Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse Vs. Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers

Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse is Mogo, Ranx: The Sentient City, Princess Leia Organa in a Stealth X-Wing, Ruskal Kin in a Stealth X-Wing, Han Solo: Rogue Jedi and Manhunter #3 (Centra) in an A-Wing, Cosmic Spider-Man, Yellow and Orange Ringed Hal Jordan, Red and Star Sapphired Guy Gardner, Indigo ringed John Stewart, Blue Ringed Kyle Rayner (w/ Ion's green lantern ring), White Lantern Abin Sur, Yellow Lantern Bryan Beckerman, Zombie General Zod, Mickey Mouse (w/ Legion Flight Ring), Donald Duck (w/ red lantern ring), Super Dinosaur, Widget the World Watcher, and Red Lantern #3.

Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers are The Guardians of The Galaxy: Major Vance Astro, Charlie 27, Martinex, Yondo, Starhawk, Nikki, Aleta, Star Lord, Groot, Drax the Destroyer, Gamora, and Rocket Racoon in Ship, Deathstorm, Amon Sur, Black Alice, Vampire Sinestro, Dr. Light, The Stranger, Proteus, Caira the Oldstrong, Magik, Vampire Yoda and Yaddle in a Tie Bomber, Gwar: Techno Destructo (w/ a red lightsaber), Bozzo Destructo, Bonesnapper, Cardinal Sin, Jewcifer, Zog, Gor Gor, and Johnny Rotten w/ King Godirah in a Cybertronian Spaceship, Fantastic Max in a Tie Interceptor, and FX in a Tie Interceptor.


Is Robimus gone?? Oh he is?? Are you sure?? Well, no I don't actually read the matches from week to week, I mean there are a lot of them, and some of them are really long but if you say Robimus is dead, than I guess I believe you. Yeah, I'll watch the match. I'll start right now, who put a gerbil up your a** anyway?? …


Haaaaaaaaiiiiaaaaayy it's the Neon Master Pogo here to rock y'all with another match. This week, we are in space and it looks like we have the battle of the really big ships vs. the really big dudes. I mean what are those guys planets?? Oh.... Oh, they are planets. Neato gang... Neato. Well, anyway let's get down to it. It appears that Han Solo has cut off the head of his own teammate Manhunter #3 and stuck it in the back of his A-Wing, since he was not provided with an astro-droid to assist him in operating it (seems harsh, but I guess you gotta work with what ya got). Major Vance Astro, has taken it upon himself to lead The Guardians of The Galaxy against the likes of Mogo, feeling that this monster threat must be eliminated quick in order to secure a victory against this stacked Grindhouse squad. The Gwar B-Team has decided to follow suit and take their huge ship in against Ranx. The three small ships from each team are locked in a dog fight out in open space, while Caira the Oldstrong waits patiently on a small asteroid for a Grindhouse head to pound in. Caira attempts to grab a hold of Cosmic Spider-Man as he flies by, but this version of the webslinger is not only faster; but actually stronger than Hulk's Ol' Lady. He pushes her back with a blast of web-lined cosmic energy and then precedes to bash in her skull. Kyle's blue ring charges up his own green ring, but surprisingly his former ring of Ion is the only green ring in this battle to charge (weird, right?? I thought everybody had a green lantern ring these days). I transport Super Dinosaur, Widget the World Watcher, and Red Lantern #3 onto Gwar's Cybertronian spaceship, because I'm the Neon Master Pogo; and sometimes I feel like doing stuff like that. We shall return to that battle shortly. Magik is teleporting in and out of Limbo to avoid her attack; and doing quite a good job of it; but Zombie General Zod doesn't even realize how evasive she is. To him her brains taste the same as every other bit of brain he has ever eaten... AWESOME. He makes a similar meal out Dr. Light whose power set is not all that conducive to a space setting and have very little affect on a zombified Kryptonian anyway. Unfortunately for Black Alice, none of the lanterns on The Grindhouse have “magical” powers so she is unable to do much damage with no powers to steal (where's Alan Scott when ya need him). Yellow lantern Becks says some inane stuff to the Gotham City native in a vain attempt to spit gain. He lets her know that “her magic is working on him after all” and that she has been “flying through his mind all day” (pick-up altered for use in space). Becks, not so shockingly fails in his attempt to hook up with the young magic user; but succeeds in blasting a hole through her face with some yellow energy. Indigo John and Blue/Green Kyle surround Vampire Sinestro for the double-team because they realize that he is a much cooler lantern character than either of them will ever be (sorry Seney and Goof, The Pogster is still an old school Rayner-hater too). Yellow/Orange Hal is not far away battling Amon Sur, and Red/Pink Guy is side by side with Jordan locked in a vicious battle with Deathstorm. Proteus attempts to take over the body of Cosmic Spider-Man; but before he can White Lantern Abin Sur uses his ring to begin to bring back from the dead all of the bodies and memories that Proteus has destroyed through his years of inhabiting them. Proteus cannot withstand the overload in his power set and ceases to exist. Gardner uses a red energy ax and pink energy spear (I know it's not supposed to be called pink; but I prefer saying pink,... So there). He uses these combined lantern powers to jack up Deathstorm, with a vicious spear stab and ax-hack combo that only a red energy powered Guy could pull off. Amon Sur attempts a fear construct of a plane crashing in to Hal; but Jordan proves that he is the best lantern around regardless of what ring or rings he is wearing. He b^*(ch slaps Amon Sur with a yellow constructed hand and then finishes off Amon Sur with an orange powered punch to the face. Vampire Sinestro sinks his lantern-fueled teeth into the neck of Indigo Stewart; but while he is enjoying his meal Rayner blasts him with his double-powered Ion ring to avenge his buddy. The Stranger uses his immense cosmic abilities to make Becks, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Kyle Rayner start furiously masturbating with their left hands (that's why he's called “The Stranger”, right??). All four combatants at first have trouble finding their undersized wieners in the cold of space; but eventually they make good on the effort and continue this exercise until they die of exhaustion (now let's see if Becks still reads all the matches every week, I'm dying to hear him or Pablo's retort to this one). White Lantern Abin Sur attempts to avenge his teammates; but The Stranger kidnaps him and then molests him after he gave him some candy... Reminding him and everybody else to never talk to strangers. The candy was also special white lantern killing poison so it killed him (how's that for a super-creative way to kill a white lantern... Oh, that's dumb and not creative... Oh well, it happened anyway). Cosmic Spider-Man than gets really pro-active about the whole Stranger problem and starts a friendly neighborhood watch. He puts one of those creepy signs up on a local asteroid and plans a meeting at the school board where Abin Sur's parents show up and tell us that we shouldn't have guns and that the government needs to do something about this. Then, secretly in the middle of the night Cosmic Spider-Man and Zombie Zod go over to The Stranger's house with torches and burn it down and then while he is running away they bash his head with a pair of tire irons and bury his body in the back field (the space back field that is??). Everybody in the neighborhood knows where he is buried by they never tell the authorities... At least the kids are safe...

