows that his teammates on Doom’s Star Destroyer and the other ships can hear him, and that his voice is being amplified throughout Rama, but Rama is so huge, that many of The Commandos who were transported there have not even been located yet. President Obama says: “I know..... That many of you feel that this is quite a setback. But thanks to the brave crew of The Icarus 2 and the quick thinking of Numnius..... We find ourselves in a situation that I feel is in out best interest. It is true, that Mogo, Ego, & Ranx are still alive and that are plan did not happen as we intended it to, but it is we that have the advantage. Home field advantage if you will. We can sit, surround, and wait on Rama until The Backyardigans attack us, and when they do........ We will be ready. I have every intention of achieving victory in The Universe Bowl, and with your help this goal can be achieved. So I wish you all good luck and Allah speed..... I mean God-speed, I don’t know why I said that, everybody knows that I am not a Muslim“. Several light years away The One Above All, who has taken the form of writer/director George Lucas has made it aware to Darth Vader that his underling, The Living Tribunal is prepared to transport the entire Backyardigan squad onto Rama whenever they are ready. In the meantime Lord Vader has prepared his troops for an all-out surprise attack that he is confident will destroy all of The National League’s Universe Bowl dreams for good. The Backyardigan trio of Z-95’s, Master Platis’s Y-Wing, Magog, Orion, & Arkillo are already on their way to Rama, while the rest of the team waits patiently for the instantaneous transport into Rama that they have been preparing for over the last few weeks. The only team-members, who are not preparing for this initial attack are Dark Phoenix, who is still believed to be battling with Numnius on the scorched remains of The Play-Off Planet and Mogo, Ego, & Ranx, who are going to simply sit back as the last line of defense for The Backyardigans. They are confident that the squad they are sending will be able to defeat The Commandos but they believe that even if they are not successful by some stoke of NL luck that what remains of The Commandos after this battle will be no match for the 3 sentient settings. The One Above All has informed the 7 space worthy members of his team that they need only speak the words aloud that they wish to be transported onto Rama itself if they get into any sort of trouble; which is why Lord Vader has instructed Talon, Platis, Fett, Arkillo, Orion, & Magog to hold nothing back while fighting in space because even if they get into an unwinnable predicament they will be granted a second chance for victory. As Darth Vader and his space-worthy troops come out of light speed and begin fiercely attacking the ships outside of Rama, Lord Vader gives the signal to The Living Tribunal who transports not only himself and The One Above All, but the rest of their attack squad inside Rama. With this instantaneous movement of troops onto the enormous ship, many small battles begin raging between the 2 championship teams. The Dark Lords of the Sith become locked in an intense dog-fight, while Magog, Orion, & Arkillo all move toward the red lantern wielding Tlaloc. Frank Poole catches Yendar Platis with a concussion missile to blow his Y-Wing to bits. Master Platis is then teleported to the inside of Rama by The One Above All. R2-KT on the other hand is not as lucky; and blows up along with the Y-Wing. Frank Poole loops back around, to find his next opponent; but he finds that Boba Fett is already hot on his trail. Poole is in possession of the faster of the 2 fighters, but Boba Fett’s skill as a star pilot more than make up for the difference as he catches Poole off guard with an advanced missile to take both him and Astro-Droid #19 out. The battle rages on inside Rama. In a large metal-floored open area Red Hulk and Doomsday team up to take out an opponent of gargantuan size. Though the Decepticon Gestalt dwarfs the 2 behemoths in size, he does not do so in strength. Doomsday and Rulk proceed to Demolish and Devastate Demolisher and the rest of Devastator with a significant amount of mountain leveling attacks to the center of the enormous Transformer. Boba Fett regroups with Darth Vader and Lord Talon to form a triangular formation. They begin moving towards Commando-1, but Xerxes catches Boba Fett with a massive lasgun blast. Boba’s ship blows to pieces right after The One Above All transports him down to Rama. Vader loops back around and takes out Xerxes, but while he is doing this, Dante manages to shoot Darth Talon’s Z-95 and inflicts serious damage to it, in the process. Vader then uses his last 2 missiles to destroy Dante, but Bishop uses the guns from inside the Star Destroyer Latverian to hit Vader’s Z-95. Both Vader and his apprentice’s ships are on the brink of utter destruction, but neither of them ask for The One Above All’s help. Vader manually guides what is left of his ship, while he uses the force to guide Darth Talon’s ship into the docking bay of Dr. Doom’s Star Destroyer. The 2 Sith Lords jump out of their extremely damaged ships and then stealthily begin to search out The crew of The Star Destroyer. Vader, who was there from day 1 of The Empire’s inception knows Star Destroyers as well as anybody in the galaxy, and he uses that knowledge to his advantage as the cat and mouse game begins. Admiral Doom puts The Colonial marines on full alert as Sgt. Apone leads a full search and destroy mission to find the 2 trespassing Sith. Tlaloc’s rage is fueled to its full potential by his red lantern ring, and it is this rage that helps him rip through Magog’s green energy aura and destroy him. Tlaloc is not quite as successful when he squares off against Orion and Arkillo who combine their powers to rip the Titan leader apart. In a small fresh water area, within the depths of Rama, Dr. Fate approaches a hovercraft being piloted by a group who seem like fairly easy prey. Tasha speaks to her Backyard friends and says: “Are you guys ready to eff this guy up”? “Oh yeah, I’m gonna nail this turkey with my heat rod” says Tyrone. “Don’t you mean Heat Axe” says Pablo. “Oh, I guess I could go easy on him and use that instead” the arrogant little Moose says. Dr. Fate takes note of the 2 lightsaber-wielders, but as he lands on the edge of the hovercraft Pablo, Tyrone, & Austin all use their weapons to simultaneously cast Bolt 2, Blaze 2, & Blaze 3 on the good Dr. and completely fry him in place with a series of stunning attacks. Back on what is left of The Play-Off Planet Dark Phoenix sits alone on a shattered mountainside, meditating within a wave of her own apathy. Both teams are under the assumption that since they have not seen or heard from either of them, that an intense battle between her and Numnius rages on; which was at first true but Dark Phoenix actually defeated Numnius about 5 earth days ago, and for her own reasons is yet to rejoin her teammates. Dave Bowman has not been seen for several days, but he did speak to Optimus Prime thru the Autobot Matrix of Leadership before he disappeared. He told Prime, that it was up to him to lead the team’s “Inner Rama Assault” because he would not be there to help out. Bowman implied to Optimus that he had other plans for how he could use his powers to benefit The Commandos, and due to all that The Starchild has done for The Commandos over the last 3 years, not a soul on the team would question Bowman’s plans. Back on The Star Destroyer, Vader and Talon sneak up on a small scouting party, and take out Gorman, Drake, Weirzbowski, & Spunkmeyer before the quartet even realized that they were there. Hicks, then spots the set of Sith and order his squad to open fire. The Marines fight bravely, but in the end they are unable to shoot through Vader and Talon’s lightsaber defenses and one by one they are killed by Vader and his apprentice. Only Dr. Doom, Bishop 341-BL, and Ellen Ripley remain alive from the original Star Destroyer crew. Doom and Bishop are on the bridge, while Ripley is approaching in her robot loader. “THAT WAS MY TEAM YOU B*&^H” Ripley screams as she slams the loader’s right arm down hard on the back of Darth Talon’s head. Vader feels an overwhelming feeling of disappointment after witnessing the apprentice he has spent so much time on be taken by surprise so easily. Vader then uses the force to crush the metal cage that makes up the center of the loader and kills Ripley with her own weapon. Vader then rushes to the control room where he sees the ship being flown by Bishop and Dr. Doom. Doom begins to formulate a plan of action, but he underestimates the speed that Vader still possesses despite his heavily-weighted suit. In one swift motion, Vader uses his lightsaber to relieve Doom of his head and then slices Bishop into several pieces to insure that he can no longer function. Darth Vader then takes over the controls of The Star Destroyer and sets it on a collision course for Rama, before he has The One Above All transport him onto the very ship that he wishes to destroy. Much like Vader suspected, the enormous Star Destroyer barely dents Rama as the 2 ships crash together, resulting in the total destruction of The Star Destroyer Latverian; but at least Vader knows that The Star Destroyer can no longer be used by The Commandos. Orion and Arkillo combine their powers of energy projection and drill a cosmic energy hole directly through the center of Commando-1. Xavier Harkonen attempts to take evasive action while Hannah Montana and Barack Obama finish off their debate about who has more influence over the country. In the end, they both agree that the true answer to their argument is Oprah Winfrey just before The ID4 Mother Ship breaks in half. Orion has no desire to ask for help from The One Above All, so he uses his own powers to transport both himself and Arkillo into Rama. Mrs. Doubtfire is traveling at speeds upwards of 300 MPH when she/he decides that this would be a great time to write a note to his friends and teammates Jar Jar Binks and Ahmed Best to tell them that he/she thinks that they are great and that The Commandos never would have made it to The Universe Bowl without them. Unfortunately while Mrs. Doubtfire is rifling through her/his purse to find a pen the hairy he/she’s futuristic car swerves into an alien skyscraper and blows up on impact. Ten lightsabers twirl at amazing speeds while Grevious and Yendar Platis battle one another. Gen. Grevious is able to slice off the 2 lowest hands of Yendar Platis, but the Jedi Master is able to fight through the pain and finish off Grevious with a double lightsaber thrust through the heart of the Dark Jedi Cyborg. Ben Kenobi is able to finish off the wounded Platis, despite his Jedi weapon being outnumbered 4 to 1. In an area of Rama that was meant to look similar to the old American suburbs of The 1950’s Venus and Serena Williams are ripping through the streets in The Batmobile, while they are followed by Vorian Atreides and Lazarus Long from the air. The 3 vehicles patrol the area when they find that the only enemy is a lone mutant, standing on the roof of one of the small cookie-cutter houses. Vulcan uses his right and left hands to send out 2 intense streams of energy which follow the 2 Migs until they are both taken out. Lazarus Long is able to eject out of his cockpit, but Vorian Atreides has a ejection malfunction and is killed as the plane explodes. Vulcan then jumps onto the roof of The Batmobile and pulls the reinforced steel top right off of the vehicle. Venus and Serena both grab their tennis rackets and use their bulky (yet still feminine) muscles to attack the omega-level mutant, but it is of no avail. In the end, Vulcan makes extremely short work of the 2 tennis stars. Lazarus Long pulls out his vibro-blade and attempts to sneak up on Michael Myers, who is blankly staring at Zombie Doozer #1 as he squeezes the life out of him. Lazarus thinks he has the upper hand, but right before he is about to deliver the killing blow to Myers, the crazed lunatic turns around just in time and puts his own knife into the chest of Long. Spider-Man and his old enemy Carnage battle with each other on top of a large skyscraper like they have done so many times in the past, while Rulk and Doomsday search for more victims. The Starchild has worked tirelessly over the last 200 hours to conjure as much cosmic energy as possible to use in this battle. He reappears on Rama, and without a spoken word makes it clear that he needs the assistance of both Karu-Sil and Taa. The 2 lanterns follow behind Bowman as the trio travels at the speed of light to the farthest point of the match. Also known as the resting place of the 3 Backyardigan living strongholds: Mogo, Ego, & Ranx. As the 3 Commandos approach, Mogo and Ranx use their own lantern powers to instantly destroy both Karu-Sil and Taa, but Bowman is unharmed by their attacks. Dave Bowman uses his own green lantern ring to create an aura that most veteran lanterns would never be able to will into existence. With this energy field surrounding The Starchild, even the combined cosmic attacks of Ego, Mogo, & Ranx are unable to penetrate it. While