S6W5 – TEAM vs BB Presents: MM Grindhouse

TEAM is:

Red Sun Superman, Lor Zod (Chris Kent), Supergirl (Linda Danavers), Crime Syndicate: (Owlman, Power Ring, Johnny Quick, White Martian, Barracuda), Justice Legion Alpha: (Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Aquaman, Hourman), Solaris, The Tyrant Sun, Galactiac, Duke Nukem, Blake Stone, Gladiator Voltron, Mr. Myiagi, Angus MacGuyver (W/ Red Lightsaber), Manwe, Ulmo, Orome, Mandos, Cock Sneak Goomba #9 – 10, Kwisatz Haderach Chris Artrip, and Star Sapphire Julie Artrip

Grindhouse is:

Mogo, Birdbrain, Bristleback, Scowl, Icepick, Slog and Wildfly (Monstructor), Titan Maximum (9 deaths), Ranx the Sentient City, Super Dinosaur, Sith Lord Mike Sroka: Darth Simaless, Fear Lantern Brian Beckerman, Wizard Nick Houslander w/ flesh rotting disease gun and golem creating gun, Chris Seeney w/red lantern ring, Geoff Johns w/healing factor gun, Siren, Xebel Soldiers #15-19, Sandworms #11, 12, Han Solo:Rogue Jedi in an A-Wing fighter, Zombie Doomsday, White Lantern Abin Sur, The Zombie Priest, Guy Gardner-Warrior w/blue lantern ring, Fighter Pilot Princess Leia in Stealth X-Wing fighter, Dementor #8- 30, Goro w/yellow lantern ring w/2 of his 4 arms missing, Scrappy Doo w/blue lightsaber (9 deaths), Neo-Cymek #18 "Ed", Widget the World Watcher.

It has taken me two weeks to write this match, but I have an excuse. I resurrected Ron Popeil from the graveyard to help me work on a new and more efficient way of transporting the teams into battle. What we came up with is basically a giant clear sphere. It isn't like that stupid Michael Crichton sphere but imagine a large hamster ball (except with a bunch of different floors and levels) that will take the teams through time and space all whilst providing an unobstructed view from its exterior shell. It is also expandable in size to accommodate those pesky big point weeks. Here is the best part, since I was the very first person to order it, Ron is doubling the offer for the same price! Works out well since each week I watch two teams... Well, almost every week *cough* ROB *cough*. If any of the other watchers prefer to upgrade their team transportation into the 35^th century, stroll on over to The Graveyard and squirt a little deposit on Ronny's headstone and tell him Fizzatu sent you. He'll hook you up with friend prices. Now on to the show:

Ok here is the deal. Both teams started these giant planets & suns and ruined my inaugural run of the T-Ron's-Porter 3000. So Solarus, Mogo, and Ranx the Sentient City had to be transported to the Playoff Planet the old fashioned way. Even Galactiac could not fit inside and had to go with teammate Solarus. The rest of the teams got to ride in style as they were pampered, wined and dined in state of the art luxury. 

Abord TEAM's shuttle, JLA: Aquaman is hanging out in the hot tub with JLA: Wonder Woman. She has had one too many complementary mimosas and Aquaman likes where this is going. He has been spitting game for hours and he has finally convinced her to lose the top. Just as she is about to, Blake Stone comes in for the cock block and the ladies leave for the bar. He “fertilizes some eggs” in the hot tub then heads over to the pool to sleep. Once in the bar, the ladies find Lor Zod (Chris Kent) belting out Bon Jovi on the Karaoke machine as Red Sun Superman shakes his head in embarassment. Mr. Myiagi is in the corner showing Supergirl how to “wax it off” and the Cock Sneak Goombas repeatedly try to bust through Duke Nukem's balls of steel. Johnny Quick and Flash are having races around the room with Owlman as the judge. The only problem is that everytime Owlman tells them to start they immediately ask him who won and the three are growing annoyed with each other. Every member of TEAM is inebriated and no one seems to care that they have a match to fight soon.

