s6w2- The Midgets Vs. The Transfoamers

The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets are:  White Lantern Hal Jordan w/ red lantern ring, Alan Scott's green lantern ring, and a yellow lantern ring, Emperor Joker, Zombie Silver Dragon #2, Magwai #1, Heathclif, Toad, Vampire #100, Star Wolf, Duncan Idaho Ghola #9, Evil Dwarf #1, and Carla from Cheers in The Whiz Wagon, Glom, Hammer Bros. Shaun Poteracki, Bib and Beb

The Transfoamers are: Dark side adept #7-12, Scaramango, Donald "Red" Grant, Ernst Starvo Blofeld, Dr. No, Goldfinger, Odd Job, Dark Side Akoyte #19, Black Lantern Darth Rave  and Megator


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Heh. Gotta tell you, kiddies. I like-a these nifty new powers you gave me. Tres chic'. Not everyday that I get to kill two Watchers in under a week, let alone one with blog access. This could be lots and lots of fun for your good old Uncle Joker. Heh LOTS of fun. Hahahhahahhahahaha

Anyway, let's cut to the chase. Clearly, you "Watchers" just won't let things go, will you? I thought it was clear that I don't want this match to happen. I mean, really. Look at that roster the foamers put up. Do you see ONE Batman up there? Hell, I wouldn't even mind taking a crack at one of the 15,234 Supermen running around. But you're gonna put me, Emperor Joker, up against a bunch of common Star Wars guys, and some Bond villains? Get the fuck right out of town.

Oooooh, that felt good. Lemme drop another one of those. Fuck. Fuck Fuckiity fuck fuckfuckfuck. Yeah, can't be saying shit like that in the DCU proper. Haha.

Anyhoo. Back to what I was saying. This match is a waste of my time and powers, so I took out your guest Watcher before they could even fire up their monitor. That was supposed to be the end. But I guess the joke was on me, cause here we are in the same predicament. If there's one thing I HATE, it's having to explain a joke to people who just. Don't. Get. It.

So here we go kids. Here's you match. Hope you like it.  Emperor Joker kills EVERYONE. Why? Why not. How? With MINDBULLETS!

Sorry about your luck, Transfoamers. But look at it this way. You didn't lose anyone good.


AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

TEAM Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

TEAM is (Red Sun) Superman, Black Lantern Darth Vader, Gannon, (Green Lantern) Batman, Bloodwynd, Red Devil, Fred Baker, and Cock Sneak Goomba #4.
Team Sleeping Pussy is (Vampire) Batman, D’Spayre, Vampirella, (Zombie) Nightmare, (Zombie) Ryan Poteracki, Brother Blood, Shi’ar Warrior #1, (Western) Ghost Rider, and Andrew Bennett.

Hey everybody, Neon Master Pogo here to bring you some wild and crazy times here at the beautiful Fantasy Fantasy Graveyard and Resort. I’ve spent the whole week here just chillin out maxin-relaxin all coolin and I decided that I should probably watch this match, now that the deadline is well… Nowish or so. I’ve hung out in the sunshine and smelled the fresh flowers growing all week, I’ve went and paid my respects to class-act guys like Darkseid and Thanos, and even went and put a little plastic Canadian flag on Wolverine’s grave… What do mean Wolverine still isn’t dead. Okay, my bad so I guess you caught me in a bit of a fib; but either way, let’s get this piece of crap going. I have transported the teams to a beautiful series of flower beds here in the graveyard, simply because that is where I want to hang out; and I’ve arranged the characters next to the people who I want to see them fight (because I get whatever I want). Let’s start with (Red Sun) Superman squaring off against D’Spayre. I for one am excited as “all get-out” to see Superman back fighting for TEAM, even if it a distorted Commie version of ol’ Kal. D’Spayre attempts to instill fear in the Last Son of Krypton; but the Cold Warrior only knows one thing to do against something that you are afraid of… Destroy it without prejudice, which is exactly what Superman does to the demon by blasting him with enough freeze breath to make him brittle and then smashing him in to little pieces.
Bloodwynd and Ghost Rider both went in to this match thinking that they would be doing nothing but causing the people around them to feel the pain and anguish of all the murdered souls in the vicintity; but their extremely similar powers seem to be negating each other. But Bloodwynd is still able to awaken enough muscle memory in the Zombie version of Nightmare to turn his own powers against him. Zombie Nightmare recalls all of the pain he has caused victims through their dreams, that his already rotting skin begins to melt off of his bones. The Old West version of Ghost Rider should be outmatched against the likes of Green Lantern Batman, but the Ghost Rider feels right at home in this graveyard; which boosts his power significantly. Ghost Rider uses his penance stare to bring back the pain and agony that Bruce Wayne experienced at the death of his parents and is then able to engulf him in hell fire via the spirit of vengeance.
The Cock Sneak Goomba, sure is cocky, and he is pretty sneaky as well; but it doesn’t stop Andrew Bennett from stomping on his head (100 points in the bank yo).
Red Devil may have a plethora of cool toys to go along with his powers; but his rocket-powered trident is nothing compared to the king of toys himself Batman. Vampire Batman uses his batarang grappling hook to tie up the feet of Blue Devil’s sidekick and pull him flat on to his back. Batman then bares his teeth and lunges on to Red Devil, latching on to his neck and feeding off of the Teen Titan.
Fred Baker has watched enough Walking Dead to know exactly what to do when he sees the likes of Zombie Ryan rolling up on him. Baker does not hesitate for a second as he takes his machete and slices Zombie Poteracki’s head clean off.
Brother Blood and Gannon both stand completely still as Brother Blood attempts to tap in to the mind of Gannon and Gannon attempts to cast a death spell on Blood. They both break free from the others attempted attacks but once the skirmish turns in to a melee one, Gannon manages to gain the upper hand by physically overpowering the smaller Brother Blood.
Black Lantern Vader is outnumbered 2 to 1 by The first of The Shi’ar warriors and Vampirella, but despite this being his first FFL outing since his return from the grave, Vader does not look the least bit frightened. Vampirella and the Shi’ar attack in unison but Vader manages to dodge the initial attack of Vampirella and move towards the Shi’ar first. The Warrior manages to parry the first swing of Vader’s lightsaber; but the now dead fallen Jedi then goes for a more direct approach, as he takes his black gloved left hand and uses it to rip out the heart of the Shi’ar Warrior and then shove it into his feeding tube on his chest. Vampirella comes back with a vengeance; but Vader is able to move even quicker than his extremely swift opponent and remove her head with his trusty red lightsaber.
The two teams regroup, with the pussies realizing quick that they are outnumbered and if they are going to pull this thing out, than they are going to have to attack quickly and as a unit. Vampire Batman somehow has a residual green glow about him, ever since Green Lantern Batman was killed. It seems as though the power of the ring is slightly confused as to whether or not it’s owner still lives. This is probably how he, with the combined powers of the spirit of vengeance are able to overtake a surprised Black Lantern Vader. The Black Lantern Sith is knocked down by the weight of Ghost Rider’s mystical horse and his helmet is cracked and exposing his fragile head by the heightened strength of Vampire Batman and the sharp edges of his bloody batarang. Bloodwynd and Supes quickly rush in to defend their TEAMmate, but they only get there in time for revenge. Superman crushes the flaming skull of Ghost Rider like every deserving capitalist while Bloodwynd uses his mystical gem powers to drive a newly materialized wooden stake through the heart of Vampire Batman (but not before Batman’s missed batarang catches Fred in the jugular to take him out of the match). Bennett now stands toe to toe with Superman and Bloodwynd; but before he can attempt this major longshot, he is caught in the head by an arrow from the bow of Gannon.

Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve Vs. Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers

Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve are The Phoenix Five: Cyclops, Collossus, Emma Frost, Namor, and Magik, The Ghostbusters: Peter Venkman, Ray Stanz, Egon Spengler, and Winston Zeddimore, Zombie Absorbing Man, Zombie Mr T., The Matrix Twins, and Avengelyne.
Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers are Archangel, Daken, Fantomex and EVA, Vengeance, Vampire Yoda, Sumara (w/ Legion Flight Ring), Mrs. Voorhies (w/ red lantern ring), Damien Thorn (w/ yellow lantern ring), Mrs. Blaylock, Damien’s Rotwiler, Ghostface (w/ red lightsaber), Raven Knight (Immell #11), and The Monkguin.

These teams waste no time squaring off in the throne room of the lair of Carlos Olivera: Ruler of The Graveyard, and first ever character to inhabit this domain of death and destruction. Along with his right hand men Goblin #1 and Little Goomba #1, they police the comings and goings of all characters in the FFL. Egon is forced to throw away his PKE Meter, as it is driving everybody crazy by running at top capacity ever since they showed up at the Graveyard: “OKAY, We get it. There are ghosts HERE”!! Yelled Venkman as he gave Egon a wicked stink eye before the scientist discarded the tool into a firey crevice in the ground. Ray makes the first move and yells “there’s one”!! As he and his fellow busters turn their proton packs on Ghostface. They are quickly reminded that proton packs work just as good (or better) at busting humans as they do ghosts, as they fry Ghostface alive. Avengelyne at first seems outmatched by Raven Knight’s superior weaponry (her red lightsaber) and her magical abilities but Avengelyne manages to duck under the attack of Raven knight and find a spot under the left arm of The Immell’s to fill with her blade. Zombie Absorbing Man, grabs a hold of Sumara and realizes that his undead absorbing abilities can’t handle the pure evil locked inside of Sumara. Sumara allows the release of just enough of her energy to overload the zombie.

Dozens of dead FFLers are spotted running from the Biker spirit known simply as Vengenace, but The Phoenix Five are moving directly towards him. The Biker blasts his spikes at them, but Collossus moves faster than a character of his size should ever be able to, to rip the spirit right out of Vengeance, limb by limb. The Phoenix Five are then presented with the threat of Vampire Yoda, along with a contingent of The Dope Fiends mutants, but as this battle heats up, we shall examine some of the other fighting…

The Monkguin, as if he were not powerful enough with all of his inherent abilities from that of both a monkey and a penguin uses all of his training he received from the secret government agency that developed him. It is this training that makes it take a least an extra few seconds for Zombie Mr. T to grab that fool and start eating him. Damien smiles very creepily as he avenges the Monkguin by ripping Mr. T to pieces with his yellow power ring. The Matrix twins have their long history of battling for The Kennellz (dating all the way back to the team being known as The Outsiders) in mind as they decide that this place should suit them just fine after they give their lives in this battle. They draw out their switchblades and ignite their lightsabers one last time as they are hell bent on taking as many Dope Fiends with them as possible before they go. When the twins first arrive they see Damien Thorn and his crew of nasty Mcnastersons having their way with The Ghostbusters (I admit it, I just thought it would be funny for The Matrix Twins to try and save The Ghostbusters). Mrs. Voorhies is slicing and dicing Egon while Mrs. Baylock and the dog are both using their teeth to finish off Winston. The twins rip through Zeddimore’s attackers first with their duo of slicing weapons, and move on to their boss Damien. Damien blasts yellow energy at the pair; but the twins are able to dodge the attacks and then slice him in to thirds with simultaneous swings of their green sabers. They remove Mrs. Voorhies head next, but not before she is able to run Ray through. The twins make short work of The Friday the 13th villain but the antagonist from The Ring proves a bit more difficult as she just looks at twin #2 to capture what essence he had left and make sure it stays right here in The Graveyard. Matrix Twin #1 is able to use a mix of his powers left over from the original matrix, along with his lightsaber to avenge his brother’s death, but his victory leaves no time for celebration as Vampire Yoda beheads him without breaking stride on his way to battle The Phoenix Five.