encapsulated in this field of his own making, Dave Bowman concentrates like he never has before. For one milla-second, Bowman causes all time to completely stop and for The Universe to be under his complete control. In this time The Starchild displaces all of the molecules of these 3 beings and kills them all. After the single-handed destruction of Mogo, Ranx, & Ego; Bowman allows himself an entire earth second to relax before he rockets back to Rama to further aid his team. As Dave Bowman arrives back at Rama, The One Above All sends The Living Tribunal after him. The Living Tribunal has just finished overloading The HAL 9000 computer with more information than the super-computer could possibly handle, but that feat was nothing compared to what is being asked of him now. The Living Tribunal flies toward Bowman, but The Starchild has no time for a cosmic showdown such as this. Bowman uses his own incalculable powers to enhance the power of his green lantern 1 Million fold. He then hits The Living Tribunal with a blast that completely disintegrates him. The One Above, who is still in the form of George Lucas witnesses the death of his underling, but has no intention of dying so easily himself. The Lucas incarnation is well aware of what creating and destroying Universes is all about, so he simply prepares to do what he does when one of his own characters gets to cool. He claims that whatever he all of the sudden doesn’t like about this character was never actually “cannon” to begin with. You see only he can decide what is and isn’t “cannon”; so he manifests this in the physical form by putting it into a little ball of blue energy which he calls a cannon ball. The One Above All then throws this said “cannon” ball at Dave Bowman, whose powers revert back to page 1 of 2001: A Space Odyssey. The Starchild’s amazing FFL career then finally ends as Bowman plummets to his doom. The Cannon Ball falls to the ground as well, where it is picked up by none other than Ahmed Best. Ahmed shows it to his pal Mr. Binks and explains to the Gungan what just happened to their team’s MVP. The 2 carbon-conductors of awesome know that The Lucas/One Above All needs to be stopped; which prompts Jar Jar to say: “But what are weesa supposed to do about it”. Ahmed replies: “Don’t worry General Jar Jar, if anybody can destroy everything that George Lucas has ever accomplished, it’s the 2 of us”. Best and Binks valiantly rush The One Above All, but on the way there Ahmed Best trips over some Avian poop and falls flat on his face. Jar Jar keeps running at The One Above All, but he turns his head around and yells to Ahmed: This was yousa plan, what’s meesa supposed to do”? “Usem the Cannon Ball” Ahmed yells. “Meesa no have a cannon ball” says Jar Jar brilliantly. “Here, takum this one” Best replies. Ahmed Best then throws the cannon ball to Jar Jar, who reaches out his hand to catch it. In all of the character’s sheer genius, Jar Jar then, in a hilarious scene of events bobbles the cannon ball several times before he knocks it into the face of The One Above All. The One Above All is then destroyed by his own unfathomable power. Jar Jar and Ahmed have no time to celebrate their major contribution to their team’s potential victory, because only a few seconds after their defeat of The One Above All, the voice of one of their most respected teammates comes over Jar Jar’s communicator. “Jar Jar, this is Dora. We just took out Dead Man, but now it’s time for the real threat. Follow this homing beacon, and hurry up we haven’t got all day”. The battle that the little explorer spoke of ended when Backpack engulfed Dead Man within his endless compartments until even the undying spirit of the super-hero was destroyed. Their pal Issa was killed by Dead Man in the process, but it was worth the price. Dora can’t afford to shed tears for fallen teammates, even ones as close to her as Issa. Teammates die and Guerra es Hell as she has been known to say. She didn’t cry when her best friend Boots died, nor when she had to take her first life. She affords herself a second to think back to how much it used to bother her to have to kill and to see death surround her, but not any more, not after all she’s been through. Her young eyes may have seen enough blood to last several full lifetimes, but she knows that the worst is yet to come, and if it’s gotta come than she may as well be the Grim Reaper and not the soil sleeper. As Dora and her crew wait for back-up, the battle rages on elsewhere. Holocaust uses his bare hands to rip apart Zandar as well as his wife Tarra and son Dorno. He then uses his powers of energy projection to fry both Gloop and Gleep. It is a little more difficult for him to take out Igoo, but he does manage to crack the shell of the rock-hard ape before Tundro and Zok blast Holocaust with enough combined lava and lightning energy to take him out. Back at the Commando base of operations located just under the entrance to Rama, 2 of the most B.A. combinations in FFL history are reforming. While the Indigo powered Jetfire is fusing himself to Optimus Prime, Parallax is infusing himself into the Mandalorian-Armored-double-lightsabered-playgirl-centerfold-approached Bryan Beckerman. They fly into the fray with the intention of finding Rulk and Doomsday before they can do any more damage. They see the 2 muscle bound attackers in the distance, but they are already a little late to the party. Doomsday and Rulk had no problem mowing through both Zok and Tundro to finish of The Herculoids, and then ripped Mary marvel limb from limb, by each grabbing an end. Optimus and Becks seem a little mismatched against these 2, despite their add-ons but the score gets evened when Dumbledore and Harry Potter rush in to lend a hand. Bryan Becker(lax)man leads the charge against Doomsday and Rulk which begins the pitched battle to end all pitched battles. meanwhile, Carnage has finally finished his life long goal of killing Spider-Man, as their one on one fight was finally ended with Carnage ripping free of Spider-Man’s webs and breaking Peter Parker’s neck, Spider-Man is quickly avenged by the ravenous red cat Dex-Tar, who quickly bites the jugular of Carnage on his way to his next battle. Dark Phoenix finally decides to rejoin her teammates and comes to the aid of Orion, Vulcan, and Arkillo who are battling Dex-Tar and Fatality. Dark Phoenix more than tips the scales for her team against the 2 lanterns, but before they are destroyed Fatality does manage to send an energy spear through the face of Arkillo to make him Ardeado. While Rulk and Doomsday Bryan Battleman with the 3 Commando duos and Ben Kenobi is busy getting triple-teamed by Michael Myers, Dracula, and Wolverine; Jar Jar and Ahmed Best have finally arrived at the rendezvous point where Dora and her crew were already waiting for them. The rendezvous point was a wet marshy area that led into a fairly wide lake. “What’s de plan theira ey-a big boss-Dora your Honor”? Asks Jar Jar. “We have to take out that hovercraft”. Dora replies as she points way out in the distance. “Who’s on it” asks Ahmed Best. “The Backyardigans themselves” Dora replies grimly. “Whoa Noo Oooooohhooooheee ahhhh” Jar Jar says as he faints. Benny and Tico pull some smelling salts out of Backpack to wake up Jar Jar, while Dora looks at Ahmed and says: “I told you this mission was important. Now lets wake up Binks and get moving”. “How are we going to get over to them”? Asks Benny. But Dora is already pulling out a small boat from Backpack: “A little trick my cousin Diego taught me” Dora says as they all get on the raft and begin hand-paddling toward the Hovercraft. Optimus Prime knocks Rulk to the ground and stuns him, while Parallax fuels Beckerman with enough power to move both of his lightsabers in a V-swing and take Rulk’s head clean off. Doomsday is momentarily the only Backyardigan in the skirmish, when Darth Vader, Boba Fett, Dark Phoenix, Orion, and Vulcan show up. Dumbledore is keeping Doomsday at bay when he says: “Harry and I have got Doomsday covered. Don’t worry about us”! Optimus Prime/Jetfire uses a blast of Indigo energy to take out Orion, but an energy blast from Vulcan sends Optimus flying. Prime survives the blast, but finds that his armor, and Jetfire himself were not so lucky. Optimus transforms into his semi-truck form and comes barreling back into the fight, but Vulcan and Dark Phoenix blast the truck to pieces before Optimus can do any more damage. Ben Kenobi keeps his 3 attackers at bay for quite some time, and manages to use his lightsaber to let out Michael Myers concentrated evil by creating a large vent in his neck via decapitation. Kenobi then goes for another head shot on Dracula but the vampire is quick enough to duck the swing just in time. While Kenobi is in full saber-swing, Wolverine catches him with an adamantium thrust to the gut. Dora and her crew are completely unnoticed as they approach the hovercraft. Right before they hop on, Dora says: “We are probably not all going to make it out of this alive, but it is muy importado that we take The Backyardigans out for good, now VAMANOS”! The Commando strike team raids the hovercraft, and casualties get heavy on both sides. Austin puts his Atlas thru the smiling face of Backpack, while Benny strangles Tyrone with his bare hands. Ahmed Best and Jar Jar Binks trip over each other but in doing so fall on Austin and hit him in the temple which kills him. Uniqua puts a lightsaber thru the chest of Jar Jar, and Tasha does the same to Ahmed. Pablo then sticks his halberd into the back of Benny, and then tries to use the halberd on Dora. But Tico sacrifices himself for Dora and jumps onto the halberd before the full fury of Bolt 2 is released. The spell engulfs both Tico and Pablo killing them both, and knocking the green lightsaber out the hand of Tasha who was right next to them. Meanwhile, back on land. Doomsday has somehow broken loose of the combined spell of Harry and Dumbledore and when he did, he managed to put a massive gray fist through the face of Dumbledore. Dumbledore dies instantly from the blow, but Harry conjures up every bit of magic he can muster and focuses it directly at Doomsday. When Harry finally cannot focus any longer he releases the spell to find that Doomsday is completely annihilated. Harry isn’t sure if he can even move, let alone fight; but he realizes that he is going to be tested sooner than he had hoped when both Dark Phoenix and Vulcan rush in towards him. Harry unleashes what he can toward his 2 attackers, and surprises even himself when he wipes out Vulcan with a single magical burst before he is engulfed by the true order of The Phoenix. Tasha laughs manically as she reaches into the pouch of the dead Backpack and pulls out Boots’ old lightsaber. “Didn’t this belong to your dead little monkey friend”? Tasha says to Dora as she ignites the lightsaber and walks up closer to Dora with Uniqua by her side, wielding her own red lightsaber. “I will never fear Boots’ sword” The little explorer says. Dora stands at the ready, with her lightsaber ignited. She positions herself so the 2 remaining Backyardigans cannot get behind her, she knows that they already have the advantage but she doesn’t want the double team to be any worse than it already is. Dora focuses on the problem at hand and just allows herself to become one with the battle. She thinks to herself as if she is merely a bystander watching what she was doing from afar, as if she were a star of a show, and she was living the life of a normal little girl watching it at home on her couch. As if the whole event happens in slow motion she thinks to herself : I dodged Tasha’s swing and I parried Uniqua and I did it... I did it... I did it hurray. I came up on the left and I sliced Uniqua’s neck and I did it... I did it... I did it hurray. Tasha picked up the other saber and double swung at me and I ducked it... I ducked it...... I ducked it hurray. Then I through down a double spin kick and back-flipped over Tasha and I did it.... I did it.... I did it hurray. Then I took my saber and I ran her through and............................ I did it. Dora does not waste a second after dispatching the last 2 Backyardigans. She knows that just because her mission is complete that doesn’t mean that there aren’t teammates of hers that need help. She gets behind the controls of the hovercraft and crashes it in to the shore. Dora hits the ground running with her lightsaber ignited. She gets to the skirmish just in time to see Beckerlax surrounded. With their lightsabers drawn, Dora and Beckerlax stand back to back as the remaining Backyardigan team closes in on them. The Parallax entity flies out of Bryan Beckerman and attacks. Darth Vader raises his right hand in the air and rips apart the solid Parallax, destroying the physical form for good, but Bryan realizes that the Parallax power has not left him, and that it never will. Vader, Boba Fett, Dark Phoenix, Dracula, & Wolverine are amazed at how difficult it is to break through the defenses of the super-powered-armored lawyer and the battle-hardened little girl, but eventually they do fall to the American League’s might.
BECKERMAN’S BACKYARDIGAN’S: BEEYATCHES ARE UNIVERSE BOWL CHAMPIONS!

