Season Five: Week 6: Beckerman's Backyardigan's Beeyatches vs The Transfoamers

The Transfoamers are: Kryptonian Army Soldier #11-20, Sentinel Prime, Movie Dreads: Crankcase, Crowbar and Hatchet, Movie Mirage, Movie Wreckers: Leadfoot, Roadblaster and Topspin, Stripe, Ghosts #1-7 and Purple Dragon #19 & 20.

Beckerman’s Backyardigan's Beeyatches are: Mogo, Ego, Ranx the Sentient City, In Betweener, Lord Chaos, Master Order, Yellow Lantern Bryan Beckerman, Victory Leo, Star Saber, Overlord, Zombie Superman, Cyclonus, Cyclonus Armada and Stormtrooper #15 in a Z-95 Headhunter.

Setting up meals for 300 plus people/creatures is no easy task, and it's not like it is going to get done on its own. The majority of the teams in this league have at least this many mouths to feed, not to mention sleeping arrangements, workout schedules, physical rehab, medical units, psychological reviews and numerous other activities and organizations that do not and I repeat do not get done by themselves. Every team must have somebody like me and I honestly believe that. Without me, the Backyardigans would be an unmitigated disaster. If you were wondering my name is Hermione Granger and I am the Internal Liaison and Event Coordinator for Beckerman’s Backyardigans.

Years ago I decided that if the upper management was not going to be using me for actual warfare that I might as well find something to do with my time. Many people have probably assumed that being a lifelong Backyardigan who never actually contributes to the brutality of a match means that I have lived a charmed life; of course nothing could be further from the truth. In the early days of this league everything was done without thought and lead to nothing but a rather large mess to clean up. At the end of matches nobody ever knew where to go and don’t even get me started on the sleeping arrangements. It was borderline medieval if you ask me. Which is why I took it upon myself to establish an organization to straighten this team up, in every way possible.

It was not easy dealing with Mr. Beckerman as he reveled in the idea of keeping this place as one big changing room. The amount of testosterone floating around this place on any given day is enough to make even the strongest willed woman have a nervous breakdown so to say gaining the respect of this team was difficult is an understatement. Though as with any good leader I learned to understand the mindset of just about everyone on this team. It is quite amazing to me how even the most cocksure male always has a soft side and trust me this was the only way for me to even begin to establish some sort of structure in this place. Soon enough though everybody began to understand the structure and before I knew it, they craved it. Now I'm not saying my job is over because believe me nobody works longer hours on this team then myself. Not that I couldn’t handle my own on the battlefield but at this moment, I am needed elsewhere.

With all of that being said the real reason I am writing this is because today I have had to do something that in all of the five years of dealing with this team, I have honestly never had the misfortune of doing. The task I am referring to is one that involves me breaking the news to someone that they must forfeit their life for the last time. I have never had to deal with this situation before as Bryan has up until this point, insisted that we did not allow it to happen. But as I learned very early on in this position, change is just another part of this game. Rolling with the punches I believe is what they say. With that though I will hand it off to you Mr. Watcher and I thank you for giving me the opportunity to explain myself to the people of this league. I trust that every other IL officer understands where I am coming from and I wish for him or her to come out into the open as well. I would be very interested to know how it is you run your ship. I would love to one-day meet so we can discuss the differences in implementation techniques. It would be a real pleasure to form our own organization as well.

Nickatu: Thank you miss Granger, would it be too much trouble for me to start this match or would you like to continue to report on the mundane nature of your own existence?

Hermione: Well there is no need to be cross. I deserve every bit of respect as any of the rest of my teammates. Well without me, they would not have even the slightest idea of where to begin their day.

Nickatu: Oh my god, okay I’m sorry. You are a vital part of this team and I hope other teams reach out to you so you finally have someone else to spout your wonderful story to.

Hermione just glared at me for a while before she turned around and quickly walked away.

Nickatu: Jeez, I apologize for that. I had no idea that severe repression could lead to something so inanely boring. Anyways, I gotta go watch Hermione tell this dumbass Stormtrooper that he is finally gonna die. All right, no more talking from me, just the straight details.

As we all know now, it was to be Hermione Granger's job to deliver the bad news to the lowly Stormtrooper and this is the meeting that she talked about in such wondrous detail.

Hermione was sitting in her office when she heard a knock on her door.

Hermione: Come in.

ST#15: Hey, I got a message that you wanted to see me. (Stormtrooper #15 talks like any trucker that you might meet driving down Masturbation Ally in Indiana).

Hermione: Yes, please come in and take a seat. There is something of great importance that I would like to discuss with you, ah Mr... Stormtrooper #15.

ST#15: Call me Buzz, that's what everybody has been calling me for years now.

Hermione: Well okay Mr. Buzz.

