Beckerman's Backyardigans:Beeyatches Vs. The Moist Mafia

Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches are General Zod, Zombie Surtur, Black Lantern Terrax, Vampire Guy Gardner, Beta Ray Bill, Black Lantern Magog, Firestorm (Jason Rusch), White Lantern/Full Spectrum Kyle Rayner, Rao, Lord Helspont, Quasar, Black Lantern Mephisto, The New gods: Uggha, Lightray, Bekka, Shadowfall, and Hyalt, and Morpheus (w/ Hal Jordan's green lantern ring).

The Moist Mafia is Doomed, White Lantern Abin Sur, The Crayola Crew: Yellow and Orange Lantern Hal Jordan, Red and Star Sapphire Guy Gardner, Indigo John Stewart, and Blue Kyle Rayner (w/ Ion's green lantern ring), Saranak Natu, Eternity, Cybertronian Guardian #9 (Cuddles), Princess Leia (w/ a blue lightsaber) in her Stealth X-Wing, Colonel Bircher (w/ red lantern ring), The Seacons, Nezzar the Calculator, Manhunter #3 (Centra), and El Gaucho.


After the self-destruction and dispersion of The Horsemen of Apokolips last season, it could be argued that no team name in all of Fantasy Fantasy strikes fear into the hearts of its foes more than Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches. A name that technically transcends two franchises, yet has had powerhouse teams with unparalleled success in both cases. And with a three and zero start to this season the members of the newly rebranded Moist Mafia are definitely feeling the pressure (it's like feeling the Bern without having to pretend to not be a communist). Although it is The Moist Mafia who is playing with the home field advantage if you will. Not because of a large vehicle or stationary area; but because the match takes place within Eternity: as does everything. Eternity is ever-present. Both made visible on an enormous scale for the purposes of this match, but also surrounding all things both physical and non-physical. All matter, anti-matter, dark matter, doesn't matter it is all part of Eternity.

With no vehicles played by either team, and no base of operations to speak of for either the action starts rather quickly.......

Nezzar the Calculator flies over to the only member of his squad that he could even remotely consider his equal, let alone a being of power greater than his own in Eternity and speaks in a tongue so ancient that even the oldest beings born to this universe could not possibly fathom (but don't worry, I'm an all powerful Watcher, and would be happy to translate for you). Nezzar informs Eternity that after his perfect series of calculations was completed it showed virtually no chance of their squad defeating The Backyardigans. Eternity, knowing that he as a being is not long for this plain of existence comes to the conclusion that he must take matters into his own hands. Nezzar seemed certain that most of the other squad could be taken out by him with nothing more than his base Celestial abilities; but that the New gods offered the largest threat. Eternity ascertains that Nezzar is correct and takes his calculations a step further even. The being who has existed on this level since the beginning of time itself takes just slightly over an earth second to undue this very same fabric. As Eternity welcomes the attacks of the New gods and allows himself to be destroyed here in this existence to pave the way for the next one, he makes sure that Bekka, Uggha, Lightray, Shadowfall, and Hyalt all make the journey with him. Several others among The B-3 squad attempt to fight back in defense of their newly drafted teammates; but it is to no avail. Rao, Lord Helspont, and even the fiery, demonic, undead Zombie Surtur all fall to Eternity and the mighty power of the universe.

Nezzar the Calculator, feeling quite the surge of hubris after having his plan's scholarship put into action flies into the forefront to take the remainder of the Backyardigans head on. But behold....... For not even a Celestial can calculate the true arrogance of an ancient god amongst the most powerful of the insects....
Black Lantern Mephisto and General Zod form up their troops as the Backyardigans prepare for an all out offensive surge on The Moist Mafia, while conversation stirs among the cosmic empowered humans on the Mafia squad.

“What the hell is going on Hal”?? Asks Guy Gardner with his dorky artist buddy Kyle and his super solid and extra cool black friend John listening in.

“The ring is telling me that, Eternity made a final play to take out some of their heavy hitters and that Nezzar seems to think he has got this in the bag”. Hal responds.

“This is folly” throws in Abin Sur.

“That wall of cosmic baddies rushing in, sure doesn't look like something not to worry about”. Soranak Natu says to finish the conversation.