Season Three: Week Four: Consolation Match: The Untouchables vs. The Right Wing

The Untouchables are Big Bird

The Right Wing is Nick Houslander

Nick Houslander kicks open the door to the bathroom and see’s a gigantic yellow bird standing by the urinal.

Nick Houslander: “You sure you know what your doing with that thing?”

Big Bird: “Oh, I know exactly what I’m doing with this thing.”

As soon as he says this, he rips the urinal out of the wall and hits Houslander directly in the head with the urine soaked object. Houslander falls to the floor and drops his always-loaded double barrel shotgun. Houslander is woozy as he lies on the floor trying to regain his senses. His hands are blindly reaching across the soaking wet floor when he looks up and see’s Big Bird holding the gun.

Nick Houslander: “Just finish it you yellow sack of s$#%”.

Big Bird: “It’ll be my pleasure you fat f#%@ing loser”.

Big Bird unloads one of the barrels into Houslander’s gut and then jam’s the other barrel into his mouth, turning his head into pile of bloody end trails. Big Bird throws the gun on the floor and walk’s back into the bar; looking for the coldest beer he can get his hands on.

The Right Wing: All Dead.

The Untouchables: Big Bird survives.

The Untouchables are Victorious!!!

Season Three: Week Four: Consolation Match: Better Than All of You vs. TEAM

Better Than All of You is Dave Mustaine

TEAM is Bokken

Dave Mustaine: “Nice backpack you tool”.

Bokken: “You’re hilarious man!”

Dave Mustaine: “No, I’m serious, you look like the ultimate tool with that thing on.”

Bokken: “Yeah, Tool was out when “Train of Consequences” came out.”

Dave Mustaine: “That’s not why I said that, I wasn’t making a pun on the word Tool or anything. I’m saying it because it makes you look like a tool.”

Bokken: “If I’m a tool though, then in a couple years I will become a perfect circle then”.

Dave Mustaine: “Are you f#*!ing kidding me with this s*$%!”

Bokken: “Can you sing to me a little bit?”

Dave Mustaine: “You know what, sure why not”

Dave Mustaine then proceeded to smash Bokken’s head into the urinal while singing a modified version of “Train of Consequences”.

Dave Mustaine: “I’m doing you a favor, as I repeatedly smash your head into this toilet, trust me when I say this, but I don’t even feel sorry…”

TEAM: All dead.

Better Than All of You: Dave Mustaine survived.

Better Then All of You is Victorious!!!

Season Three: Week Four: Consolation Matches: Hayley's Comet's vs. Le' Napoleon Brigade

Hayley’s Comets are Mace Towani (w/laser sword)

Le’ Napoleon Brigade is Scary Spice

Mace Towani stands in the stall of the bathroom and thinks to himself about how disgraceful it is that he is holding a light saber knock off. It is an embarrassment to him as he has seen the real thing before. As he sits there in the stall waiting for his opponent, he wonders whether or not he should even use it. As he is contemplating this decision, the bathroom door opens up and he can hear the very distinct sound of a British woman singing a song he is not familiar with.

Scary Spice: “Stop right now thank you very much, I need somebody with a human touch. Hey you, sitting in the stall, you gotta flush that toilet, make sure you get it all.”

Mace Towani open’s up stall to see who the hell is in the bathroom with him. He sees a tall black woman with a ridiculous looking silver unitard on.

Mace: “Um, hi. What are you doing in the men’s bathroom?”

Scary Spice: “Oh, is this room for men only love?”

Mace: “Well yeah, it is the men’s room after all”.

SS: “Well isn’t that a bit sexist in a way. I mean, what about equality of the sexes and everything?”

Mace: “Did that really ever apply to the bathroom area though? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m with the girl power thing…”

SS: “Yeah, GIRL POWER!!!”

Mace: “Yeah, like I said girl…”

SS: “GIRL POWER!!!”

Mace: “Yeah, that thing you just said, but I’m pretty sure it never really applied to bathrooms. I don’t really think having separate bathrooms is a bad thing.”

SS: “So you agree with the separate but equal laws then?”

Mace: “No, that’s not what I’m saying. All I’m saying is that…”

SS: “Is that because I am a black British woman, I should have to go piss in the sewer’s or something like that. Is that what your saying.”

Mace: “How did you get to that conclusion, I’ve never once mentioned any of those things that you just accused me of.”

SS: “Whatever man, I see how you are.”

Mace: “I am sorry that you think I’m like that but I’m really not.”

SS: “Whatever man, Girl Power.”

Mace: “What?”

SS: “GIRL POWER!!!”

Mace then looked down at his laser sword and all of a sudden decided that it would not be a disgrace to use this on her, but a blessing to the world. He then pulled out his laser sword but before he was able to even turn it on, Scary Spice was able to knock it out of his hand.

SS: “Don’t even try to use that sword on me.”

Mace: “Um okay, well then how about I use this on you.”

Mace tries to take a swing at her, but she blocks his punch and then does a sweep kick on him that sends him crashing to the floor. She then punches a number into her cell phone and begins laughing hysterically at him.

Mace: “What on earth are you laughing about now?”

SS: “2 become 1 baby!”

Mace: “Huh?”

SS: “SpiceForce 5!!!”

Mace: “Please just kill me now.”

SS: “Not a problem love. GIRL POWER!!!”

Scary Spice then walks out of the bathroom and seconds later the room explodes into a ball of fire. Despite the loud noise from the explosion, you could still hear Mel B singing songs for the remainder of the night.

Hayley’s Comets: All Dead.

Le’ Napoleon Brigade: Scary Spice survived.

Le’ Napoleon Brigade is Victorious!!!

The Horsemen of Apokolips vs. George Washington's Slaves

“Shut the f#$@ up! You should just f#$@ing smile and bloooow me! Because I deserve it!”
-Mel Gibson

I look to the teams which will do battle at the women’s bathroom at Sandy’s By The Beach in this Consolation Round 4 Match. They are as follows:

The Horsemen of Apokolips: Ryan Poteracki.

George Washington’s Slaves: Air Bud.

Let the battle begin. . .

I look upon Mr. Ryan Poteracki as he sits upon his porcelain throne. Although it appears he is reading the newest Sports Illustrated, as I look closer, I realize that Poteracki is actually reading the newest Green Lantern comic book which is sandwiched between the magazine’s pages. He is smiling as Hal Jordan Parallax flies across the pages of his book.

Poteracki is interrupted when he hears a scratching on the door. He quickly throws the magazine/comic book down and begins to wipe. As he is about to pull the final tissue needed to clean himself, the door crashes open and Air Bud races toward him. Poteracki trips over his pants. The golden retriever is focused on Poteracki’s manhood.

The dog springs upon Poteracki and Ryan defends himself, while screaming at the possibility of losing something very special to him. Air Bud’s teeth repeatedly gnash together. I look at the scene and it strikes me similar to the shark’s jaws repeatedly searching for Quint in “Jaws.” In frustration at not meeting his goal, Air Bud rips off Poteracki’s new khakis from Armani. The dog is shredding the pants apart while Poteracki stands in his underwear, waiting for the mongrel.

Air Bud jumps in a spectacular fashion and knocks Poteracki against the toilet. A gash is opened on Poteracki’s forehead. Air Bud smells the blood and riles into a frenzy. Air Bud launches himself at Poteracki, once again. This time Poteracki anticipates the move and lifts the toilet top from the toilet. He smashes the dog in the face. The dog’s neck is broken and crumples to the floor.

Poteracki: How about that seventh inning fetch-b$@ch!!!

George Washington’s Slaves: Air Bud dies.

The Horsemen of Apokolips: Ryan Poteracki survives.

THE HORSEMEN OF APOKOLIPS ARE VICTORIOUS!!!

Alice's Wonder Team Vs. Logical Genocide

Alice’s Wonder Team is Princess Peach.

Logical Genocide is Robert Hudson (w/ a laser sword & laser gun).