When it comes to flying ships, Yoda and Yaddle are awesome jedis. They may have a significantly better understanding of the force than Rogue Solo; but his faster ship and superior dog-fighting skills allow him to easily get behind The Tie Bomber and take it out. Yaddle hits the eject mechanism just in time and they land on a small panetoid safely (you know how the round part of the ship comes out, like in the toy even though hundreds of them blow up in the movies without that ever happening). Ruskal Kin is locked in a dogfight with Fantastic Max when FX flies into the middle of them to create a diversion. Kin targets FX's ship with a proton torpedo and blasts off the wing of FX's Tie Interceptor. But Kin underestimates his opponents and doesn't realize that in the split second that he was battling FX that: (come on everybody sing)...

“Along came Max and the fun time started he laughed until Ruskal Kin cried. And it all depends on that 4 ply diaper, he's our kind of guy. He's tops, I mean terrific I don't know another word that says it so specific. Now along came Max with a targeting computer and some Hella Imperial Tech and then killed Ruskal Kin blew his ship to Heck.... IT'S MAX”!!

Princess Leia tries to turn down the radio in her X-Wing; but she realizes that it is just me singing, and that her X-Wing doesn't have a radio. She then uses an advanced missile to blow up Fantastic Max's ship. FX and Max are now free-floating in space seemingly to their doom when Max grabs a hold of a small piece of shrapnel and FX yells: “Rock and Roll”. They piece of garbage become a small ship that FX and Mas are now both inside of. Leia doesn't notice that they survived this and flies off to where she is needed in the battle.

