S6W8 - Midgets vs. Horsemen

Fizzatu here, coming at you again in the first person.  In my first year as watcher I have been given the difficult task of writing a former champion each week since week 3.  This week will prove to be my most difficult yet.  I get to write the battle between one of the biggest rivalries in the league, the battle of the two commissioners.  Both teams threw everything at this one so let’s hope I don’t eff this one up too much.  Hang on, here are the two pimp ass sqauds these guys are putting up:

The Horsemen are: Sandworm #14, Sheeana Brugh, Superman, Anti-Monitor, John McClaine (w/ Oscorp Glider), Snowflame, Joker (w/M202A Rocket Launcher), Lord Voldemort (9 Deaths), Michael Myers (9 Deaths.  w/ red lightsaber), Hercules (9 Deaths. w/ Heat Axe), Sersi (9 Deaths), and a Jawa Sand Crawler.

The Midgets are: Alexander the Great and Bucephalus, Emperor Joker, Superboy (Conner Kent), Superboy (Clark Kent), Wolverine (9 Deaths), Space Ghost (9 Deaths), Black Lantern Blip, Boba Fett (w/double bladed red lightsaber) & R2 unit #3 in an A-wing), Salacious B. Crumb, Stilgar, Allia Atreides, Toad (w/ a Yoshii egg), Megalon, Mangy Mouse (w/ indigo Lantern Ring), Black Lantern Ryan Poteracki, Hammer brother Shaun Poteraki, and the Kitchen Sink.

First, before we teleport to The Jundland Wastes for this week’s battle, we will travel in time back about 7 years ago, back when this league only existed in the minds of these two owners.  We watch from above, peering into the living room of Ryan’s apartment back in Novi.  Bud Light bottles scatter the room, along with countless one subject spiral notebooks, and we observe the real life Josh and Ryan deciding on who will make the cut and be on the list of 600 worthy characters who will become the first ones ever drafted in the new Fantasy Fantasy League.  Can everyone see them?  Look how happy they are.  These two put in so many hours in the fall of 2007, cultivating and nurturing this baby together.  It’s hard to believe that in just 6 years this beautiful child of theirs would be the very thing that will fuel their angst for each other.  Josh is getting ready to leave the apartment.  It looks like they are done for the night.

“This is gonna be awesome dude.” Says Josh.

“I know.  Drive safe, we’ll talk tomorrow” Replies Ryan.

“Will do.  Keep your spirit alive.”

Ryan smiles and shakes Josh’s hand.  “Keep your Marvel spirit alive.”

Wow.  Good stuff.  Now let’s teleport these two teams into the match.

Alexander the Great sits atop the mighty Bucephalus and looks toward his troops.  The two suns of Tatooine are beating heavy today.  He delivers the orders given by their team owner Josh Houslander:

“The Horsemen are our ENEMY, make no mistake about it.” Says Alexander.  “ The Brotherhood has yet to defeat The Horsemen and victory is our ONLY option today.  Ryan must be shown the true power of this league and your actions today will show him that our owner is the true and rightful commissioner of this league!”

In the distance, a Jawa Sand Crawler moves into position and stops atop the next dune of sand.  The Horsemen sit inside observing their opponent in the valley below before lowering the hatch on the side.  The characters not capable of flight rush out to meet the Brotherhood below led by 9 death Hercules, a man born to end lives.

“Kill ‘em all!  Show that midget who runs this league!” Screams a blood thirsty Hercules, echoing the passion of his owner.

First to meet their demise is Alia Atreides.  Not even the water of life will save the reverend mother from Hercules’s Heat axe.  Stilgar proves to be a much more worthy adversary, but he too meets his end at the hands of Hercules.  Snowflame is quick to raid the corpses of the two Arrakis natives, knowing their bodies are sure to contain some of the coveted spice mélange.  Cocaine is hard to come by in these parts and that long trek on the sand crawler made him sniff through his supplies rather quickly.  The spice does the trick and Snowflame quickly joins the fight.

Up above, John McClaine is circling in an Oscorp glider but it is quickly dispatched by an energy bolt from Space Ghost.