Well, I got some crap on the comment board last week for not talking enough about the setting in which the match took place, so: It is a dark, dreary, crowded bar, the smoke is so thick that you could cut it with a knife (yeah, that's right. In my fantasy world the smoking ban never passed). There is a low hum of conversation emanating through the room which is increasing by the minute as more and more patrons enter the front door creating a line which boils over into the parking lot on a busy Friday night in the snowy month of January in Redford, Mi. Unknown to the working class crowd, who enjoy their friends, family, and drinks, is that aside from their affordable yet delicious food and friendly wait staff that serves them is a lurking hatred brewing as 2 formidable and deadly opponents get ready to engage in mortal combat (not kombat, this isn’t the video game). The line outside the undersized, one toilet bathroom located in the backroom of Sandy’s By the Beech, just North of the storeroom and employee entrance grows longer as the two occupants inside are not using these facilities for their intended purpose; but as the setting for their potential last victory of Season 3. As you enter the small bathroom you will see a single sink on your left with a cracked counter. In front of your face your eyes will be confronted with the sight of a hand dryer and the most notable part of the room can be found on your right. Yeah, you guessed it.... The toilet. But what is unique about the bathroom tonight, is the Princess of The Mushroom Kingdom, who has taken the high ground by standing on The porcelain American Standard Toilet and the bearded Best Buyer himself Robert “Effing” Hudson located with the sink to his back. Hudson already has his laser sword ignited and ready, but he has chosen to holster his laser gun, because he is afraid of a potential ricochet off of the close-quartered walls (that’s right, he’s seen A New Hope & he knows what‘s up). The hum of the laser sword cannot be heard through the wooden door by the conversing bar-goers; but it sounds like a broken Bass Amplifier within the bathroom’s tile lined walls. The reddish glow of the sword brings a brightness to the bathroom that has never been experienced in any other part of Sandy’s. Peach looks tiny to the Robster, but Hudson realizes that she has something up her sleeve....... Literally, she reaches up her sleeve and pulls out one of Sandy’s famous fried mushrooms. She eats it, and then suddenly grows to 2 times her previous size. “Good, I was hoping you’d do something to even the score, before The Robinator brings the pain, Mario ain‘t coming to rescue you this time”. Hudson says to the Princess. “Yeah right Bobby. Nice loser sword by the way, If you were a video game manufacturer, you’d be Hudson-SOFT”. Peach says in reply. Peach then leaps off of the toilet and kicks the hand dryer off of the wall right into Rob, but Rob manages to slice it in half with his laser sword. Peach then floats over top of him in a ducking position (the ducking is out of necessity, like I said the bathroom is super small). The Princess then lands on the other side of Robert and kicks the laser sword out of his hand. She attempts to deliver another kick to the chest of Hudson, but Robert blocks it and then allows her own momentum to throw her onto the dirty tile floor. This sends her back to her small size, but she jumps right back up, ready to do battle. She jumps at Rob, but Rob ducks under her. Hudson, then gets back to his feet and then kicks his laser sword back up to his hands in one fluid motion. Peach is in mid-jump attack with the bronze-colored toilet paper roll in her hands as a weapon when Robert swings upward with his laser sword and slices her in half. Robert allows himself a sigh and says: “More like Hudson-hard Beeotch”.
LOGICAL GENOCIDE IS VICTORIOUS!

Universe Bowl III Poster

Season Three: Week Three: Consolation Match: The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs. The Syracuse Valley

The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets are Bill Kelly (w/ blue light saber), Nightwing and Smurf #2.

The Syracuse Valley are Splinter and Scooter.

Bill Kelly instantly ignited his light saber as the Midgets entered the second story apartment that they assumed the match would take place in. Nightwing followed behind him with Smurf #2 sitting on his shoulder.

Bill Kelly: “I suppose this is it, but where the hell are the Valley?”

Nightwing: “I don’t know, it seems awfully quiet in here, even for a consolation match.”

Bill Kelly: “Hey you pu$$#@s, show yourself.”

They wait there a minute or so but never here or see a thing. They decide to walk through the apartment and after a couple of minutes of inspection realize that they don’t have an opponent to fight.

Nightwing: “Well, I’ve heard of team’s not finding each other for long period’s of time, but there is nowhere to hide in here. Where the hell are they?


Splinter and Scooter walk into the kitchen of a small two-bedroom house ready to fight. Splinter has told Scooter that he should try to calm himself before this battle and try not to get to flustered before the fight. Scooter reminds Splinter that he is not exactly the best fighter in the world anyways, but that he will do his best. After doing a quick check through the house, the two Valley members begin to wonder why they are still alone.

Scooter: “Don’t you think it is kind of odd Master Splinter that we are the only one’s in here right now?”

Splinter: “I do find it odd indeed. We shall investigate this anomaly further before we do anything drastic.”

Scooter: “Ah sure, that’s fine with me. I don’t mind the sitting and waiting though, kind of a huge fan of that.”

Splinter takes no notice of Scooter’s last comment and begins to carefully move through the tiny house. It does not take them long to search the place and just as the Midgets have found, there is nobody in the house to fight.

Scooter: “Um Master, I’m pretty sure were alone in here. Not that I’m complaining or anything, but I don’t think that there is anything to find in this place.”

Splinter: “I believe that you are right my son. We shall meditate on this and wait for the solution to present itself.”

Scooter: “Works for me.”

Splinter and Scooter both sit on the floor of the living room and begin to meditate. Well, okay, Splinter began to mediate and Scooter just sat there and stared at the wall. In the meantime though, the midgets were taking a proactive approach to this dilemma and were going door to door in the apartment building looking for their opponents.


Bill: “This is getting us nowhere. We’ve checked out over half the building already and nobody has even the slightest clue of what we are even talking about. Plus, is it just me or doesn’t this place have an early 80’s vibe to it?”

Nightwing: “Yeah, that’s because it’s 1982 at this place. There was a newspaper at one of the doors and I checked it out. You’d think nothing would ever surprise me anymore in this league but every match something new always seems to happen.”

Bill: “So we just gonna keep on walking door to door or should we go back to where we started?”

Nightwing: “I suppose we should head back. We were transported there so I would imagine that it must be where we are going to fight.”

The three of them begin to head back to the apartment in which they started at. When they finally make it back, Bill goes to open the door when Nightwing abruptly stops him.

Bill: “What the hell!”

Nightwing: “Just listen for a second. Do you hear that?”

Bill: “Hear what? It’s sounds quiet to me.”

Nightwing: “Somebody’s in there, I know it.”

Bill: “So what, then let’s open up the door to finish off this b@$@h!”

Nightwing: “Wait, just let me think for a second. (Pauses) Okay, I’ve got it.”

After a minute or so Nightwing has managed to perch himself on the ceiling outside of the door, while Bill Kelly stands to the left of the door with his light saber in hand. Kelly then opens the door from the side while Smurf #2 stands directly in front of the opening. They both realize that putting the Smurf directly in harm’s way is risky, but they believe that whomever their opponent is will be more startled by the site of such a weak opponent and rather then just blast him to bits without a moments thought, they will pause for a moment which will give them the time they would need to get the upper hand. They also know that even if the latter happens, the loss of the Smurf is negligible in terms of the end game of this match. Though as the door opens, the Smurf has a bewildered look on his face.

Smurf: “What the hell?”

Bill: “Is there anyone in there?”

Smurf #2: “Define there?”

Bill peaks his head around the corner and instead of seeing the inside of the apartment, he sees the inside of the place Splinter and Scooter and meditating in.

Bill: “Well, I can’t say that I’ve ever seen anything like this before.”

Smurf #2: “Well I gotta see what this is all about.”

Smurf #2 then walks into the other house to investigate the situation. He is actually kind of excited because of the bizarre nature of this match, but when he turns around to say something to Bill he finds that he is all-alone with only an empty neighborhood behind him.

Smurf #2: “Oh S#%&!”


As Bill Kelly watches Smurf #2 begin to walk into the room, he thinks to himself that he could just stay back for a minute and wait to see if his little blue teammate could stir something up for them. As he watched the Smurf crossover into the room he saw something that was even more unexplainable then the room existing in the first place. Bill stood there in disbelief as he watched his teammate completely vanish into thin air. Gone was the other room with the Smurf standing in it and back in its place was the entryway to the apartment in which they had started.

Bill: “Well, now what do you want to do.”

Nightwing: “Well it’s obvious that these two places are connected, so I say we go back in there and see if we can’t find another room that might take us there.”

Bill: “Okay, but we need to be careful. It’s pretty clear that only one of us will be able to pass through so we need to put that into consideration.”

Nightwing: “I agree completely, but let’s first find this thing before we do anything else.”

Bill: “Well yeah, no sh#%!”


Splinter was still meditating when Smurf #2 walked into their house. Scooter was just kind of sitting there waiting for Splinter to finish when he heard something coming from the front of the house.

Scooter: “Did you hear something?”

Splinter: “Yes, someone has entered through the front door.”

Scooter: “What the hell dude, why didn’t you say something to me!”

Splinter: “Because I knew you would overreact immediately and go off and try to kill them yourself.”

Scooter: “Well I don’t know about that. I might go on a search but it’s doubtful that I would just go start a fight on my own. That’s just not my style.”

Splinter: “Well, regardless I found it to be a better idea to wait for them to come to us.

Scooter: “That’s seems pretty stupid if you ask me.”

Splinter: “Well I wasn’t so just sit back and do as I say.”

The Smurf walked carefully through the house as he knew he had virtually no protection whatsoever as he was the lone member of his team in this place. The one thing the Smurf did have on his side was his size though. He could sneak around the house with the stealth like precision of a mouse. As he slowly walked along the edges of the room he noticed two figures in the kitchen, one of which was tinkering with something in his suit. The Smurf couldn’t tell what he was doing, but he noticed projections of some kind coming off of his robotic body. The Smurf couldn’t quite figure out what was going on, but he knew that the longer these two had alone the worse it was going to be for him.


Bill and Nightwing continued their search for another opening to no avail.

Bill: “Are we doing something wrong, why can’t we find this thing?”

Nightwing: “I don’t know, maybe I was wrong with thinking that we could find another opening someplace else, let’s just get out of this place and try the front door again.”

Bill: “Works for me, that Smurf has to be running out of time.”

The two of them go towards the front door and open it, what they see on the other is a little shocking to them. Instead of seeing the hallway of the apartment complex, they see the same exact room that the Smurf walked into.

Bill: “Well, again I still didn’t see this coming.”

Nightwing: “Yeah, it’s kind of hard to plan something around this scenario.”

Bill: “Well, am I going through this thing or are you?”

Nightwing: “I’ve been thinking about that. What if we both jump through the thing at the same time? I mean, wouldn’t it be the same thing?”

Bill: “Yeah, I suppose. I guess it is worth a shot. The only thing that worries me even the slightest is that the second that Smurf went though the door the thing closed up. If we are not going through at the exact same time, we might not make it through all the way.”

Nightwing: “Well, I see your point but I think it is an acceptable risk.”

The two of them then stood in the door way and on the count of three, both jumped through to the next room. Bill landed on his feet just fine with no side effect caused by the make shift portal. The same could not be said for Nightwing though. Maybe it was bad timing or perhaps sending two people through this thing at once just broke the rules of its use, but Nightwing was now stuck in between the two places as his left leg was still on the other side.

Bill: “Oh s%#@ dude, are you alright.”

Nightwing: “Oh sure, being stuck between two worlds via a portal is awesome.”

Bill: “I mean are you in pain?”

Nightwing: “No, actually it doesn’t hurt at all. I just can’t move my leg. It’s like it is in cement or something. Try to pull me out.”

Bill grabs a hold of his teammates arm and tries to pull him through the door. When he does this Nightwing lets out a scream that would send chills down even the most heartless person’s body. Bill immediately stopped pulling and realized that they were probably not only in trouble because of this, but that their opponents now knew sure well that they were here.

Bill: “I’ll be back in a minute, they have to know we are here now. Let me go and see if I can still keep them away from you.”

Bill then moved through the house still not hearing anything when out of the corner of his eye he saw a giant rat meditating on the floor of the kitchen. He waited a good thirty seconds before he made his attack but as he ran into the kitchen and jammed his light saber into Splinter, he realized the entire thing had been a ruse as his sword went directly through the holographic projection.

