George Washington's Slaves vs. Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos

I am now suffering from a secondary infection which races through my body. Notwithstanding, I will honor my duties since I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 8 Match: George Washington's Slaves vs. Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos.

The locker room of the Slaves contains Arisia, Ben Skywalker, Captain Jean Luc Picard in an F-22, Captain Kirk, Colossus, Cthulu, Dare the Terminator, Inspector Gadget, Jason Bourne, Loki, Martian Manhunter, Neo, Optimus Prime, Red Dragon #10, Sonny (I-Robot), Spongebob Sqarepants, Super Soldier, T-1000, Trinity in the Bat-Copter, Wedge Antilles in the Shuttle Tyderium, Windcharger and Yoda.

Captain Kirk: We shall be the only one loss team after this battle! My ego will not allow anything less!

Jason Bourne: Just do your job Kirk and we’ll see to it!

Dare the Terminator: Hey! No sight jokes!!!

The locker room of the Commandos contains Dave Bowman: The Starchild, Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter, Agamemnon, Juno, Bizarro Superman, Xerxes, Captain Tarpals, Tlaloc, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Rodimus Prime, Black Adam, Ben Kenobi, Darth Binks and Dr. Doom in a Swift Boat, Mary Marvel, Gungans #1-14, The Cloverfield Monster and Parallax.

Darth Binks: Meesa loves to cut Slaves!!!

Dumbledore: Cut them you shall young Binks. Cut them you shall.

Dave Bowman: Not if I have anything to say about it. Our team is tired so I plan on making this match a quick one!

I transport the teams to the Pacific battleground. . . .

Dave Bowman: The Starchild takes the lead. As said in the locker room, he wants the match to finish in record time. He walks on the water with his arms spread in a deity-like pose. The Slaves are ready to suffer extreme consequences at the hands of the Starchild. As an aura spreads across Bowman and he is ready to unleash his powers upon the Slaves, Cthulu rises from the watery depths and swallows Bowman whole. As one of the Great Old Ones (and a cosmic entity itself), Cthulu manages to absorb Bowman’s powers. Bowman attempts to escape, an energy surging through his veins as he becomes cosmically nuclear. The explosion is blinding and takes out both Bowman and Cthulu. The cosmic ones perish together. Seeing that a major threat on each team has been taken out, the remaining team members charge at one another.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon swims at the Slaves. He sees Spongebob Squarepants walking on the bottom of the ocean. With one swipe of its claw, Spongebob is shredded to gelatinous pieces. The Gungans #1-14 join the Creature from the Black Lagoon and swim further into the Slaves’ territory. They are met by Captain Jean Luc Picard in an F-22. Picard uses his plane’s equipment to get the heat signatures of the Gungans and Creature. The Captain uses the Joint Direct Attack Munition guidance system and small-diameter bombs to ferret out his enemy in the water. The bombs kill Gungans #2, 5-7, 12-14. As the remaining Gungans and Creature surface in an attempt to avoid the bombing, they are met by the MBDA Meteor and rotary cannons. The Creature and the remaining Gungans are killed by Picard. As Picard circles the area, he is suddenly met by the Cloverfield Monster. The Monster smashes the F-22 and both the aircraft and Picard meet their fates in a brilliant explosion. Wedge Antilles in the Shuttle Tyderium flies at the Cloverfield Monster. The Monster faces a repeatedly barrage of laser fire. Knowing that Antilles may be able to defeat it, the Monster dives into the waters again. Antilles decides that he will search for and ultimately destroy the Monster. Instead of finding the Cloverfield beast, he is met by Bizzaro and Superman (actually working together to defeat a common enemy). They rip off the wings of the Tyderium. The craft spins out of control and into the waters below. Antilles manages to eject from the aircraft.

Antilles: Whew. Barely escaped that time. . .

Antilles looks around and sees his body falling into the gaping maw of the Cloverfield Monster.

Antilles: Oh well. At least this isn’t my ninth. . .

While its mouth is opened and Antilles is falling to his digestive doom, Trinity in the Bat Copter releases all of her explosive weapons into the giant beast’s maw. The explosions shred the internal organs, as well as Antilles, apart. Both Antilles and the Cloverfield Monster perish.

On Inspector Gadget, once again using his body as a raft-like flotilla are Dare the Terminator and Jason Bourne. The cymeks, being Agamemnon, Juno, Xerxes and Tlaloc, swim to the trio. Using their strengths and abilities in unison, the cymeks manage to rip apart and eventually dismantle Inspector Gadget. Gadget and a majority of his body parts go to their watery graves. Bourne floats on a large Gadget piece and is met by Xerxes. Bourne uses his special training skills to defeat Xerxes, who is destroyed. Bourne is a little surprised at actually having killed a cymek; he is ready for another. Bourne is not ready for Agamemnon though as Agamemnon dismantles and kills Bourne (as Bourne did to Xerxes previously. Juno and Tlaloc together fight Dare the Terminator. Dare uses her enhanced abilities and her billy club to dent various pieces of Juno’s and Tlaloc’s encasements. Dare then uses a piece of “Gadget” flotilla to destroy Juno. Agamemnon comes to the fray and with Tlaloc, eventually catches and kills the blind mercenary. The cymeks turn to see Colossus (in human form) and the Super Soldier swim to the scene. As the duo comes to the various Gadget pieces (enough for them to stand on), Colossus armors up and destroys Agamemnon is a vicious battle. Super Solider, with the help of Colossus, takes out Tlaloc.