“Real fucking smart, John!” McClaine screams to himself as the glider begins to spin out of control. “Ryan you are a real asshole.  ‘Come out to Tattoine, we’ll kill a few Midgets, we’ll have a few laughs.’” He says mimicking his last conversation with his team owner.  He manages to fire a few shots from the glider randomly taking out Hammer Brother Shawn Poteracki who is struggling to drag the symbolic kitchen sink through the hot desert sand, thinking it was a real weapon to be used in battle.  McClaine dies in the glider crash also taking out Black Lantern Ryan Poteracki and Sheeana Brugh who were fighting below.  Sheeana’s lifeless body lands on top of BL Ryan who has a piece of shrapnel in his side that has fatally wounded him.  But he isn’t dead yet, and what do you do when a woman is “passed out” on top of you?  Ryan manages to slide his right hand inside her fremen armor and caress her supple left breast.  “Still pretty firm for a chick who is 1500 years old”, Ryan thinks.  Ryan dies smiling as the little blood that remained in his body heads toward his penis causing his other organs to fail.

Salacious B. Crumb is riding along with Megalon, laughing maniacally.  “aaahhh hahahhahaha!” he yells out.  Hercules immediately engages the Giant beast scaling up his back using his heat axe to scale his back like the side of a mountain.  Megalon is firing napalm bombs from his mouth in fury, making the already scorching sand even more unbearable.  The Joker fires back with blasts from his rocket launcher.  Hercules buries his heat axe into Megalon’s scull repeatedly and he suddenly begins to feel himself lift up into the air.  He grabs a hold of the beast tightly and he notices that they are both being levitated by Sersi below.  The beast flails and screams and Sersi does not know her teammate is riding on his back, clutching at his neck.  Boba Fett sees this distraction as an opportunity to take out one of the 9 death combatants for the Horsemen.  He flies straight at the head of his massive teammate and starts to fire at Hercules.  Hercules removes the axe from the back of Megalon and fires it at the A-wing.  Boba Fett is able to eject in time and the A-wing flies into the side of Megalon sending Hercules down to the ground.  Debris from the falling spacecraft lands on The Joker and he manages to get one last decent shot at Megalon before dying.  Fett ignites his lightsaber and as Hercules inhales mouthfuls of hot sand trying to catch his breath, Boba Fett lands on top of him, sending the blade through the top of his skull and sending the mighty Hercules to the graveyard.

Sersi is enraged and releases her grasp on the mammoth beast and Fett’s celebration is shortlived as he, along with Crumb, are crushed by their teammate.  Sersi then runs up to the dying beast and punches out his eye, reaches inside his skull and removes the brain of Megalon.

The ground is still burning as Snowflame is trying to dance around the heat and stay alive.  He sees Mangy Mouse and Blip trying to free the corpse of their tiny friend Salacious B. Crumb out from under the weight of Megalon.  Snowflame sees the opportunity for a couple easy kills.  Using his spice rage, he picks up Mangy Mouse and swings him like a golf club into Blip.  Mangy dies but as Snowflame moves in to crush the little guy, Blip uses his Black Lantern energy to move the flaming sand and it engulfs the two of them until they both do their best Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru impersonation.

Alexander the Great is not amused at the way the match is progressing.  He becomes less amused when he sees the Emperor Joker sitting in the sand, manicuring his nails using a desert rock as an emery board.

“Get out there and do your fucking thing!” Screams Al Dogg the Great.

“In time.” Emperor Joker calmly repiles.  “In time.

In the air, Superman is met by the two Superboys.  Superman flies back toward the ground to lure his enemies toward the sand.  He kicks his cousin Conner and turns his attention toward the younger version of himself.  Wolverine helps Conner to his feet and the two of them see Sersi running to help Superman defeat his younger self.  Without hesitation Conner picks up Wolverine and fires a fastball special at the Eternal sending her to meet Hercules in the Graveyard with one set of blades through her face, and one set buried deep in her chest.

Michael Myers arrives just as Superboy finished throwing Wolverine and ends the life of the young Kryptonian with his Red lightsaber.  He heads toward Wolverine but a hole appears in his chest.  Space Ghost materializes in front of him and sends a second energy bolt toward the head of Myers, ending his FFL reign as well.

“The Tables are turning!” screams Alexander to Emperor Joker.  “Can you do something now?!?”

