Season Six: Consolation Round 1: The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midget's vs Real Man's Rabblerousers

The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midget’s: Gwildore (w/ The Cosmic Key), Blue Toad, Yellow Toad and Smurf #3. Mystery Date is ???

Real Man’s Rabblerousers: Agent Phil Coulson w/destroyer gun and Maria Hill w/jet pack. Mystery Date is ???

At the Rabblerousers Headquarters:

Agent Coulson: I’m going where?

Jules Winnfield: I told you already, don’t make me repeat myself.

Maria Hill: There has to be somebody else you can send. What about Veronica?

Veronica Mars: Hey, just because I'm a teenager does not mean I have any desire to go to Prom.

Agent Coulson: I bet your opinion on the subject would differ if Logan were all of a sudden available.

Veronica Mars: Well, luckily for me that isn’t likely to happen on such short notice.

Agent Coulson: Sir, Maria does have a point. I have not been to a dance in a quarter of a century and I imagine it has been close to twenty years for Ms. Hill as well.

Maria Hill: Excuse me Phil, twenty years?

Agent Coulson: Seventeen?

Maria gives him a snide look and turns back to start it up again with Jules when he cuts her off.

Jules Winfield: Listen Maria, Phil; I am not asking for your permission. You are both going to prom and that is the end of it. Now get back to your quarters and get ready to dance your Asses off. I won’t be asking you again.

Maria Hill: Yes sir but I promise you this; I will not enjoy even a single moment of this night.

Jules Winfield: Not my problem Ms. Hill, not my problem. Oh and by the way, somebody else will be meeting you there.

Agent Coulson: Somebody else? Who?

Jules Winfield: Hell if I know, I just read the memo. Have fun.

Maria Hill: I cannot believe we have to do this.

Agent Couslon: We play on the Rabblerousers Maria; us having to go to a school dance should be the highlight of our season.

Maria Hill: It’s just a waste of our talents Phil.

Agent Coulson: Okay Lebron.

Maria Hill: You can’t possibly be fine with this.

Agent Coulson: I learned a long time ago complaining in this league never leads to anything. What we want personally is irrelevant and you know that better then anyone here. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go find Vincent and see if he has a suit I can borrow.

Maria Hill: Vincent Vega? You’ll look your wearing your father’s suit.

Agent Coulson: Agent Hill, you are caring entirely too much about this match. Is there something else on your mind?

Maria Hill: No I’m fine. I need to get ready myself.

Agent Coulson: See you back here in a half hour.

Maria Hill: (Broadcasting a faux smile) With bells on!

Maria then sulks around for a minute while biting her nails and begins to walk back to her quarters when Veronica Mars runs up next to her.

Veronica: Okay Maria, what’s up? I know questions are your thing but this is excessive even for you.

Maria: It’s just a waste. Why would they send me to this thing? I should be in the field.

Veronica: This couldn’t possibly have anything to do with Prom could it?

Maria: No.

Veronica: Could that no be spelled Y.E.S?

Maria: Leave me alone Vicky.

Veronica: (A huge smile on her face now) Oh, it is Prom. What happened?

Maria: It’s not Prom.

Veronica: Oh no, it is Prom and you are under the impression you have a choice in whether or not your going to talk, so talk.

Maria: I will say this; you live up to your reputation.

Veronica: Compliments will get you everywhere Maria but they are not getting you out of telling me this story.

Maria: Fine. His name was Teddy…

Veronica: Ooh Teddy, he sounds cute.

Maria: (Laughs) You’re not making this easy.

Veronica: Now why would I ever make it easy? So Teddy asked you out and you went out and bought the cutest blue and pink dress you could afford and then what? Did he take your innocence Maria? Could he really have been that bad? Or maybe you were that bad.

Maria: Can you please stop.

Veronica: Fine, continue.

Maria: Yes Teddy asked me out and I did go out and buy the cutest purple actually, and pink dress I could afford. And yes, I probably would have given him my innocence if I still had it.

Veronica: You know Maria, Pre-Marital sex is a sin.

Maria: Anyways, we were all meeting at a friends house because we…

Veronica: Got a limo, blah blah blah, I can fill in the gaps.