Vampire Yoda, much to the surprise of The Dope Fiend team that drafted him is not at all evil. He still has a thirst for blood and an undead soul; but the residual force power in his being and the sheer amount of midi-chlorians in his cells is more than enough to overcome whatever evil the vampire disease could have caused for him. Cyclops unleashes a full phoenix-powered optic blast towards the vampire Jedi Master, but Yoda ignites his lightsaber and blocks it. Yoda struggles to hold back the power; but it is not his force ability that gives out, it is his weapon. Yoda looks down to see his own lightsaber melting under the power of Cyclops forcing him to let go of the damaged weapon and duck under the attack. Yoda leaps and runs to dodge Cyclops’ attacks after his saber is fully destroyed and jumps up to the neck of Cyclops ripping out his Adam’s Apple with his new found vampire teeth. Yoda then shows Magik the true meaning of her name by force pushing her into the lava moat guarding King Olivera’s throne (but not before Magik rips apart EVA with ease). Archangel and Daken have never much liked each other. Whether it be here as members of The Dope Fiends or on their former team, The Horsemen of Apokolips. But they can’t deny how well they work together, or how well their methods match up (and hey, at least they have one thing in common… They both think Wolverine is a dick). The two of them, along with Fantomex take on both Collossus and Emma Frost, while the weaponless Yoda is finally caught in the bare hands of Namor and relieved of his head through the strength of Namor’s Phoenix backed Atlantean strength. Emma Frost manages to use her powers of energy projection to wipe out Fantomex (see Ryan, now Emma Frost actually does have energy projection powers… So there (anybody else actually remember that season one comment board debate??)). But Archangel uses his teammates demise to swoop in behind Frost and catch her off guard. He manages to use his wings to slice he in half Darth Maul style at the waste. Collossus then grabs a hold of Archangel and snaps his neck right before Daken is catches the Russian from behind actually chipping his claws as he plunges them through his organic steel body and into his heart. The last remaining member of The Phoenix Five begins to size up Daken; but before their skirmish can begin Avengelyne sneaks up from behind the son of Wolverine and uses her sword to inflict the will of out creator upon the sinner Daken (he can’t heal from it, cause God said so). Venkman exclaims “I love this team!! Let’s do that whole Universe Bowl thing again this year”!! As…

S6W2 – Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies vs. The Royal Highness

Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies are: Zombie King Kong, Black Lantern Guy Gardner, Zombie Darth Maul, Black Lantern Grievous, Black Lantern Qui Gon Jinn, and 27 Ewoks. (# 6 -9. and 11-33)

The Royal Highness is: Phantom Stranger, Doomslayer, Jack Skellington, Oogie Boogie, Maleficent(Disney), Mumm-Ra, Morgan Le Fey, and Dave Thomas

The Murderflies are transported to the FFL graveyard and immediately the obnoxious number of ewoks take to the trees and begin to scurry into the darkness, hiding behind tombstones. The remaining members are more reserved to start the match. They slowly walk around until each of them finds the headstones bearing their names. The earth is dug up and only empty pits remain at their feet. Even though they have been resurrected as Black Lanterns and zombies, the pain and memories of dozens of deaths are still as fresh in their minds as this morning's breakfast. They know that a poor performance today will just bring them one step closer to dying... for good... again.

Their moment of reflection is over. BL Qui Gon senses a silent attack and Maleficent is dead before she even knows that he turned around. He looks over her shoulder as his lightsaber through her torso illuminates the graveyard behind her. He sees the Phantom Stranger step out in front of him and he withdraws his weapon letting the Mistress of Evil fall lifeless at his feet. Qui Gon takes a step forward and Doomslayer blindside punches him exploding his head like the watermelons that Letterman used to drop on 51^st street. Zombie Darth Maul does some unnecessary backflips and takes a charge at Mumm-Ra. Darth Maul appears more obsessed with dancing and strafing in a circle than he does with actual engaging an attack. Mumm-Ra quickly becomes bored with the ballet and dispatches the horned faced sith with a lightning bolt just as BL Grievous removes his head.

“What's this? What's this? There's creatures everywhere!

What's this? What's this? They're covered in fuzzy hair!”

Jack Skellington has taken to song as the ewoks begin to swarm. They fall out of the trees and run in from the shadows.

“Oh no! Oh no! They've taken off my head!

Oh no! Oh no! I think I'm really dead!”

He is in fact dead but as two ewoks tug at his feet, the joint at his knees break and both ewoks are speared through the chest with Jack's falling femurs. Oogie Boogie begins to inhale deeply, swallowing 3 ewoks before Zombie King Kong bashes his potato sack body a foot into the ground. Dozens jump on Morgan Le Fey and they all fall into an open grave. BL Guy Gardner harnesses the power of his ring to fill the pit with dirt, sacrificing his tiny allies to kill Le Fey. He then looks up from his landscaping to see the Phantom Stranger jumping on him and getting him in a headlock. Two ewoks jump on top of him and stab him through both eye sockets before Gardner can even react.

“I could have handled him!” Guy Gardner says annoyed.

“Nub Nub” says Ewok #10 as he and #22 run back into the fight.

Doomslayer is racking up the kills. He cannot punch ewoks fast enough and I honestly don't know which ewoks are dead and what ones are alive. We will have to gather up the toe tags later. The ground begins to shake and Doomslayer instinctively barrel rolls out of the way just in time to see King Kong's fist make a crater where he just was standing. Quickly getting to his feet, Doomslayer is able to get under Kong who is still off balance from his punch. He grabs handfuls of fur and jumps above the trees with the giant beast above his head. He looks down to where the crowd of ewoks, whose numbers are quickly depleting, are still recovering from the shockwave that liquified their furry friends. Guy Gardner is following his two lifesavers who have just regrouped with the remaining ewoks when the giant Kong is thrown down crushing them all and killing Kong as well.

As Doomslayer lands, he sees BL Grievous waiting for him with the 3 remaining ewoks. The ewoks charge and Doomslayer scoops them up and throws them back at Grievous. The first two are easily cleaved in twain but as the last ewok is killed, Grievous unexpectedly loses his balance and falls. Doomslayer takes advantage and pounces. But as his fist crushes Grievous's rib cage and stops his heart, he sees a lightsaber exit his right shoulder and the base has entered him above his left hip. Both of them fall dead and the graveyard is silent again as it was before the match started.

An ewok spear slowly moves from between Grievous's dead feet, clearly the cause of his stumble. A voice from behind a tombstone quietly asks:

“Where's the Beef?”

Mickey Mouse Grindhouse Vs George Washington's Slaves

George Washington's Slaves are: Catwoman, (Black Lantern) Superman, Gollum, Movie Bumblebee, Scorpion, Human Smoke, Bebop, Rocksteady, Gonzo the Great, Kamilla the Chicken, Chuck Norris, Steve Yzerman, and Ninja #1.

Beckerman Presents: Mickey Mouse's Grindhouse: Nekron, The Zombie Priest, zombie General Zod ,The Zombieland crew (Tallahasse w/red lightsaber, Little Rock w/M202A1 FLASH rocketlauncher, Columbus and Wichita),Chris Redfield, Leon Kennedy, Sheeva Alomar, Albert Wesker, Dementor #8, Deadman , Smurf #9 "Roster Filler",Treasure Troll #9- 1, and Jar Jar Binks.