Nezzar holds out front at the ready, when The Backyardigans stop short of the floating battleground. The squad meticulously takes their positions and then Zod screams “NOW”!!

While I, the almighty Watcher: Joshatu the Remarkable ignore the fact that one cannot scream in space, I stand awestruck at the sheer show of force by the B-3 squad. They unleash hell on the mighty Celestial from all angles; but it is not the plethora of cosmic blasts that does him in. As every atom of the super-reinforced cosmic metal body of Nezzar fights to combat energy from every angle Zod flies in like a rocket a blasts his body straight through the neck of Nezzar severing it from the rest of his enormous body. The Backyardigans attack the open wounds of both parts in order to drain every bit of life from the Celestial and once they do they waste no time regrouping for the remainder of the fight. “Finish the rest, clean up the scraps” is the only order Zod gives to his squad as all hell breaks loose in the system.

NOW FOR THE REAL BATTLE......

Zod seems to be on a roll when it comes to wrecking big, metal, cosmic dudes as he makes short work of the enormous (though not quite Celestial-sized) Cybertronian Guardian, whom The Moist Mafia's previous owner lovingly named Cuddles. The Omega Supreme clone has his arm blow off by a healthy does of heat visions, before Zod goes in for the kill with his fists. Pounding the Transformer's circuits until his spark extinguishes.

Black Lantern Terrax floats at the ready with his black-lanternized-axe gripped tightly, when Doomed, in a super-angsty, emo-fueled, yet still powerful teenage rage leaps off an asteroid in his direction. The axe of the former Galactus herald does little more than enrage Doomed further, who then rips Terrax in half.

Princess Leia, from inside her stealth X-Wing flies in to the fray in an attempt to scout an attack pattern on Black Lantern Mephisto, who is growing in size, and seemingly power by the minute as he absorbs the cosmic energy and death all around him. She swoops in with relative grace (but let's face it, she is no Luke or Wedge Antilles). Her focus is on Mephisto as she flies in an X-pattern stealthily in her stealth X-Wing; but the true stealth comes from Vampire Guy Gardner who flies in from behind lands on the back of the ship, rips off the top hatch and then pulls Leia out. As Leia struggles to breathe in the cold of space the undead Gardner bites in to her neck and sucks out every drop of blood.

Beta Ray Bill's face may look goofy, but his actions make him look indistinguishable from the super-handsome regular Thor when easily uses his hammer to bust through the center of Centra the Manhunter.

While the Crayola crew and the rest of the Moist Mafia lanterns form up and stick together, Colonel Bircher, the wielder of a red ring leads the six Seacons in against Black-lantern Mephisto, who is surrounded Black-lantern Magog and Quasar. Col. Bircher gives the order for The Seacons to merge to form Piranhacon and they do with Nautilator taking the form of the gestalts projectile weapon. Black Lantern Magog is taken off guard as he is hit with a powerful blast from the Decepticon, who then follows up the laser blast with an enormous metal foot to the face of the black-lanternized Kingdom Come villain. Colonel Bircher tries to match the performance of her partner Piranhacon by letting her rage take control of her actions. She spews a large clump of red energy vomit at Quasar; but the wielder of the Quantum bands easily dodges the red energy, then doubles back and hits Bircher with enough of a cosmic blast to blow her apart. As the still merged Seacons fly in towards Mephisto, their attack is ceased before it begins as Mephisto blasts Piranhacon with a hellish fiery blast that destroys the gestalt's combined spark as well as their six individual ones.