Abord the Grindhouse transport, the air is not filled with excitement. There is a party inside though... A War Party! The entire team has assembled together and are discussing strategies. Darth Simaless sits shaking in the corner of the room.

“Simm. Simmy. Sim my mim. Murrenthal” he mutters incoherently.

“Ok, he has been spewing that shit the entire trip!” Chris Seeney says.

“That's all he ever says.” Wizard Nick Houslander replies. “For 20 years its been 'Sim this' or 'Hey Nick, do you know what Tim said?' ”

“Someone shut him up!” Yells the enraged GM.

Fear Lantern Bryan Beckerman is up to the test and screams right in Sroka's face. “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” and then relieves him of his head so quickly, you would think he was a waitress at Denny's.

Beckerman turns to see his entire team staring at him. He then turns to Seeney who is holding out a gag in his hand.

“Not exactly what I had in mind”, he says.

The conversation quickly turns back to the battle ahead. Which players will be going to what parts of the planet when they arrive. Who to look out for on TEAM. Fighters are grouped together to play to each others strengths. Seeney proves to be a true mastermind for war. He can command this army to end lives with the power of his words. Yet ending lives is not on this man's mind today. Saving one is. Just one life, that's all that needs to survive and Seeney knows he will be victorious.

“And now for the last part of the plan.” Chris says as he sets a small wooden box on the center of the table.

“What's that?” Zombie Doomsday asks as he snacks loudly on the brains of Darth Simaless.

Seeney smiles to himself and quietly replies, “It's her... salvation...”

The ships are notified that they are nearing the playoff planet and to prepare for final entry. The TEAM shuttle hollers with delight and everyone does a shot. Everyone on the Grindhouse shuttle straps in, checks the levels, makes sure the shields are charged, and the trash depots are jettisoned into space. Silence fills the cabin and Seeney looks down at the wooden box clutched tightly in his hands. The shuttles begin to shake and then moments later, are thrust directly where the playoff planet should be.

Panic takes over both ships. The playoff planet is gone and everyone is blinded by the intense light and heat given off as the superpowers of Mogo, Solarus, and Ranx all combine into one massive ball of energy between the three of them where the playoff planet once rested. Galactiac is trying to control Mogo but Solarus can feel the fight draining from him and uses his last bit of energy to fling his teammate far from the explosion that engulfs these three giant beasts. The shockwave can be felt instantly over both transports as the flesh begins to melt off the combatants trapped inside these coffins. Seeney uses his red ring to create an igloo of energy above him to shield him from the blast and he fumbles with the box with his free hand, trying to free its contents.

Galactiac has recovered and is flying back toward the chaos. He races toward the round ship that holds the dying Grindhouse members. Just as Galactiac swallows the ship whole, Seeney manages to open the box and raises the rock that was inside it above his head. Galactiac is satisfied with his snack but once he is finished, he looks up to see the ship of TEAM barreling uncontrollably toward him. The bodies of Red Sun Superman, Lor Zod, and Super Girl are stuck to the inside wall of TEAM's hamster ball, unable to move, drawn by the power of the Magno-Kryptonite inside his bulging belly. The ship of TEAM collides into the stomach of Galactiac with such force that it makes the last explosion feel like a fart.

Silence returns, and nothing moves except the corpses and debris slowly floating off into the never ending vastness of space.

Thousands of Parsecs away, floating with the garbage released by the Grindhouse spacecraft, the boosters on an A-Wing light up. Deep down, Han Solo has always fought for himself. Combine that with being the best smuggler in the galaxy (save Mal Reynolds, of course), and Seeney knew Solo was the only man for this mission. The only man who could keep safe and deliver his most beautiful of victories. Han fires up the engines and the soft hum lulls baby Norah to sleep as the two of them fly home.