Maria: (Annoyed but fully committed to finishing the story) We were all there, waiting for him to show when…

Veronica: He stood you up didn’t he?

Maria: Would you let me finish?

Veronica: Please do.

Maria: No, he did not stand me up. It was far worse then that. He pulls up in his black Camaro and I’m all excited because, well, because I was. He parks the car and gets out. I wave to him admittedly like a loser and he has this look on his face, first of confusion and then of pure horror.

Veronica: He forgot what you looked like didn’t he? He wasn’t too thrilled with what he was seeing was he?

Maria: You’re a bitch. (Pauses) As soon as I recognized the look of horror I see his passenger door open and out comes Mandy Fischer, wearing the tightest black dress you could possibly imagine. I don’t remember much after that other then dragging my house key across the entire drivers side of his car.

Veronica: So Teddy…

Maria: Schneider.

Veronica: So Teddy Schneider shows up to Prom with the Sluttiest girl in school and forgets that he has already asked you out. Then you completely meltdown, key his car, attend Stanford University and go on to become a top ranking field agent for S.H.I.E.L.D who’s main fear in life is still the prospect of going to another Prom?

Maria: No, but when you say it like that it sounds believable.

Veronica: That’s because it’s true. Now let’s go find the Furies and get you into something that nobody will soon forgot. Seriously, Phil won’t know what hit him.

Maria: I’m not into Agent Coulson.

Veronica: Okay, keep telling yourself that.

I could describe the following montage but in the spirit of haste (I know, too late) just picture Maria trying on different dresses while looking miserable as Veronica and the Female Furies constantly pierce their lips and shake their heads ‘No’ until they finally find the perfect dress for Maria. Then it is all smiles and looks of satisfaction on their faces all the while, “Suddenly I See” by KT Tunstall plays in the background.

Lashina: Okay Maria, what do you think?

Maria: I can’t believe it girls, this is incredible! (Wipes tears away from her eyes) I am…speechless.

Gilotina: Nobody ever remembers that we were stationed in Paris for seven years back in the 1980’s. When it comes to fashion statements, nobody does it better then the Female Furies!

Veronica Mars: Well Maria, I don’t think there is a Teddy in the world right now that wouldn’t beg to take you out tonight.

Maria: Is it sad that this is the happiest I have been all season.

Veronica: We play for Real Man, it would be sad if it wasn’t the happiest moment of the year.

Granny Goodness: Don’t forget the shoes honey, no girl of ours is going out in anything less then perfect.

Maria: You know what girls, you just made this cold-hearted agent feel like the prettiest 16 year-old girl in the world.

Veronica: Well, isn’t that all any of us ever want?

Maria: Yes Veronica, it really is.

Krisatu: Okay stop, what are doing?

Nickatu: What? Writing the match.

Krisatu: This isn’t a match. You are writing the single gayest piece of fan fiction I have read this week. And what, the female furies are now fashionistas from Paris?

Nickatu: I mean, they could be.

Krisatu: No they couldn’t. You also turned Maria Hill into; I don’t even know what you’re doing with her.

Nickatu: I tried to imagine if Lindsay from “Freaks and Geeks” turned out to be Ally McBeal…

Krisatu: I don’t even know what that means.

Nickatu: Well Lindsay was kind of like this tomboyish type girl and Ally…

Krisatu: Nobody cares about your weird television show fantasies and please stop going through peoples rosters and just picking and choosing who you want to write. You can’t just rework your characters back-stories into whatever you want either. Plus, last time I checked Veronica Mars was not started in this match.

Nickatu: You done?

Krisatu: Yes I am. Could you please start?

Nickatu: This is why I quit dude. I just want to write what I feel like.

Krisatu: Then just write. But would you please do it on your own time. Nobody wants to hear about this stuff. Your matches come off as self serving vanity projects and it gets old fast. Which is not to say I am being ungrateful either. I really appreciate you writing a match but please just make an attempt to stay on target here.

Nickatu: Nice Star Wars reference.

Krisatu: I’m really trying to make an effort with those.