Before Bill was even able to fully understand what was going on, the real Splinter had knocked him down onto the floor of the kitchen. Now that Splinter had Bill down on the ground, it didn’t take him long to wrestle the light saber away from him and soon enough the very skilled rat had broken the neck of over matched Kelly.

With Nightwing still stuck in the portal, the Valley had the major advantage in the fight. Scooter watched the entire portal incident and was well aware of the pain it caused him. This gave Scooter the confidence he needed to run up on the portal bound super hero and pulled on his arm, sending a surge of pain throughout his entire body. As Nightwing just stood there screaming in agony, Splinter came over to his enemy and ended his misery by cutting off his head with Bill Kelly’s light saber.

Splinter looked very sternly at Scooter and said, “There was no need to cause that man so much pain. Next time just end it immediately. That is a move that someone on the Horseman or the Kennelz would do. I don’t want us to be like that.”

Scooter: (Under his breathe) “What, champion’s.”

Splinter then turned around and ignited his light saber an inch away from the Gobot characters neck.

Splinter: “No, I think you know exactly what I am talking about. Now go finish off that Smurf so we can go home.”

Scooter: “What Smurf?”

Splinter: “The Smurf that has been spying on us for over an hour. (He pauses and stares at the robot) You know what, never mind.”

Splinter then pushed aside the chair that the Smurf has been hiding under and crushed him into the wall, killing him. Splinter then looked over at Scooter and said, “At one point during this match I thought you might actually be worthwhile, but now I know you are just born to be a failure.”

Scooter looked on as Splinter walked away from him with the feeling of sickness in his stomach, as he knew that even though this was a victory, he had lost the respect of his teammate forever.

The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets: All Dead

The Syracuse Valley: Splinter and Scooter survived.

The Syracuse Valley is Victorious!!!

Season Three: Week Three: Consolation Match: Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies vs. Xavier’s Annihilation Squad

Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies are Marine #50 and Ewok #50.

Xavier’s Annihilation Squad is Gomez Adams (w/ Red Light Saber)

Marine #50: “I got this one you little fur ball, don’t you worry about it.”

The Marine begins to fire at the Adams Family member but Gomez uses his Red Light Saber to block all of the shots. Then instead of waiting for another attack, Gomez charged at the Marine and with a surprising amount of strength, plunging his light saber right into the face of the Marine. This left only Gomez with the Ewok and because I know these stories are supposed to be somewhat kid friendly, I will not tell you what Gomez did to the poor Ewok. Let’s just say that Gomez has more in common with Hannibal Lector then he does with Mother Teresa. Needless to say, Gomez killed him.

Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies: All Dead.

Xavier’s Annihilation Squad: Gomez Adams survived.

Xavier’s Annihilation Squad is Victorious!!!

Season Three: Week Three: Consolation Match: Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve vs Team Sleeping Pussy

Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve are Brandon Inge (w/ Blue Lightsaber & Iron Man suit) & Charlie Brown.

Team Sleeping Pussy is Norman Rockwell (w/ a zapper) & Compy #50.

Brandon Inge: “What the S@#^ is going on? Why the hell are we on a moving semi-truck.”

Charlie Brown: “I’m not sure Mr. Inge, but I’m pretty sure that Norman Rockwell has sharpened down his paintbrush into a stake so I’d watch out for that.”

Brandon Inge: “Look Chuck, it’s great that you’re trying to help and all but instead of pointing out useless strategy to me, why don’t you try and kill that dinosaur.”

Charlie Brown looks up at Brandon with distain as he runs over to the Compy and tackles him off of the truck. This move naturally kills them both but he did manage to do what Inge wanted.

Brandon Inge: “Nice work Chuck, now come over here Rockwell and I’ll show you what a real Consolation star is made of.”

Rockwell runs over to Inge and immediately goes for the legs with a sweet sweep move that brings the third baseman to the ground. Inge looks startled but then fires up his Iron Man suit and blasts the painter right off the bus. Being the ever-arrogant fighter that he is though, he doesn’t just let Rockwell fall to his death. Instead, he flies over to him and brings him back up on the truck.

Brandon Inge: “I wasn’t going to let you off the hook that easy.”

Inge then proceeded to punish Rockwell with a barrage of hit s to the face. He then picked up his body and began to fly up in the air and smash him back down on the top of the truck. Just when Rockwell was about to breath his last breathe, Inge took out his light saber and plunged it into the chest of legendary artist. He then picked him up with the light saber still in his chest and whipped him off of the truck, an act that sliced his body in half, finally killing.

Brandon Inge: (Laughing like the maniac that he his) “I thought you were an artist Rockwell, let’s see if you can get anything out of this situation.”

Brandon Inge stood on top of the truck screaming like a mad man firing off energy blasts from his suit.

Team Sleeping Pussy: All Dead.

Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve: Brandon Inge survived.

Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve is Victorious!!!

Logical Genocide Vs. Alice's Wonder Team

Logical Genocide is Robert Hudson (w/ a laser sword & laser gun), Mellissa Hudson (w/ a Star Wand), Treasure Troll #9 & Smurf #9.

Alice's Wonder Team is Goblin #4 & 5, & Ewok #47.


“Hey Mellissa, what exactly does that Star Wand do anyway” Smurf #9 asks of his teammate. Mellissa is about to answer but Robert speaks up and says: “What’s it to you Smurf. How about none of your business AW-Ight”. “I was just asking” says the Smurf. “Naw, I think you were just trying to mack on my woman. Now maybe I oughtta put the smack down. You know what I’m sayin”? “I don’t need no motha-f&*(^*n attitude from a smurf yo. An I don’t need some punk-a** b(*&h tryin to perpetrate on my lady”. “Hey were all on the same team here” Treasure Troll #9 adds. “If we on the same team that how come y’all tryin to spit game at my girl? Maybe before this match starts and before I take my skills to the other side of this Semi-Truck and put the smack down on Alice’s Blunder Team I send a couple of you all down to the Gee-Why” (that’s the graveyard if you’re wondering). “I ain’t messin around son. I got more fight than Michael Vick’s dawg yo. I’ll kick more a** than boots attached to underwear. I can bust more caps than a square head. I’m like a holy war without the prayin. I’m like a kickboxer without gravity. I’m like Jackie Chan before they invented Jet Li. I’m like an atom bomb that they forgot to put in the box. I’m like Alexander the Great if he wasn’t gay. I’m like Mel Gibson when he knows he’s not being taped. I’m like an analog speaker without that fuzzy covering over it. I’m like Angelina Jolie if she wasn’t so ugly. I’m like Black Sabbath back when Ozzy wasn‘t retarded. I’m like........ Oh crap who killed the smurf and the Troll”?? “The 2 goblins and the ewok did when this match started, maybe you could join us” Mellissa screams to her husband as she uses her Star Wand to kill Goblin #4 and Ewok #47. “Oh s**t: REPRESENT!!!!”. Robert screams as he pulls out his laser gun and puts a laser in the forehead of Goblin #5. “Damn, I can’t believe our teammates died like that, this sucks yo. I always liked those guys. They were like Delta Burke when she was skinny. They were like Dick Clark when he could talk. They were like College for that first week when you’re still paying attention. They were like......”.... I think he kept talking but I left.
LOGICAL GENOCIDE IS VICTRIOUS!

TEAM Vs. Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches

TEAM is Unicron, The Presence, The Beyonder, Voltron, God Emperor Leto II, Superman, Superboy, Thor, Thunderstrike, Ultra Man, Fortress Maximus, Mike Sroka (w a blue lightsaber & mandalorian armor) in an AT-RT, Laura Sroka (w/ a blue lightsaber & a mithril vest) in an AT-RT, Space Ghost, Jan, Jace, Blip, Seraph, Luke Skywalker & R2-D2 in an A-Wing, Jango Fett & (young) Boba Fett in Slave 1, Lando Calrissean, Nien Numb, & C-3PO in The Millennium Falcon, & Zombie Jet Li.

Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches are Ego The Living Planet, Mogo, The One Above All, The Living Tribunal, Ranx the Sentient City, Darth Vader in a Z-95 Headhunter, Yendar Platis in a Z-95 Headhunter, Doomsday, Dark Phoenix, Magog (w/ a green lantern ring), Orion, Red Hulk, Fafnir, & Boba Fett in a Z-95 Headhunter.


