The Untouchables Vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

The Untouchables are Megatron, Deadpool, Broadside, Horatio Caine, Aphrodite, Merlin, Dr. Light, Ursula, She-Ra, Swift Wind, Madam Razz, Broom, Navy Seal Chief Petty Officer #11 & 12, Navy Seal #33-37, Captain Cold, Onslaught, Sinestro (w/ green ring), Tomar Tu, Beast Man, Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, & Karate Kid.

Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve are Fin Fang Foom, Black Bolt, Karnak, Crystal, Triton, Jade, Green Lantern #1-2 & 4-5, Beast Boy, Navy Seal Chief Petty Officer #14, Navy Seal #45-50, The Wonder Twins, The Predicons, Galactus & Nova, The Matrix Twins, Jack Bauer & Curtis Manning in a Swift Boat.


The entire Untouchables team begins the match on top of Broadside in his aircraft carrier mode. Deadpool screams at the top of his lungs to rally his troops: “Alright everybody, listen up! This one is for Bea Arthur! We can give nothing but our best to honor the life and career of not only the greatest actress to ever grace television or the silver screen, but also the most beautiful woman in human history. Yes that includes mutants as well. No offense to Syrin, whatever team she is on. So anyway, give em hell Untouchables” (Deadpool pulls out his ninja sword) “I declare this sword in the servitude of Queen Arthur”! Horatio Caine then puts on the sunglasses of justice and says: “I think… This girl just gave us a golden opportunity” (WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN). Deadpool responds with: “Am I crazy or is The Who playing in the background”. “How about yes and yes” replies She-Ra. As The Untouchables rally around their new found victory incentive, they take a defensive posture, knowing that the Kennelz will be hard pressed to take out the now heavily fortified Broadside. Fin Fang Foom & The Predicons pop out of the water as the first wave of the Kennelz offensive. Jade, the green lanterns, Galactus, & Nova hang back in the air about 100 meters above the water to see how this initial strike works while Jack Bauer has taken point in controlling the offensive from the swift boat below them that is being driven by his partner Curtis Manning. The Predicons merge to form Prediking but they are immediately pulled back apart by Onslaught, the only difference is that they do not separate back into 5 pieces but more like 105 pieces as Onslaught uses his magnetic powers to rip the gestalt apart. Deadpool turns to Megatron and says: “Don’t worry bud, I’m sure he couldn’t do that to you. And if he did, I’d light him up Caine style: Right Horatio”. Horatio Caine quickly pulls his sunglasses back off, just so he can put them back on and say: “What can I say about magnetic powers Wade. They sure are attractive” (WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN). Galactus sees this massive display of power and decides that something must be done. His herald, Nova turns to her master and says: “Shall I destroy him Galactus”? “No, I think I shall” Galactus replies as he begins to fly over to meet Onslaught. Onslaught knows why Galactus is approaching before he is even within sight distance so he flies up to meet him. The 2 powerhouses engage in a battle that’s shock waves alone would be powerful enough to kill most super-powered beings. Onslaught breaks into the mind of Galactus and begins disrupting his omnipotent thought process in a way that no being Galactus has ever encountered has been able to do. Onslaught then simultaneously uses his magnetic powers to begin attacking the armor of the great devourer of worlds. Galactus gives out an immense squeal of pain, but he then goes off. Growing in size the last cosmic entity from the previous universe proves that there is only room for one unstoppable bad guy in the Marvel Universe as he focuses his cosmic energy not toward his opponent but instead sucks Onslaught in closer. Galactus then uses his powers to consume the mixed creation known as Onslaught. As Galactus finishes this exhausting battle he finds that the power he has consumed has left him as satisfied as if he had just consumed an entire planet. Dr. Light, Sinestro, Tomar Tu, Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, & Phantom Girl take flight from the deck of Broadside while Jade, The Green Lanterns, Black Bolt, & Nova take to the air as well. Sinestro begins battling with all 4 Green Lanterns while Tomar Tu takes on Jade. Black Bolt uses his super human powers to blast right thru Lightning Lad on his way to battle with Cosmic Boy, while Nova flies circles around a frustrated Dr. Light. Phantom Girl flies back toward the water to do battle with The Twins. The Twins and Phantom Girl try to hit each other but it is difficult as they are all intangible. Back and forth they swing at each other…………. God, what an annoying fight this is to write. A trio of people who can’t be touched trying to touch each other. I guess I’ll come back to this later. Sinestro is far superior to the 4 green lanterns he is battling with. Green Lantern #2, a 6’ 9’’ tall minotaur looking creature named Kalbo from a distant planet was actually trained by Sinestro and knows first hand how formidable a green lantern he is. Sinestro blows Green Lantern #4 away with ease and then flies around the other 3 as if he is toying with them. Tomar Tu and jade have trouble hitting each other with any attacks as they both zip thru the air. Tomar Tu misses jade with a green energy blast in the shape of a meteorite, but jade counters with a magical blast of green energy that takes out Tomar Tu for good. Sinestro is still having little difficulty