ST#15: It's after by boy Buzz Light-year.

Hermione: Buzz Light-year?

Buzz: Yeah, you know from those Toy Story movies.

Hermione: Yes I believe I have heard of them.

Buzz: Heard of them, I figured someone of yur age would have watched them.

Hermione: I've never been much for cinema, as there always seems to be so many other interests that take my attention away.

Buzz: Well there my favorite and I just respect the hell out of that little guy. Check this out.

Buzz lifts his sleeve up from his shirt and exposes a very large Buzz Light-year tattoo on his left arm.

Buzz: Had this done back in year one, it's my pride and joy.

Hermione: Well that's nice, but I have something that I need to discuss with you.

Buzz: Well I'm here aren't I.

Hermione: Well as everybody on this team knows, Mr. Beckerman has had a strict no-death policy on this team. It is well known throughout this great league of ours that the only team that does not have any members on the graveyard is ours. It is with great pride that I strive to uphold all of Mr. Beckerman's wishes and I am very fond of this fact. With that being said, I have brought you in here today because it is with great sadness that I must inform you that as of today that policy is being done away with.

Buzz: Well okay. What does that have to do with me?

Hermione: Well I am sure that you are well aware that you do in fact have 9 deaths Mr. Buzz. You do understand that don't you?

Buzz: Yeah, I'm aware of that.

Hermione: Well as the Internal Liaison for this team it is my unfortunate job to inform you that you are to be starting this week against the Transfoamers. Which as you very well know could lead to your demise. I am of course very sorry about this and I am here for you if you need somebody to discuss this with.

Buzz: So yur sayin that this might be it?

Hermione: Yes, after this match...you may not be coming back.

Buzz: (Takes a couple of moments and let's out a large sigh) Okay, wow. I've heard about this with other teams but...wow.

Hermione: I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now. If there is anything that you need from me, I am here for you.

Buzz: Well, if I ain't comin back, then I guess there isn't anything I do need. Wow, damn.

Hermione: I am so sorry Mr. Buzz.

Buzz: Yeah, thanks I suppose. Hey...Ms. Granger is it?

Hermione: Yes, what is it?

Buzz: Well if this is my last time in this place there is something.

Hermione: Yes, just name it.

Buzz: Well, I don't know how to put it…but us Stormtroopers are, well, were a lonely type of man and it has been a long time since...

Hermione: Anything but that.

Buzz: You said anything. I mean, I might not ever be back here. You said so yur self.

Hermione: (Pauses) Well...all right. You better not let any word of this leak out or I swear I will send you to the graveyard myself.

Buzz: Yes m'am.

Hermione: (Under her breathe) Oh god, if Harry and Ronald only knew what I've been reduced to on this team. (Speaking to Buzz) Just please make this quick.

Buzz: Yeah, I don't think that was ever going to be a problem.

Exactly Two Minutes and Fifteen seconds later:

Buzz: Well thanks a lot Ms. Granger, I think I am about as prepared as I will ever be for this match.

Hermione just gives a small smile and refuses to look up at Buzz as the shame at what she has done pours over her face.

Hermione: Yes, well. Good luck out there I suppose.

Buzz: To Infinity and Beyond!

Hermione: Okay then.

Buzz walked out of Hermione's office, as I believe she began to vomit profusely into a waste paper basket at the corner of her desk.

Anyways...let's finally get to this match thing-a-mah-do.

Yellow Lantern Bryan Beckerman is the first combatant I see out here in the dark and desolate reaches of space. He has entered this match with his yellow lantern ring standing at attention. Which of course with him means his swollen member is out in the forefront and standing proud, glowing with the yellow energy he so obviously enjoys. Seriously, I think he did something to it because it just doesn't look right. It's like he put an extender on and pumped it full of HGH. Regardless of what he did though, he is obviously ready for battle.

YL Bryan Beckerman: There is nothing to fear but fear itself! By fear of course I mean my immense C#$@!!!

Bryan Beckerman then unleashed his fury and instantly annihilated Purple Dragons #19 & 20 and Stripe who was riding #20. Beckerman laughed as he watched the dragon’s turn into a blur of burnt yellow right before his eyes.

YL Bryan Beckerman: Enjoy my release you purple headed monsters!!!

Kryptonian Soldier #20: How about you enjoy my fist instead.

Kryptonian Soldier #20 (which will from now on be referenced to as KS#20) came in quick but Beckerman was able to defend himself with his yellow energy aura.

BL Bryan Beckerman: Lame come back boy, the punch wasn't much to brag about either. How about you show me why everybody thinks so highly of you Kryptonians because as far as I'm concerned you're nothing but another b***h for me to f@%$!

Seconds later all ten Kryptonian Soldiers appeared before him and showed them what an interstellar gangbang would look like. The upside for Beckerman is that it was a quick one as the Kryptonian Soldiers turned him into a bloody yellow pulp before anyone else on B3 was able to come to his rescue.

