Slaves Vs. Kennelz

First, an anatomy lesson:

(Ryan isn't the only one who can pimp his art on this site)

Class dismissed. Now, on to some watching:

A buncha dudes such as: Fernus, The-One-Above-All (look at all of those dashes)(9 deaths), The living Tribunal, Black Lantern Superman, Zilius Zox (Red Lantern), B'dg (9 deaths), Tomar Tu, Mr. Miracle, The Hydra, Skaar Son of Hulk (w/ red lanter ring), Suaron (w/ The ONE ring), Sauramon, Defensor (Hot Spot, First Aid, Grooves, Blades, and Streetwise), BL Harry Potter, Taki, Patroclus, Beavis & Butthead (w/ Halbread & Lavarouk), Sandworms #16,#17, & #18, The wicked witch of the west (w/ Devil Lance).

Some other dudes: Phoenix Force (Cyclops. Collosssus, Emma Frost, Magik, Namor), Anti Monitor, BL Galactus, BL Silver Surfer, Super Girl (Ariella Kent), Shazam (Freddie Freeman), BL Bizzaro Superman, Bizzaron Supergirl, Steel Superman (w/ blue lantern ring), Pre-suit Darth Vader (w/ vader's red light saber, as if it makes a difference, when they hit each other they stop, they all seem about the same), Clone Darth Maul & Nightsister Witch #15, Scorponok (9 deaths), Lord Zarak (9 deaths), Kup (with green lantern ring), Brawn (also with green lantern ring), Oa Gurdian #2-5 (#2 has a green lantern ring & 9 deaths), BL Nick Houslander (9 deaths).

The Slaves have a player’s only meeting before the match.

"This is a cut throat league!" one of the Slaves shouts. "If we are going to make the playoffs this year, we need at least one or two more wins. Seriously, we need to clamp down and win a couple. We should do it in style. Every death should be in the neck area."

The universe knows nothing of coincidence, only synchronicity. As such, this is what happened in the Kennelz’ locker room:

"The race for the playoffs is neck and neck. Therefore, we should celebrate by killing only by neck." Says an indescernable voice in the Kennelz Locker room. 

"I concur" says somebody else.

So the battle begins.

While I can sense the usual bloodlust from both teams as they prepare for battle, some very different thoughts are coming from the Slave’s The-One-Above-All:

“The Fantasy Fantasy League is a cold place. Born from the draft list, 10 entire lives spent fighting, killing, and being killed, then spending an eternity in the graveyard. It’s a trap with no way out. This may be a fine life for these grunts, but it is no end for me. I will break the cycle. I will kill everyone and escape.”

The battle starts in a desert part of the playoff planet. The Kennelz know that sandworms can be a hassle to deal with and dispatch Pre-suit Darth Vader to handle them. He pulls out his lightsaber and quickly lops the heads off of the sandworms.

Meanwhile, Black Lantern Galactus is growing stronger by eating the necks of all of the Slaves ring wielders. I see the bodies of Fernus, B’dg, Tomar Tu, Skaar, and Sauron at the feet of Black Lantern Galactus. The-One-Above-All sees this and decides to put an end to it.

“Enough, this will end now.” Says The-One-Above-All. He then suspends all of the Kennelz nearby into the air like puppets, including Shazam, Kup, Brawn, Anti-Monitor, Clone Darth Maul, Nightsister Witch, The Oa Guardians, and the Phoenix Force. “You are all pathetic and deserving of your fate.” He then snaps their necks with a snap of his thumb, their dead bodies falling to the ground.

Black Lantern Galactus sees the power of The-One-Above-All and wants it for himself. The-One-Above-All feels his dream of out living the fantasy fantasy league shatter, as well as his second cervical vertebra, as Black Lantern Galactus sinks his teeth into his neck. The-One-Above-All uses the last of his powers to knock BL Galactus off of him. Shocked and mortally wounded, he crawls behind a bush to die.

While BL Galactus chews the piece of flesh from The-One-Above-All, Zilius Zox Takes the opportunity to come at him from behind. He uses his powerful jaw to bite off the neck of BL Galactus. BL Silver Surfer, shocked that the creature could take down BL Galactus. He pauses momentarily as he realizes Zilius Zox doesn’t have a neck. He uses his powers to make Zilius Zox grow a neck, which he immediately cuts open, causing him to bleed out.

The Living Tribunal and BL Silver Surfer spot each other. Each of them knows that if they eliminate the other they will be the most powerful character left in this match. The charge at each other causing the most deadly double clotheslining ever.

Pre-suit Darth Vader, tasked with eliminating all of the odd terrain characters, moves on to The Hydra next. He pulls out his handy dandy light saber and cuts off all of the heads, very predictably.

BL Harry Potter and The Wicked Witch of the West are on their brooms flying full speed trying to escape Super-Girl and Bizarro Supergirl. They then see Steel Superman and BL Bizarro Superman ahead. They make a full and sudden stop that gives them a killer form of whiplash.