The two teams are lead to the graveyard by Paul Bearer. The Journey takes them through jungles, deserts, frozen wastelands , over mammoth mountains, and even into the very core of the playoff planet. They arrive at a black lake and are met by Kharon.

Kharon: You must all pay a toll and give up a life before you can enter. I promise if your soul makes it out alive Ill give you your life back. Well so long as you have you receipt.

Nekron: Ehh Excuse me. Some of us don’t have any lives to spare.

Kharon : Oh that’s not a problem, this is the spirit realm of the FFL. You will still be able to compete at for full potential, just if you die, you stay here for good, and I get to keep your deposit.

Nekron : This is outrageous!

Kharon: oh boo hoo , get on the boat, ugly!

The two teams pile into Kharon’s tiny little gondola.. The boat ride is the last and most arguess part of the journey. They are not allowed to engage in battle until they reach the battlefield, This leaves them with nothing to do for two hours but talk s**t and tell chuck Norris jokes.

BL Superman: I bet you really think you gonna tear it up out there don’t you.

Nekron: Phhh well ,yea. I mean come on this is kinda my spot.

BL Superman: listen here turkey, Home field advantage don’t mean s**t to BL Kal-El!

Nekron: All I got to do is say one word playa.

BL Superman: I'll Rip your f**kin jaw off before you can even think of sayin s**t B**ch!

Nekron: MUAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!

BL Superman: Aww so you think that’s funny huh, well you won’t think it’s so funny when I hold you down a skull F…

Albert Wesker: WOAW! Guys come on lets save it for the field.

BL Superman: SHUT UP WHITE BOY!

Wesker looks around at everyone with a puzzled look on his face. Nekron is still now not only laughing at BL Superman but he is pointing as well. This enrages BL superman and causes him to jump behind the boat and pushes it to shore in the blink of an eye. He lunges for Nekron But is caught by the Black Lantern Entity in midair. Just before Nekron can say "Die," Tallahassee slices of his jaw with his lightsaber.

Tallahassee: Sorry big man I can’t have you go killin us all now.

Nekron releases BL superman who flees for his life. Nekron franticly searches the ground for his severed jaw. The Zombie Priest Raises Nick Houslander, John stewart, and Count Dooku from the grave, but before he can command them to do anything the Zombieland crew and the resident evil crew blow them away.

Tallahassee: I Hate Zombies and isn’t that interference.

The Zombie Priest: No you asshole is raised them from the dead, they were my minions.

Chris Redfield: Hey that is not cool. That’s just not cool bro.

Columbus: You man you can’t just go around raising people from the dead, it’s immoral and it creeps me the f**k out.

The Zombie Priest: But that’s my thing.

Tallahassee: Too bad.

As they are all arguing BL Superman has composed himself and targets them all. he flies in and takes the Zombie Priest out with a blast of heat vision, then he rips out each zombie killers heart one by one as they charge him. Unfortunately for everyone Nekron has found his jaw and managed to reattach it.

He takes a drink of water and then whispers “DIE”.

All combatants except the Black lantern God die instantly.

Season 6: Week 2. Horsemen of Apocalypse vs. The Red Army

The Horsemen are: Superman, Dracula, Pinhead, Jason Voorhies w/blue lightsaber, Leatherface,
Black Hand, and Bruno Sammartino.
The Red Army is: Vampire Orion, Jared Nomak, The Cullen Family (Indigo Lantern Carlisle, Star
Sapphire Esme, Emmett, Alice, Jasper Hale, and Rosalie Hale) Cole Sear w/Soul Gem, Yellow
Lantern Madame Blanc, Red Lantern Miss Tanner, Red Lantern Helena Markos, Susperia witches
#1-5, Angel w/blue lightsaber, and Spike.

A crisp night and a full moon with a chill that never quite leaves. Death herself permeates the FFL
Graveyard. Superman kneels alone in front of a tombstone. "I should have been there when you
died. I should have been there to protect you. I wasn't. I couldn't be. Hopefully, I can find some
way to honor you while I'm here Kara." Kal-el takes a moment to himself before returning to
what was once the Horsemans meeting. "Bruno, where did everybody go?"

"The Dracula and Pinhead, they say they have the score to settle. Jason and the Leatherface
go to the woods, and the Black Hand wander off through the tombstones. Looks like it is just
you and me!" say Bruno. "I expected as much. Let's just hope they can get the job done. I don't
want to be here any longer than I have to." says Superman, as he quickly scans the horizon with
telescopic vision. "Get ready Bruno." warns Superman, heralding the arrival of Vampire Orion,
and Jared Nomak. "I'll be back when I can." says Kal-el, grabbing Vampire Orion and Nomak as he
flies upward out of sight.

Superman flies into space with Vampire Orion and Nomak in tow. Jared Nomck is thrown into the
Sun immediately, although he disintegrates long before he gets there. "Orion, we were friends,
once. Surrender." "That was a lifetime ago. I barely recall our friendship. I am sorry Kal." explains
Orion. "No, old friend, I am." says Superman with regret. Superman lunges at Orion with all of his
speed, but is halted with a full blast of Orion's Astro-Force, stopping him in his tracks. Superman
shakes off the searing pain and counters with a blast of heat vision while flying forward. He
punches Orion and shatters the New God's helmet. In this proximity to the Sun, Vampire Orion
quickly burns. "You deserved better than this." laments Superman as he flies back to Earth.

Meanwhile, back at the Graveyard, the Suspiria witch coven #1-5 are gathered together around
a campfire. "I don't think this is what we're supposed to be doing. Aren't we supposed to be
setting up a spell or something?" asks witch #2 "Who cares?" replies Suspiria witch #4. I didn't
join an all-girls school to be a witch, or whatever." raising an eyebrow. CH-CH-CH HA-HA-HA. "Did
you hear that?" wonders Suspiria witch #3 aloud. "It's just the wind." replies Suspiria witch #1.
CH-CH-CH HA-HA-HA. "There it is again." says Suspiria witch #3 trailing off. Jason's blue lightsaber
chops SW 2 and 3 in half. "I can..." says SW #4 before Leatherface's chainsaw rudely interrupts.
They hack the remaining witches into bits like men possessed. Flashes of light appear as Yellow
Lantern Madame Blanc, Red Lantern Miss Tanner, and Red Lantern Helena Markos arrive at
the scene. "This will certainly set our plans back a bit. No matter, there are always more girls to
use." comments Helena as Miss Tanner and Madame Blanc nod in agreement. Pinhead suddenly
appears. "Greetings ladies, I hear that you have been attempting to lay a claim on Hell. I dispute
your claim." warns Pinhead. Jason and Leatherface stand silent, as the Headmistresses of
Suspiria also do nothing. Seriously, nothing is happening. They say that the scary part of Suspiria
is not what actually happens, but the anticipation of what will occur. So... scared yet? Didn't
think so. Let's move on to another part of the battlefield before we all die of boredom.