KS#14: Well at least he's out of the picture.

KS#15: You do realize that he is our least important opponent we will be facing today don't you?

KS#18: Yeah seriously, the fact that Lois over here (he pointed right at KS #20) couldn't kill him on his own isn't exactly a good sign.

KS #14: Okay true, but if we can stay together in this we should be able to take out anything they have to throw at us.

KS #15: Yeah I hope you're right, but I'm not gonna get my hopes up too high just yet.

KS #17: Yeah especially with the team we came out here with today, I know these Transformers are big powerful robots but there isn't much a car or a truck can do in space.

KS #12: Well what if we drove them?

KS #11: Why would we do that? We can fly ourselves and all we'd be doing is limiting our own movement. If anything we should use them as projectiles.

KS #15: I'm fine with that. They sure as shit aren't gonna do a whole lot of good on their own.

After a quick discussion about this it was decided that using the transformers as weapons would be the plan. I can safely say that they did not discuss this plan with their robotic teammates as I can’t imagine they would be glowing with support over the idea. Not that I blame them or anything, starting a car in space isn't going to get you anywhere fast.

Victory Leo: Oh hey look, cars in space. That looks like a trip to nowhere if you ask me.

Star Saber: Haha, yes sir. So you want to do this thing?

Victory Leo: Hell yeah I do. Nothing quite like letting you enter me.

Star Saber: Would you stop saying that, you make it sound so much more scandalous then it actually is.

Victory Leo: Ha, yeah. Whatever man, get over here and mount me. I'm craving your smell.

Star Saber: I'm sure you are.

As the Spice Girls once said, the 2 of them became 1 and formed Victory Saber. The elite transformer duo then headed directly over to Movie Mirage and with one blast of energy completely wiped him out of this match.

Victory Saber: Almost too easy.

KS #18: Okay now, launch them!

Victory Saber: What the Hell!

Kryptonian Soldiers #11-13 then launched Leadfoot, Roadbuster and Topspin faster then the speed of sound at the combined transformers and made quick work of them. In the debris of the collision it was impossible to tell which parts were the Wreckers and which parts were Victory Saber.

KS #17: I know that worked but we killed three of our own guys to get rid of two of theirs. Not exactly working out how I thought this would.

As the Kryptonian Soldiers discussed this a bit further I overheard Lord Chaos and Master Order talking in the background...of space I assume. I don't know really where it was coming from but it was around here somewhere.

Master Order: They are using their own teammates as weapons; I saw that correctly didn't I?

Lord Chaos: Yes, yes you did.

Master Order: Are we really needed here?

Lord Chaos: Doubtful but as I literally have nothing else to do so I might as well stick around. I mean, do whatever you want, I totally understand if you want to ditch and leave.

Master Order: No, if you're staying I'm staying to. Plus we can't let Tweener get out of hand.

Lord Chaos: Why not, it's not like it ever affects us negatively.

Master Order: Yeah but he sometimes makes us look bad, you know what I mean.

Lord Chaos: I suppose, well just wait a few more minutes and we'll see where things are. You hungry?

Master Order: Yeah I'm starving, the pre-match meal wasn't much today. Hermione's slacking on her duties.

Lord Chaos: Well you heard what happened didn't you?

Master Order: No, what are talking about?

Lord Chaos: You know that Stormtrooper that's flying around doing nothing out there?

Master Order: Yeah, the one with 9 deaths.

Lord Chaos: Well I guess she had a meeting with him because she felt so awful about him going out there for his final death.

Master Order: Uh huh.

Lord Chaos: Well, let's just say he's flying around out there with a little bit of her with him.

Master Order: Shut Up! Shut Up! Are you serious?

Lord Chaos: That's what I heard.

Master Order: Wowwww. Hermione, Hermione. I had no idea she was such a slutty girl.

Lord Chaos: Yeah, I guess you just never know.

Master Order: You know what would be funny.

Lord Chaos: What?

Master Order: This match isn't gonna be on much longer and I'm not quite sure who is going to die but wouldn't it funny if...

Lord Chaos: Yes, oh yes we have to do this.

Master Order: Let's end this thing right now because I cannot wait to see what happens.

Lord Chaos: Oh my god, oh my god I can't wait to get back to the locker room.

Master Order: Oh god, those Kryptonian Soldiers did some damage down there. I suppose we really should intervene.

Lord Chaos: Okay fine, but we are doing this thing to that hillbilly trooper. I need to see the look on Hermione's face.

