Season 9, Week 3 Match: George Washington's Slaves vs. Real Man's Rabblerousers

“Darth Shemalyah tested her apprentices, Nik Landsoh and Brek Nyram, by exposing them to the extremes of the galaxy’s harshest environments.  Whether it was the frigid temperatures of Mygeeto or the suffocating heat of Sullust, her acolytes needed to perform to her extreme standards.

                                    Sith Holocron –unearthed in Sector 2356.

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 9, Week 3 Match located on Hoth.  They are as follows:

George Washington’s Slaves: Darth Shemalyah, Nik Landsoh, Brek Nyram, Ymir, Loki, Wally “WallyKazam” Trollman with Norville the Dragon, Vapor Man, Meteor Man, Gravity Girl, Zorak, Thunderstick, BuzzSaw, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson and Marge Simpson, Jedi Masters #4-7, #10-19, #1C-23C and Starship Troopers #7-18.

Real Man’s Rabblerousers: Runabout and Runamuck, Movie Dreads: Crankcase, Crowbar and Hatchet, Trailbreaker, Junkeons #13-14, Movie Wreckers: Leadfoot, Roadbuster and Topspin, Movie Skids, Movie Mudflap, Vehicle Voltron – Air Team: Commander Jeff, Rocky, Wolo, Chip and Ginger, The Losers: Aisha, Clay, Jenson, Pooch, Roque and Cougar, Darth Desolous and Darth Zannah, Transformers Mech Units: Duke, Snake Eyes, Scarlett and Roadblock, Ghosts #2-7, Hammer Bros. #17, 19, 20, 21 and 22, Dark Side Adepts #7-12, Jedi Masters #29, 9, 34, 35 and 50A and Rebel Trooper #1.

Let the battle begin. . .

The Slaves’ locker room door slowly climbs and the frigid temperature rips through the bodies of the warriors.  Darth Shemalyah stands before the entire squad, her two apprentices directly behind her. 

Darth Shemalyah:  Flawless.

Brek Nyram and Nik Landsoh (bow and respond in unison):  As you wish, our Master.

It is only a short period of time before the frozen and desolate wasteland of Hoth is littered with combatants from the Star Wars universe.  Upon a closer look at the scene, it is clear that these figures are known to the league as “commons.”  The Slaves’ Jedi Masters #4-7, 10-19 and 1C-23C take the field.  Meanwhile, the Rabblerousers’ ordinaries consist of Dark Side Adepts #7-12 and Jedi Masters #29, 9, 34, 35 and 50A. 

Darth Desolous and Darth Zannah ignite their lightsabers and the duo fight with the entire Jedi Master crew of the Slaves.  A fury of multi-colored blades crash and spark as the common fighters battle the two Sith.  Meanwhile, Landsoh and Nyram have joined the skirmish and focus on the Rabblerousers’ Dark Side Adepts #7-12 and Jedi Masters #29, 9, 34, 35 and 50A.  At the end of the struggle, only Darth Desolous, Darth Zannah, Nik Landsoh and Brek Nyram remain; four red blades waiting to be utilized, once again.  Landsoh and Nyram look back to see their master, her face a stoic mask.  Darth Shemalyah nods and the two acolytes rush toward Desolous and Zannah.  Nyram exchanges blows with Desolous, while Landsoh scuffles with Zannah.  In the end, Nyram and Landsoh are left standing, both without a scratch.  Darth Shemalyah smiles.

Across the tundra, the G.I. Joe Transformer Mech Units controlled by Duke, Snake Eyes, Scarlett and Roadblock clash with Starship Troopers #7-18.  The Troopers may be viable candidates to fight bugs, but they are no match for the fortified armor and advanced weaponry of the Mech Units.  All of the Slaves’ troopers are slaughtered in a matter of moments. 

Hammer Brothers #17, 19, 20, 21 and 22 focus their projectiles on the Simpsons.  Bart Simpson uses his skateboard (modified to a snowboard) to bat back the hammers thrown by #17 and 20, which, in turn, strike and kill #21.  Marge Simpson’s hair is shredded as #19 and 22 strike their mark.  She is then killed when her maternal instincts kick in and she ineffectually attempts to protect Lisa.  Both are killed by hammers crushing their yellow heads. Bart becomes enraged at his family’s deaths and characteristically snowboards between the Hammer Brothers as he does between the Springfield inhabitants on a weekly basis.  Bart kills #17 and 22 with his slingshot projectiles and Zorak races to the scene, killing the remaining Brothers; all Hammers are dead.  Zorak grabs onto Bart and the two snowboard across the snow to the next battle.

The Rabblerousers’ ghostly apparitions fly toward Darth Shemalyah, who remains behind the lines of the major battles.  Ghosts #2-7 whip around Shemalyah in a frenetic and agitated state.  Ghost #3 strikes Darth Shemalyah to the ground.  Shemalyah’s red eyes blaze at being struck by a common entity.  The Sith slowly rises.  Shemalyah closes her eyes and her mouth opens.  A torrential, wind-enhanced tornado sucks the Ghosts into her body.  Darth Shemalyah falls to the ground, once again, as a storm rages within her body.  A ghastly scream is heard from the lips of the woman and the Sith stands.  She opens her mouth and lets out an immense belch.  Ghosts #2-7 are no longer in existence. 