Dr. Doom and Darth Binks pull up near the Gadget pieces in their Swift Boat. Doom uses the boat’s weaponry and fires upon the Super Solider. Darth Binks springs from the boat and uses his lightsaber to sever Colossus’ left arm. The right arm is all he needs though, as Binks slips due to the wet surface, and Colossus catches Binks by his throat with his right hand. Colossus crushes Binks’ windpipe and the Sith slips to his watery grave. Dr. Doom, meanwhile, has already killed Super Soldier. Colossus focuses on Dr. Doom. The two are in a power struggle when Black Adam flies to the scene. With both Black Adam and Doom, joining together, Colossus is eventually subdued and defeated - killed.

Captain Tarpals swims to the scene. He is met by Sonny. The two warriors fight one another and Tarpals uses his weapon to slice across Sonny’s prosthetic body. Sonny’s fight with Tarpals is vicious, but the robot eventually gets the upper hand and kills Tarpals. Sonny swims on and is met by Mary Marvel. Damaged already from Tarpal’s actions, Marvel easily dispatches with Sonny. Mary Marvel flies from the waters and into the sky.

Mary Marvel joins her teammates Bizarro Superman, Rodimus Prime, Black Adam and Parallax, currently in the air. They are met by Arisia, Loki, Martian Manhunter, Optimus Prime, Red Dragon #10 and Trinity in the Bat-Copter. Parallax uses its powers to overpower and take control of Arisia’s body. With their combined powers, Parallax-Arisia is able to smash the Bat-Copter to pieces. Trinity escapes from the helicopter and is met by Red Dragon #10, who carries the Matrix legend on its back. Parallax-Arisia focuses on Red Dragon #10 and Trinity. Before Parallax-Arisia can destroy the two, Optimus Prime skewers Arisia and kills both to save his teammate from further degradation at the hands of Parallax. Loki, used to dragons in his Asgardian realm, uses his powers to slay and destroy Red Dragon #10, who plummets from the sky. Trinity uses her Matrix abilities to soften the blow as she hits the water. Rodimus Prime and Optimus Prime begin their fight against one another. The two Transformers are equally matched. They bash one another and it is not until Bizarro and Superman come to the scene that the match tips to one side. The trio manages to destroy Optimus Prime. Mary Marvel sees Loki, having just killed the dragon, and smashes his skull, killing the mischief maestro. Black Adam then takes on Martian Manhunter. The two are evenly matched. Nonetheless, Manhunter eventually bests and kills Black Adam. Bizarro, Superman, Rodimus Prime and Mary Marvel then take on the Martian Manhunter. Although Manhunter kills Marvel, the other three easily defeat and kill him.

Dr. Doom uses the swift boat to pick up his other teammates: Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter, and Ben Kenobi. They look for the other team and fail to realize that they are already being boarded by Ben Skywalker, Captain Kirk, Neo, T-1000, Windcharger and Yoda. Dumbledore takes on the T-1000. Although the T-1000 is highly formidable, Dumbledore manages to use his magic to dismantle and disintegrate the terminator model. Captain Kirk, always looking to battle the most formidable opponent, charges at Harry Potter. The boy wizard uses his wand to send flames at the Starfleet captain. Kirk gives a scream (as heard when he was penetrated by Spock) and falls into the water, a sizzling mass of charred meat. Windcharger, in robot mode, fights the wizards, Dumbledore and Potter. Windcharger is eventually destroyed by the duo, but Dumbledore sacrifices himself to save Potter as Windcharger releases a final blast in his death throw. Ben Skywalker and Yoda deflect the magic propelled by Potter at the Jedi. Yoda then flips three times and slices Potter in half with his lightsaber. Ben Skywalker dies at the hands of his namesake Ben Kenobi. Yoda, the superior warrior, then kills Ben Kenobi. Trinity, Yoda and Neo together take out Dr. Doom. The three then focus on their next prey when Bizarro, Superman and Rodimus Prime come to the boat. The boat is in near shambles and is sinking due to the damage it has sustained in the battle. The final skirmish is over in ten minutes. Rodimus Prime kills Trinity. Neo is killed by Superman. Bizzaro is joined by Rodimus Prime and Superman in a fight against Yoda. The wizened warrior slices Bizzaro, but meets his fate as administered by Prime and Superman.

Slaves: All dead.

Commandos: Superman and Rodimus Prime alive.

POP-SUPERSTAR HANNAH MONTANA & PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA’S “BEST OF BOTH WORLDS” TOURING BATTALION OF COMMANDOS ARE VICTORIOUS!!!