David Byrne's Meat Suits Vs. The Sigmas

 David Byrne's Meat Suits are Galactus and his Herald David Byrne, Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver, and Atrocitus.

The Sigmas are Ki Adi Mundi, Qui Gon Jinn, Duncan Idaho (w/ a green lightsaber), Jordan Peterson (w/ a fire flower), Bene Gesserit #1-7, Gollum, Mon-Starr, Pit, and Satoru Gojo.  

I'm heading down to Southpark gonna have myself a time.  

 Hey, what up eff eff ellers, it's your boy The Neon Master Pogo.  Ol' Joshatu the Mega-Boomer finally dusted me off and is letting me Watch a match this season, so you already know it's gonna be a banger.  Here we go.......

Southpark Elementary is an absolute disaster.  Bullet holes, dead bodies, crying bystanders, and first responders are everywhere.  Not from The Fantasy Fantasy match of course, that hasn't even happened yet.  It is just because Southpark is the latest scene from our most recent school shooting.  It's no big deal, it happens all the time, it is just really annoying because I am trying to get set up to Watch a match here and all these people are in the way.  Per usual, the first people to show up on the scene was the media, then some sad and angry crisis actors, err....  I mean upset parents got there, followed by The FBI and a few other agencies that wished to remain unnamed, and then last and also least the local police, once they were sure it was safe.  Shortly after the police arrived two factions, one from each side of the American Political Duopoly showed up to begin their politicking.  The Left Wing always does a better job of scooping the story, leaving the Right Wing to play the victim once The Left starts talking about banning and taxing stuff that people who aren't beta cucks actually like.  In this particular case The Left has truly outdone themselves.  Deciding to bench the typical talking heads like Rachel Maddow and that pasty Keith guy that used to be on ESPN, a true Talking Head descends from the sky next to his big purple partner Galactus.  The Omnipotent Planet eater and his disembodied giant floating head Herald David Byrne make quite an entrance with musical interludes being played in-between calls for more gun control, mixed in with the usual banter about voter suppression and racial justice from a true American with a Scottish Accent.  They are also followed by a scantily clad Baddie who looks likes the Olsen twins if they hadn't forgotten about eating sixteen years ago and her special needs brother Quicksilver who is super fast.  I mean not like Flash fast or anything; but definitely quick.  I'm pretty sure his name is derived from being kinda quick; but still only getting silver in the special olympics, because Flash joined that year and decided to identify as a R-Tard and take the gold.  Last but not least, they are joined by Atrocitus.  This guy don't even mess around.  He was hand-picked by the Left Wing to persuade the people with his big red tough guy look in hopes to show that not all Liberals are whiny sissies.  It isn't working.  David Byrne and his Meat Suits enjoy a few minutes of Left Wing Media Control just like the good old days; before The Sigmas show up representing the Right Wing controlled media so the sheep watching at home can really get riled up over this fake, made-up tragedy.  I of course am calling this a fake made up tragedy because this is just a fictional FFL match.  I am certainly not suggesting that the rampant number of school shootings constantly appearing in the news are in any way fake or contrived and they definitely are not in any way planned by the government through mind control or any other means.  I mean.........  Nobody........  I mean......  Nobody.......  Would be crazy enough to think that.........  Right??........................................  Umm.  Anyways:  The Sigmas role out with the normal Fox News/Blaze crew.  Led by Jordan Peterson himself, they have a bunch of Religious zealots:  A couple of dudes with their ceremonial lightsabers at their hip and a bunch of ladies wearing long black robes.  They got a distinguished military veteran named Duncan Idaho (sounds like a dumb D & D character's name if you ask me).  But anyway, he has a distinguished military record, but is also carrying around one of those lightsabers.  Prolly just to show the flag waivers that he found the Force or something after he got sick of killing brown people and left the military.  I see they brought a little kid with a bow and arrow along to showcase how important it is to hunt with your kids not for them as well as a hunchback midget who keeps coughing his name and an Oriental dude named after that orange stuff mechanics use for hand-washing to show that the Republicans aren't just a party for The Whites and to remind us that people born in the Orient are way smarter than the rest of us.  Last but not least they have this guy named Mon-Starr.  This guy don't mess around.  He was hand-picked by The Right Wing to to persuade the people with his big, red tough guy look in hopes to show that not all Conservatives are whiny sissies.  It isn't working.  

        

The two factions of the Uniparty stay on their own side of the caution tape for a time, just sticking to their normal talking points and riling up their base; but eventually the tension becomes too much.  One last chant of "IT'S THE GUNS" and "MENTAL ILLNESS" ring out simultaneously, the caution tape snaps, and low and behold it is on like Donkey Kong.  And believe you me, when I tell you that this riot is a riot.  This ain't anything like the candle light vigils and time for togetherness moments we used to have after tragedies when I was coming up pre-911, this is a straight up Post-Covid-mOtSlY-pEaCeFuL-pent-up-lockdown-entitled-white-chick-public-school-Karen-vax-tard-wtf-happened to everyone's brain type of hysteria that only 2023 can produce.  

With the help of the seven Bene Gesserit Witches chanting and using their weirding ways with prana-bindu perfection, Satoro-Gojo teleports them all, along with Galactus to another realm where they throw down for the next century joining each other in death.  

