Consolation 2012 Round 1 - TEAM vs. The Transfoamers

TEAM is: Sgt Mike Shinsky, Wonder Boy, Cock Sneak Goombas #1-6

The Transfoamers are: Buzz Cut, Daria, Stewart, The Burger King, The Wonderpets (Linny, Tuck, Ming Ming, and Ollie) and Hammer Bro #18

TEAM arrives to McDonalds and enters the enclosed playplace to find the Transfoamers are ready and waiting. 

“The ballpit is much smaller than I remember,” says Shinsky to Wonder Boy who is looking strategically up at the structure surrounding the ball pit with all of its tubes, slides and cargo nets.  “You remember the plan?” he continues.

The tiny caveman nods and takes off up one of the slides and disappears into the maze of kid puke and poop filled tunnels above.  Buzz Cut, Daria and Stewart all raise from their pre fight meal and stare at the Iraq war veteran.  The match has seemingly begun.  As Shinsky leads his army of CS Goombas into the ball pit, he notices 4 small animals in the corner are digging in the trash can.  Around the back side of the structure, The Burger King is silently sitting at one of the small tables savoring every bite of his double cheeseburger.

Now in the ball pit, Shinsky and Buzz Cut are doing the typical ‘I am a bigger military bad ass than you’ stare down to each other as the CS Goombas disappear under the surface.

Buzz Cut:  “What are you staring at, maggot?”

Mike Shinsky: “hmmph… Nothing.”

BC: “Is that funny you sissy?  I am going to kick your ass the Marine way!”

Buzz Cut is getting red in the face.

BC: “I’ll even give you the first shot.  KICK ME IN THE JIMMY!”

Without hesitation all 6 Goombas jump up and strike the three former Beavis and Butthead co-stars.  Stewart collapses in pain and crushes CS Goomba #3 as he falls to his knees.  Goomba # 2 then jumps and breaks his nose with a mighty punch causing Stewart to scream as he vanishes into the balls.  Daria, with the advantage of having internal reproductive organs, is seemingly unfazed by the blows and manages to crush Goomba #5 and kick Goomba #6 outside the pit.  Goomba #6 scurries off around the back side of the play structure only to be stomped on by The Burger King who seems annoyed that he had to be taken away from his warm apple pie for a couple of seconds.  He wipes the Goomba juice off his boot with one hand as he continues to jam fries through the hole in his mask. 

Back in the pit, Daria begins to wade through the balls to find and free Stewart.  Buzz Cut who is red in the face, screams in ecstasy.

Buzz Cut:  “AAAAHHHH!  AGAIN!”

Once again he is struck in the nuts by two Goombas and Shinsky seizes his opportunity to get behind the deranged gym teacher and begins to choke him.  As they struggle, a flying plastic try comes swooping with the four Wonderpets on board.  The crafty animals have constructed a fly boat from a discarded cheeseburger wrapper, a straw and 4 cup lids.  They take aim to try and free Buzz Cut from the death grip of the Army brat but as they are about to strike, Goomba #4 jumps up and strikes the tray sending the small pets flying.  The Wonder pets are crushed in the melee and Daria tackles Goomba #4, who is now exposed, outside the pit and steps on his head.  Daria returns to the pit and finally discovers Stewart’s motionless body.  Since his nose was broken and he was screaming like a girl as he fell into the pit, a yellow ball was firmly lodged in his mouth when he landed creating an air tight seal suffocating him to death (and most likely exposing him to countless diseases).  Daria turns just in time to see her other teammate’s lifeless body being released by Shinsky.  Goombas #1 and 2 jump up to punch Daria again and she falls outside the pit as they give chase.  She runs around the side of the structure and is pleased to see Hammer Bro #18 firing shots at them and he strikes and kills Goomba #1.  Wonder Boy who snuck on top, charges at the back of the distracted Hammer bro and they both fall.  Hammer Bro #18’s neck is snapped as it clips the edge of a slide (like that dude hitting the propeller in Titanic) and his flailing body lands on CS Goomba #2 finishing him off as well.  Daria rushes over and grabs Wonder Boy by his tattered clothes and as she is about to do her best Daniel Sepulveda imitation with him, both she and Wonder Boy are shoved through the glass window, cutting them both beyond repair and they bleed out within seconds.

An exhausted Shinsky had finally recovered from his fight with Buzz Cut and killed who he thought was the final member of The Transfoamers.  However, it seems that in all the chaos, he never noticed The Burger King casually eating his meal far superior to one his restaurant could ever produce.  As Shinsky turned around to walk out victorious he jumps back when he is face to face with that CREEPY F*$@ING MASK!  Out of breath, Shinsky notices the light in the room start to fade and a warm sensation come over his chest.  He looks down to see the handle of a McFlurry spoon wedged between two of his ribs, directly into his heart.  Shinsky slides down the wall and falls to the ground.  He watches as his blood pours through the handle of the spoon and he slowly runs the stream of blood through his fingers until the room goes black.