Alright, I know that this is The AL Finals and that many of you are probably getting sick of me starting matches this way, but once The One Above All comes in to contact with The Presence and The Living Tribunal crosses paths with The Beyonder, the entire Universe comes to a screeching halt and everything as we know it is destroyed at the speed of light. Now this all powerful show of powerfullness would be pretty amazing to most people, but to this all-powerful Watcher it amounted to not much more than a show of fireworks (did I mention that I hate fireworks). No worries though everybody, I know that you people at home wanted a match and I your friendly neighborhood Watcher will provide one for your reading pleasure (we can’t all be above fireworks). The match will of course not include the likes of The Presence, The Beyonder, The One Above All, & The Living Tribunal who could not be revived so arbitrarily. The other thing that could not be put together so quickly (I mean the match is already late) is The Play-Off Planet. What was once The FFL’s perfect little planet for all things play-off is nothing more than a charred rock free-floating in space (don’t worry The Play-Off Planet will be perfectly reformed for next week’s Universe Bowl). Most of the competitors on both of these teams are more than comfortable in the vacuum of space, but those that are not have been placed upon the newly formed Fortress Ranx. Fortress Ranx is what happened when Fortress Maximus and Ranx the Sentient City where thrust together and made stuck by the enormous explosion caused by the deaths of the unkillable characters that began this match. This inadvertently supplied the 2 teams with a base of operations to attack from. Mike, Laura, Seraph, & Zombie Jet Li are all positioned on The Fortress Maximus side of the metal monstrosity, while Red Hulk, Doomsday (not that Doomsday can‘t survive in space), and Fafnir are on The Ranx side. The only non-space worthy character not on this floating amalgam is The God Emperor Leto II, who is somehow by himself on the biological surface of his enemy Ego. While The God Emperor rips up the landscape, and does what he can to single-handedly “change the face” of Ego, Space Ghost and his trio of tools fly over to Ego to see if they can possibly lend a hand to their Kwisatz Haderach teammate. Once they get close, Ego strengthens his gravitational pull and begins to suck the foursome into his atmosphere. Jan, Jace, & Blip are killed quickly by this action, but Space Ghost is able to fight thru the pull. His suit provides enough protection for him to make it onto the planet’s surface where he rendezvous’ with The God Emperor. The God Emperor issues his decree privately to Space Ghost and Space Ghost follows his orders without question. Space Ghost begins wreaking as much havoc as possible in order to draw attention away from The God Emperor while Leto finds an area that is primarily sand and burrows into it. Leto II has no illusions that even he can create enough physical damage to single-handedly destroy an entire living planet, but Leto sees the mental path to victory. he burrows into an area of protection deep within the rock and dirt of the planet and then establishes a mental link between himself and Ego. Once Leto has control of he mind of his opponent he fuses Ego’s thoughts with his own and sends them both into a trance that neither of them will awaken from. This instantly put the planet into a dormant state that in essence kills them both along with everything on the planet. Ranx uses his yellow lantern ring to melt Fortress Maximus off of him, but Mike & Laura in their AT-RTs, Seraph, & Zombie Jet Li are able to escape onto Ranx before Fortress Maximus is destroyed completely. Thor briefly lands on the surface of Ranx to put Mojinir thru the face of his old Asgardian rival Fafnir, but then returns to his TEAMmates in the space battle. Thunderstrike tries to imitate his Thor brethren by attacking Orion with his hammer by his same name, but he is not so successful. Orion grabs the arm of Thunderstrike before Thunderstrike can deliver the blow and then cracks his neck with his own god-like strength. Doomsday & Rulk leap off of the surface of Ranx into the vacuum of space to do battle with Superboy and Ultra Man, while Magog flies in fast toward Superman. Magog believes that with the added power of his green lantern ring he will finally have what it takes to defeat Superman in one on one combat but he finds that his skills still come up short as Superman mows thru the green energy being projected by Magog’s ring and uses his Heat Vision to melt the anti-hero into goo. Superboy may have the same powers as Superman, but TEAM finds out fast that you cannot send a Superboy to do a Superman’s job as Doomsday makes short work of the underdeveloped Kal El with a neck-breaking fist to the jaw of Superboy. Ultra Man comes up short as well against Rulk as the Red Hulk fights thru the ranged attacks of Ultra Man and then overpowers him with a series of back-breaking, yet well-placed punches. Yendar Platis is unable to shake The Millennium Falcon in his Z-95 Headhunter and gets blasted apart. He is able to pod-eject from the ship and land on his teammate Ranx. Luke and his father Vader become locked in an intense dog-fight that is amazingly exciting to watch as they battle each other in ships that both make up for their lack of power with speed. (old)Boba Fett instantly recognizes his ship Slave 1 and takes advantage of how well he knows the vessel. He has no idea at first that it is his own father piloting the ship but after a couple of minutes of engaging Jango, he begins to recognize the flying style of the man that showed him the ropes. Boba Fett knows that Jango’s skills were more than just noteworthy, but he also knows that his own skills have surpassed anything his father could once do. Boba Fett takes advantage of how well he knows Slave 1 and begins to target the ship in its one weak spot (even I couldn’t figure out what it was, but Boba Fett sure knew). Slave 1 is blow apart, despite Boba Fett not having nearly as durable or powerful of a ship to do it with. The Young Boba Fett is killed in the explosion, but Jango manages to fly away from the wreckage with his jet pack and land safely on Ranx. Unicron transforms into his robot form and begins to move toward Mogo. The battle that has had FFL nerds talking since before this year’s draft began begins with a vengeance as Unicron breaks thru the green aura of Mogo and begins furiously pounding on the planet with his immense fists. Mogo begins taking damage like he has never experienced before in his existence but he then focuses his power on Unicron and decides to fight this battle on a more molecular level. Unicron continues to pound on the green lantern planet with all of his might but the enormous Transformer soon realizes that with every thrust of his fists his metal body is deteriorating all the more rapidly. The power of the industrial sized green lantern ring has caused metal that has withstood the most intense elements for countless millennia to all of the sudden rust and melt away to mere particles until there is nothing left of Unicron. Voltron forms together and draws it’s sword to ready for battle, but all 5 parts of The Far Universes Voltron are unable to compete with the power of the cosmic phoenix force that Dark Phoenix unleashes on the cosmic gestalt. In the blink of an eye, the power of The Phoenix Force completely consumes and destroys Voltron. Boba Fett flies up to dog-fight with The Millennium Falcon next but is not able to take it out so easily. The 2 ships race around space in a pitched battle. Boba actually gets in behind the Falcon and begins to lock on but then realizes that he has been caught in a trap as Luke swings by in a pre-planned move by him and Lando and blows Boba’s Z-95 apart. Luke then uses The Falcon as cover to swing back into his own dog-fight and take out Vader’s Z-95 as well. Both Vader and Fett are able to eject back to Ranx, but this marks the end of The Backyardigan star fleet. Seraph leads Jango Fett, Mike & Laura against The Ranx-bound ejectees, and Zombie Jet Li follows behind in all of his grossness. Mike and Laura valiantly attack in all of their armored-lightsabered-AT-RTedness while Boba Fett and Jango Fett reluctantly square off. Zombie Jet Li attempts to join the fight (or have dinner) but the only damage he inflicts is a pair of sore fists for Orion and Red Hulk when they both decide to punch thru his head. Jango and Boba’s fighting styles are so similar that neither of them ever gain a true upper hand in their fight. The 2 of them are so torn apart by what they are doing that Jango doesn’t even bother with a comment about his young son dying in the Slave 1 explosion. Boba seems to gain the upper hand, probably due to the fact that he knows everything that Jango knows plus what he learned after his father’s untimely death, which is probably why Boba is able to finish off his father with a perfectly placed blaster bolt to the neck. Darth Vader becomes locked in a melee battle with Seraph while Yendar Platis manages to force push both of The AT-RTs over. Mike and Laura both hit the emergency release on the vehicles and jump into action. Master Platis rushes the Srokas and takes out Laura, he then cuts off Mike’s lightsaber-wielding hand and knocks him to the ground, but Mike is able to put poison dart from the left arm of his Mandalorian armor into the throat of Yendar Platis just before Vader puts his crimson lightsaber thru Mike’s helmet. Vader then returns to his battle with Seraph where he is able to put just enough of a force choke on Seraph to distract him while he kills The Oracle’s protector with a lightsaber head shot. All the remaining Backyardigans, except for Mogo of course regroup back on Ranx while Superman, Thor, land along with the occupants of The A-Wing and The Millennium Falcon land on the very edge of Ranx in order to put together a plan of attack. TEAM knows that they don’t have much time to discuss a plan of action now that they are on enemy territory, but they quickly decide that they are going to have to first take out Mogo and then take out Ranx and it’s inhabitants. They come to the conclusion that if they are going to defeat this team than they will need as much power as they can fighting the threat on Ranx and will have to send just one of them off to fight Mogo. Superman looks at his TEAMmates and says: “I think we all know who this is a job for”. With that being said, Superman rockets off on his own to go and attempt the job that there is maybe only one person in all of Fantasy Fantasy who could possibly do it on his own. Thor and Luke realize that they cannot worry about whether or not Superman has what it takes to take out Mogo, because they have their own battle to fight. Boba Fett disappears down into the depths of the floating yellow lantern city in what even his teammates view as an act of cowardice, but Boba Fett doesn’t do anything without having a plan in mind and it is known by me that he had a secret meeting with Head Coach Hannibal of Crete before the match where he was given special orders for him alone. Superman flies at an incalculable speed toward Mogo who uses his planetary green lantern powers to blast him back. Mogo does this 3 more times, but Superman continually keeps on coming. The fifth time around Superman refuses to be even slowed by the intense power being projected at him as The Man of Steel rockets thru the attacks, defenses, & auras of Mogo and rockets right thru the middle of the planet coming out the other side. Superman repeats this amazing feat three more times before Mogo’s life force is extinguished. Superman then races back to Ranx to aid his TEAMmates who are already locked in battle with what remains of The Backyardigans. Lando and Nien Numb get behind some metal crates and lay down a suppressing blaster fire as cover for their TEAMmates while C-3PO act annoying behind them. R2-D2 is as brave as ever, but it does not stop him from being turned into sheet metal by Rulk’s oversized foot. Thor manages to avenge Thunderstrike by putting Mojinir into the chest of Orion, and then gets the upper hand over Red Hulk by hitting him in the knee with Mojinir to throw him off guard and then get him in a choke hold that ends with the breaking of Rulk’s neck. Thor moves against Doomsday next, who catches the god of thunder under the chin with an upper cut that knocks his head clean off. Luke is doing what he can with his force powers to contain the Phoenix Force powers of Dark Phoenix, but he is about to lose his hold when his TEAMmate Superman arrives to save the day. In one fluent motion Superman grabs a hold of his old rival Doomsday and launches him into Dark Phoenix. The 2 Backyardigans hit each other with such force that they are both sent miles off of The Sentient City and are caught in a fatal explosion caused by the mixing of their own intense life-forces. Superman is feeling hopeful having killed 2 such powerful opponents so quickly, but Vader takes advantage of the situation and puts a force choke on Superman. Superman fights thru this but Vader struggles with every bit of the force he can muster. It is uncertain if there has ever lived a Jedi or Sith who had enough force power to choke The Man of Steel to death, even after he is exhausted from such intense ordeals, but Vader manages to make it happen as he refuses to release his force grip on The Last Son of Krypton until Superman’s neck is completely collapsed. “NOOOOOOO”!! Luke screams as he sees his most powerful and well-respected TEAMmate killed. Luke ignites his lightsaber and attacks his father wit a vengeance typically reserved only for Sith Lords. Luke swings his lightsaber frantically until his weakened father can no longer parry the attacks with his own lightsaber. Luke manages to take off the head of Vader, but as he does this, Ranx begins going into turmoil and activating any form of defense it has. Lando looks at Luke and yells: “Skywalker! We’ve got to get out of here. Our only chance is to blow this rock up from The Falcon”. Lando, Luke, Nien Numb, & 3-PO rush back toward the other side of Ranx and hop into The Falcon. Luke notices that his A-Wing is completely gone which he finds strange, even though he did not have plans to jump in it right now with R2 gone. Luke takes Han’s typical seat while Lando takes Chewie’s co-pilot chair and Nien Numb and C-3PO sit in the 2 chairs behind them. Luke and Lando decide that they are going to have to fly into the center of Ranx and blow it up from the middle, just like they did with the last 2 Death Stars. Ranx attacks with a plethora of yellow energy attacks as well as conventional weapons systems but Luke is able to evade every blast. Nien Numb and Lando map out a possible breaking point in Ranx’s defenses and fly in to try and begin their attack run, but as they get close Ranx suddenly blows to pieces with such an intense blast that The Millennium Falcon is completely destroyed along with the Sentient City. Boba Fett, who is now parsecs away in Luke’s stolen A-Wing enacted the contingency plan laid out by Coach Hannibal and it worked. Win at all cost was their motto, even if it meant sacrificing some of our most powerful characters. Boba Fett takes a sigh of relief as he heads back home as the only survivor of this AL Championship: Time to prepare for The Universe Bowl.
BECKERMAN’S BACKYARDIGAN’S: BEEYATCHES ARE VICTORIOUS AND ARE AMERICAN LEAGUE CHAMPIONS!

