John and Vader's House of Sith Aids Vs. George Washington's Slaves

John and Vader’s House of Sith Aids are Ron Burgundy (w/ Quinlon Vos’ lightsaber), Brian Fantana (w/ a magnoguard electrostaff), Brick Tamland (w/ a Trident), Champ Kind (w/ a Battle Axe), and Veronica Corningstone (w/ a M202A1 FLASH Rocket Launcher), and Snow Trooper #6-7.

George Washington’s Slaves are Jedi Master #4.


Jedi Master #4, Season 1 FFL Veteran, master of the force, lifelong member of The Slaves, and one gifted with prescience into the future sits down awaiting the start of the match. The Jedi is dressed slightly strange for this planet in his long brown robe, but it is nothing a fast food chain such as this doesn’t see on a daily basis. He notices that he seems to blend right in on this planet for the most part, as he looks like what the natives would describe as nothing more than an “old white guy”. He meditates while atop the closed off throne of the match setting and ponders how The Slaves have shown more promise this year than they have since their last Universe Bowl appearance in Year 2. He knows that the job he has been given today is not the most glamorous; but that it is in fact a necessary part of the playoffs this season; and he is happy to do his part. He stands up from the seat, pulls down his ceremonial Jedi Robe as he pulls down the seat’s lever (WHAT?!!?... Jedis poop too, and besides; why waste this semi-private moment). Jedi Master #4 then walks over to the terrestrial earth sink and begins washing his hands (because, after all: cleanliness is forceliness). But at that moment the aged Jedi feels a disturbance in the Force and then begins to hear quite a ruckus outside the bathroom door.

Snow Trooper #6: “Mr. Burgundy, before this match starts…. Do you think I could get you to autograph my blaster rifle and helmet?? I’m a big fan.

Ron: Well, of course you are. It happens pretty regularly to people on my side of the spectrum. Let me pull out my Sharpie-Sharp-Sharp and give you a signy-sign-sign. And how about you lucky number 7? Can I make your day with an autograph as well??

Snow Trooper #7: No thanks Mr. Burgundy, you autographed my whole uniform last week, plus I’m kind of crabby. This suit is made for cold climates and it has got to be 75 degrees in this dump. I’m pretty much dying of heat exhaustion.

Champ: Well, no reason to be a sissy about it. WE GOT A MATCH TO WIN!!!! RIGHT NEWS TEAM?!!?

Brian: Hell yeah Champ!!

Ron: Hell yeah champ!!

Brick: I want chicken McNuggets.

Veronica: They just have chicken nuggets here Brick. Chicken McNuggets are only at McDonalds.

Brick: Are you Wendy??

Brian: No, Brick. That’s Veronica. She works with us remember?? Wendy’s is just the name of the restaurant.

Champ: WELL. I GOTTA HIT THE HEAD. WHO’S WITH ME??

Ron: Well, it would be fun if we all went together; but it is the MEN’s bathroom. So Veronica will have to wait here and hold our things.

Brian: Oh, come on Ron. Look at the size of that rocket launcher she is holding. It pretty much makes her a man. And it gives her the second biggest rocket in this group. “IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN” (He says as he playfully nudges Veronica).

Ron: Brian, you are my friend. And I am a believer in the “Bros before Hos”; but if you do not stop goo-goo eyeing my girlfriend than this may need to come to fisticuffs.

Champ: HOLD ON FELLAS!! Let’s save it for The George Washington’s Slaves. He didn’t mean nuthin by it.

The squad boisterously marches into the bathroom which can barely fit all of the combatants, right as Jedi Master #4 feels through the Force that he is significantly outnumbered by the squad that approaches him.

The Sith Aids burst into the room and instantly see their enemy’s blue lightsaber ignite as he is standing at the sink, and at the ready.

Snow Trooper #7: THERE HE IS: BLAST HIM!!!!

The two Snow Troopers and Veronica Corningstone all instantly fire their weapons and begin ripping the bathroom apart with powerful arms fire. Water begins spraying and tile begins to fall as several errant laser blasts and the FLASH Rocket that Veronica shot nowhere near Jedi Master #4 demolish the bathroom. The Jedi Master easily deflects three of the laser bolts back toward the two Snow Troopers and Veronica as well. Killing all three of them.

Ron: MY WORD!! You, you murderer. You killed my girlfriend. She was the love of my life you scoundrel!! We shall duel as the laser-sword-wielding-whatevers-of-old would have!! ON GUARD (He yells as he ignites his own lightsaber).

Burgundy rushes at The Jedi Master and swings his saber wildly; but Jedi Master #4 knocks the saber aside with his own and then delivers a carefully precise quick jab thrust to the heart of the newscaster with his own saber.

Champ: HE KILLED THE BOSS!! LET’S GET IM!!
The three remaining news team members rush at the Jedi with their respective Magnoguard staff, trident and Battle Axe and one by one have their primary weapons hand removed and then receive a lightsaber slice to the chest. First Brick, then Brian, and then finally Champ.

The aged Jedi stands in silent meditation for a moment before he uses the Force to break the Fourth Wall. He finally turns to The Watcher: Joshatu the Spectacular and sends a message to us all.

He says:

“WHAT?!!? It was four retarded newscasters and two scrubs, I’m a freakin Jedi Master. Damn…. You think just because a guy’s a common he can’t start some s&*^t?????