Nickatu: It was a good one. Fine, I promise to get to the Prom. Can I at least finish this whole Maria loves her dress and have Phil have the “She’s All That” look on his face?

Krisatu: Even if I say no you’re still going to do it. Just make it quick okay. This is a consolation match after all. I doubt a single playoff match will be this long.

Nickatu: That is what I am counting on.

Krisatu: Yeah, I know.

Nickatu: It’s just, I know.

Krisatu: What?

Nickatu: From Empire. Han just says, “I know” not “Yeah, I know”.

Krisatu: I wasn’t making a Star Wars reference.

Nickatu: Oh.

Krisatu: I’m not insane like you guys. I still just speak in normal vernacular most of the time.

Nickatu: Okay, can I write this thing now? Your vernacular is interrupting me.

Krisatu: F#%@ You Nick.

Nickatu: So uncivilized. Now that is how you make a Star Wars reference.

Krisatu: I don’t even know what that one is from?

Nickatu: If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

Krisatu: You guys are idiots.

Nickatu: Would you get out of here?

Anyways, Maria Hill leaves the Female Furies Hair Salon with Veronica and sees Agent Coulson in the distance.

Veronica Mars: Well, you ready for this?

Maria Hill: I think so.

Veronica: No Maria, you know so.

Maria Hill: I do don’t I.

Veronica: Well, go get him.

Maria gives Veronica a big hug and begins to head towards Agent Coulson. Phil has been standing in the middle of the teams' cafeteria for a while now and doesn’t notice Maria walk in until after she has regained the full confidence of the true S.H.I.E.L.D Agent that she was born to be. As soon as Phil noticed her though things started to move in slow motion. Walking towards him was a version of Agent Hill that he had never even considered. Her hair fell effortlessly across her face as she moved toward him in a little black dress that was making his heart skip a beat. The sound of Demi Lovato’s “Heart Attack” played in the background as she approached her colleague of many years. Her heart was beating in a way that made her throw away everything that she had ever considered in regards to Agent Coulson. She knew she looked amazing and for the first time ever she let herself hope that maybe, just maybe he was looking at her as something other then just another S.H.I.E.L.D Agent. Only moments away now from Phil, she had to remember to breathe to ensure he wouldn’t be collecting her collapsed body from the ground. She then took one last big breath and finally met him at the equinox of the room.

Maria: Hi Phil.

Phil: Hello Maria, you look very nice tonight. Though I do wonder how you expect to wear this Jet pack in that dress.

Maria: (Stunned) That’s all you have to say Phil?

Phil: I mean, I suppose you could wear my jacket to help protect your shoulders.

Maria: Yes Phil, I suppose I could. (Bummed beyond belief but like most people in their early 30’s, she is used to disappointment and is able to bury it deep down inside, leaving the dealing for another time and place.)

Phil: So, you want the jacket?

Maria: Yeah, just give it to me.

Maria puts the jacket on and Phil helps her put the jet pack on.

Agent Coulson: You ready Agent Hill?

Maria: I always am. You?

Agent Coulson: Yeah, I suppose. It is just a consolation match after all.

Maria: Suppose so.

Agent Coulson: Maria.

Maria: Yeah.

Agent Coulson: You really do look beautiful.

Maria: Thanks, Phil. Now let’s go win this thing.

THE FFL PROM

I know that this is supposed to be Prom, since the banner at the front says “The FFL Prom” but I am not quite sure the person who set this up has ever been to one. Or at the very least has ever watched a couple dozen television shows and movies involving the event. Nothing is decorated and there is nothing but BBQ potato chips and bacon at every table. From the looks of it there isn’t any punch either, just Game Day light beer and hard cider at the drinks table as well. Hmmm, I wonder who set this one up.

As people start to make their way into the room and the DJ begins to play an assortment of music that includes Jim Croce, Joan Jett and Soul Asylum, I begin to recognize some faces. First comes in the Midgets tiny combatants who are lead by both Toads and Gwildore who is carrying Smurf #3 on the Cosmic Key.

Next in naturally are both Agent’s Coulson and Hill, looking dapper and beautiful respectfully. Everybody first gets a drink and something to eat, as this is a consolation match after. Both teams chit-chat with one another for a little, while they await the big event of the night.

Yellow Toad: Well Maria, who do you want for your blind date?

Maria: I don’t know, I suppose a Superman would be nice. I figure since everybody else has one on their team, the waiver wire wouldn’t want to be left out.

Blue Toad: Yeah and then Mario was like “Heya Luigi, we should unclog the Princesses pipes again like we did in San Antonio”.

Agent Coulson: I do apologize but I literally don’t know what you are talking about.

Blue Toad: It must be Game Day because it’s going down tonight.

Agent Coulson: You mean because…

Blue Toad: Yes because…

Agent Coulson: I know…

Blue Toad: Then why did you…

Agent Coulson: Shut up.

Blue Toad: Mystery dates huh?

Agent Coulson: What about them?

Blue Toad: We both have them going on tonight.

Agent Coulson: I suppose we do.

Blue Toad: Not much for talking, are you agent?

Agent Coulson: Not true Toad, I just don’t see the point of using more words then are necessary.

Blue Toad: Into Austerity are you. Whater you German?

Agent Coulson: Scottish actually.

Blue Toad: Scottish (laughs). Where’s your skirt? (Laughs some more)

As Blue Toad is sitting there laughing he is hit in the back of the head quite hard with what seems to be a baseball.

Chris Matthews: We Brits gotta stick together.

Agent Coulson: Oh so we're friends?

Chris Matthews: Better to defend a Scot then some short piece of shit with a blue mushroom on his head.

Agent Coulson: Well Mr. Matthews, I can only assume you are our blind date?

Chris Matthews: Date yes. Blind I don’t think so.

Agent Coulson: Well whatever help we can get will always be useful.

Chris Matthews: I hope the Hardball to the head wasn’t too over the top for you.

Agent Coulson: Like I said, I’ll take all the help I can get. Maria, anytime you want to join in on this fight will be useful.

Maria Hill: You know what Phil (pauses) you got it.

Maria then pulls out a gun and shoves it into the mouth of the yellow Toad and pulls the trigger, sending chunks of yellow mushroom fragments all over the bacon-covered table.

Gwildore: Oh boy Smurfy, I think this is getting real. Time for us to get out of here.

Gwildore engages the Cosmic Key and both himself and the Smurf disappear.

Agent Coulson: I am so sick of Trans-dimensional devices.

Chris Matthews: If I had a dime for everytime I thought that.

Blue Toad: Shut up you stupid Mick. You’d have what, a nickel?

Chris Matthews: Christ, you're worse then a bloody Pubby.

Matthews then slowly walked up to the Blue headed Toad and snapped his neck.

Maria Hill: Which is what? A negative slur for a Republican?

Chris Matthews: Of course it is you skinny bitch.

Miss Piggy: Who are you calling a skinny bitch?

Chris Matthews: Certainly not you, you chubby piece of…

Miss Piggy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Miss Piggy in an instant pulled out a sword and shoved it directly through the mouth of the stroke waiting to happen television personality.

Miss Piggy: Explain your position to somebody who cares in hell!

Maria Hill: Mystery date I take it?

Miss Piggy: Oh, she is skinny and she has a brain. Your team must be so proud to have you as a member.

Maria Hill: Oh that’s it bitch.

Maria takes off in her Jet Pack but before she is able to make a move she comes crashing down towards the ground, sans her fuel heavy backpack. Maria lies on the ground disoriented and looks up at the trend setting pig, but before she is able to make a move there is a piercing pain in her chest. She looks down and finds Miss Piggy’s sword lying directly next to her heart, right inside of her chest. A warm breathe then speaks to her in an almost matter of fact tone in her left ear.

Gwildore: The cosmic key really is a remarkable tool.

Miss Piggy: He went back to the beginning of the match and took it away from you and you never even noticed. Hahahahahahaha. Looks like the skinny girl has nothing going for her after all!

Agent Coulson: That is unless you don’t count me, which right now I will have to say that you may want to reconsider.

Agent Coulson sends a blast from the Destroyer gun directly through the backside of the overweight pig. Gwildore sees his temporary teammate become yet another appetizer as he goes for the Cosmic Key.

Agent Coulson: Yeah you might want to stay away from that thing Dormu.

Gwildore: You know nothing of its power, terrestrial. It has a power that you could not possibly understand.

Agent Coulson pulls out a small transporter out of his back pants pocket and says, “It’s up to you to test it. In fact, go right ahead. Prove me wrong”.

Gwildore looks puzzled, which is all the time Coulson needs to send one more blast from the Destroyer gun right at the Eternian creature, completely incinerating him from the dance floor. Phil runs over to Maria as Jessie J’s “Domino” plays over the speakers in the hall.

Maria: Seriously, how did this song make the cut?

Coulson: I am sorry that I wasn’t fast enough Maria, I didn’t realize what the key was capable of.

Maria: I thought you had control of it Phil?

Coulson: Why, because of this?

Coulson pulls out his cell phone, a black berry.

Coulson: The silly troll didn’t even recognize an outdated cell phone. Seriously, the government really needs to update fast.

Maria: (Laughs) You are always able to disassociate yourself from the situation aren’t you?

Agent Coulson: It’s my curse Maria.

Maria: Curse! It’s your greatest advantage Phil.

Agent Coulson: (Laughs) It’s hardly an advantage Maria. Sure it might keep me alive once in while but it makes me not quite a member of this world.

Maria: Alive and not quite of this world sounds pretty good right now. (She coughs up blood and becomes paler by the second). Regardless of the situation you seem to be one step ahead. I’d say that’s quite the advantage.

Agent Coulson: For arguments sake let’s say your right.

Maria: Right good that does me at this point.

Agent Coulson: Exactly MY point. When you came to my before the match tonight I felt something for you that I cannot explain and instead of confronting it head on, I shut it off and turned it back on you.

Maria: I was a foolish girl Phil. There is no time for that sort of thing in this league. I let my emotions get the best of me. I regret every…

Agent Coulson: You should regret nothing. I regret not falling for it. Turning that feeling off (pauses) where did that get me?

Maria: If got us the win.

Agent Coulson: It’s a consolation match Maria.

Maria: It’s the little victories right? (Laughs a little)

Agent Coulson: I would have rather lost this stupid match then be sitting here watching you die.

Maria: Now who’s the softy Phil?

Agent Coulson: I’m serious.

Maria: (Coughs up more blood) And so am I. Now is not the time to go soft. I let myself feel something tonight that may or may not have gotten me killed. Now would you please go over to the drinks table and finish off that pathetic looking Smurf.

Agent Coulson: (Slowly considers Maria’s request but eventually come to) As you wish.

Maria: What?

Agent Coulson: From the Princess Bride.

Maria: Okay, so.

Agent Coulson: It’s your favorite movie.

Maria: No it’s not.

Agent Coulson: Well it was an unlucky guess.

Maria: Shawshank Redemption.

Agent Coulson: Seriously?

Maria: What’s wrong with Shawshank?

Agent Coulson: Well, it’s like saying your favorite band is the Beatles. Everyone likes Shawshank.

Maria: Well I like (coughs) Shawshank. It’s (coughs) my favorite okay.

Agent Coulson: Fair enough.

Maria: One more thing though Phil (Very faintly)

Agent Coulson: Anything.

Maria: How did that fat pig get that sword?

Agent Coulson: That key can do wondrous things.

Maria: Is that your way of saying you have no idea?

Agent Coulson: It’s my way of explaining something that has no answer.

Maria: Yeah, you have no idea.

Agent Coulson: I’m going to go kill that smurf now.

Maria: You go do that.

Agent Coulson walks over to the drinks table that has the hard cider on it, picks up the smurf and throws him down onto the table with enough force to crush every bone in his body. He then walks back on over to Agent Hill and sits with her until her last breathe leaves her body.

Veronica Mars: Well I know you died, but at least this time Teddy didn’t forget about you.

Maria Hill: Yes, me dying was such a wonderful alternative to my second Prom story.

Veronica Mars: Well if you had to do it over again…

Maria Hill: Dying, oh god yes. I’d take it every time.