“In. Time…” He replies annoyed.

“Screw this.”  Says Alexander and he heads into battle himself.

The Anti-Monitor sees the Midget leader rushing toward the fight and moves in.  Space Ghost is quick to join the side of his leader.  Anti-Monitor uses his powers of manipulation to render the power bands on Space Ghost unusable.  In a straight up fight, this is no match.  The Anti-Monitor uses his cosmic powers to literally turn Space Ghost inside out and he falls for the final time.  Lord Voldemort fires a killing curse that misses the Midget leader but does kill Bucephalus.  Alexander scrambles to safety and Toad is there with the Yoshii Egg.

“Here you go captain.” Says toad handing the egg to Alexander the great.

Alexander tosses the egg and Yoshii appears.  Toad give Alexander a boost so he can get on top and they both ride Yoshii back into battle.

Superman is still fighting off his former self.  Superboy is younger and quicker but Superman has more experience and wisdom.  He also knows the weaknesses he had as his younger self.  Superboy manages to get on top of Superman just as the ground begins to rumble.

“It’s about time!” Screams Superman.

As the rumbling gets closer Superman kicks his younger self into the air, right into the gaping maw of Sandworm #14.

Emperor Joker stands up and brushes the sand off.  Alexander and Toad riding atop Yoshii show up.

“Is it ‘Time’ yet?” asks Alexander, sarcastically.

“It is.” Says Emperor Joker.

He soars into the air and possesses the mind of the mighty sandworm.  The Anti-Monitor had moved in to fight Emperor Joker but sets his sights on the Leader of the Midgets, hoping to kill their hopes by killing their leader.  Alexander is holding his own when the Emperor Joker then brings the giant sandworm crashing down on the 4 of them, killing the Anti-Monitor but also the leader of the Midgets, Toad and Yoshii in the process.

“CRUCIO!” Yells Lord Voldemort, firing his wand into the air at Emperor Joker.  This causes him to lose his mental grip on the Sandworm but even in his pain, he turns the entire desert into a lake.  The fall into the water sends Voldemort and Wolverine swimming to safety and Superman uses his heat vision to shoot a hole in the back of the skull of Emperor Joker as he lay face down in the water. 

The giant sandworm floats dead in the water as Voldemort and Wolverine mount it.  Superman flies in to fight wolverine and is cut badly by his blades.

“IMPERIO!” says He Who Shall Not Be Named.  He shoots the curse at Wolverine to try and control him but the curse bounces off his blades and strikes Superman.  This Renders the Man of Steel useless as he lay unconscious on the belly of the beast.  Wolverine wastes no time charging at Voldemort and as he lifts his wand he feels the adamantium claws pierce his torso.  Wolverine pulls Voldemort in close and speaks.

“Say ‘Hi’ to your beloved Hercules for me.” Says Wolverine.

Voldemort grins exposing his jagged smile and says, “Tell him yourself.”

Wolverine looks confused as he feels Voldemort’s wand press into his left ear.  Voldemort then brings his mouth close to his right ear and whispers, “Avada Kedavra”.

A blast of green sparks shoot through the head of Wolverine and they both fall dead into the water.

Monday, May 06, 2013 - Josh sits staring at his phone in a Wendy’s parking lot.  He has just finished reading his match and shakes his head.  But then a thought comes to him and he calls Ryan.

“Sup dude.” Says Ryan answering the phone.

“Hey, You read the match Fizz posted?” asks Josh.

“Yeah, just did.  Hell of a beating you put on my team.”

“Thanks man.  Good luck in the playoffs.  Do our division proud.”

“Always do.” Says Ryan with a slight tinge of arrogance to his reply.  He then realizes the olive branch that is being extended toward him.  “Hey, I have some suggestions for season 7 if you want to hear them sometime.  Maybe come over after the kid is born this summer and we can split a 12 pack like the old days.  What do you say?”

“Sounds fucking awesome dude.”  Josh says smiling knowing Ryan said the words he was looking for.

“Cool.  Hey I gotta get back to work since Fizz can’t ever post a match on time.”

“No prob.   Hey Ry.”

“Yeah Man?”

“Keep your spirit alive.”

Ryan’s face lights up and after a short pause says,  “Keep your Marvel spirit alive.”