The gathering of the Red Army's vampires is far more lively, despite the fact that vampires are
technically undead. Spike and Angel from "Buffy" are relentlessly mocking the Cullen family. "I
can't believe we're stuck with these... ae they even vampires?" "Not really" says Angel. "From
what I understand, the author didn't even do any research into vampire lore. I mean, what
the hell? I know! I'll write a book all about King Arthur, but instead of Camelot, it's on a space
station, and instead of a man, he's a squid. But he's still a king, and his name is Arthur, so it's

all good. Pay me." "Whoa... ix-nay on the ace-spay quid-say. Alan Moore might sue your ass."
comments Spike. "And why is this stupid kid with us, anyway? He's not even a vampire. I don't
get it." "Haven't you ever seen the Sixth Sense. That's Cole Sear" says Angel. "What? The "I see
dead people" kid? In a graveyard? He's probably too scared to do anything but piss himself."
replies Spike, shaking his head. "Maybe that soul gem that they gave him could help him with
that. I mean it's gotta do something, right? I hear those Infinity Gems are pretty useful." ponders
Angel. "I guess." says Spike, clearly annoyed. "Man, if only we weren't on the same team. I would
show these pretenders what a true vampire can do."

"That can be arranged." says Dracula as he enthralls the two. The 3 traditional vampires charge
the Cullens. Indigo lantern Carlisle looks to Star Sapphire Esme. "No matter what happens, our
souls will remain together forever." Esme answers, "Entwined for eternity, my love". This causes
Dracula. Angel, and Spike to halt the charge to projectile vomit. "This is pure torture!" coughs
Dracula. "My legend, cultivated over centuries based on fear and terror, reduced to a tween love
story!" "Now's our chance! Let's get them!" shouts Emmett Cullen, as he and Rosalie run to the
fallen vampires. "No! You fools! Stick together!" yells Jasper Hale. Pinhead joins the fight as
chains burst from seemingly nowhere, rending Emmett and Rosalie to pieces. "For vampires, you
have weak stomachs. Get up." Pinhead calmly states. "You're lucky. You didn't have to see that
disgusting scene." says Dracula rising. "Speaking of missing scenes, where have you been?" "Wait
for it," smirks Pinhead. "No, we are all tired of Suspiria. We are all sick of waiting!" screams
Spike. "Just. Do. Something." "Fine, but there are many horror fans that would disagree. In fact,
many film critics consider it to be a top 10..." "Enough!" The 3 vampires cut off Pinhead mid-
sentence. "Okay, okay... Philistines." replies a dejected the Pinhead, raising his arm. The lifeless
bodies of Jason and Leatherface swing down from the nearest tree on Nooses. Their bodies are
mutilated to varying degrees. I must say, the gore is very impressive. "You killed our teammates?
I mean, it's better than waiting, but you couldn't think of anything more productive?" questions
Dracula. "I didn't kill them, the witches did." counters Pinhead. "Trust me, it's scarier for
everyone this way." Dracula rolls his eyes, "Just tell us what happened with the other witches, so
we can end this damn Suspiria angle once and for all." "Fine, it's not my fault you can't
appreciate excellent cinematography." retorts Pinhead raising his other arm. A rain of blood that
once belonged to the three now deceased Headmistresses begins to trickle down from the
sky. "Here they are now. Notice the vivid color that they add to the scene. It mixes in nicely with
the lighting and really sets the tone." "Yeah, great but now those Cullens kick even more ass
thanks to bloodlust, you dope." states Angel. "And you don't?" answers Pinhead. "Oh, yeah..
good job" realizes Angel. Dracula, aided by the still enthralled Angel and Spike, are revived by the
blood rain and continue the charge to battle. indigo lantern Carlisle, star sapphire Esme, and
Alice Cullen, as well as Jasper Hale, meet them in the middle for a furious battle.

Pinhead remains behind, preferring to attack from a distance. His chains appear again, quickly
dismembering Alice Cullen. Pinhead targets Jasper, but before he can act, he feels a tug on his
leather costume. "Hey mister. I know you weren't always a bad guy. Why are you so mad Elliot?
asks Cole Sear as the soul gem sparkles. Hearing his real name, combined with the power of the
soul gem, reverts Pinhead to his human form, Elliot Spencer. Elliot is horrified by his actions as
Pinhead, but his suffering is short lived, as Jasper Hale punches through his chest.

Bruno Sammartino finally joins the fight. He grabs Cole Sear, and puts him in a Boston Crab. "I
no kill you kid, but you don't use the magic whammy either!" says Bruno, applying pressure and
keeping Sear in just enough pain to ruin his concentration. Jasper puts an end to this by ripping
Sammartino in half. Jasper turns to join the battle at hand, but he and Cole are both felled by a
red and blue blur, their hearts ripped from their chests.

The battle of the vampires resumes. "Esme, use the ring." advises Carlisle. "Of course dear." he
replies. "Dracula, even one as a vile as yourself must have experienced some kind of love. Let it
guide you." Esme Cullen's star sapphire ring encases Dracula in a violet crystal, ending his mental

sway over Spike and Angel. "Ugh, my head is pounding. Maybe you fake vampires aren't so bad
after all." admits Angel. Dracula frees himself, shattering the violet crystal. "Your parlor tricks
cannot stop me. I will not feel love. I only yearn to be feared. You will bow to your true master!"
commands Dracula. "Get real, old man. You are way outnumbered, unless you can't count,
Dracula. Get it?" laughs Spike, who is met with a collective groan.

