Season 5, Week 7: Xavier's Annihilation Squad vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

“When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher's knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross!”

-Dirty Harry Callahan

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 7 Match located in Las Vegas.  They are as follows:

Xavier's Annihilation Squad: Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, Mysterio, Electro, Randy Couture in Iron Man Suit, Goliath the Gargoyle, Robocop, John McClane with 2 green lightsabers, Jenny Sparks, Engineer, Jack Hawksmoor, Metroplex, The Blob(movie), T-X, Chameleon, Blade, Black Lantern Josh Houslander, Heather Doba, NFG Mike in a Ferrari 308.

Team Sleeping Pussy: Darryl Revok, S.D. Bob "Snake" Plissken with green lantern ring, Jonah Hex, Paul Kersey, Travis Bickle with a shotgun, Dirty Harry, Scourge, Quicksilver, War Machine, Blockbuster, Cloak and Dagger, Blink, Flash (Jay Garrick), Spiderwoman, Zombie Mephisto, The Vanisher, Captain Boomerang, Jubilee, Zombie Bryan Beckerman and Xenomorph #1.

Let the battle begin. . .

Las Vegas Boulevard. . .

NFG Mike slowly drives his Ferrari 308 down the Fremont Street Experience.  He smiles at a stunningly beautiful showgirl seated next to him.  She resembles Kate Upton.  The Ferrari 308 stops in front of the Neonopolois.  Pseuodo-Upton glides out of the car’s seat and walks into the casino. 

Neonopolois. . .

Pseudo-Upton walks across the main room of the Fremont.  Darryl Revok walks past the casino’s tables and notices the showgirl.  She smiles at him and then pulls out two guns from her stuffed brassiere.   She fires both weapons at Revok, who is struck in the chest and stomach.  As Revok peaks his head from behind a slot machine, he notices that the showgirl has morphed into the Chameleon. 

Revok:  All right. We're gonna do this the scanner way. I'm gonna suck your brain dry!

Revok pushes through his pain and begins to shake.  The Chameleon’s entire body twitches and then bursts into flames.   Revok, mortally wounded, attempts to grab onto the handle of the slot machine behind him.  The lever is pulled and coins burst from the machine’s mouth.  Revok dies only a short time later, bathed in coins.

Las Vegas Boulevard. . .

NFG Mike continues down the street in his Ferrari 308.  War Machine flies over the vehicle.  NFG Mike attempts to put the pedal-to-the-metal and is unable to gain any traction before War Machine blasts the car with a barrage of missiles.  NFG Mike is thrown from the vehicle, but in spectacular fashion, lands like a cat on the ground and barrel rolls to safety.  NFG Mike runs to the Four Queens and sees the skirmish in the hotel already at hand. 

Four Queens. . .

Black Lantern Josh Houslander and Heather Doba are repeatedly struck by light knives from Dagger.  The Marvel duo’s plan has worked as the knives have driven them straight into Cloak.    

Dagger:  Sorry, but we’re the only black-white, female-male duo who’re coming out of this alive. 

Dagger slices Doba apart with her knives and Cloak engulfs Black Lantern Houslander.  BLH is then spit out from the darkness within.  BLH is disorientated, which allows Dagger to focus her knives at BLH’s ring finger.  His ring is shattered and BLH crumples into dust.  The remains float over Doba’s body like a shower of rice at a wedding.

NFG Mike:  Enough of this Oreo cookie bullsh@t!

NFG Mike runs out of the hotel and across the street into the Fremont.

Fremont Hotel. . .

The Team SP “Gunslinger Squad” made up of S.D. Bob "Snake" Plissken, Jonah Hex, Paul Kersey, Travis Bickle and Dirty Harry face Randy Couture, John McClane, Robocop and Blade.  Plissken immediately takes to the air using his lantern ring.

Plissken: One question: which one of you a$$holes gets to die trying to stick me?

Blade:  I promise you, you’ll be dead by dawn.

Plissken:  You first.

Plissken unleashes a barrage of green projectiles at Blade.  They pierce the vampire hunter.  Blade falls to his knees. 

Blade:  Oooh.  So exciting isn’t it?

Jonah Hex:  It is; but you’ll pay just the same.

Hex blows Blade’s skull apart and the Daywalker’s corpse hits the floor.

Across the casino, John McClane faces Travis Bickle.  Bickle cocks his shotgun.  Bickle’s mohawked face spouts incomprehensible rhetoric.

Bickle: I think someone should just take this city and just... just flush it down the f%@kin' toilet.

McClane:  Let's see you take ‘this’ under advisement, jerkweed!