In the meantime, a lot had happened. The funniest bit was when the Transformers ghosts infected Ranx and began to haunt him from the inside. Ranx was so scared that he turned his powers on himself and self-destructed. Which did kill the ghosts but also knocked out the Sentient City. Though the Kryptonian Soldiers did decide it was still worth it to use their teammates as weapons, it was truly not to be as Cyclonus and the Armada version of himself easily destroyed the Movie Dreads of Crankhouse, Crowbar and Hatchet.

Sentinel Prime though a fierce foe against anyone on land didn't put up much of a fight as Zombie Superman went straight for the head of the massive robot. The zombie did end up killing the Prime but was very unhappy when found out how awful his metallic brain tasted. He still sat over by the dead machine and continued to chew but he didn't look very pleased.

This naturally left nobody but the Kryptonian Soldiers left on the Transfoamers but let's be honest here, that is really all they had going for themselves in the first place. First KS # 14, 15 & 19 went after Zombie Superman and KS # 12 & 13 went after Cyclonus and his Armada. Zombie Superman was the first to fall and he did so pretty ungraciously as all he tried to do was bite and claw his way onto the Soldiers. He was killed with no loss to the foamers.

Cyclonus and his Armada didn't fare much better as KS # 12 & 13 destroyed them rather quickly. Though Cyclonus did manage to cut the ankle off of KS #13, which honestly out here in space didn't really seem to affect him too much. With every single Kryptonian Soldier still mostly intact, this fight was starting to look a little more hopeful for the Transfoamers.

KS #18: Okay everybody listen up. We've stuck together so far and it's worked. We need to continue doing this and...Hold on one second.

KS #18 then sent a blast of energy towards the Overlord and completely annihilated him.

KS #18: Okay where was I?

KS #17: Something about working together blah, blah, blah...

KS #18: Okay yeah, we need to all stick together and..F@#$ hold on again.

KS #18 sees Stormtrooper #15 flying near them in his Z-95 Headhunter and sets off to fire off at him when he suddenly disappears. He is taken aback for a second and then turns back to his team to continue.

Lord Chaos: Nice move.

Master Order: There is no way they are screwing this one up for us.

KS #18: Okay as I was saying, we need to stick together and by that I mean we need to focus all of our energy at Ego.

KS #19: What are you crazy? Mogo is going to be directly behind us no matter where we begin our attack.

KS #18: That's exactly what I'm counting on. Now we need to do this quickly because we are running out of time.

The entire Kryptoninan army takes off toward Ego and begins to concentrate all of its energy on the planet. The blast is immense and Ego is taking a beating when out of the darkness a planet size blast of green energy comes directly towards him. As an instinct he immediately sends a massive blast of energy back towards Mogo and in only a few moments time, the two planets completely destroy each other.

KS #15: Holy s#$@, how did you know they would do that?

KS #18: I knew that Mogo would want to defend his teammate so I figured if we could pin ourselves in between the two, we could just have them attack each other and kill two birds with one stone.

KS #11: Or kill two planets with one plan.

The rest of the crew just looked at KS #11 and stared blankly back at him.

KS #18: No offense, but f#$% you!

In-Betweener: Impressive job so far. Your team is quite a bit better then I give you credit for. With that being said though, I am curious how you will be able to handle something quite like this.

KS #18: Like what?

KS #19: Yeah, bring it b***h!

As KS #19 says this, the In-Betweener uses his immense cosmic powers to turn KS #11-15 into Bizarro versions of themselves and they instantly begin to attack the remaining regular Kryptonian Soldiers. The fight is brutal and it is quick as both Bizarro KS and regular KS's beat the life out of each other. In the end, only KS #18 is left standing. Well really he is left floating as his mostly unconscious body is just lying there in space.

In-Betweener: That is what I thought you would say. Hey guys, can you let Buzz out of his cage now, I have something that I want him to do.

(All I hear is grumbling from up above)

In-Betweener: Come on just let him out. The Kryptonian is unconscious; Buzz is not going to die. I promise you that you will still get your little show when we get back to the locker room.

(A bit more grumbling)

Then out of nowhere Stormtrooper #15 appears in his Z-95.

In-Betweener: Now let's blow this thing and go home.

Stormtrooper #15: To infinity and...

In-Betweener: You can't use the same one-liner twice in the same match, sorry team policy.

Stormtrooper #15: Team policy, last time I checked team policy didn't hold the same weight as it used to.

In-Betweener: Whatever, just kill the f#$%er so we can go home.

Stormtrooper #15: Yes Sur!

Buzz then begins to light up the Kryptonian Soldier and before long his body is nothing but a tattered mess of laser blasts and frozen blood. The Stormtrooper is of course elated that he was able to escape death and get the final kill for his team, though nobody was more excited about this fact then Master Order and Lord Chaos.

Back at the Backyardigan's Team Offices

Hermione: What!?! No, this cannot be happening. How on earth did he survive? Oh god, I think I am going to be sick.