Reboot Week 1: Darkseid's Horsemen of Apokolips vs. Washington Redskins

 The Horsemen are: Wendy Thomas, Red Hood, Arsenal, Starfire, Samwise Gamgee, Bill the Pony, and Stan Lee.

Mandalore the Great with The Dark Saber, Skeletor, Teddy Roosevelt in a hammer bros suit, and Black Lantern #2

It was Monday evening and Wendy's was the pulse of nightlife. The Washington Redskins burst in led by Mandalore, looking cocky and confident. Mandalore looked around for the enemy, only to see their silhouettes beyond the frosted glass of the dedicated breakfast conference room. But how? Only the highest of executive can even dream of a reservation! The Redskins battered down the door, prepared to defend the sanctity of this meeting place at all costs. A sweet, cold voice bounced off the glass walls: "Please, have a seat anywhere."

Wendy, holding a tray of fresh fries, stepped out from behind the counter and stepped purposefully to the conference room. "You don't belong here," she said calmly. "This is Wendy's territory." Mandalore scoffed. "Your territory? This is just a fast-food joint." Wendy narrowed her eyes. "It's more than that. It's a symbol of everything we stand for. Quality, freshness, and most importantly, respect. And you, Mandalore, have shown none of that by barging in here uninvited, on this, the day Red Hood and Arsenal's wedding..." Skeletor cracked his bony knuckles, while Teddy Roosevelt adjusted the ever-riding crotch of his hammer bros suit. "We're not leaving until we take down the Horsemen. Commissioner's orders," Mandalore declared. Wendy sighed. "I was hoping it wouldn't come to this." She put down the tray of fries and cracked her knuckles. "Let's get frosty."

Wendy led the charge, leaping over tables and chairs, firing off volleys of ketchup and mustard into the eyes of the Redskins. Red Hood and Arsenal dove behind a stack of buns in the corner, firing off rounds from their automatic weapons, taking out the former US president in the formerly fashionable manner. Bill the Pony, with Samwise Gamgee atop his back, galloped across the tiled floor, only to crash quickly into Black Lantern 2 and send all three hurtling through a window. Stan Lee grabbed a plastic knife from the table and held it aloft, crying "EXCELSIOR" before Skeletor grabbed one as well, stabbing him through he eye.

Mandalore would not be bested by condiments, and Skeletor lacked the eyes to do so. They came crashing into the pile of stale buns (fresh by Wendy's standards, as they had not been frozen since being baked 14 months ago) with sword and saber in hand, cutting down Arsenal and Red Hood. From a harness on her back, Wendy produced a french fry blade. Forged in the hottest of oil, it held strong, but her foes were prepared to overwhelm her. She called to the kitchen, far in the depths behind the front counter. "ORDER UP, STAR!" Starfire came bursting from the back of house, utterly disintegrating the remaining Redskins. Wendy wiped blood and ash from her brow, and she turned to Starfire with the winning, hollow smile of a shark. "Well, let's grab a mop. That minimum wage isn't gonna earn itself!"