Atrocitus squares up Mon-Starr which I am thinking is going to be one Heck of a Throw down; but I can't help but think about how much these two characters look alike.  I mean.....  Has anyone ever put two and two together and pointed this out??  Did the big, bad DC Comic Label really need to rip off The Silverhawks??  Could it be??  Just a coincidence you say??  You mean to say that Geoff Johns wasn't  influenced by the cartoons all of us Gen-Xers watched in the 80s and is still obsessing over them as a middle-aged man.....??......  I mean, he would be the only one who isn't but maybe.  Needless to say, I digress from this amazing fight that was about to go down when the two of them pull back their punches and realize that they are in fact long lost brothers from space.  Separated at birth when their parents split up when they were only toddlers, after not being able to get along over being of opposite political parties.  Fighting over 1980s politics such as Non-Smoking sections at Family restaurants, the death penalty, and whether or not "Parental Guidance Explicit Lyrics" stickers should be on all cassette tapes, or just most of them.  The two Satanic looking red monsters reach out for a hand-shake, but then bring it in for the whole thing as it turns into a full double-armed bro-hug.  They harken back to a time when people of different political views had the cognitive capacity to realize that both of their extremely biased and retarded views could simply be held as opinions, not beliefs which define who you really are.  It was a true Ronald Reagan/"Just the" Tip O' Neil kind of moment.  Like a vintage episode of Cheers; but not funny.  They decide to end this in-fighting and walk back to their two teams together as ambassadors for peace.  But the FBI Agents I mentioned earlier caught wind of this and realized how close proximity the media was.  They naturally assassinated both Atrocitus and Mon-Starr before this dangerous revelation could be made public to the mouth-breathers.  

After more FBI gun shots fill the air, the crowds all erupt into to one massive mob and all chaos ensues.  The News will refer to this chaos as "anarchy", ignoring the irony that anarchy is not the cause of chaos.  Mindless sheep controlled by big government handle that just fine.  It's like Protesters Gone Wild, without Snoop Dogg or boobs.  While the Baptists list off the people who are going to Hell (spoiler alert:  It's everyone), The Pro-Choicers burn effigies of young Moms who aren't skanks and can actually cook, Michael Moore and every chick from your College Sociology Class are screaming about how American guns made them fat, and the Q-Anon crew is busy yelling Save the Children while they hide Pit from the classic game Kid Icarus in a box labeled TRUMP 20EVER.  

Quicksilver rushes into action, running by Gollum at breakneck speed who is pushed into the crowd by the sheer velocity of the son of Magneto's foot work.  The former ring bearer gets it from both sides as he is ripped apart by both the Republicans who assume he is an immigrant and the Democrats who assume he is a fetus.  

The disembodied floating "Talking Head" of David Byrne grabs up Jordan Peterson in his mouth and carries him off to what Jordan assumes will be his death.  Truth is they were late for a joint appearance on a very trendy local podcast.  In-between shilling their new books, records, concerts, and appearances, the two of them both turned down a rolling rock and declined hitting a vape pen that totally didn't have weed in it.  They got along famously because let's face it.....  As much as I am making fun of them and the whole process because they are both goofballs sometimes, Byrne is a brilliant song writer and all around cool guy, and Peterson is usually right and pretty based most of the time.  I would totally watch this podcast and laugh as they became friends on air.  Especially if it pissed off partisans on either side.  

This just leaves us with a really pitched battle taking place in The Southpark Elementary Cafeteria between The Romanov twins Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver Versus Master Mundi and Jinn, along with Duncan Idaho.  I guess I am going to have to stop making jokes and veiled snarky political references and decide who should win this match.  I mean......  Out of Character:  Despite my not even close to serious demeanor here, these were both actually really good teams this week.  

Whilst Pit is suffocating to death in the box they forgot him in on the back axle of The Trump Unity Bridge, Qui Gon is catching the silvery quick Quicksilver with a lightsaber to the throat as Scarlet Witch is blowing up both parts of Ki Adi's binary Cerean brain.  Scarlet Witch turns to see her brother killed and flips out like someone told her she needed to cut her spending and caloric intake at Starbucks if she is going to find a good man someday.  Scarlet Witch screams:  "NO MORE SWORDSMEN" as Qui Gonn and Duncan Idaho disappear from reality; but Idaho's lightning fast reflexes get in one more quick move as he throws his Atreides dagger.  The blade leaving his hand just before he vanishes catches Wanda in the neck as she falls dead upon the body of her twin brother.  

This leaves us with only Byrne and Peterson who are told by The Podcast Host that there is breaking news.  The News of course being that they are the only two combatants left remaining and that the match would have to be settled right here on the show.  Jordan and David nod at one another and begin a philosophical debate to the death.  This lasts for hours and gets so many views that the video goes viral, despite the fact that although it got millions of clicks only six people actually watched past the first nine minutes.  They deeply discuss every possible issue and gain such a respect for one another that they eventually decide that maybe Jordan Peterson should go back to being a college professor and that David Byrne really should get back together with The Talking Heads after all these years, as long as they would do it together side by side.  Then it occurred to me that this match is really long and that in this particular incarnation of these characters that David Byrne is a Herald of Galactus and has Hella-Wicked Cosmic powers.  So he zapped him or something.  IDK.

THE END.