FFL 2025, Week 2: TEAM vs. The Washington Redskins

TEAM are: Vah Ruta, Vah Medoh, Vah Rudania, Vah Naboris, Josh Houslander: Swordmaster of Ginaz, Laya Houslander with a Nodachi, Scarlett Houslander, Grayson Houslander, Yakub, Yunobo, Mel Gibson, Set, Dave Parks: Tree Wizard, Tenzen, Ron Burgundy, Champ, Brick, Brian, Veronica, and Baxter.

The Washington Redskins are: Professor Xavier w/ White Lantern Ring, Sinestro, Cade Skywalker, Bat-Mite w/Dwarf Ring #6, Indigo one, Munk, Air Zonk, and Black Dragon #8.

Tremendous, awe-inspiring, perhaps a bit underpriced: The Divine Beasts of Calamitous Hyrule tower about the Rito Village, high on the plateau. Rudania clings to a cliff on the outskirts of the village while Ruta and Naboris flank the huts on either side. Medoh traces lazy rings in the air above. When Professor X and Sinestro arrive, it isn’t the Beasts that draw their attention, but a powerful psychic energy source lurking in the forest below the waiting Rudania. Unnoticed by the constructs, the Professor glides down to the source in a wheelchair of pure White light.

Down on the planks of the village proper, Josh Houslander guards his family against the coming attack. At his side is a rapier; in his hand, a Sardaukaur long blade. Likewise, he has equipped Laya with a Nodachi. A difficult sword to master, but he has trained her well. With them, the Channel Four News Team shuffle awkwardly, not sure what to do with their hands or feet or other appendages. Little do they know, in another hut nearby, Indigo One and Munk are preparing their attack on Vah Medoh with Air Zonk and Bat Mite, equally unaware of the Houslander Clan’s existence.

Professor Xavier reaches the trees and finds a disheveled man wearing a tunic of leaves and bark, hiding among the leaves. He chucks a handful of acorns viciously, which Sinestro brushes aside with the swipe of a yellow claw. As the acorns hit the ground below, they explode and toss handfuls of dirt a foot or two in the air. “Well that’s curious. Were those ordinary acorns?”, asks Charles. Rather than await an answer, he uses his mind to probe that of the Tree Wizard before him, while his White ring probes his very soul. “Remarkably enough, it turns out you are indeed a mutant.” The Wizard scratches his beard and thinks for a split moment. “So you’re saying I was born like this?” 

“No, it appears to be a mutation from all the smoking. You have terminally badass supercancer. And Tree Aids.”

“I drink the blood of the redwood, for mana and nourishment.”

“You’re actually kind of an inbred mess, too, typical Celtic ancestry.”

From behind the tree, a figure with an enormous melanized cranium emerges, his arms wide in prideful invitation. “Yes, witness my greatest creation! The purest white man, product of the barbaric Saxons and the regressive stock of the British Isles!” Again, wasting no time, the Professor probes Yakub’s mind, but the powerful genius of the first race traitor to the Kings of Old Africa overwhelmed him and he fell from his light-chair to the dusty ground, blood gushing from his nose as he lay motionless. Sinestro, in rebuttal, conjures Yakub’s greatest fear - his fellow (yellow) black men. In moments, they have dragged him off to face justice for his crimes. “No, my liege!” screams the Tree Wizard, falling off his branch. Sinestro grabs him and finishes the job, but all the while, Rudania has turned its gaze upon him, and fires its Divine Beast laser to obliterate Sinestro just as Yunobo begins barreling down from his side to the village below.

Back in the town, Josh pokes his head out to see the Goron’s dust trail tearing toward the town. No sooner than he does, he turns his head to see the Indigo Lanterns fly toward the great mechanical bird with Bat-Mite and the Megaman clone. Bat-Mite and Air Zonk disappear within, and in moments Medoh is nosediving to the ground. Bat-Mite reappears without Zonk in the blink of an eye, in an aviator costume, and grabs Indigo One by the collar. “He didn’t make it, you hear me? Oh, he gave it all he had and now there’s nothing left!” He slides to the “floor” at the level of the hovering Lantern’s feet and rolls around sobbing. “He took every last bogey with him, the mad madman. Yakub bless his soul!” At this moment, Yunobo arrives at the village and unrolls, waving his beefy arms frantically at Josh. Not recognizing the warning in time, Josh is shot through the chest from behind by Cade Skywalker who has snuck into the village amidst the chaos and collapses. The Goron charges at him and manages to take him down, but not before he throws a grenade into the hut with the waiting News Team and Houslanders. Laya, who was running out to her wounded father, is tossed out the door by the blast. She scrambles to her feet and to her father’s side. With his dying breath, he bequeaths her his Sardaukar blade. She takes it up to fight alongside Yunobo. Elsewhere, alongside the burning treeline, the hand bearing the White Lantern ring twitches…

As Bat-Mite and the Indigo Tribe members finish giving Rudania the same treatment they did Medoh, the remaining two Divine Beasts set their lasers upon the trio. The Lanterns are destroyed in an instant, while Bat-Mite begins to writhe in melodramatic pain, falling slowly through the air, striking poses of contorted anguish. “Aaah, EEEEE, oh the weakness I’m feeling from the weakness rays!” Laya runs over and drives the blade through him just as he lands on the ground. “Aiiieeee, you got me good, I’m done for!” He smirks; “Whoops, dragon”. As his eyes turn to crosses and a lily springs from the hands clasped at his chest, a black dragon appears in the air above them, laying waste to Vah Naboris with a foul spray of pure entropy. As Vah Ruta moves to brace and retaliate, Xavier reappears in a flash of white light at the edge of the battlefield. Then, a voice boomed from another wooded patch not so far away - “STOP THIS AT ONCE!” Yakub staggers out, beaten but alive, supported on the shoulders of Tenzin and Mel Gibson. “Thank you, my minions. Xavier! You are defeated, you cannot fathom that which is within my mind!” Xavier holds his ring aloft. “Then I won’t leave it intact,” He creates a bubble that expands from the center of Yakub’s head, blasting it apart and taking his two friends' faces off in the process. From his skull emerges the unleashed elder serpent Set, filling the village in an instant, crushing Xavier underfoot as it grabs the black dragon from the sky.