Season 5, Week 9: Horsemen of Apokolips vs. Brotherhood of Evil Midgets

“I'm an actor and this is a role I'm playing, but people can get wacky.”

 -Dean Cain

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 9 Match located at the University of Michigan Stadium.  They are as follows:

Horsemen of Apokolips: Jean Grey-Phoenix, Hope Summers, Chris Artrip with Mandalorian Armor, and Green Lightsaber, Ella Artrip with The Predator (Star Sapphire Entity) with blue lightsaber and Supergirl's Cape, Hal Jordan-Parallax with Ophidian (Orange Entity) with two green lantern rings, Sinestro's yellow ring, red lantern ring and Star Sapphire ring, Luke Skywalker-Grand Jedi Master with Adara (Blue Entity).

Brotherhood of Evil Midgets: Superboy (original Clark Kent version), The Fantastic Four: Franklin Richards, Black Lantern Invisible Woman, Black Lantern Human Torch, Zombie Thing, The Phoenix Force, White Lantern Hal Jordan (with a red lantern ring, Alan Scott's magical green lantern ring and Guy Gardner's yellow lantern ring), Carla from Cheers (with a jetpack) and Dean "Heartthrob" Cain (with a blue lightsaber) on an Oscorp Glider.

Let the battle begin. . . as the teams move from one endzone to the other. . .

Visitor’s Endzone. .  .

Dean “Heartthrob” Cain rides upon his Oscorp Glider across the Visitor’s Endzone.  The ex-Teri-Hatcher-plow-tool spots his target and ignites his blue lightsaber.  Cain speeds across the way and reaches Ella Artip who flies with the assistance of The Predator.  He uses his lightsaber and slashes at Supergirl’s cape.  He then pulls the material off the youngling.

Cain:  This is mine you little guff!!!

Ella Artrip loses her cape and begins to cry.  Cain takes advantage of her angst and kicks her to the field below.  The Predator bursts forth from her body due to Ella’s pain and rips into Cain.  Cain feels the “Love” and loses his blue lightsaber in the process.  He decides that he will love little Ella. . . to death.  Cain drops to the field with his glider, walks next to Ella and cradles her in his arms.  As he takes her head close to his well-muscled pecks, he screams.  He looks down and sees a Mandalorian-armored Chris Artrip’s hand holding a lightsaber which has burned a hole through Cain. 

Chris Artrip:  The only man-boob my daughter will nuzzle up to is my own Cain.

Cain dies and Artrip picks his daughter up. 

Superboy is dismayed at the loss of his heroic television counterpart and joins White Lantern Hal Jordan (hereinafter “WLHJ”) as the multi-ringed powerhouse floats down to the father and daughter. 

Superboy:  You killed Dean Cain.

Artrip:  Cain tried to have my daughter suckle him.

Jordan:  Doesn’t mean he was a bad guy. . .

With lightning speed, Superboy crushes the skull of Artrip within the Mandalorian armor’s helmet.  Artrip falls and Ella begins to cry.  The youngling knows that not only does she not have the man-breasts of her dad to cradle against, but her opportunity to do so with a real man like Cain is now not afforded to her.  She continues to cry.  WLHJ smiles and a calm sets over Ella.  She passes in her father’s arms. . . and holding onto the hand of Cain.  With Ella and Cain both gone, The Predator shoots through the structure’s roof to the heavens above.

Visitor’s 30 Yard Line. . .

Carla flies with her strapped-on jetpack around the area.   Luke Skywalker feels not only the Force, but Adara- the embodiment of hope flowing through his body.  Carla sees Luke looking at her.  Carla feels “hope” and Luke reaches out toward her.  Carla floats downward and lands next to Skywalker.

