Week 1: Vertically Challenged Humans vs. Better Than All of You

The Gender Neutral Group of Misunderstood Vertically Challenged Humans are: White Lantern Batman, The Huntress w/ a purple lightsaber, and Alf w/ R2-A1 in a Z-95 Headhunter Better Than All of You are: Cobra Commander and three White Walkers. On the South Side of the North Pole, Cobra Commander waited inside an ice fort mounted with a huge ice catapult. Outside, three White Walkers patrolled the frozen terrain for signs of the enemy. “Sssoon, my White Walkers shall use their ice ssspells to harvessst every last drop of Christmas ssspirit from thisss place! A gloriousss new North Pole will be claimed for Better Than All of You, under the rule of me, Cobra Commander!” Starting from far away, a muffled roar was heard growing, churning the crisp silence of the snowy land. A Z-95 Headhunter, piloted by Alf, tore through the distant sky as it barrelled toward the fortress. “Shumway to Boss Bat: We have contact! Looks like a bunch of mummy eskimos and an igloo, who are these guys again? Over.” Batman crackled on to Alf’s radio system. “Sounds like White Walkers. Don’t underestimate them, they only look like zombies. Arriving at your location shortly. Over.” As Alf finished a swift pass high above Cobra’s fort, Cobra Commander emerged beside the tremendous catapult. “Walkerssss! Charge the icccce ball!” The White Walkers surrounded the fort and began channeling frost magic to the siege weapon, a dense cannonball of ice forming in its cup. “We must ssstop that sssstarfigh-” as he drew out his sentence, Alf fired a shot straight to his head, blowing it clean off. “Man oh man, I couldn’t take another SECOND of that annoying lisp! See a dentist, pal.” As Batman and Huntress arrived, the catapult launched its payload into Alf’s Headhunter and sent it crashing to the ground, steam rising from the red hot metal in the snow. The Walkers turned to face Batman and Huntress, and in that moment began to raise an army of the poor disposable Elves Santa buries in paupers graves in scores each week. The Walkers let out a battle cry and their army charged forward. “Huntress, you focus on distracting the undead. I’ll handle the leaders.” The Elves were coming by the hundreds, as Batman cut his way through the horde toward the White Walkers. They, too, were coming up to meet him where he approached. Huntress was fighting off dozens of Elves at a time, seemingly replenishing themselves as fast as she could cut them down. She held her own, until a set of gnashing teeth and razor sharp claws began to tear into the back of her knees. She fell to the ground, her final sight being the mangled snout of the recently deceased Alf dangling in her dimming vision. Batman reached the Walkers, all the undead Elves closing in on them. They struck out at him, weapons clashing against his white armor, frost forming on him as they touched. “Sorry guys, but it’ll take more than a little death to stop a White Lantern. And even more to stop Batman.” He grabbed two of the White Walkers with one hand each, flooding them with white light until it radiated from their eyes, and smashed them into the head of the third Walker.