keeping the 3 green lanterns at bay, but the scales become significantly tipped once Jade comes I to lend a hand. The 4 of them band together to attack Sinestro knowing that they may not be able to defeat him one on one but that there strength is in numbers. Sinestro manages to take out G.L #5 as well, but in the end the other lanterns are able to restrain and eventually kill the green lantern champion. Dr. Light finds out the hard way that his powers are simply not strong enough to damage Nova as she flies toward him breaking thru his attack and then thru his body. Fin Fang Foom attacks The Untouchables floating homestead in true awkward giant monster fashion. The huge alien monster slams his giant fists on to the deck of Broadside killing Swift Wind, Saturn Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Bouncing Boy, and all 3 parts of Triplicate Girl. Horatio Caine rallies his forces by putting his sunglasses on and saying: “monsters are like problems, you just can’t avoid the big ones” (WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN). The Navy Seals open fire on the huge monster, who is now just pounding on Broadside and doing much damage to the Autobot. Merlin lends a little distance magic to the fight to help while Megatron shoots at the monster with his arm cannon. Megatron inflicts quite a bit of damage on the creature which causes him to realize that he needs just a little bit more power. Megatron yells to his top dawg Deadpool that they need to finish this problem off. Megatron transforms into his gun form and is caught by Deadpool. Deadpool holds the oversized gun and begins to take aim at Fin Fang Foom but before he can shoot Horatio Caine runs up to him and grabs Megatron out of his hands. Horatio hands Deadpool the sunglasses of justice and takes aim at Fin Fang Foom. Caine double taps the much oversized pistol and puts 2 intense laser blasts into the eyes of Fin Fang Foom to bring him down for good. Megatron transforms back into robot form and Horatio grabs his sunglasses off of Deadpool’s face. Deadpool screams “Bull’s-eye”! But Horatio puts his sunglasses back on and says “No Wade, more like Alien-eye”. (WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN). The Untouchables jump for joy as they witness the death of Fin Fang Foom, but they soon realize that the small victory did not come quick enough. Megatron tries to bark an order at Broadside when the team realizes that Broadside is already dead from the massive damage inflicted by Foom and that he is beginning to sink. Captain Cold freezes a good sized portion of the water to give the team a place to jump to while their Transformer ship sinks, which saves them all (Megatron takes flight because he is to big for the ice creation), but it is not quite as defensible a base as Broadside was. Black Bolt and Cosmic Boy have been battling for some time when Cosmic Boy uses his powers of magnetism to pick up a large chunk of what was once his teammate Broadside and uses it to skewer Black Bolt. Beast Man learns the name of Beast Boy and thinks to himself that he should easily win that fight just do to their names, but in this setting it is not as easy as he thinks. Beast Man pulls out his sword and jumps into the water after Beast Boy but Beast Boy turns into a large sword fish and runs the Eternian thru. Ursula has been laying low under the water for the entire match when she decides that it is time for her to make her appearance known. She begins battling with Triton deep below the surface in what makes for a very close match-up. Ursula uses both her magic and her tentacles to attack Triton but The Inhuman’s swimming abilities make him to fast to hit. Triton swims up behind Ursula and gets her in a strangle hold, he then uses his super-human strength to break the neck of the water witch. Jade leads the green lanterns in to attack Phantom Girl who is still involved in her pseudo fight with the twins. Jade uses her ring less green lantern powers to rematerialize Phantom Girl for a brief second while Kalbo and his beautiful Twileck counterpart Green Lantern #1 blast a huge amount of green energy her way. This works to destroy Phantom Girl but inadvertently destroys their teammates the twins as well. Jack and Curtis drive up to the ice and drop off their Navy Seals, but before they can drive away and regroup the rest of their forces Horatio Caine jumps into action. He runs up to Karate Kid and says “let’s go legionnaire; Hey, what’s your name again”? “Karate Kid sir” the Karate Kid responds. Horatio stops in mid-run and puts his sunglasses on. He then says “Ohhhh. Really, when I was your age they called me the karate Man” (WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN). Horatio and The Karate Kid jump on to the Swift Boat as it drives away. The Kennelz Navy Seals jump on to the ice and instantly take out their target Captain Cold (modern day pirate style). The Navy Seals have to give up a lot of potential safe cover as they complete their mission, which allows The Untouchables Navy Seals, who outnumber them as it is to take them all out with a little help from Merlin. Only Navy Seal #35 dies from the return fire. Karnak sneaks up on to the ice next and stealthily takes out Navy Seal #36, but Deadpool notices him and attacks. Karnack and Deadpool engage in a fierce hand to hand battle, but Deadpool seems to gain the upper hand as the merc with a mouth yells “For Maude”! While he is sticking his sword into the neck of Karnack. Crystal uses her powers of air and water manipulation to quickly melt the ice which is keeping a good amount of The Untouchables out of the