2009 All Star Game

American League: Hannibal Lecter (Head Coach), Supergirl, Superman, General Zod, Hancock, Doomsday, Dark Phoenix, Phoenix: Rachel Summers, Jean Grey, Onslaught, Luke Skywalker: Grand Jedi Master, Anakin Skywalker, Mace Windu, Thor, Beta Ray Bill, Batman, Red Hulk, Wolverine, Iron Man, Set, Deadpool.

National League: George Washington (Head Coach), Yoda, Obi Wan Kenobi, Silver Surfer, Green Lantern: Hal Jordan, Wonder Woman, Power Girl, Ursa, Movie Megatron, Movie Starscream, Omega Supreme, Optimus Prime (Write-In), Dave Bowman: The Starchild, Hulk, Black Adam, Ron Popeil, Gandalf The White, Parallax, X-23, Loki, Im Ho Tep.

Watcher’s note: To fully experience this All Star Game, it is highly recommended that you listen to John Williams score from Jurassic Park while reading. Now on with the battle.

A dense fog is slowly rolling away from Isla Nublar, which is 120 miles off the coast of Costa Rica, as the National League All Stars are teleported onto the island. Head Coach George Washington has Optimus Prime lift him up in his massive robotic hand so that he may address his troops. “For far too long, we have been on the losing end in this ongoing battle against the villainous American League,” begins General Washington. “Today we have the opportunity to show the A.L. that their tyrannical rule over the F.F.L. is coming to an end. As I look out over you, I see one of the finest collections of fighters this league has bore witness to. And more importantly, I see individuals from all different teams, some teammates, others bitter rivals. I even see mortal enemies as well as close allies standing here. But you all come to this island today for one reason, and one reason only. To secure a victory for the Nation League! The American League is arrogant and is incapable of working together to achieve a common goal. Let’s use this to our advantage, and show them that we are not to be treated lightly. N.L. for life!” Washington’s speech is met with overwhelming applause. However, it is cut short by a big flash of light off in the distance, which could only have been caused by the teleportation of the American League All Stars. The treetops shake violently as, what at first glance appears to just be a small herd of Brachiosaurs heads popping out of them. But on closer inspection, they are actually the seven heads of Set. “Bowman, it’s time we show the A.L. just what the N.L. is made of,” General Washington says calmly. The Starchild then instantly disappears, only to reappear directly over Set. He then uses his vast cosmic powers to teleport the Serpent God to edge of the universe, The Source Wall. There he traps Set in it for all eternity.
Back on Isla Nublar, and just prior to this All Star Game, American League Head Coach Hannibal Lecter gave only one order to his team, “Win or I will eat you.” Lecter, however, isn’t the only one on this island thinking about dinner. A Tyrannosaurs Rex bursts out from the trees behind the A.L. All Stars and chomps down, eating Deadpool in one bite. Supergirl and Superman both quickly take the dinosaur out with their heat vision. The team then head towards their N.L. opponents. A few moments later, the side of the dead T-Rex then bursts open and a slimy Deadpool walks out from inside the stomach. “Did I just get eaten by a T-Rex?! How cool is that?!” exclaims Deadpool. He then looks around and notices that no one is there. He lets out a sigh and begins to race towards the fight. George Washington sees the oncoming attack from the American League and shouts orders to his team, “Magic team move forward. I want lightsabers at full charge.” The foliage rustles as the American League approaches. Wolverine is the first to enter the battle and leaps right at Gandalf The White, Im Ho Tep and Loki. Im Ho Tep instantly turns himself into sand and engulfs Wolverine, violently spinning the mutant in the air, literally shredding the flesh right off of his Adamantium skeleton. Im Ho Tep reconfigures himself as the metal skeleton crashes and clanks onto the ground. Iron Man then flies in and uses his repulsor rays to blast the NL back. Head Coach Washington the calls for his own inventor, Ron Popeil to attack Tony Stark. General Popeil takes off to the skies in his own super-powered robot suit. “What are you supposed to be?” asks Iron Man. “Well I’m glad you asked. What you are looking at right here is the never before