Le'Napoleon Brigade vs. The Right Wing

“Nice genes. You got the chromosomes in all the right places.”
-Osmosis Jones


I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Pre-Season Match located in the Danger Room. They are as follows:

Le’Napoleon Brigade: Hynn, Steve Wiebe, Andrew Laidlaw and Phil Day.

The Right Wing: (Black Lantern) She-Hulk and Osmosis Jones.

Steve Wiebe, Andrew Laidlaw and Phil Day are huddled together in the middle of the Danger Room. The three gaming champions strategize on how to conquer their current plight. The three figure that since they have demolished the evils faced in a video game, they will be more than a match for any form of danger confronted in reality.

Wiebe: Nothing to be afraid of guys! It’s just like jumping over the barrels to get to the monkey!

The three break away from one another and focus on the task at hand.

A panel in the floor opens and flaming, wooden barrels burst forth. Wiebe sees the barrels rolling toward him and smiles. Like his avatar Mario, Wiebe begins to jump over the oncoming hurdles. The last barrel rolls past his feet. Wiebe lands with the utmost grace.

Wiebe: I AM THE KING OF KONG!

As Wiebe screams his moniker, Osmosis Jones jumps into the gamer’s mouth. Although a leukocyte, Jones has turned to “evil” ways because of BL She-Hulk’s presence. Jones quickly travels down Wiebe’s gullet and into his nether regions.

Jones: You may be the King of Kong, but now I’m the King of your Dong!

Jones uses his lymphatic abilities and causes Wiebe to urinate himself. Wiebe’s pants blotch and a stream of urine dribbles down his leg into a pool beneath his feet. Wiebe begins to pout, but his embarrassment is short lived as a black energy construct (in the form of a large mallet) crushes him.

BL She Hulk: How ironic!

BL She-Hulk then uses her ring’s powers to pick up Andrew Laidlaw and throw him across the room. Laidlaw crashes into the ceiling and falls to the top of a pillar which juts from the room’s ground. The pillar begins to rise toward the ceiling. Laidlaw is sure to be crushed. As he is about to be smashed, he looks at his Galaga brother-in-arms, Phil Day. Day knows what he must do. Day climbs up the mini towers leading to the top pillar and jumps to Laidlaw. Laidlaw finally shrugs off the brunt of the previous BL blow and looks at Day. They smile and wrap themselves in each other’s arms. Their hold looks oddly familiar.

Day: Just like the double-ship move in Galaga.

The two jump from tower to tower down from their initial location and land safely on the ground. As they smile longingly at one another, a black energy tendril rushes at them. It is blocked by a blue-energy construct projected by Hynn.

Hynn: Let me handle this!
In fearful day, in raging night,
With strong hearts full, our souls ignite,
When all seems lost in the War of Light,
Look to the stars—

BL She-Hulk does not allow Hynn to finish his mantra-“For hope burns bright!” The power of the black lantern ring, as well as the strength of She-Hulk is too much for Hynn. Hynn is ripped apart.

On the ground, Osmosis Jones, who has been relieved from Wiebe’s body, enters into Day.

Day hears a cackling echo in his brain. It is Jones.

Jones: -m skt n. . . m skt mn. . . I’m skt man. . . I’M THE SKAT MAN!

Jones rips through Day’s digestive system and Day begins to soil himself. Day’s diarrhea refuses to stop. Day becomes instantly weakened as his body becomes dehydrated from the loss of so much fluid in so short a time. Laidlaw attempts to assist his teammate, but his face contorts at the nauseating smell. Laidlaw then begins to vomit.

Jones is dispelled from Day and looks at the sight of Day soiling himself and Laidlaw vomiting over himself.

Jones: This is just. . . so wrong. . . but it feels. . . so right! Take it away BL!

BL swoops in. The two weakened Brigade members look up to see a smile creep upon BL She-Hulk’s face.

BL She-Hulk: Goodbye gentlemen.

BL She-Hulk rips out the hearts of both Day and Laidlaw, who die in their own vomit and feces, but alas, in each other’s arms.

Le’Napoleon Brigade: All dead.

The Right Wing- (Black Lantern) She-Hulk and Osmosis Jones live.

THE RIGHT WING IS VICTORIOUS!!!