Consolation Match: The Abomitrons vs Built Ford Tough

The Abomitrons are Batteldae, Rob Murray, Cyborg Norris, and Tammell.

Built Ford Tough is Power Man.

Power Man quickly finds himself surrounded by the four Immells from The Abomitrons. Rob Murray hastily attacks, and is thrown to his death by Power Man. The three remaining members converge in unison and pummel Power Man into unconsciousness, where Cyborg Norris then punts him off of the semi-truck and into the windshield of an old 88 Delta that is puttering behind them.

THE ABOMITRONS ARE VICTORIOUS!!

Consolation Match: Bruce's Bodacious Bullies vs Oblivio

Bruce's Bodacious Bullies are Fezzik.

Oblivio is Jitsu.

Fezzik stands his ground upon the semi-truck that is driving down the interstate as Jitsu flips and jumps towards him. Jitsu leaps forth to deliver a vicious dropkick, but Fezzik clotheslines him with his tree trunk like arm. The musclebound ninja bounces off the top of the trailer and falls to the street below, where he is promptly run over by another semi-truck.

BRUCE'S BODACIOUS BULLIES ARE VICTORIOUS!!

Better Than All of You Vs. Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battaliion of Commandos

Better Than All of You is Green Lantern (w/ an Indigo Ring & Purple Lightsaber) in Anakin Skywalker's Podracer, Aquaman, Aqualad, & Aquababy, Storm Shadow, Snake Eyes, Gandalf the White, Skeletor, The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Predator #5, Ghost Rider, Zombie Venom, Zombie Trinity, Iron Spider-Man, Anti-Venom, Batman (Dick Grayson), Robin (Damien Wayne), Batman (Jean-Paul Valley) & Astro-Droid #18 in an A-Wing, Batman Beyond 0n a Mig, Symbiote Suit Spider-Man, Doc Holliday, Lonestar & Barf w/ Astro Droid #17 (RVD-1) in a Y-Wing Bomber, John Rambo, David Dunn, Nick Fury, & Doozer #6 in a Rhino 4 x 4, Beachhead & Mr. Mind in a Mail Jeep, "Macho Man" Randy Savage on a Ducatti, Cobra Commander, Red Skull, Lex Luthor, Smoke, Tomax & Xamot w/ Yogurt in an AT-ST, Ninja Pirate # & Cobra Viper #2 in a Land Speeder, & Deathlok.

Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos are Numnius (w/ a Blue Lantern Ring), Capt. Steven Hiller in a Mig, (movie) Devastator: Demolisher, Mixmaster, Long Haul, Rampage, Scavenger, High Tower, & Scrapper, Dex-Tar, Zombie Cloverfield Monster, Karu-Sil, Fatality, Taa, Orion Pax (w/ The Autobot Matrix of Leadership), (movie) Jetfire (w/ Indigo Lantern Ring), Norma Cenva, General Grevious, Spider-Man, Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter, The Herculoids: Zandar, Tarra, Dorno, Zok, Igoo, Tundro, Gloop, & Gleep, Parallax, Dr. Fate, Mary Marvel, Lazarus Long in a Mig, Tlaloc (w/ a Red Lantern Ring), Dante, Dr. Doom, Dora w/ The Map, Benny, Issa, & Tico, President Barack Obama in The Wild Goose, & Ewok Baby #5.



