A Royal Shitkicking: Finale

The Shebamala Shit-Kickers are: Real Man, Superior Spider-Man, Ric Flair with blue lightsaber, and Triple H with red lightsaber

The Royal Highness are: Metron, Professor X, Col. Sanders, and NFG Mike w/green lightsaber

 

"Please, please let me out of here" sniffs the voice in a stasis cell. It's hairy fingers grip the bars. "I keep telling you, I'm just an accountant. I only have the powers of a regular man" DC Spiderman wails to himself. 

 

He hears footsteps. 

"Dude. They keep him in a cage? That's some bull. I'm gonna have to talk to Kang about how he treats people." says NFG Mike as he unlocks the cell of Kang's latest monstrosity. A human sized spider, which has had it's eight legs joined into two arms and two legs, it's torso extended to appear human-like, and the ghastly face of a spider which has morphed into a humanesque abominations. It's too much for NFG and he pukes all over the floor.

"Quickly. Put these on." says Professor X. He tosses DC Spiderman a pile of clothing. The creature begins to put on the clothing.  As he pulls on his green pants, an alarm screams out on Xavier's chair.

"Something's gone wrong. Sorry, son." says Xavier as he puts on a helmet and flicks a switch. 

"Sorry? Sorry for what? What's happening" cries out the green jumpsuited Spiderman. When he's hit in the forehead with the blast form Xavier's helmet. He slumps to the corner.

"WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT?" screams NFG 

"It's Kang's emergency contingent. Something's gone wrong" explains Xavier "Now hurry, I fear we've been..."

"REAL MAN IN THE HOUSE!!!" screams Real Man as he leads the remaining Shit-Kickers into battle.

"Remember the plan. As long as you do as I say, we shall win. The brilliance of O-er our team will not be denied." says the Superior Spider-Man. "Triple H, now." With that, the Game slams his transformation potion. 

"Now they'll see what the CEREBRAL ASSASSIN can do" growls Helmsley as they rush to their final battle.

 

"I can sense a few of them, but for some reason I cannot read the thoughts of Spider-Man" says Xavier. "It's just some wrestlers and an internet troll. We should be fine."

 

"Ah say, ah say. Wut's an inter net troll, did yew say?" asks the Colonel as he draws a sword out of his cane.

 

"It's just some dick who needs his ass kicked" growls NFG as his blazes his green lightsaber. 

 

"YOU ARE THE DICK AND IF THERE'S ONE THING REAL MAN CAN DO IT'S BEAT A DICK"  screams Real Man as he runs in."SO SAYS REAL MAN"

 

"Ah say, it's not gentlemanly to rush into a man's base uneenvitahed, you rapscallion. Have at thee." Colonel Sanders lunges, but Real Man dodges the blow and kicks Sanders in the balls. He then grabs the sword and stabs Sanders in the throat

"BOSTON MARKET IS A FAR SUPERIOR PRODUCT. IT GIVES ONE FAR LESS DIARRHEA, AND IF THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW, IT'S S**T. SO SAYS REAL MAN."

"Shut up already" says NFG  who uses his lightsaber to easily cut through Real Man's stolen weapon.

"FOOL. REAL MAN HAS LIGHTSABER BATTLE WITH NONE OTHER THAN HUGH PERKINS, YOU  POSE NO THREAT TO HIM. REAL MAN INSTEAD CHALLENGES YOU TO FIGHT HIM LIKE A REAL MAN. FIST TO FIST. SO SAYS REAL MAN" Real Man then puts up his dukes like a 30's style boxer. 

"However you want it Eric, however you want it." NFG  in turn puts up his dukes and the two begins to circle each other. 

As this is going on, the remaining shitkickers enter the bunker. Xavier puts his hand to his head and concentrates. 

"Why, why can't I.."

"Mental shielding, got the idea from an old fri-uh enemy of mine. Magneto." smiles the Superior Spider-Man "Hunter, if you would."

Triple H then raises a hand to his temple and emits a green light, which strikes Xavier in the head.