released, one of a kind, prototype of the new conjoined effort by Ronco and Apple; the iRon Man suit,” says Popeil. “But wait! There’s more! You don’t need to have an electromagnet stuck into your chest to use it. Now how much would you pay for something like this?” But before Popeil can continue his pitch, Iron Man punches him in the helmet, sending him sailing back in the air. “Damn, that punch wrecked my MP3 player,” Popeil grumbles to himself. “Well let’s see how Stark likes this!” iRon Man then hits Iron Man with a sonic blast from his Mr. Microphone inspired audio weapons. He flies straight at Iron Man and lands several punches to the Abomitrons All Star. Then out from Popeil’s left hand pops a hollow spike, which he jams into Iron Man’s helmet. “Here’s another great function of the iRon Man suit, the Inside-the-Shell-Head Brain Scrambler. And to finish you off, how about I add in, free of charge, the Electric Body Dehydrator,” says Ron as he takes his right hand and places it right over Tony Stark’s chest piece. “It’s… going… to… take… a lot… more… to… finish… me… off,” says Iron Man. “J.A.R.V.I.S…. initialize Omega… Theta… Omega…6…0…3.” And with that command, Tony Stark’s Iron Man suit completely explodes and vaporizes both himself and Ron Popeil in the process.
Deadpool finally sees someone from the American League. “Hey, wait a second, you didn’t make this All Star Game?!” says Deadpool. “Sure I did. The fans voted me in,” replies Brandon Inge. “Dude, I know I’m not all there in the head, but I’m pretty sure that was the baseball All Star Game,” Deadpool says to Inge. “Ooooh. Crap,” says Brandon. And just as he realizes his mistake a group of Velociraptor attacks both Inge and Deadpool. Brandon tries his best to beat the Raptors away with his baseball bat, but ultimately has his stomach slashed open by the vicious carnivores. Deadpool is able to shoot and kill the Raptors but they do inflict quite a bit of damage to him. “Geez, this just, cough, isn’t my day,” Deadpool says to himself as he drops to his knees, allowing his healing factor to fix his wounds.
Back in the battle, Doomsday smashes his way through the trees and tackles Hulk off a cliff. The two behemoths pummel each other with such rage and power that it causes shockwaves with each blow. Doomsday grabs a Stegosaurs by the tail and spins it around his head whipping it at Hulk, knocking him through several large trees. Hulk in turn kills two Triceratops and rips their heads off, so he can use them as gauntlets. Hulk starts bashing Doomsday with his Triceratops-skull covered fists so hard that the horns on one of them penetrate Doomsday’s chest. Doomsday then kicks Hulk back and rips the Triceratops head out of his chest. He once again charges Hulk, but this time Hulk’s Right Wing teammate and Regular Season MVP, Silver Surfer blast him in the face. The two Right Wing members attack Doomsday with great intensity that are able to finally silence and defeat the monstrous beast. Movie Megatron and Movie Starscream fly high above the dinosaur-infested island, doing strafing runs at the American League squad. Movie Starscream unloads multiple missiles towards them, but they unexpectedly change coarse and blow apart him instead. His falling carcass then is crumpled into a ball and slams into Movie Megatron sending him crashing to the ground as well. Once Movie Megatron regains his footing, he finds himself staring his aggressor right in the face, Onslaught. Movie Megatron unleashes everything ounce of energy and power he as upon Onslaught, but the mighty mutant is too powerful for the Transformer. Onslaught rips Movie Megatron apart and flings the pieces towards the National League. Hal Jordan quickly puts up a green energy shield, saving his team from the shrapnel, which was once their teammate. The team of Loki, Gandalf the White and Dave Bowman, who has just returned from the Source Wall, all engage Onslaught. Loki and Gandalf both attack Onslaught with various forms of magical spells, which seem to be starting to wear down the mutant. However, they are disrupted by a heard of stampeding Hadrosaurus, which gives Onslaught an opportunity to attack. He uses his magnetic abilities to twist the long horns protruding off of Loki’s helmet, impaling the trickster god with them. It’s at this point that The Starchild has seen enough and sacrifices himself as he destroys Onslaught with his cosmic abilities.
