TEAM Vs. Better Than All of You

TEAM is Joe Levine (w/ a heat ax), Carlos Chiappe-Soto (w/ a green lightsaber), and Cock Sneak Goomba #4.

Better Than All of You is Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, Battle Droid #7, and Doozer #15


As the time passes before their meeting with the TEAM coaching staff, there is a significant amount of dissension in the ranks...

“I should obviously be the leader of this squad. After all, I have an extensive background as a diplomat and politician and am much more qualified than any other member of this crew”. Says Carlos to his two teammates. “You also have an extensive background as a gay, and as an individual that I need to s*&t on the face of”. Says Joe in reply. He continues: “The only person here who is qualified to lead this squad is me. Mainly because I don't suck at life nearly as much as you two Butt-Pirates”. This witty banter between the two TEAMmates (and I use that term loosely) continues as they, along with Cock Sneak Goomba #4 walk in to the front office of TEAM Headquarters. TEAM, as they have been all season long is still without a head coach; but they are met by Assistant Coaches The Oracle and Spock, General Manager Griffin Poteracki, and Offensive and Defensive Coordinators Mother Brain and Teletran 1. Spock says: “I understand that there is an issue between the three of you as to who should lead this squad”? “You may each respond, but keep it brief” adds Teletran 1. Carlos responds first: “Yes, I have no idea why the rest of this squad does not see my leadership abilities for what they are. I am the only qualified person among us. If for no other reason, because I am fairly confident that I am the only one in this trio with an I.Q. In the triple digits”. Joe speaks next: “I'm sorry, all I heard was blah blah blah I like to eat d*%k”. Joe then begins doing a bad imitation of Carlos' Peruvian accent and says: I have no idea why the rest of this squad does not see my ability to not suck as much as they do. If for no other reason, I am fairly confident that I am the only one in this trio that has a wenis that can be seen without a microscope”. The Cock Sneak Goomba then politely addresses the coaching staff by saying: It matters not to me who leads this squad, I would just like to work together as a TEAM and have this dissension come to an end”. “Which is exactly why you will be the leader of this squad” says The Oracle. The squad is then immediately dismissed, despite the whines of both Carlos and Joe.

The Better Than All of You Squad has managed to get to Home Depot early, and have already set up a vantage point. With the help of Doozer #15's construction skills; Neidhart has set up a scaffold where he has access to numerous tools and materials to use as weapons against his opponents. When the TEAM trio first enters Home Depot, they are instantly attacked by the Betters sentry Battle Droid #7. “Take cover” yells the C.S. Goomba to his squad, as they all jump behind the counter to avoid the blaster bolts. “Don't tell me what to do goomba” says Carlos. “I'm with you on that for once Chiappe. I'd rather cut my schlong off than listen to this homo” Joe than takes his Eastwing Hammer and launches it at the battle droid, knocking the droid's head off. Carlos then gets out from behind the counter and snatches up Doozer #15 off the ground. The doozer looks at him defiantly and says: “You may kill me now, but you will never get through The Anvil's defenses. You are going to die in this Home Depot”. “Hmmm. That's great. I'm going to step on your face now, for being such a b@#$h”. Says Carlos as he throws the doozer on the ground and does exactly as he promised. “Ha. What a dick”. Says Joe. Carlos then begins putting the head back on the Battle Droid, which prompts Joe to ask: “What the S^&t are you doing Dumba$$”? “Dude, these things are so easy to put back together and reprogram. And we could probably use the extra help”. “That idea is really dumb. Most likely because it came from someone who is really stupid. I am going to go get a hot dog. Let me know when you ladies are actually ready to go kill Neidhart. He's the only enemy remaining, and it can't possibly be that bad”. Says Joe. With that sentence still floating about their ears, they begin to hear a series of deafening crashes from the ladder and heavy equipment department. The three members of TEAM (plus the reprogrammed battle droid that is following Carlos) rush towards the noise, to see Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart perched on top of an enormous scaffold, being held up by two forty foot ladders. He has the ladder feet bolted to the floor with a shelf propped up directly behind him with everything you could ever want to throw off of a ladder at somebody at the ready. The four TEAMsters barely evade a barrage of falling paint cans, by taking cover behind a stack of O.S.B. Joe turns to his squad and says: “Holy S&^T!! There's no way I can get through this barrage of bull*&t, especially with this group of gaywads backing me up”. “Your slow-a&& would trip and fall right in to his attack before we even got the chance to screw it up. So stop being a b&*^h. Replies Carlos. The two of them begin to bicker some more when the C.S.Goomba chimes in quickly and forcefully:

“SHUT UP!! Listen up you punks, the coaches put me in charge and that is how it is going to be. I sick of your mouths and the crap that is coming out of them. Now here is the plan... Battle Droid, you bounce back about twenty feet, and take cover behind the C.D.X. From there you can lay down a suppressing fire and keep Neidhart busy. Carlos: you're the Peruvian Madman, so make a mad dash towards the other side of the shelving, and climb up behind him. I'll be down here on the ground trying to draw his attacks away from all of you... And Joe... SMASH”!!

The Anvil gets sick of the laser blasts from his old teammate the battle droid and is able to take off the battle droid's head once again with a sailing Vaughn Hatchet (he would have preferred a Plumb Hatchet like everybody else in the world, but Home Depot still doesn't carry them). Joe is going crazy with his Heat Ax to break through the stacks of wood and debris that are protecting the bolted down feet of Jim's ladders while Carlos is getting closer and closer to the top. Just as he had planned the c.s. Goomba is taking the brunt of the attacks from down below, but thus far has evaded them all. It isn't until The Anvil pulls out the Dewalt stick nailer and starts firing down #16's at him that he starts to get hit. The new and improved goomba is slowed down by being stuck with so many nails; but isn't finished off until Neidhart throws the entire Emglo Compressor down on top of him. Now the finally united TEAM becomes totally enraged at seeing the death of the guy that brought them all together. Joe begins swinging his heat ax wildly and uses it to cast Blaze Level 2 which ignites half of the building in flames. Carlos has reached the top of the buildings steel rafters and makes a daring leap on to the scaffold. He now stands face to face with the pro wrestler. Carlos ignites his lightsaber, but it isn't enough, because before he can truly steady himself, The Anvil launches a bag of dried mortar at Carlos and sends him plummeting to his doom. Joe screams “NOOOOO” as he leaps up from a piece of burning treated lumber and uses his ax to slice through the tenth rung on Jim's ladder. The entire scaffold begins to shake, when Joe puts his shoulder in to it and sends the two ladders falling, with the pick and Neidhart on it coming down hard. The Anvil is down on the ground laying on a knocked over pallet of tar paper, when he comes to for a brief second to see Joe dropping his heat ax and grabbing his hammer, which goes by the name of Phoenix. Joe says: “In case you were wondering B&*(^ch, nobody messes with my gay TEAMmates but me”. Joe then drives his claw hammer in to the dome of Neidhart and walks out of the burning building alone.