"Duhr, why me no can think?" sputters Xavier 

"You've been cerebrally assassinated, friend-o" smirks Trips "Now, let me show you what happens when you mess with the king of kings" With that, Triple H yanks Xavier out of his wheelchair and gives him a mighty pedigree killing Xavier.

"Wow. You attacked a cripple, I'm impressed" says Spider-Man

"You must not have watched alot of what I did in the Attitude Era, this is tame compared to some of the stuff I did back then." 

"AND NOW IS TIME TO ATONE TO A GOD FOR YOUR SINS" roars the voice of Metron as he booms into the bunker he incinerates Triple H where he stands and focuses on Superior Spider-Man

"Now, Octavious. You shall see what happens when you cross a GOD" 

"WHOOOOOOOOOOO" booms the voice of Ric Flair. Metron turns to face him as Spidey slips away.

"Ah, the little 'Nature Boy' tell me, have you also partaken in the magic elixir your fallen brethren have? They obviously forgot the first rule of magic. It always comes with a price. And unfortunately, that price is their meager lives."

Flair pulls out the bottle and smashes it to the floor.  "Brother. I don't need a potion to transform me. I am what I always have been. And that is a WRESTLING GOD! WHOOOOO!"  Flair leaps to the air and knocks Metron out of his chair. They crash to the ground. Flair then grabs Metrons legs, and does his set up dance to the figure four. He locks it in and Metron screams out in pain. 

"Please, MAKE IT STOP HURTING!" screams Metron.

"Whatever you say, brother" Flair replies and drives his lightsaber into Metron's chest. "TO be the man, you gotta beat the man! WH- urgh." Flair sputters as a green lightsaber tip pierces his throat.

"I....puff... just kicked the shit out of a real man." pants NFG as we see Real Man lying in a heap. "So, I guess I'm no longer the new guy. I'm now the man. Sorry, naitch."

"Th-thank...you." whispers Flair as he dies. Proud that in his final moments he's done what many men dream of doing, he fought a God and won.

"Feh. Pathetic" spits the Superior Spider-Man "THIS is what remains of your team. A mere man? I shall enjoy this." He backhands NFG and sends him sprawling to the ground. "Says farewell, but take solace in the fact that you were felled by a Superior..."

"And you dare to say MY ego was out of control" booms a voice

"Ah, the Delta Central Spiderman, or DC as you're known." snarls the Superior Spider-Man. He turns to the owner of the Highness "Watch what happens when you mock the real deal" Spider-Man rushes forward and goes to unleash his superior spider strength on the inferior man strength of spiderman, just as he's goes to connect with a deathblow, there's a sickening CRACK as Superior Spider-Man's hand breaks.

"Come, come Otto. You think I wouldn't know you'd hack my systems? You think I would allow myself to perish on the Enterprise as it crashed into the sun?"

"Wait, what happened to the Enterprise??" says NFG as he struggles to his feet.

"Im-possible! You're a JOKE. You're the DC SPIDERMAN!!" screams Spider-Man.

"Yes, but in your arrogance you overlooked the obvious. Delta Central is one set of initials, and one I knew you'd swallow as you basked in your cleverness hacking the Royal Highness systems. But their system isn't all that's in MY system. If you'd gotten to MY system you'd have seen that Delta Central was the coding, but not the identity. The DC stands for 'Disguised Conqueror' Spiderman."

"KANG!' screams out the outsmarted Superior Spider-Man, as DC Spiderman puts on the mask Xavier gave him, the mask of Kang the Conqueror. This is the final straw. Superior Spider-Man screams out and leaps toward the man who outsmarted him. DC Spiderman coolly extends his palm and blasts the madman, killing him and the undefeated streak of the Shit-Kickers.

"Fool. Never count out Kang." sneers the Conqueror in his new body. "The Playoff Planet shall always belong to KANG!"

 

"Yeah, yeah. Great." says NFG as he stumbles over to his newest player. "But, dude. WHAT THE F**K DID YOU DO TO THE ENTERPRISE???!!!!"