McClane ignites his lightsaber and rushes at the vigilante.  He slices Bickle’s head off before Bickle is able to fire his weapon.  McClane turns around and is almost shot by Paul Kersey, but luckily manages to escape behind a baccarat table.  The two men fire at one another before Randy Couture flies to the scene and uses his Iron Man suit to unleash explosive mayhem on Kersey.  Kersey is blown up with the table.  War Machine flies from the boulevard outside into the casino.  The armored hero arrives to the scene and due to his superior knowledge of the suit’s weaponry and capabilities, destroys Couture in an instant.  Robocop steps into the establishment’s arena. 

Robocop:  Come quietly or there will be trouble.

Dirty Harry responds by firing his .44 Magnum.  The force of the bullet actually dents the futuristic officer of Detroit’s armor.  Robocop returns fire and barrages Callahan, whose body is ripped apart. 

Golden Nugget. . .

After having witnessed the battle at the Fremont, NFG Mike rushes over to the Golden Nugget.  He has survived. . . thus far; his luck is unfortunately about to change.  NFG Mike looks up to see Xenomorph #1 unwrapping itself from a chandelier above and Zombie Bryan Beckerman standing in front of him. 

ZB2:  NFG. . . Some may know you as “New F@cking Guy.”  To me, you are but a “Non Functionary Goy.”  Look it up a@@hole. . .

Xenomorph #1 jumps on NFG Mike and rips him apart.  ZB2 eats the scraps.

ZB2:  Not Kosher, but good nonetheless. . .

As NFG’s remains are finished by the two monsters, T-X saunters into the casino. 

ZB2:  Hot piece of a$$; how do you taste?

T-X does not crack a smile as her arms morph into weapons.  ZB2 and Xenomorph #1 are shredded; their heads splatter across the room’s walls due to the impact of the blasts. 

Las Vegas Club. . .

Spiderwoman leaps over the various slot machines in the side gambling area.  Spiderwoman locates Mysterio and races toward the villain.  As she is about to grab him, Mysterio vanishes in a cloud of smoke.  Electro unleashes a surge of electricity that  shocks the hero off her machine.  Goliath the Gargoyle jumps over three machines and reaches the stunned webslinger.  Goliath rips off Spiderwoman’s head.  Jubilee and Captain Boomerang enter the fray.  Boomerang throws his weapons and strikes Electro.  Electro falls to the floor.  As the combatant rises, Jubilee sends a plasmoid down his throat.  Electro explodes and his innards litter the room.  Jubilee and Boomerang see Mysterio enter a side room.  The duo run to the door and are ready to kill the illusion master as they open the door together.  As they enter the foyer, the Blob shambles out and engulfs them both.  Mysterio re-appears outside of the room and laughs.  His illusion worked and brought his enemies to their fates.

Golden Gate Hotel. . .

Quicksilver and Flash race throughout the hotel’s gaming areas. The urban environment emanates through Jack Hawksmoor.  Hawksmoor uses his telepathic control of the casino to burst the pipes in the building.  Water spreads throughout the area.  Jenny Sparks  and the Engineer join Hawksmoor as they jump on top of the felt covered tables.  Sparks controls the electricity to ignite and electrocute the drenched floors.  Quicksilver and the Flash are electrocuted and fall to the ground.  The Authority trio joins forces and finishes their enemy.

Final Battle- California Hotel.  . .

Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, Mysterio, Goliath the Gargoyle, Robocop, John McClane, Jenny Sparks, Engineer, Jack Hawksmoor, Metroplex, The Blob(movie) and T-X face "Snake" Plissken, Jonah Hex, Scourge, War Machine, Blockbuster, Cloak and Dagger, Blink, Zombie Mephisto and the Vanisher. Immediately, the Vanisher and Blink teleport themselves, as well as Plissken, Hex, Scourge and Blockbuster next to Mysterio, Robocop and McClane.  Due to the surprise suffered by the Squad members, the skirmish lasts only minutes.  McClane is killed by Plissken; Mysterio is killed by Blink and Scourge; Robocop is killed by the Vanisher and Blockbuster.   The Transformer Trio of Sunstreaker, Sideswipe and Metroplex smash through the teleporters and decimate the Vanisher, Blockbuster, Blink and Scourge. 

Goliath the Gargoyle sacrifices himself as he jumps on War Machine and directs the iron-clad hero and himself into the faceless maw of the Blob.  Both perish within the gelatinous creature.  Zombie Mephisto has had enough of the senseless carnage suffered by his team and destroys the Blob and Sparks.  Before additional damage can be committed by the undead demon, T-X sneaks behind Zombie Mephisto and slices off his head. 

Plissken, Hex, Cloak and Dagger actually manage to destroy the Engineer and Sideswipe, but eventually succumb to the sheer brute strength and power of Hawksmoor, Metroplex, Sunstreaker and T-X.