Morpheus, aided by Hal Jordan's old green lantern ring flies over to El Gaucho who is little more than stationary floating in his space suit. El Gaucho attempts to mount a defensive with some sort of non-bat, yet bat-derived weapon; but Morpheus does some green aured kung fu stuff and jacks the Batman Inc. dude up pretty good. Unfortunately for Morpheus, after using the green lantern ring of Hal's, the man, though a member of the other team and the ring become aware of each other and the ring abandons Morpheus for this yellow and orange ring wielding version of him. Morpheus begins to squirm as he is left to the rigors of space unprotected when he is mercifully killed off by a rude comment from Gardner, and a energy blast from Stewart. Firestorm and Full Spectrum Kyle Rayner fly in to the mix right at each others side. I mean RIGHT next to each other. I think they are actually holding hands. I mean, I'm not saying anything about their sexuality or preference. I am just making an observation (I'm a Watcher, not a judger). Abin Sur and Soranak Natu, work rather well together for two would be enemies. They surround and flank Firestorm and use their yellow and white rings to bring new life to his fear (whatever the hell that means).... Either way Firestorm died. The Full Spectrum Kyle Rayner begins to muster what power he can and send it off into the proper directions; but he finds quickly that despite having decent control of the full spectrum ring, he still cannot control the entire spectrum as good as four well trained lanterns working together in unison. The Crayola Crew put their powers together and destroy this Rayner incarnation.

Zod gathers his forces for the final push and rallies around Black Lantern Mephisto along with Vampire Gardner, Quasar, and Beta Ray Bill. Only Doomed and the lanterns Sur, Jordan, Gardner, Stewart, Rayner, and Natu remain for the Moist Mafia. Though at the moment, Hal Jordan seems to be missing from the battle sequence and Doomed is currently throwing a fit and busting apart asteroids while making it very clear that he has no intention of being a team player. As the Backyardigans form up, Gardner flies up to Stewart and says: “I have a plan to take out Mephisto that Hal, Abin, and Kyle are not gonna like; but I know Saranak is down”. Gardner explains the plan as Mephisto continues to grow with evil energy. Guy Gardner turns and begins to blast their own teammate Doomed with enough red energy to enrage even a room full of dope smoking monks, while Sorank Natu uses his yellow ring to slam the lifeless metal body of Piranhacon into Doomed. John Stewart then uses his Indigo ring to take control of the lantern fueld clump and shoots it like a projectile through the demonic blackened heart of Mephisto. Just then, Hal Jordan comes flying in; but not by his own volition, instead he is inside of Leia's Stealth X-Wing. His stolen green ring providing it with a protective aura, his yellow ring increasing the weaponry, and his orange ring giving it even more speed.

“I thought this thing would come in handy. Now it's a long shot guys, but let's see what we can do” Hal yells as a rallying cry to the other lanterns.

Hal Jordan in his X-Wing and Zod zip around the stars in an impressive dog fight, while Gardner and Vampire Gardner ignore the fact that they have powers and begin fist brawling as if they just rolled out of the bar. White Lantern Abin Sur is able to absorb the Quantum blasts from Quasar, reprocess them, and send them back through the spectrum in order to overload the quantum bands and kill Quasar, while John, Kyle, and Saranak Natu team up to take on Beta Ray Bill. Bill fights through the cosmic blasts and sends his hammer right through the face of Kyle Rayner with a throw. He then takes what is left of Rayner's body and uses it as a weapon to Babe Ruth Saranak Natu into the next Solar System; but while Beta Ray Bill spins back from his attack still awaiting the return of his hammer, John Stewart strikes. He envelops an aura around the hammer and which when combined with the power of Thor blows Beta Ray to bits as he goes to grab it out of the anti-matter. Stewart's victory is short-lived as Zod rushes in with vengeance and double claps Stewart's head to crush his skull despite his protective aura. Regular Guy Gardner gets tired of the fight after almost getting bit by his vampire self and creates a red lantern blade construct and uses it to slice off the dome of Vamp Gardner. White Lantern Abin Sur is the next victim of Zod's as he burns through the white energy and the man himself with a potent blast of heat vision that could even melt the steel in the twin towers (which everybody knows is impossible, just ask Michael Moore). Gardner, the only other survivor flies to the wing of Jordan's X-Wing thinking that there is no possible way to beat this Kryptonian when it comes to their attention that none of the rings from the match have flown away to seek other bearers. They are all simply hovering around Hal and Guy. With that thought in mind, Guy Gardner begins blasting Zod with everything he can muster from his two rings while Hal Jordan siphons what energy he can from the surrounding rings and sets a collision course for Zod in his ship. With the X-Wing pumped full of Lantern power, Hal ejects mere seconds before it collides with Zod creating an explosion that flings the only two living characters off into the distance.