Could this possibly be the end of the sweetest Cinderella story in the history of Fantasy Fantasy or will this be the point in which it truly does become a miracle. Seeing The Commandos in this spot is no surprise. They have been talked about since day 1 of this season. It had been said since before the Play-offs ever started, that this could be the year that The Commandos make it to The Universe Bowl. The Slaves were a great team, but it was by no means an upset when The Commandos managed to make their way past them this year. The strange part about this is not that the Commandos managed to make it past The Fizzle Divizzle for the first time ever this year, but that the 2 teams that had the best record in The NL and that many people thought were going to make it t The Universe Bowl: The Right Wing & The Annihilation Squad were both eliminated by the team that The Commandos are about to square off against. Many FFL fans are still scoffing at The Betters chances of making it to The Universe Bowl, but then again, nobody thought that after Better Than All of You barely made the play-offs after their lackluster season that they had any chance whatsoever at defeating The 10 & 1 Xavier’s Annihilation Squad, and when they did everybody thought that they would then get stomped by The Right Wing, but despite those thoughts; here they are, to continue their Cinderella story and go up against a team that before today they have never once beat. Better Than All of You are 0 & 5 against their old Division Rival The Commandos. In fact, when Better Than All of You started out their undefeated season in year 1, it was The Commandos who were responsible for their first back to back losses, when they dealt both of those losses to them in Weeks 5 & 6. To say that The Commandos have The Betters number would be quite an understatement, but they have never had to fight them with this much momentum on their side..... Oh and by the way did I mention that The Betters still do have Hal Jordan, who has had arguably the best post season in Fantasy Fantasy history. Hal Jordan has made a vow, to not only his teammates, but to the entire league, that he will get his team to The Universe Bowl, even if he has to die trying. Numnius hovers high above the jungle when she decides to use her Blue energy driven cosmic powers to destroy the symbiotic alien technology that has the ability to take over the body’s of humans. With one blast of cosmic energy Numnius simply wipes Zombie Venom, Anti-Venom, & (Symbiote Suit) Spider-Man from this plane of existence. Hal Jordan sees this happen and flies up behind Numnius. Hal was only flying in the pod briefly before he used his ring to rearrange the boosters on the pod around his body to create a flying/armor apparatus which will not only serve to protect him but to aid in his flying so he can devote more ring energy toward the attacking of his opponents. Hal Jordan is also being followed by a small sidekick made completely of Indigo energy. This small embodiment of energy is both watching Hal’s back and wielding the purple lightsaber which was gifted to The Better’s Most Valuable Player after last week’s win. Green Lantern flies up behind Numnius before she has time to react and completely vaporizes her with a concentrated blast of green energy. Numnius’ blue ring cannot resist the urge to join forces with the multi-powered Jordan and instantly flies on to his finger. President Barack Obama is racing around the city streets in The Wild Goose, with both Capt. Steven Hiller and Lazarus Long flying above him in their Migs acting as a form of Secret Service for their head coach, when Barack gives them an executive order to stop worrying about him and t use their skills somewhere where they would be more useful (No, not South Beach). “Go kick some a** guys” President Obama says to the 2 expert pilots as they race off searching for opponents. The 2 of them take their skills down to South Beach (you know, the beach. It’s South of the Play-off planet’s city). They spot Better Than All of You’s AT-ST walking toward the battle and decide to target it before it can do some real damage. Both of the Mig pilots take aim at the 2 legged Imperial walker and blast it to pieces. Yogurt manages to escape the burning wreckage with his life, but the twins Tomax and Xamot were not so lucky. Beachhead and Mr. Mind are off-roading thru the Desert in their Mail Jeep. Mr. Mind is trying to mentally work his way into the heads of The Commandos to see what damage he can do to the opposing team’s, but when he stumbles upon the brainwaves of Norma Cenva, he is shocked by the power her mind possesses. Norma sends such an amazing surge of power thru the mind of Mr. Mind that it not only kills him, but creates a biological explosion that takes out Beachhead and The Postal Jeep that they were riding in as well. Ghost Rider and Macho Man are fulfilling the dream of every kind of gay, but actually super-straight 14 year old boy’s dream as they cruise down the city streets looking like total pimps and redefining awesome. Unfortunately for them their reign of awesome ends when Hiller and Long decide to take their skills back to North City and blow them away from the air. Parallax sees himself as the perfect end to the gnarly career of Hal Jordan and flies in toward the super-hero. Parallax has been able to take over Jordan’s being in the past, but this time around, the only fear surrounding Hal Jordan is the fear that he is causing every opponent around him to have. Jordan destroys the yellow energy embodiment and then takes the yellow power and uses his other rings to create a solid ring to hold it in; giving him the power of a yellow lantern as well. Zombie Trinity uses some bloody-handed kung fu to rip off the mask of Dr. Fate and then eat his face off before she starts running towards the Cymek Dante. Dante stands prepared with his futuristic weapons drawn, but before he can do anything, Dora jumps out of a tree branch above her with both of her lightsaber’s drawn. “A little trick Boots taught me”. Dora says as an homage to her fallen friend as she uses her own lightsaber and the one that belonged to Boots to slice the head off of Zombie Trinity. Ninja Pirate #3 and Cobra Viper #2 are discussing the benefits of classical literature in modern day education when President Obama uses the very durable Wild Goose to run them into a rock embankment in the desert area. The Ninja Pirate and Viper are killed when the land speeder blows up from the crash. “Looks like you 2 could have used some Universal Health Care”. Obama says to himself with a smile. Up in space, Batman and Lonestar are both chasing after Jetfire in their respective ships. The 2 pilots hit Jetfire with several blasts but the blaster bolts are absorbed by the Indigo energy aura that Jetfire has put around himself. The former Decepticon then doubles back and uses his near invulnerability to his advantage. The full frontal attacks from the Star Wars ships prove useless as Jetfire uses his highly advanced Cybertronian weaponry to destroy both ships which kills Valley, Lonestar, Barf, & RVD-1. Fatality, Dex-Tar, & Taa put their differences aside to attack Hl Jordan. The 3 lanterns try to attack Hal from all angles; but at this point, Jordan has simply acquired to much power for them to handle. Hal Jordan wipes out all 3 of them and takes their rings for his own collection. Hal Jordan then swoops down toward the Zombie Cloverfield Monster. He not only rips off the head of the monster with a giant hand made of green energy, but he then consumes the dead energy of The Zombie and quickly forges together a Black ring to add to his collection as well. Predator #5 uses his alien boomerang to hit Dr. Doom in the jugular vein, before the dictator can react, but the Predator is then ripped apart by the red energy fueled laser cannon of Tlaloc. Rambo targets Barack Obama’s F-Zero car with the 50 caliber machine gun he has bolted on to his Rhino. The hover-ship is destroyed, but luckily for the President it was equipped with a special escape pod just like Air Force One. Obama escapes the crash with his life. Obama then decides that fighting is not the answer and sits down with Cobra Commander and Red Skull to discuss a diplomatic solution to the battle. Cobra Commander and Red Skull agree but then they turn on the President and try to kill him. Barack then reveals that he is wired with explosives just in case his plan didn’t work. “I never saw George Bush do this” Obama says as he valiantly takes out the coaching staff of Cobra Commander and Red Skull along with him. Jetfire flies thru the play-off planet’s atmosphere to return to the battle when he is met by Batman Beyond in his Mig. Jetfire and the young Batman protégé engage in a fast paced dog-fight but Jetfire comes out on top. Jetfire believes himself to be totally victorious but Batman Beyond ejects out of the plane and flies over to the Decepticon landing on top of him. Batman plants some explosives before Jetfire can react, but before the young Batman can escape Jetfire encases him in an indigo aura which traps him in the explosions wake. General Grevious leads the metal army of Devastator, Tlaloc, & Dante toward the large ocean area in a search for Aquaman and his family. Having virtually no water people on The Commandos starting line-up, Head Coach Obama thought that they should throw an awful lot of power toward this water problem, and as you can see, that is exactly what they did. Deathlok and Smoke both get caught up in the mechanical march toward the ocean and are made short work of by the foursome. Mary Marvel lands in front of the Rhino being driven by John Rambo and puts a fist thru its hood to scatter its 4 occupants from the vehicle. Nick Fury jumps to his feet, pulls out twin pistols and double taps both Tarra & Dorno in the dome, but Zandar sees this and goes into a rage. Zandar rushes at Nick Fury wanting to rip him to shreds after what he has seen the old soldier do to his wife and son but Zandar realizes the hard way that nobody handles fury better than Nick, who uses the same two pistols to finish off the third member of The Herculoid Family as well. Fury begins to reholster his weapons, but before he can complete the task he is crushed to death by Gleep who unlike Zandar is successful in exacting his revenge on the SHIELD leader. Mary Marvel grabs David Dunn and flies high into the air with him. The 2 of them trade punches as Mary Marvel continues to fly but Dunn is holding his own despite having no flight ability. Doozer #6 fiercely stabs Ewok Baby #5 in the face with a clear doozer stick and then moves on to Issa and Tico who he then furiously strangles to death. The team’s strong man Benny trips on the way to defend his friends and The Better Than All of You veteran Doozer #6 moves toward Dora. Doozer #6, whose first appearance was in Better Than All of You’s Season 1 Week 1 match was the very first character ever picked up off waivers once the season officially began. The little doozer pulls out his sharpened doozer stick and jumps toward Dora but before he can Map jumps out from behind Dora’s back and delivers a perfectly placed paper cut to his tiny jugular vein to send the little guy to the graveyard for good. Mary Marvel has done her research and knows David Dunn’s only weakness, which is why she is flying him above the water. The battered Mary Marvel reaches her destination, a couple hundred feet above the water and lets go of Dunn, but much to her surprise he does not drop. Dunn is hanging onto her with his left arm while still delivering punches with his right. Mary is impressed by the resolve of her opponent and begins trying to throw him off of her, but it is easier said than done. David Dunn reaches back with all of his might and hits Mary Marvel with enough force to break her neck. This of course creates a situation where Dunn has now killed himself as he and Mary Marvel’s lifeless body fall to the water below them, but at least he took somebody powerful with him. Optimus Prime comes rolling in in his truck form and drives right over Yogurt before the master of The Schwartz can do anything about it. Optimus then comes grill to face with Iron Spider-Man. Optimus transforms and begins to defend himself against the much smaller Spider-Man who jumps around him attacking from all sides with his suit designed by Tony Stark. Iron Spider-Man ensnares the new owner of the matrix for a moment up against a building, but Optimus manages to rip himself out of the restraining webs and then catch Spider-Man with his fist. His armor has the ability to protect Parker against quite a bit, but once he is hit by the reinforced fist of The Autobot leader Spider-Man’s suit is crushed like a tin can along with him inside it. Gloop and Gleep are not typically affected by bullets due to their morph able make-up, but once Rambo pumps about 10,000 rounds into them (without reloading of course) even the 2 jelly giants fall dead. Igoo takes a few rounds from Rambo as well, but the giant rock ape moves thru the firepower and then drives Rambo into the ground with his fist. Tundro charges at Doc Holliday but the gunfighter manages to put a perfectly placed .45 Long Colt in the mouth of The Herculoid that makes him curl over dead just like crocodile that Arnold shoots in Eraser. Doc turns to continue his B.A. stand but Dumbledore sends some magic thru the cowboy that turns him into cow pies. Gen. Grevious and his crew arrive at the beach where they find out that a few more of their teammates received orders similar to theirs. Norma Cenva and Karu-Sil, with her yellow energy dogs have rendezvoused their as well. Spider-Man and Harry Potter square off against Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow in the jungle, while Batman and Robin battle with the 2 remaining Herculoids. Optimus Prime blasts his way thru The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man on his way to square off against Skeletor. Gandalf the White sees that if the Betters are going to advance to The Universe Bowl than it will definitely be do to the feats of Hal Jordan. With this idea growing in his head Gandalf decides that he is going to give his White powers to the one true green lantern in hopes to create not just The White Lantern but a being able to possess all powers of the light spectrum as well as many many more. Gandalf looks like he is attacking his own teammate as he blasts Hal Jordan with every bit of his power and life force to allow his powers to be wielded thru their team’s ultimate fighting tool. Gandalf dies during this process but Hal Jordan’s power’s grow to an incalculable rate. Hal Jordan blasts thru the Migs of both Steven Hiller and Lazarus Long when he decides to do a scan of the area. Hal Jordan has all powers of the spectrum except one. Without Lar Fleeze being present he cannot gain control of the powers of the orange spectrum. “If only their was an orange lantern present” Hal says to his lightsaber wielding Indigo energy sidekick. “But there is, even if he doesn’t know it” the nameless aura replies. The rings then speak to Jordan and reveal that there is one present on his own team who in alternate realities has wielded such a power. Hal Jordan then flies over to his own teammate Lex Luthor and thru powers created by the Guardians causes the orange ring to duplicate even though it is not actually present. The ring instantly goes to Lex Luthor but Hal Jordan rips the ring from the body of Luthor unintentionally killing his own teammate but in the process giving himself the powers of the entire spectrum along with so many more. As General Grevious is barking orders at his teammates Aquaman decides to be proactive about the imminent attack. He and his 2 sidekicks leap out of the water along with some enormous sea creatures which act as a diversion as they land on top of their enemies. Aquaman can see that they are severely outnumbered, but at least he is in as close a proximity as possible to the sea. “Alright Atlanteans. If we are going t go down, then lets take as many of these guys out as possible before we do”! Aquaman says to Aqualad and Aquababy. Norma Cenva mind blocks Aquababy but is then killed by a wicked kick to the head from Aqualad. Aquaman uses the beaching of a whale to knock the massive Devastator off his balance and then rides a wave on top of the enormous Decepticon gestalt. Aqualad rushes over to help his boss, kicking over General Grevious in the process, but before Aqualad can even lend a hand, Aquaman has already delivered the proper hits to the neck and back of Devastator to single-handedly take out all 7 parts of his mammoth opponent. Aquaman and Aqualad finally rejoin forces and leap on top of Dante. The 2 Atlantean Champions use their combined strength and fighting prowess to evade the Cymek’s defenses and rip open his brain canister (using telepathy to locate it). They destroy Dante, but Tlaloc uses his artillery to finally end Aquaman’s reign of terror, and Gen. Grevious gets back at the young Aqualad by delivering a pair of lightsabers into his back. Batman jumps onto the back of Zok and yanks on his throat to direct him into a head on collision with his own teammate Igoo. Grayson manages to execute this move perfectly and jump off in the nick of time before the 2 Herculoids crash into each other. This proves fatal for both of them. Damien Wayne hits Benny in the dome with a birdarang and then moves toward Dora. The Map jumps in front of his beloved Dora once more, but this time Robin throws a flammable pellet at the Map which ends his direction giving days for good. Skeletor uses his dark magic to attack Optimus Prime, but Prime is able to fight thru the blasts and deliver a blast of his own from his new laser cannon to kill Skeletor. Spider-Man and Harry Potter have become buds in their 3 years together in the locker room which really helps their ability to work together as a pair. Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes are probably an even better team once they decide to put their skills together, but their power abilities just don’t add up to their opponents. Spider-Man is more than happy to do all the talking against the ever-silent Snake Eyes. His witty banter does not slow down for an instant as he dodges the katana attacks from Snake Eyes and then delivers a punch with the strength of ten tons behind it to the back of Snake Eyes’ head. Harry Potter has trouble aiming a spell at the ridiculously quick Storm Shadow, but once he finally hit him it makes short work of the white robed ninja. Dora calls what is left of her troops together to regroup in the city. Only Green Lantrn, Batman, & Robin remain for The Betters but Dora, Gen. Grevious, Karu-Sil, Optimus Prime, Spider-Man, Dumbledore, Harry Potter, & Tlaloc know that they should not take their opponents lightly especially Hal Jordan with all of the power he has acquired both before today and thru the course of this match. As their meeting begins they are immediately attacked by Batman and Robin. The 2 of them go in strong and move so quickly that no one on The Commandos can get a hold on them. They move against Optimus Prime by running up the side of him. The 2 of them hit the Autobot leader with every possible tool and weapon in their utility belt, perfectly aiming every toss and melee hit into a vulnerable area until the young Optimus falls from the brutal fast-paced attack. The caped crusaders fall to the ground along with Optimus and find themselves in a precarious position considering that they have used just about every tool they brought with them to take down Prime. The Commandos take advantage of this situation as Karu-Sil sicks her 2 energy dogs on Robin and Harry Potter and Dumbledore combine forces to take out Batman. The Commandos are not even gifted with one second of rest or preparation before Hal Jordan comes racing onto the scene. He instantly wipes out Karu-Sil, not even bothering to take her power ring like he had done to previous victims of the day..... He doesn’t need it. He then plows thru Tlaloc and his red energy aura as if he were made of styrofoam and protected by Jell-o. The Commandos attempt to get away and regroup in a clearing in the jungle. Dora and Grevious stand behind Harry Potter and Dumbledore who attempt to conjure up enough magic to at least slow down the power of Hal Jordan. The 2 wizards concentrate as hard as they ever have to put up an enormous wall of magic. Hal Jordan in an instant flies into space and then flies right back into the atmosphere to gain enough momentum for his final attack. Hal Jordan has every intention of keeping his promise and taking his team to The Universe Bowl as he unleashes a fury of power at the remaining Commandos. The nearby tress are mowed over like dominoes as Jordan races toward the magical force field. Green Lantern then unleashes every bit of his power and it starts immediately deteriorating the magical field. As Jordan gets closer Dumbledore keels over from exhaustion, dying from the intense stress but Harry manages to keep the magical field going just a little bit longer. As Hal Jordan is about to break thru Spider-Man allows The best Better Than All of Youer of all time to pass him by as the web-slinger leaps out of the tree he was hiding in to place a perfectly shot web around the neck of the exposed rear of Hal Jordan. This strangles the all-powerful lantern to death just before he breaks thru the magical force field being held up by the exhausted Potter. Dora hugs the leg of the frightened Grevious while Spider-Man lands next to his buddy Harry Potter. A delusional Harry looks at Spider-Man and says “What happened Pete”? “The Universe Bowl just happened buddy, and so did this fist bump”. The fist bump happens and.......
POP-SUPERSTAR HANNAH MONTANA & PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA’S “BEST OF BOTH WORLDS TOURING BATTALION OF COMMANDOS ARE VICTORIOUS AND ARE NATIONAL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS!