Playoffs: Slaves vs Shit Kickers

A Brief History of the Playoff Planet

The Playoff Planet. With all of it wondrous and accommodating terrains, it’s essentially the affirmative action of planets. Its origin remains shrouded in mystery. That is, until now.

Is the playoff planet a singular planet, or does the FFL have infinitely many planets, set aside for playoff matches and an occasional regular season match? Where did/do they come from? Is it planet earth or clones or similar planets?  How does the league manage to maintain a stock of such planets? What is the playoff planet’s real name?

While the commissioners of this league (past and present) perpetuate this ambiguity in order to maintain a sense of allure, the truth of the matter is that the playoff planet is a single planet, and a dumpy one at that. Although it is not spoken of very often, because most combatants are too busy fighting for their lives to notice, the planet has a foul odor resembling moderate halitosis. At least it did at the beginning, now it has a tint of rotting flesh.  That is because the playoff planet is reused from match to match, with little to no maintenance by its owners.

It started shortly before the beginning of the FFL. Josh and Ryan were searching for a planet that could be host for epic battles among the universe’s finest warriors. Although it is difficult to find a planet that can allow for many different species, sometimes contradictory, especially with the league not having many funds to start with, they finally found a planet. Purchased at an intergalactic garage sale, the planet came cheaply as it is a dumping grounds for waste (Side note, the league is actually a front for this and other illegal activities, but that is another story). Josh and Ryan named this planet “duo homines concipies” (Latin for two men conceive), but everyone outside of the league refers to it as the Toilet of the Universe.

This brings us to the present, where Zombie Galactus has just developed an ulcer after consuming the entire playoff planet. Not that a zombie would really notice.

The Shit Kickers are: White Lantern Kyle Raynor with full spectrum ring, Zombie Parasite, Blackfire, Metallo, Nightwing (Lor Zod), Flamebird (Thara Ak-Var), Red Lantern Hal Jordan, Vampire Kilowog, Razor, Aya, Oblivion, Zombie Galactus, Superior Spiderman, Rogue, Sentinel Prime w/ Autobot Matrix of Leadership, The Fallen, Son of Mortis, Revan, Dark Helmet, and Real Man.

The Slave are: Skaar Son of Hulk (w/ red lantern ring, 9 deaths), BL Superman (9 deaths), Fernus, Casandra Nova (w/ Demon Rod), Mr. Miracle, Elongated Man, Catwoman, Runner, Doppleganger, Ymir (marvel), Sarumon, Prowlimus Prime w/ Autobot Matrix of Leadership), Movie Bumblebee, Roadbust, BL Harry Potter, Crash Bandicoot (9 deaths), Capt Crunch (w/ trident), Darth Shamalay, Jaws 2, Hydra, Stewie Griffin w/ GL ring, Bart Simpson w/ Sith Lavarouk, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpsons, Maggie Simpson, Beavis w/ Halbeard, Butthead w/ Sith Lavarouk, Buttchunk, and Sandworm #20.

With the playoff planet now destroyed, the league is now without a host for it imminent playoff match. The commissioner and former commissioner scramble to find a new planet. They find one just in time for the start of this match; a planet by the name of “apicem ad apicem” (tip to tip).

The teams arrive on the playoff planet. As the match begins, Darth Shamalay, wearing her taupe crinkle silk under tunic and brown belt, stares off into the sun. “I commend the commissioner’s decision to pick a playoff planet with two suns.” While the force may be strong with this one (I’m not sure yet), it is not strong enough to un-cross her eyes. The rest of the Slaves are aware of her condition but no one has the heart to tell her. As the Shit Kickers quickly approach the Slaves, she warns her comrades, “Their numbers double ours! Ready for battle!”.

It begins to rain on the Playoff Planet. Darth Shamalay pulls out her umbrella. Nightwing and Flamebird zip at her lightning fast but elongated man intercepts them. He grabs on each of them slowing them down, but they adjust and go opposite ways, eventually ripping him in two.

Vampire Kilowag eyes a tasty catwoman. Catwoman backflips while trying to evade him but he catches her, sucking out all of her blood. He is not the only Shit Kicker out for flesh consumption, as Zombie Galactus snaps BL Harry Potters broomstick in half and then eats him. He then turns to Runner, sensing some familiarity before ingesting him whole. Runner oddly put up no resistance.

The weather continues to worsen as do the Slaves numbers.  Mr. Miracle squares off against Zombie Parasite, who absorbs his powers and then eats him. The Slaves get their first kill as Cap’n Crunch impales Dark Helmet with his trident. Zombie Galactus then chews up Cap’n Crunch, who was not soggy despite the rain. Zombie Galactus makes his way to the desert area of the planet. Sandworm #20 jumps out of the sand and into Zombie Galactus’s mouth.

Crash Bandicoot knows that a graveyard bound FFLer can often rise up above their given talent level. He aims high: White Lantern Kyle Rayner. With the Simpsons and Stewie Griffin tagging along as backup, he rushes the lantern. His plan fails as WL Kyle Rayner easy kills the weak bandicoot and humans. The white lantern continues committing honkeycide by offing Beavis, Butthead and Buttchunk with energy blasts.

The Slaves realize they are quickly falling behind. Movie Bumblebee and Roadbuster move towards Sentinel Prime, knowing that he has the matrix and needs to be stopped. They are intercepted by The Fallen, who stomps on movie bumblebee and then tears him apart. Roadbuster opens fire on the fallen, unloading his missiles and machine guns on him. He then transforms into his robot mode, drives his fist into the fallen and crushes his spark.

BL Superman takes on Nightwing and Flamebird. Despite being outnumbered, he handles the two quite easily but is unable to finish them off.  He knocks Nightwing to the ground and Doppleganger rushes in and rips apart his body. BL Superman uses his superior strength to suffocate Flamebird. Son of Mortis and Revan ignite their lightsabers and dismantle Doppleganger. BL superman shows Son of Mortis that he isn’t the only one who can handle a bear lightsaber blade as he catchs it midswing and drives the handle through Son of Mortis’ eye socket. He then drives the lightsaber through the chest of Revan.

Metallo taps BL Superman on the shoulder. BL Superman turns around slowly and begins feeling weak. Zombie Parasite grabs him and begins to absorb his powers. BL Superman musters up enough strength to knock the two off of him.  WL Kyle Rayner creates a white energy construct of Lois Lane, who literally gives him the kiss of death.

Blackfire and Rogue fly to the water to search for the mythical hydra. On the way they encounter Jaws 2.  Rogue touches fish, killing it and absorbing it powers (its teeth, which explains why she is played by Anna Paquin). The Hydra jumps out of the water surprising Blackfire and Rogue. After managing to cut off two heads they are both eaten by the beast. Not to be outdone, Zombie Galactus arrives before they wounded Hydra can regrow its head and eats the creature.

Aya, Razor, and RL Hal Jordan ambush Roadbuster. Roadbuster fires off his guns and missiles but misses, as he is shot repeatedly by energy blasts from the three lanterns.  Sarumon tries to come to his aid but he is too late as the autobot falls to his death. Sarumon’s spell are of no use as he befalls the same fate as his teammate.

Metallo and Zombie Parasite fly by the towering frost giant Ymir. Zombie Parasite uses his recently acquired powers from BL Superman to melt Ymir with his heat vision. As Ymir gets blasted in the face he blindly swings his giant icicle, which makes contact with and destroys Metallo. Zombie Parasite the flies through the hole he just burned in Ymir’s face and comes out the other side of his head. The Frost Giant’s now lifeless body topples over, falling on Casaandra Nova and Superior Spiderman, crushing them.

Zombie Parasite is growing confident in his ability to take down the Slave’s powerhouses. He goes after Skaar and Fernus looking for even more super powers. Fernus shape shifts into kryptonite, Skaar grabs Fernus and stabs him into the heart of Zombie Parasite. Having absorbed BL Superman’s weaknesses as well as strengths, Zombie Parasite dies. Fernus shifts back into his original form, weakened from his contact with Zombie Parasite. Vampire Kilowag swoops in drains the remaining life force from Fernus.

REAL MAN is busy running for his life when he spots Darth Shamalay from across the battlefield. He heads towards her as he thinks back to before the season began.

~

REAL MAN walks into Better Than All Of You’s new owner’s office.

“Welcome Eric, I understand you wanted to see me?” Bryan greets REAL MAN.

“YES, I DO!” says REAL MAN.

Bryan looks down at REAL MAN. “What’s with that? You are full mast.”

“THAT’S WHAT I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT! IF I AM GOING TO BE IN THIS CRAP LEAGUE, KNOW THAT I WILL BE ON THE BEST TEAM! AND THAT TEAM NEEDS TO HAVE THE BEST NAME!  I HAVE JUST SEEN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD! YOU MUST CHANGE THIS TEAM’S NAME TO HONOR HER OR I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE!”

REAL MAN hands Bryan Beckerman a photo: 

“Yeah, she sure is special.” Says Bryan

~

REAL MAN gets to Darth Shamalay and finally turns off his caps lock.

“Anne” says Real Man “You are the most precious thing I have ever laid eyes on.  It is because of you that I have realized who I really am. I am an angry, hateful, loud troll. But when I see you, all is right, and I am at peace. I am the darkness and you are my light.”

“What a sweet little man” says Darth Shamalay, as she runs off with Real Man.

Sentinel Prime sees the newest prime, Prowlimus, just as Prowlimus blasts Vampire Kilowog from behind.  “He is powerful, no doubt, but he is inexperienced. His matrix will be mine.” He says to himself as he approaches Prowlimus.

“Prowlimus, hand over the matrix, and I may let you live.” Say Sentinel Primes head as he swings at the Autobot. Prowlimus blocks his punch and counters with a kick to Sentinel Prime’s Head. Sentinel Prime grabs the leg of Prowlimus and rips it off. Prowlimus falls to his back, scooting backwards as he desperately pulls out the matrix.

“It will not be working for you today!” Yells Sentinel Prime as stomps Prowlimus to death, picking up the matrix from his dead hands. He then proceeds to pull out his own matrix, holding out both in admiration.

This is short lived as Skaar comes crashing down on him driving him, both matrices, and the remains of prowlimus into the ground.

WL Kyle Rayner shoots a blast of energy at Skaar slicing it open and rendering it near useless. “Your team is finished and you will see enter the graveyard.” He says as he continues his attack on Skaar.

Skaar looks around to see his is surrounded by lanterns. As a last ditch effort he musters up his oldstrong powers and attempts to draw whatever power he can from this dingy planet. He is losing power and becoming badly wounded from WL Kyle Rayner’s continued attack, when just below him both matrices light up as he absorbs their powers. His mangle body quickly heals as he bolts towards WL Kyle Rayner. WL Kyle Rayner is continuously blasting Skaar with energy from his full spectrum ring but it just deflects off of him. Skaar rips of WL Kyle Rayner’s arm which doesn’t stop shooting. He aims it at Red Lantern Hal Jordan, disintegrating him, then does the same to Aya, Razor, and Oblivion. Finally he turns it towards WL Kyle Rayner killing him with his own ring.

Zombie Galactus is about to eat Skaar when he feels a great pain in his stomach. He looks down and grabs his stomach as a hole burns through it.  At first it looks as if his intestines are hanging out but it is actually a partially digested sandworm. Runner used the last of his life force to burn a hole in Galactus’s already ulcerated stomach. While Galactus looks down in shock Skaar rips his head off. Skaar looks over to see the only remaining members of the match, REAL MAN and Darth Shamalay, having a cigarette.

With Skaar fast approaching, Darth Shamalay realizes the end is near. “You are a sweet man, Real Man, I hope our paths cross again.” Which is the last thing REAL MAN hears before his head rolls on the ground.

Back in the Slave’s Locker room:

Darth Shamalay walks out of the ladies restroom smiling and holding a small stick with urine dripping from the end of it. “Four lines!”