Indigo lantern Carlisle and Star Sapphire Esme Cullen stand beside Angel and Spike, confronting
a lone Dracula. "I can even the odds a bit. announces Black Hand. Dracula looks less than
pleased, "I have the patience of an immortal, and yet you still try mine. What kept you?" "I
was picking out a very special present for our new friend." explains Hand, which brings out a
rare smile from death's avatar. "I thought you had seen her earlier, but I suppose she's fast,
even by your standards." "What have you done, Hand?" inquires Superman, finally returning
from the initial battle in space. Due to his super hearing, he has been privy to the entire
conversation. "Just a little something to welcome you to the team, hero." answers Black Hand. "I
hope you like it."

Spike and Angel drop suddenly as their hearts are yanked from their chests. A bloody Black
Lantern Supergirl stops upon seeing Kal-el. "KAL! You're here! I was beginning to think that you
might not be back. I know you've missed me. I heard you talking about me earlier. Black Hand
granted your wish when he gave me this ring. We can be together again!" "Kara," whispers
Superman has he looks at it a newly resurrected Black Lantern Supergirl. A single tear rolls down
the face of the Man of Steel. "Kal? Why are you crying? Isn't this what you wanted? To have
a family again?" Sadness gives way to rage as Superman's eyes burn red and his heat vision
exterminates Black Lantern Supergirl. This blast is so powerful that it rips through everything in
its path, also finishing the remaining members of the Red Army, as well as his teammate Dracula.
Black Hand is stunned by this display. "You... you didn't like my gift? Many have begged me for
this opportunity. They have..." Superman cuts Black Hand off mid sentence, grabbing him by the
thoat. "Hal has mentioned you before, and he's told me of your wishes, too. Lucky for you, I'm in
a very giving mood. It's only fair." says Superman squeezing tighter. "But not today William." He
throws Black Hand to the ground. "If you or any of the horseman try something like that again,
I will find a fate worse than death for all of you. In your case, Black Hand, that is life. Spread the
word, William." ends Superman, flying away from the battlefield into a bleak night sky.

The Horsemen of Apocalypse vs The Red Army: Prologue 2

The Electric Boogaloo.
The Red Army is standing around as if waiting for something to happen. Nothing does. More
time ticks away before the vampire Spike of Buffy fame stands. "Really? I have to be the one
to say it?" He shouts with his arms raised. "Where the f*** is our prologue? I mean, damn,
that's almost a death sentence in this league! Why don't any of you losers have a compelling
story to expound upon? Dammit!" He screams before taking out his aggression on an innocent
a locker. The vampire Angel lets Spike tire before speaking. "Chill man, we got something."
he says pointing towards the trio of star sapphire Carlisle Cullen, Esme Cullen and Susperia
Witch number 1 with indigo lantern ring. Carlisle has convinced SW 1 to give him a ring. As she
has the ring over she explains, "I'm not sorry to be rid of it. If you're not a good person, they
control you. They change you. Now I'm free. And I'm about sick of saying 'Nok" all the time." "I
will take that chance," says Carlisle taking the Indigo ring. "And with this ring" he continues,
handing the star sapphire ring to Esme, "I thee Wed." "I do." Esme replies, slipping on the ring
as the two passionately embrace. Spike races to vomit in the nearest trash can, as do half of
The Red Army roster. "Hey man, you asked for it." Says Angel between dry heaves.

Breaking News!

Greetings loyal neuve sports fanatics, I'm ESPN 9 special correspondent nude Teri Hatcher with...*sigh* a breaking nudesflash. We here at nueve sports have just received footage from the Event Horizon's black boxes showing exactly what transpired about the doomed vessel. Take a look.

"NA NA NA NANA NA. NUHNUHNUHNUH NA NAAAAAA. NA NA NANA NA NA NUTBUSTERS!!!! HAHA. Get it guys??!!! That can be our rally song! I just replaced the word 'ghost' with 'nut' since our team name is the Nut-Busters!!! So, we're like as cool as the Ghostbusters cause our song is like their song!!! Get it??!!! NA NA NA NANA NA. NUHNUHNUHNUH NA NAAAAAA...." sings the Annoying Orange

" 'Es been singing dat song for de last FOUR. HOURS. Can nobody shut em up?" Gambit asks the rest of his team. "Elf, you get any luck openin' dat door on de udder side?"

"None, Gambit." replies AoA Nightcrawler. We're totally sealed in. I don't know what caused that door to slam shut, but I can get any of the controls to respond. We're pretty much trapped"

"Heh heh. Hey guys!" the Orange interrupts "Hey. Hey. HEY. Hey. Did you see Dos get cut in half by the airlock door as it came down? Do we call him Quatro now? Cause, there's two of him now, and when there was one we called him Dos. But there's two of him down, and if you double two you get four, and four in Spanish is..."

"ENOUGH!" screams Dexter Morgan, letting his mask of calm, cool collectedness slip.  Dexter whips out his favorite knife and plunges it into the Orange, cutting him in two.

"Thank God!" exclaims Alexandra DeWitt " I don't know how much more I could...Oh. My. GOD!!!"

Alex discovers, to the horror of the crew that cutting the Orange in half didn't kill him. It only created TWO of him.

"Heh. Whoa. Looks like I'm the new Dos around here." the Orange says "I'm really beside myself here. Get it? Cause there's two of me now?"

"Haha. I get it!" replies his other half "There's two parts of you, and their beside eachother. So, you're beside yourself. That's hilarious. Hahaha."

"Yeah. Wanna hear anot-"


*kkssshhhhh*

Ok, sorry folks. Nude Teri Hatcher, back again, but I can't take anymore of that Annoying Orange. We all know what ends up happening anyway. I'm being told the tape goes on for another 2 hours, and it's all the Orange with his terrible, awful jokes and joke explainations. It sounds to this reporter like death ended up being a blessing for the Nut-Busters. No one should have to endure the level of torture the Annoying Orange inflicts on people.

This has been an ESPN 9 breaking nudesflash, I'm nude Teri Hatcher. We now return you to synchronized crochet.  

A "Spoiler Sport" special announcement.

Welcome, WELCOME! Welcome to the FFL Funeral Parlor. I'm your caretaker of lost souls, Paul Bearer. I'll be keeping you up to date on just how close the various teams around the league are to bringing back some of our departed combatants back to the land of the living, and which teams are going to have to send more souls to the great beyond in order to revive the fallen.

As you all know, the prize for winning your various football games in week one was 10 graveyard points. Quite the boon, for playing ball. Here are the current standings with those 10 points added in. Teams are listed in order of highest amount of points, to lowest.

Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse - 46
Shemalabama's Shit Kickers -32
Team Sleeping Pussy - 26
Horsemen of Apokolips -22
TEAM - 22
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets -22


Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve -14

Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties & Cats Living Together to Make a
New Family -12

The Transfoamers - 12

President Barack Obama & Taylor Swift's Red Army -10
George Washington's Slaves -10
The Royal Highness -10
Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies -9

Griswold's Nut Busters -6
The Empire - 0
Griffin's High Maintance Dope Fiends & Destroyers - 0

Ooooooohhhhhh YYYYEEEESSSSSSS. I can already feel those souls starting to stir! Well see what happens next week and what team will be harnessing MORE of the power from beyond! For EEEEESPN 8, I'm brother Paul Bearer. I'll see YOU on the next "Spoiler Sport"


OOOOOHHHHH YYYYEEEEEAAAAASSSSSSSS!!

HE'S BACK BEOTCHES!!

Our former Commish and long time staff Watcher is going to be coming out of semi-retirement to take over the updating of the rosters, so they can be neat, clean, updated, and back on the right side of the blog, just like all of you cry-babies like. Ryan is a busy dude and will be doing this whenever he feels like it, and at his own conveniance. This is a huge help to me, and the league. Soooooo, if anybody gives him any crap, I will personally come to your house; and upper deck your toilet (trust me, unlike the roster updates; that excursion I will make time for).

Snoogans,

-Josh

S6 W2 - The Shemalabama Shit Kickers vs The Empire

(posted on behalf of Robatu)

The Shemalabama Shit Kickers are: Zombie Galactus, Zombie King Kong, Vampire Kilowog, Skeletor w/ Gandolf's White Staff, Tombstone (Spiderman 'lore), and Kenny (South Park)

The Empire is: The Walking Dead Crew: Rick Grimes, Lori Grimes, Carl Grimes, Shame Walsh w/ Darth Malak's Lightsaber, Glenn, Maggie Greene, Dale Harvath, Darryl Dixon w/ Throwing Knives, Theador "T-Dog" Douglas, Andrea, Amy, Tyreese, Hershel Greene, Axel, Michonne w/ Purple Lightsaber, Michonne's Zombie pets #1 and 2, Lara Croft w/ Purple Lightsaber, Full Spectrum Kyle Rayner w/ Green, Yellow, Red, Blue, Indigo, Violet, and Orange Rings, Indigo Lantern Sinestro, White Lantern Swamp Thing, and Devastator, Demolisher, Mixmaster, Long Hual, Rampage, Scavanger, High Tower, and Scrapper.

As I sit in to seeing over my first match, I can't help but notice how erie the damned graveyard truely is. Seen as how the likes of Galactus, King Kong, and many, many others before and after them.

As I think this, I see the first of the combatants, come wandering, into view. It's FS Kyle Rayner, protected by his Green Lantern Ring. Also I see his Blue Ring powering up his Green Ring more. From my left I see a small Orange figure approching, its.............Kenny. Then a flash of something flies by and Kenny falls to the ground with a throwing knife, buried deep in his forehead. FS Kyle looks as confused as I, then appears Darryl Dixon, grinning. FS Kyle looks highly relaxed.

(At this time all I hear in my head is Cartman going "Oh my god, they killed Kenny." Then Kyle, "Those bastards.")

Then appearing from nowhere, Dixon is split in half by the FFL Graveyard Grim Reaper. Ad quickly as he appeared, he's gone again.  On another side of the Graveyard, Devastator is beginning to assemble to better protect itself, and it's parts from destruction. Or so it thought as Zombie Galactus comes to view and starts a violent thrashing of Devastator. The combined strength of of the robot seems to be nothing compared to the strength of the unread Zombie Galactus. As Tombstone attempts to help, they are cut in half by the FFL Grim Reaper. As more parts and pieces, fly off, Zombie King Kong begins a bit of thrashing of his own. Zombie Galactus with one final blow takes down Devastator. And continues on his undead way, along with Zombie King Kong.

Not knowing Dixon is dead, The Walking Dead crew, all of them, or what's left of them, seen as how Dixon sealed his own fate. Ate huddled discussing......something.

Rick: We continue on from here, and hurt our prey the we do best.

Shane: I'll chop'em in half. Those undead..........

He's in half too now. As the whole crew scatters they're picked off one by one as the Grim Reaper, appears and reappears, repeatedly, until only a few are left and he leaves.

Lori, Glenn, and Maggie all scared shitless, the decide to try and find a safe place to hide. (Never thought the whole Walking Dead Crew would be eliminated, by death himself.)

Lara Croft and Skeletor are having it out in an epic battle. Croft with her Purple Lightsaber and Skeletor with Gandolf's Staff. With a wild swing she trips, Skeletor misses with a mighty swing of his own. And as she rises up, she bisects him down the middle from the groin up, and as she continues her lunge upward she inadvertently takes out Vampire Kilowog. Who was flying overhead, about to make a strike of his own. As she comes back down to her feet, the four pieces of her foes fall to the ground at her feet.

Zombies Galactus and King Kong, stumble and drag themselves toward the likes of FS Kyle, White Lantern Swamp Thing, Indigo Lantern Sinestro, Lori, Glenn, Maggie, and Croft.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Thud.

The last of the unprotected humans fall to the ground at the hands of FFL Grim Reaper. All of that are left are the Zombies, the Lanterns and Michonne and his pets, who are hiding. Zombie Galactus begins to beat at the shield protecting FS Kyle. He uses his Blue Ring to power his Green Ring more. Sinestro is having it out with Zombie King Kong and both fall as White Lantern Swamp Thing chimes in with a blast, and takes out both Zombie King Kong and Sinestro. And before he can protect himself, he too falls to the Grim Reaper. Who put some flair into this one. Slicing from right shoulder to left hip, right hip to left shoulder, crainum down, and across. As all pieces fall, Grim disappears again.

FS Kyle now used his Yellow Ring to try and instill fear in Zombie Galactus, which doesn't seem to work, as he continues his blank stare and attempts to to crush FS Kyle. His Red Ring now comes alight and he starts to pummle back at Zombie Galactus. Though what FS Kyle forgot about, was grim, from him and his team's chance at victory. As Zombie Galactus takes a final blow at FS Kyle, FFL Grim Reaper takes his dead body off into the distant foggy mist.