Vampire Yoda and Yaddle climb out of the Tie Bomber wreckage and begin to get their bearings on the small planetoid. For hundreds of years Yoda sat on the Jedi Council with Yaddle and had to suppress the urges to want to get busy with this fine piece of Whil A**; but now he must suppress the urge to bite her neck and suck every bit of blood out of the little green Jedi. But control is Yoda's middle name (it really is, his name is Yoda Control Johnson of the East Coast Johnsons. What?!!? It isn't any dumber than some of the Star Wars stuff Disney is making up). The two little Jedi Masters have no flight capability, so they must sit and wait patiently, for the battle to come to them. And come to them it does. Both Cosmic Spider-Man and Zombie Zod (how about Zodbie?? What you guys think?? No, too silly?? Okay, fine it's dead let's forget all about Zodbie, we'll just roll with Zombie Zod... Naysayers). The two of them fly in fast with Cosmic Spidey doing all of the talking accept for the occassional: “Braaaaaaaains” from Zodbie (see what I did there, I said I wasn't gonna go with it and then I did anyway). Cosmic Spider-Man blasts some energy at Yoda; but is shocked when the vampire jedi blocks it with his lightsaber. Yoda redirects the energy with his own added force power (this whole vampire thing seems to be making him a bit lax on the whole “don't use the force for attack thing”). Cosmic Spidey then spontaneously combusts from the power. Vampire Yoda is only drained from this for a second; but that is enough time for Zodbie to fry him with an intense blast of Zombie heat vision (also known as Zeat Vision... Okay, fine. I'll stop). This enrages Yaddle to see the vampire version of her idol destroyed and lightsaber spin-attacks Zodbie back into the graveyard. Yaddle stands on the small planetoid victorious for a moment. But Leia takes the easy way out, she simply targets the entire planetoid with concussion missiles and blows it and Yaddle to pieces.

Super Dinosaur, Widget, and the dog-faced alien known as Nelson (that's Red Lantern #3) have been wandering the Cybertronian space ship for hours. They finally stumble upon the gathering area where Gwar and King Godirah are partying. They are all smoking space crack and eating homeless and homosexual alien body parts when they see Widget walk through the door. Nobody notices that this happens until they are grown up; but the mere sight of the cute little world watcher brain washes everybody in Gwar. They start whining about what their actions are doing to the environment and then they go all activist. They start cleaning up the ship and talking about their carbon foot prints; and next thing you know they are voting straight democrat, and only killing babies when they are still in the womb (and not even eating them anymore). Bozzo Destructo is reading a copy of Communist Manifesto, which prompts him to say things like: “Ya know, it really is a great system on paper. If only we could find a way to execute it in society”. Super Dinosaur then eats Gor Gor and then King Godirah eats him; but everybody is okay with it because that is the natural order of things. It is actually just the fault of corporate America that they got eaten in the first place. Nelson the Red Lantern gets so angry at the fossil fuels that are being burnt by the ship that he blows up the thrusters and leaves it free-floating (or does he have an ulterior motive????)? Then King Godirah eats him too. While Johnny Rotten and Zog are sipping Latte's and discussing how much they love paying taxes they don't realize that now that the ship's thrusters are destroyed, there is nothing to keep them from floating in to Ranx. Ranx annihilates the entire ship and everybody in it with a huge blast of yellow energy; which of course is horrible for the environment, because it was yellow instead of green. Widget is collateral damage in this attack and worst of all dies not knowing whether the blast was the fault of George W. Bush, Mitt Romney, or The Tea Party.

As The Guardians of the Galaxy make their attack on Mogo, Ranx just thinks that he is out of trouble. Fantastic Max, in a last ditch effort has flown in to Ranx's core and has parked his garbage ship in the center. FX is a little leery of this plan but Max says: “Come on FX, it'll be fun”. FX replies, “you know we aren't going to live through this right”? “No big deal buddy, we'll be brought back next week”. Says Max. “Speak for yourself” FX says to Max and then says to himself: “I sure wish he knew how to count to ten... Well, here goes nothing”. FX then starts to repeatedly yell “Rock and Roll, Rock and Roll, Rock and Roll”. Until the spiky little garbage ship grows and grows so large that it destroys Ranx from the inside.

R.I.P. FX...

Yeah, FX and Fantastic Max just killed Ranx the Sentient City. Take a second to deal with it...

Okay, back to the match.

Major Vance Astro, Star Lord, and Rocket Raccoon develop a plan to take out Mogo; but they realize that in order to do this that nobody on their team will survive, and that they will lose the match anyway; because they are all that remain of the Dope Fiends. Star Lord begins to turn around the ship when Rocket Raccoon says: “Ya know, I think we should just do it anyway”... A series of “I'm down” and “why not” are heard throughout the ship. Charlie 27 opens a bottle of champagne and they execute the plan.

The plan is crashing Ship into Mogo... It works... Mogo dies, but...