Bart Simpson and Zorak snowboard down the frozen hills of Hoth.  Shots ring out.  The head’s of Simpson and Zorak explode and a spray of both blood and brain matter float across the snowy ground below.  The two fall dead to the ground, the snowboard coming to a halt at the end of the hill which the two traversed upon.  The Losers, almost fifty yards from the site, look at one another – mission accomplished.    Aisha, Clay, Jenson, Pooch, Roque and Cougar slowly walk to their next fight.  The team is soon met by the Galaxy Trio of Vapor Man, Meteor Man and Gravity Girl.  The Losers spray bullets at the trio, to no avail.  Vapor Man transforms into his gaseous state; Meteor Man decreases his size and Gravity Girl bends the laws of gravity so that the bullets consistently miss their targets.  The trio then reacts as Meteor Man increases the size of his right arm and hand, striking and instantly killing Aisha and Roque.  Gravity Girl focuses her powers on Clay and Pooch, lifting their bodies hundreds of feet off the ground and dropping them to their deaths.  Vapor Man uses the cold environment to his advantage and produces a freeze vapor from his hands, killing Cougar and Jenson. 

Movie Skids and Mudflap are bickering amongst one another in a stereotypical way – as twin brothers often do.  They notice Wally “WallyKazam” Trollman with Norville the Dragon skirting along the snow.  The Transformers dispatch with the children’s characters in only a matter of seconds and high five each other, celebrating their ludicrous victory over the duo. 

An enraged Ymir enters the battlefield.  The Frost Giant progenitor immediately begins to dismantle Junkeons #13 and 14.  Ymir then focuses on the Transformer Mech Units.  Although Snake Eyes and Duke’s units are able to wound the behemoth, Ymir dispels with both Roadblock and Scarlett’s machinery as well as the controllers themselves.  Ymir falls to his knees at the repeated onslaught of Snake Eyes and Duke.  The G.I. Joes are about to deal their death blows when the duo suddenly succumbs to massive confusion at the state of current events.  The two fighters fire upon each other, destroying their own teammates.  The entire G.I. Joe carnage litters the ground and as Ymir rises to see what has actually transpired, he hears the laughter of the Trickster God.  Loki materializes out of thin air and nods to Ymir.

Thunderstick stands with Buzz Saw against a formidable Transformer force.  Although the two fight valiantly, they are simply no match for the Transformer Dreads: Crankcase, Crowbar and Hatchet, along with the assistance of Trailbreaker. 

The Galaxy Trio come together and utilizes their powers to their full extent, managing to defeat and destroy Runabout and Runamuck.  The three then face the Transformer Movie Wreckers: Leadfoot, Roadbuster and Topspin, as well as Vehicle Voltron.  Although the Trio manages to somewhat dismantle Vehicle Voltron by destroying the parts run by Wolo and Ginger, they all eventually perish in the melee. 

Moments pass as Darth Shemalyah, Nik Landsoh, Brek Nyram, Ymir and Loki stand side-by-side, anticipating the final battle about to commence.  The Slaves face the remaining Rabblerousers, being the Movie Dreads, Movie Wreckers, Movie Skids, Movie Mudflap, a partially effective Vehicle Voltron and Rebel Trooper #1, who stands behind his mechanical teammates.  In an epic battle, Ymir uses his strength and weaponry to destroy Mudflap and Skids, who attempt to spew a few snarky comments before being destroyed.  Ymir soon becomes winded at the effort expended and falls to the combined forces of the immense Movie Dreads and Wreckers. 

Loki, once again, uses his skills to mess with the minds of remaining Vehicle Voltron members.  Instead of becoming the entity necessary to finish off the Slaves, they, instead remain entirely separated and take each other out systematically, with the assistance of the lightsaber wielding efforts of Nyram and Landsoh. 

Trailbreaker fronts the Transformer Dreads and Wreckers.  Darth Shemalyah steps to the front of her team and disrobes her cloak.  Her hands begin to manipulate the air around her.  

Darth Shemalyah:  Magneto. . .

The Sith’s hands twist and the immense Transformers creak, crumple, bend and ultimately are crushed into a single balled construct of metal.  Shemalyah then opens her hands and what is left of the Transformers rip apart and explode across the land, missing the Slaves’ team in its remaining entirety.   

Shemalyah: . . .has nothing on me.

Rebel Trooper #1 is brought to Darth Shemalyah by Nyram and Landsoh.  Rebel Trooper #1 is thrown to the ground. 

Darth Shemalyah:  You shall tell all who listen that this league is now Darth Shemalyah’s.  All who oppose shall fall.  It is the time of the Slaves.  

Rebel Trooper #1 looks in shock that he is being allowed to live.

Landsoh:  But this is a death match!

Nyram stands before the trooper and slices his head off with his lightsaber.

Nyram:  You have to follow the rules!  You are not above them!

Shemalyah:  No rules apply to me.  I am above all!

Shemalyah ignites her saber and cuts into both Nyram and Landsoh, dealing them both critical wounds.  As the apprentices’ lives drip from their bodies, they hear the gutteral voice of their master.

Shemalyah:  Flawless you were, but never. . .  question. . .  me.  Never.

Darth Shemalyah turns her back and meets Loki.

Darth Shemalyah:  I will bed you.

Loki smiles as the two walk off to the locker room.