A.L. Head Coach Hannibal Lecter then orders the incredible team of Superman, Supergirl, General Zod and Hancock into the fray. The four powerhouses fly into battle, led by Superman, who is flanked by Supergirl and General Zod. Hancock flies slightly back from the three Kryptonians, due the fact that he thinks they are all arrogant and stuck up. Except for Supergirl, he thinks she hot, just sort of bitchy. Hal Jordan, Power Girl, Ursa, and Black Adam meet them in the air. Just as they all clash in combat, Head Coach Lecter shouts “Jean, Rachel, NOW!” With this order, both Dark Phoenix and Rachel Summers fly up to the ongoing battle and unleash the Phoenix Force on all eight combatants, incinerating all of them. The entire battlefield stands motionless from shock, after witnessing all of these powerful beings killed in one fell swoop. “Surfer, destroy them we must. Help you I will,” says Yoda as he jumps onto the front of Silver Surfer’s surfboard. They take off heading right for Dark Phoenix. Omega Supreme blast up into the air, providing some much needed cover fire for his teammates as Silver Surfer fires a concentrated blast straight at the cosmic being. She is able to withstand the blast and fires back a blast of cosmic energy of her own. Yoda is able to deflect it with the Force as they are within striking distance. Yoda leaps from the surfboard, ignites his lightsaber and plunges it deep into Dark Phoenix’s chest. The cosmic fire emitting from Dark Phoenix singes Yoda’s cloak as he leaps back off of her and onto Silver Surfer’s board. Silver Surfer then spins around and hits Rachel with a blast of cosmic energy that blows a hole right through her stomach. Thor and Beta Ray Bill together then attack the largest member of the National League squad, Omega Supreme, who is taken by surprise, since his focus was on aiding Yoda and Silver Surfer. Thor and Beta Ray Bill call down several strong lightning bolts that arc right at the enormous Autobot. “Attack, ineffective,” bellows Omega. He then takes aim and fires his plasma blaster arm, which knocks Beta Ray Bill from the sky. Thor then swoops in and lands on the Transformer’s shoulder. He then takes a might swing with Mjolnir and smashes the protective shield on Omega Supreme’s helmet. Omega retaliates by flipping his rear laser cannon over his head and blasting Thor point blank with it. Unhappy with the job the Thor’s are doing, Head Coach Lecter sends Red Hulk in to aid them. The three American Leaguers then attack Omega Supreme from several angles and eventually bring him to his knees. Thor delivers the final blow to the valiant and massive Autobot by driving Mjolnir into the base of Omega Supreme’s head.
Meanwhile, Deadpool is still trying to join the battle. He can see all the smoke and destruction and it’s killing him that he’s not in the thick of it. “This sucks! I should be right there kicking butt for the National League. No wait, the American League. Oh who cares, I should just be kicking butt!” Deadpool exclaims to anyone that is listening. Which is no one. “And now here I am by myself, ah, talking to myself. That’s, that’s chaos. Ah ha ha ahh.” A Dilophosaurs then confronts him. “Wait a second. I’ve seen Jurassic Park. You’re the dinosaur that spits purple goop at people right before…” The dinosaur interrupts Deadpool and spits its venom right at his face. “Yep, I knew it.” The Dilophosaurs leaps at Deadpool, who pulls out his gun and blows away the dinosaur. “Man this stuff really stings the eyes,” Deadpool says to himself. He then just takes his mask off, which has most of the venom stuck to it.