water. Zan & Jayna touch to activate their Wonder Twin powers. Zan takes the form of a whirlpool that easily sucks in Merlin and drowns him while Jayna turns into a shark along with Beast Boy who does the same. After this double transformation the 2 sharks easily consume the rest of the floating Navy Seals including their 2 Non-Commissioned Officers. Cosmic Boy flies low, just barely above the water, but Triton jumps out of the water and brings Cosmic Boy back down with him. Once underwater Cosmic Boy does not stand a chance against Triton who easily overpowers him. Triton is about to attack Deadpool in an attempt to avenge his cousin when he is suddenly drawn in by the powers of Aphrodite. The goddess of love takes control of his mind to the point that all he can think about is her perfect body and beautiful persona. Once Triton comes in close to gain his prize Aphrodite turns on him and uses her Mount Olympian strength to break not only his heart but also his head. Crystal sees what is going on and knows that she needs to stop the goddess before she destroys every man on the Kennelz. Crystal’s numerous powers have gotten her mistaken for a god in the past so she has little fear as she rushes this true god, knowing that she gets to face her in a setting that is much more suitable to her than it is to Aphrodite. Crystal then manipulates the water around them to such a degree that even Aphrodite with her godly abilities is unable to keep from being overtaken by the amazing power of water. Crystal wishes to stand tall after her victory, but she finds it difficult to stand as tall as she used to after She-Ra lops off her head. Galactus has grown tired of waiting for the fight to be over and has finally regained some of his lost strength from his brawl to settle it all with Onslaught. He and Nova fly back in toward the battle and they use their combined cosmic powers to destroy Megatron and She-Ra as if they were nothing more than the action figures on Ryan’s dresser. Galactus’ apathetic regard for any lesser beings causes him to not notice Zan who was sneaking up behind them in whirlpool form. Zan is also killed in the cosmic explosion. Deadpool jumps onto the back of Jayna (still in shark form) and sticks a grenade in the shark’s mouth. Jayna blows up, but before Deadpool can completely recover from the explosion and do the same to Beast Boy; Beast Boy bites his head clean off with his razor sharp teeth. The Karate Kid jumps at Jack Bauer, but Bauer has more martial arts skills and training than one may think. Jack jumps out of the way of Karate Kid’s karate kick and then brings his head down hard onto the side of the free-floating swift boat. Jack then pulls out his Sig-Saur P229 and blows off Karate Kid’s head. Jack radios back to his teammates to tell them to regroup, but he realizes that the radios are dead and that he is going to have to handle this problem by himself. Madam Razz and Broom have hung back this entire match so they could have their chance for revenge against Jack Bauer. They fly in as fast as they can, but Jack takes aim and blasts Madam Razz right between the eyes. Broom then tries to attack Jack on its own, but Jack dodges out of the way and then grabs Broom out of the air and then cracks it in half over his knee. Curtis and Horatio have both lost their weapons in their struggle with one another when Jack approaches and says “Curtis! Back off, let me give you a hand”. Curtis responds with “No Jack, this is personal. I’m gonna close this match up” “We never close” Horatio says as he kicks Curtis in the groin, then grabs his head and breaks his neck in one swift motion. Jack points his gun at Horatio and yells “Give it up Caine”! But Horatio pulls off his sunglasses and throws them at Jack’s hands, knocking the gun out of his hand and sending it in to the water. Horatio Caine then reaches into his pocket and pulls out another pair of sunglasses. He puts them on and says “If you want to make the grade, you gotta throw the shades” (WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN). Jack then looks at Horatio and nods while he picks up both halves of Broom and tosses one to Horatio. The 2 of them then begin fighting with the 2 broom stick ends which ends up being one of the most epic melee battles in human history. I had no idea that either of these men were so skilled in half-broomstick fighting, but much like their television shows the skills of these 2 men never cease to amaze. As the 2 battle back and forth I think to myself that this makes the Yoda/Dooku fight from episode 2 look like 2 teenage jocks pushing each other at a high school party in hopes that their girlfriends will break them up. It makes Ali/Frasier look like me, Chris, & Ryan Burke dragging Jared up Nate’s stairway. It even makes the fight between Arnold and Bennet at the end of Commando look like a fat guy who is half stuck in his lawn chair at a back yard BBQ slowly reach over to smack an aging horse fly. It makes……. Well never mind, I think you get my drift. Horatio kicks Jack in the chest and sends him into the controls of the boat. Horatio then tries to come down hard on Jack’s head with his end of the broom but Jack gets out of the way just in time. Jack, who has now maneuvered himself behind Horatio, kicks him in the back of the knee which brings him down onto the ground of the floor board of the boat. Once exposed Jack takes the cracked end of his broom and jams it into the jugular vein of Horatio Caine. Jack Bauer then takes the sunglasses off of Horatio Caine and says “Say hello to Madam Razz for me”.
MICHAEL VICK’S BAD NEWZ KENNELZ OF LURVE ARE VICTORIOUS!