Carla: I'm in love with someone else. I don't know his name. I never even met him yet. But I've had this really clear picture of him in my mind for what seems like forever. I mean, he is gonna walk into this bar one night... well, not walk, really, more like swagger, you know? Confident, but not cocky... He's okay lookin' but he's no pretty boy. He's a swell dresser. He's got on this... burgundy leather jacket. He's got cherry Life Savers in one pocket and a pack of Camels in the other. He's tryin' to quit 'em both, but he can't. His nose... it's broken in all the right places. And he's got this scar on his chin that he won't talk about. He cracks his knuckles all the time, it drives me up the wall but what are ya gonna do. He doesn't talk much... doesn't have to. He falls for me. Hard. I hurt him a few times. He gets over it. We get married. So, uh, you see, it'd be a little messy if I was already married when he got here.

Luke Skywalker:  That’s nice.

Without hesitation, Skywalker slices her in half.  Carla dies with a smile on her face.

50 Yard Line. . .

The Midgets’ version of the Fantastic Four stands midfield and waits for Hal Jordan Parallax to meet them in combat.   The battle is incredible as multi-colored lights and projectiles spew across the field.  Avarice incarnate, Ophidian, lashes out of Jordan and through Zombie Thing.  The orange colored entities combine and Zombie Thing becomes one with true “greed.”  Zombie Thing lashes out at Black Lantern Human Torch, believing that he should be the combatant who is revered and beloved amongst the Midgets, not BLHT.  BLHT is taken off guard at the antics of Zombie Thing and his ring is ripped off his finger.  BLHT disintegrates into the turf.  Before Zombie Thing can rush at his other teammates, Franklin Richards morphs Zombie Thing at the molecular level so that his head explodes.  Hope Summers comes to the scene and takes advantage of the infighting within the Midgets’ team.  Summers begins to imbibe the powers of Franklin, being that he is one of the most powerful mutants and mimics his powers and abilities.  She lashes out at Black Lantern Invisible Woman and destroys her.   Ophidian manages to return to HJP.

Home Team’s 40 Yard Line. . .

Luke Skywalker uses Carla Tortelli’s jet pack to reach the line.  He is confronted by Superboy.    The Grand Jedi Master and Kryptonian battle to a near standstill.  Hal Jordan Parallax, with Ophidian, storms to the scene and combines his efforts with that of Skywalker (and Adara).  Superboy is destroyed in a savage barrage of the Force, entities and rings.

Home Team’s 20 Yard Line. . .

The Phoenix Force focuses on Hope Summers.  The two knew that this epic match would come down to what transpires between the pair.  Before the Phoenix Force can battle Summers, Jean Grey-Phoenix enters the fray and attempts to harm the cosmic entity.  Although Grey manages to stall the Force, she is unable to stop in and perishes in the attempt.  The Phoenix Force rips into Summers and Summers controls her body from exploding.  What the Phoenix Force failed to calculate was the effects that Franklin Richards’ powers would have on Summers.  As Summers is about to come apart, the augmented abilities of Richards, combined with her own immense powers, manages to encase the Phoenix Force within her body and soul.  She lashes out at Richards, who is engulfed in the combined mutant-cosmic forces.  Richards holds steadfast for only so long before succumbing to his fate. 

Home Team’s 10 Yard Line. . .

Hal Jordan Parallax battles WLHJ.  The two evenly matched combatants fight one another with a renewed vigor and ferocity since they are enhanced with additional powers and abilities due to a multitude of rings or entities.  Ultimately, WLHJ is victorious in battle.  The rings float from HJP’s dead fingers, looking to reach new Horsemen members. 

Home Team’s Endzone. . .

White Lantern Hal Jordan faces Hope Summers, who now has the combined abilities of the Phoenix Force and Franklin Richards.  The tremendous battle that follows cannot be described due to the ferocity and fury of the combatants.  In the end, Hope Summers’ body is repeatedly battered by WLHJ.  The effect of this barrage is that Hope Summers cannot contain the Phoenix Force anymore.  An immense cosmic explosion engulfs the field as Hope Summers, Phoenix Force and WLHJ are all destroyed.  Luke Skywalker looks above.  The Master Jedi lifts his robe’s cowl above his head and he walks through the endzone’s tunnel.