Back in the actual battle, Batman is squaring off against Obi Wan Kenobi. Batman is trying to keep his distance from Obi’s lightsaber by leaping between the trees and launching several batarangs at the Jedi Master. Obi Wan then Force pushes Batman, knocking him into the leg of a Brachiosaurs. Batman in turn, begins to run up the tail of the mighty beast, with Obi Wan close behind. The ever-resourceful Batman then pulls a new weapon he’s been working on in the locker room this season, a batsaber. He ignites the purple-bladed batsaber as the two combatants clash high upon the back of the passing by Brachiosaurs. Obi Wan is impressed by Batman’s skills, no only with hand-to-hand combat, but with his batsaber. Batman ducks a quick swipe from Obi Wan’s lightsaber, which slices the ears off of Batman’s cowl. Batman then lunges at the Jedi Master and tackles him down onto the dinosaur’s back. Obi Wan kicks the Dark Knight off of him, but Batman fires his grappling hook up into the air, which wraps around the snout of the dinosaur. Batman swings through the air towards Obi Wan, who patiently awaits the attack. Batman ignites his batsaber and tries to cut down the Jedi Master. But Obi Wan is prepared for this and he dropkicks Batman down and ends this confrontation by driving his lightsaber into the bat logo upon Bruce’s chest. Red Hulk charges straight towards Gandalf the White, who begins to fire several bolts of magic at the behemoth. Unfortunately, this is a futile attempt, Rulk powers through it and stomps the White Wizard into the ground. He then pick up Gandalf’s staff and breaks it in two. “Rulk killed Hulk’s teammate! Hulk now kill Rulk!” yells Hulk as he uppercuts Rulk high up into the sky. As Rulk falls back down to the island, he grabs a hold of a Pterosaur and climbs up on it, using it to fly straight at Hulk. But, all of a sudden, Rulk sees a tiny green blur zipping right at him. Hulk has launched Yoda into the air and directly at Rulk. The Jedi Master plunges his lightsaber deep between Rulk’s eyes and kills the arrogant red monster. “Little green man help Hulk,” says Hulk in thanks to Yoda who uses the Pterosaur to land safely back down. “Friend of Surfer you are. Friend of mine now you are as well,” replies Yoda.
Deadpool finally reaches the battle, only to be instantly attacked by X-23, who is relentless. He shoots her several times, but she keeps coming right at him, slices his gun in half. X-23 then kicks Deadpool in the chest with her foot blade and knocks him into a giant pile of Triceratops droppings. “Man, I’m really going to have to remember to wash my hands before I eat anything,” Deadpool says to himself. He then jumps out of the droppings, pulls his kitana blades out and slashes X-23 several times. She then gets in close and takes his right hand clean off with her claws. “You’re, ah, tenacious,” Deadpool says to X-23. “You have no idea,” she replies as she then cuts the Merc with a Mouth’s head off. As his head rolls on the ground, Deadpool says right before he dies, “Great, I think this means I’m extinct.”
The trio of Luke Skywalker, Anakin Skywalker and Mace Windu all leap into action and attack the N.L.’ers. Luke and Anakin use the Force to leap up onto Silver Surfer’s board and double team the cosmic being. Though Silver Surfer is extremely powerful in his own right, he just cannot stand up to these two-gifted Jedi’s. He falls to a double blow from their lightsabers. Luke and Anakin then leap back down and use an Apatosaurs as a slide to glide safely back down into battle. (Kind of like what Batman and Robin do when they are fighting Mr. Freeze in the museum in “Batman and Robin.” Remember? No? Oh, sorry then.) Mace Windu, however, finds himself being attacked by Wonder Woman. Her sword, which was forged by Hephaestus, clashes with Master Windu’s lightsaber, sending sparks sailing into the air. They continue to battle with great intensity, neither giving an inch. Mace is finally able to knock Diana’s sword out of her hand and kicks her to the ground. He attempts to finish her off with a powerful swing of his lightsaber, but she blocks it with her bracelets. Wonder Woman then uppercuts Mace hard, sending him flying back in the air. She then flings the golden lasso of truth at him, but Mace does something and shocks Diana, he slices it in half. She then flies hard head first at the Jedi Master and quickly breaks his arm, which causes him to drop his lightsaber. Wonder Woman then takes what’s left of the lasso and strangles the life out of Mace. Anakin and Luke then find themselves surrounded by X-23, Im Ho Tep and Parallax. Anakin is the first to act and rushes Im Ho Tep, due to the fact that the Mummy beat him during the Regular Season. The enraged Jedi slices Im Ho Tep right down the middle with his lightsaber, which prevents Im Ho Tep from turning into sand due to the fact that the lightsaber melted the sand into glass. Luke then squares off against X-23. She is quick on her feet, but Luke’s experience is enough to defeat the mutant. He then feels a great deal of pain. Luke looks down, only to find his father’s lightsaber sticking out of his chest. As Anakin pulls his lightsaber out of his son’s back, Luke drops to his knees. “Father, why?” ask Luke. Anakin leans in close to Luke’s ear and replies “Not father… Parallax. The fear and power coursing through this body is unbelievable.” Luke dies at Anakin/Parallax’s feet.