BL Superman sees his opportunity to impress the ladies. He swoops in and simultaneously punches his fists through the necks of BL Bizarro Superman and Steel Superman. The superladies are so impressed with his strength that the three of them go to a nearby house where they start a cook-off to win his affection. BL Superman sits down to a table filled with Filet Mignon, Caviar, Foie Gras, Truffles, an amazing cheese spread, along with a bunch of other stuff. The supergirls eagerly await BL Superman’s approval of their food. He looks down at their smorgasbord, looks up at them and then singes their necks off with his heat vision. “Man, girls sure a dumb.” He says to himself as he gorges on their food. Unfortunately he gets a bone stuck in his throat, and with no one around to help, he starts to turn blue. Pre-suit Darth Vader senses this, and runs to him from half way across the planet. Moments before BL superman suffocates, Vader pulls out his lightsaber and swings it through his neck.

Scorponok and Defensor are lock in battle. Scorponol uppercuts Defensor knocking its head off and killing Hot Spot. While Scorponok celebrates the remaining four protectobots attack. Lord Zarak transforms into robot mode and Scorponok turns into a scorpion. Blades manages to run his Helicopter blades through Lord Zarak cutting his head off. Scorponok then systematically clips the heads off of each of the protectobots. Scorponok transforms back into robot mode with his non Lord Zarak head, just in time for Mr. Miracle to fly through his neck killing him.

Pre-suit Vader, a bit tired from running all over the planet, moves to finish off the rest of the Slaves. He force chokes Taki and Patroclus and while they are grabbing at their throats he beheads them. He then marches towards Sauramon who desperately casts several spells on him to no avail. Mr. Miracle tries to come at him from behind but Vader can sense him and turns around just in time to drive his light saber through Mr. Miracles neck. Vader then trips on Sauramon staff and his light sabers goes flying up in the air. Vader lands flat on his back, and his lightsaber comes down and lands right through his throat.

BL Nick Houslander, Beavis, & Butthead all walk out of a house after having played videogames during the previous portion of this match. They look around to see dead and mostly decapitated bodies everywhere.

“This is getting silly.” Says BL Nick Houslander.

“Yeah, um, like, we should do something else instead.” Says Butthead

“Uh, we could race instead, heh heh.” Says Beavis

The three agree that a race would be the best way to end this match.

“Alright, I have setup a finish line other there between those two trees. Whoever gets there first wins.” Remarks BL Nick Houslander, knowing that even if he somehow loses, he could easily kill Beavis and Butthead.

The three race their little butts off. It is quite close but the three get a surprise at the end. I replaced the finish line with sharp wire causing all three to be decapitated. Who won the race you might ask? I don’t know, it was neck and neck.

……………

I look around the battlefield and see only death. Who won this match? Is this a tie? It is then that I see some rustling behind a bush.

The-One-Above-All crawls out from behind the bush where he lay, and slowly makes his way towards the ocean. There, he finds an abandoned raft, pushes off into the ocean, and trusts his hand to fate. Many days later, dehydrated, starving, and nearly dead, he washes up on the shore of an unknown island, where he is taken in by the locals and nursed back to health. He impresses the locals with his superior knowledge and abilities, and becomes their leader. Over the years, he has many wives and children, and leads his new found nation to many victories. He introduced many technologies he knew of from his days in the FFL, becoming a god amongst men and eventually becoming ruler of the entire planet.

One night, in his later years, The-One-Above-All looked out of the balcony of his palace to admire all that he had accomplished. He had built an empire. Even more impressive than that, he did what so many FFL characters had sought to do, which was to cheat death. Content with his life and accomplishments, he lay down for bed. Shortly after falling asleep, he heard a voice calling to him.

“The-One-Above-All” said the voice.

The-One-Above-All sat up in bed, but could not see anyone. “Are you a ghost?” asked The-One-Above-All

“No, look down here.” said the voice. The-One-Above-All looked down to see a very short (about 2’) and VERY hairy man.

“Cousin It? Is that you? How did you make it past security?” said The-One-Above-All “I am not cousin It, I am Josh Houslander. Not an FFL character Josh Houslander, but the real life commissioner one.”

“What do you want?” asked The-One-Above-All

“I have been tracking your progress. I must say, at first I was maddened that someone in my league had cheated death.  After monitoring you for a while, and deciding how to handle you, I came to admire what you have accomplished. Your empire building is worthy of the FFL Hall of Fame. I no longer wish to end your life, but instead have come here with an offer.”

“What would that be?” The-One-Above-All

“I want to bring you back with me to the real world and make you real. I will make you an FFL team owner and stock your roster with all of your progeny and warriors. I will even rig next year’s lottery so that you will receive the first overall pick. You have mastered this world, The-One-Above-All. Now come with me to the real one!”

Josh Houslander reaches his hand out and nods his head.

The-One-Above-All pauses for a moment to take in what is happening to him. Overjoyed, he hurriedly steps out of bed.  He feels something slippery under foot and loses his balance, crashing down onto his neck. In his last moments, his brain scrambles to make sense of what just happened. As he lies on his floor approaching death, he sees Josh Houslander bend over to pick up a banana peel. “No one can escape the FFL Graveyard!” Josh Houslander maniacally exclaims as The-One-Above-All fades to his death.