Hulk has found himself being double-teamed by Thor and Beta Ray Bill, who have both recovered from their battle with Omega Supreme. The Thors work together seamlessly and attack Hulk with a melee of lightning and hammer blows. Dr. Banner is unable to withstand this constant and unrelenting attack, and finally succumbs to their power, but not before he is able to crush Beta Ray Bill’s neck, taking him down with him. Hannibal Lecter finally has seen enough and sneak attacks General Washington. He bites down hard on Washington’s neck and tears some flesh from the first President. Washington is bleeding badly from this wound, but refuses to give up. He pulls out his sword and stabs Lecter in the side. Hannibal pulls out a scalpel and drives it into Washington’s heart, finally killing the National League Head Coach. But then Head Coach Lecter hears chirping around him. He finds himself surround by several dozen Compys. The chicken sized dinosaurs attack him and eat the American League Head Coach, in an act of slight irony. Jean Grey tries to use her telepathy powers to free Anakin Skywalker from Parallax’s hold on him, but she is taken out by Wonder Woman’s sword. Thor now finds himself as the last member of the American League, since Anakin is most likely lost to Parallax. The God of Thunder has no intention on losing this battle for his new league. Thor flies into action and targets Wonder Woman first. Thor smashes Wonder Woman hard across the face with Mjolnir, crushing her jaw. He then swings it down to finish her off.
Optimus Prime now looks over the battlefield and sees that Parallax has taken over Anakin’s body. “Master Yoda, this is not right. Parallax needs to be stopped,” says Optimus. “Agree with you I do. American League does he act like,” replies Yoda. Optimus Prime then transforms and rolls out towards Parallax, who is reveling in the power from Anakin. “Parallax, release that Jedi!” screams Optimus as he transforms back into his robot form. Parallax comes out of Anakin’s body and flies right at the Autobot leader. Optimus grabs the fear entity and yells “Give me your face!” as he rips Parallax’s head off. Thor then quickly flies down and scoops Anakin up before anyone can attack him. “It is now just the two of us brave Jedi,” Thor says to Anakin. “Then what are we waiting for? Let’s finish this team!” replies an eager Anakin. “Aye,” Thor responds. They both land right in front of Yoda, Obi Wan Kenobi and Optimus Prime. Thor raises his hammer high into the air and launches down a massive lightning bolt right at the two Jedi Masters, but in an act of pure heroism, Optimus Prime dives in front of them, taking the lightning bolt right through the chest, extinguishing his spark. The four final All Star clash. Thor squares off against Obi Wan Kenobi and Anakin attacks Yoda. Obi Wan makes some incredible moves, being much quicker than Thor. Thor brings his hammer down hard, but Obi Wan blocks it with his lightsaber. Anakin furiously attacks Yoda, who calmly flips, spins and jumps out of the way of every swing of Anakin’s lightsaber. Yoda finally back flips over a lunging Anakin and relieves him of his head. He then turns to aide Obi Wan against Thor, but is a moment too late. Thor launches down another lightning bolt, which Obi Wan absorbs with his lightsaber, but this was just a distraction from the real attack, which was a well placed uppercut with Mjolnir right to Obi Wan’s jaw, killing him on impact. Yoda regretfully leaps onto Thor’s back and drives his lightsaber into the back of the thunder god’s neck, killing his one time teammate.

THE NATIONAL LEAGUE IS VICTORIOUS!