As Zombie Galactus takes a stumble back Michonne and his pets are crushed as the had wondered too close and became goo under the weight of Zombie Galactus.

s6w2- Griswold's Nut-Busters Vs. Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family

Griswold Nut-Busters are: Slym and Red Daysping, Gambit w/ Manoguard Staff, Age of Apocalypse Nightcrawler, the Annoying Orange, The Circle of Fire: Pel Tavin, Ali Rayner-West, Hunter and Forest Rayner, G.L. 7177.6 and Alexandra Dewitt, Batwing, Talon, Vampire Hal Jordan, Taneb Kel and Maggot, Dexter Morgan, Ecthelion of The Fountain and Dos.

 All of the Nut-Busters will be in The Event Horizon Spaceship

Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family are:White Lantern Batman, Count Duckula, Lava Girl on her Lava Cycle, Vampire Asajj Ventress, Vampire Nick Houslander, Kyle Houslander, Zachary Houslander, Thomas Wayne Batman, Vampire Cat #1, Vampire Starfire, Robin (Dick Grayson), Batgirl (Stephanie Brown), Aslan the Lion w/ green lantern ring and Gingerbread Person #2



"Are they ever coming down here? They're just sorta...hovering" asks Stephanie Brown "I'd like to just get this over with, this place gives me the creeps"

"There's only one thing to do" replies White Lantern Batman "Send the children to investigate. Robin, Lavagirl, Kyle, Zack. Head on up to that ship and see what's going on."

"No, we're not doing THAT. Why is that your go-to answer for everything?" his father from the Flashpoint timeline-Thomas Wayne answers. "We need to figure out what's going on with that ship, and why they haven't attacked us yet"

"Dude. That's the ship from 'Event Horizon'. It's like...a haunted ship that drives you insane and forces you to kill people aboard with you, or kills you itself. Have't you seen that movie?" vampire Nick replies "It was pretty badass."

"Ok, so that's the what. But why haven't they attacked yet?"

"Dude. Didn't you hear me?! The ship DRIVES YOU INSANE AND KILLS YOU OR FORCES YOU TO KILL  ANYONE ABOARD. It'd be an awesome thing to have, as long as you only had one guy driving it, and like threw your enemies inside of it. To just use it to transport your entire team isn't a good idea."

"Well, then match over. We win!" exclaims Count Duckula!

"No, cause technically the ship is a member of the Nut-Busters so we don't win till it's destroyed. Someone's gotta bring that thing down." Nick tells him.

"Ok, no problem. Zack! Kyle! Have Lavagirl fly you up there and one of you crash the ship. Both of you going in gives us better odds of one of you making it! It's bulletproof!" white lantern Batman says.

"Jesus, Bruce. No!" Thomas says. "I'll go. I've already lived my greatest nightmare the night Martha and Bruce were murdered infront of me, so I'm already pretty insane and murderous. Plus, I'm better equipped to handle any possible stragglers who haven't met their demise."

"DADDY NO! DON'T!" screams white lantern Batman "SURELY THERE'S ANOTHER SOLUTION! I JUST GOT YOU BACK!! PLEASE, THINK OF THE CHILDREN!! CAN'T WE SACRIFICE ONE OF THE CHILDREN??!!!!"

"Sorry, Bruce. But I'll be back. I just got here, we'll have other matches that maybe BOTH of us will..."

"Dude. Bruce is a white lantern. Why not just bring back Godzilla to bring the ship down and we all survive?"
 Nick interjects.

"Can I...can I do that?" asks Bruce.

"Dude, why not. You'd probably just have Godzilla with you till you die. Like when someone loses an arm or whatever. I don't see the problem with it. It's not like we're in the graveyard all the time." Dick Grayson quickly says. The rest of the Kitties nod in agreement and decide that this is a great plan.

"Ok. Cool. Let's do that, then. Bruce...show me GODZILLA!" Thomas says, a little relieved to not have to be sacrificing himself.

"I still think one of the kids coulda done SOMETHING" mutters Bruce, as he quickly searches the graveyard. He finds Godzilla's tombstone, and uses the ring to resurrect the mighty lizard. Godzilla roars to life, his screams fill the graveyard.

"Ok, buddy. Bring down that ship and let's finish this!" the white lantern dark knight commands.

Godzilla roars in approval and approaches the Event Horizon. He generates a powerful magnetic field from his body, dragging the ship closer to him. He lets lose a nuclear pulse to shut down the ship like an EMP and then uses his atomic breath to finish off the remains. The Event Horizon explodes-showering their opponents with the remains of the Griswold team.

Suddenly, Nick Houslander starts laughing hysterically.

"What's so funny, Nick?" asks Starfire "Isn't this bloodrain making you hungry?"

"Dude. It's just....Godzilla just nut-busted all over the kitties. That's HYSTERICAL" Nick tells her as he emits his trademark laugh.

The Kitties all throw their heads back and have a hearty laugh over their good fortune, when a piece of scrap form the downed ship strikes Gingerbread Person #2. Sending him to the grave for the last time. The Kitties gasp in horror.

"Whatever. He was a 9 death common. F**k him" says White Lantern Batman and the Kitties erupt into laughter once more.

Week Three Schedule

Reminder: All rosters will be due by Monday Night, March 18. The third week will be for 300 points and set in Naboo's Planet Core (a water based match). The winner of each match will earn 15 Graveyard Points.


The Match ups:

The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. The Empire (Seeney)
The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets Vs.President Barack Obama and Taylor Swift's Red Army (Griffin)
The Shemalabama Shit Kickers Vs. George Washington's Slaves (NFG)
Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse Vs. The Transfoamers (Special Guest Watcher)
TEAM Vs. Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family (Fizz)
Griswold's Nut-Busters Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy (Edwin the Bard)
Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers Vs.The Royal Highness (Josh)
Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies Vs. Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve (Josh)



Again, Watcher emails are listed on the main page.  Teams with a guest Watcher should email their rosters to Josh. Thank you, and good luck to all!

Prologue: Horsemen of Apokolips vs.The Red Army

It is silent in the Horsemens' locker room. Superman is sitting quietly on the bench, staring straight ahead. Opposite Superman is a quintet of the most horrific monsters this world has ever known: Dracula, Jason Voorhies, Pinhead, Leatherface, and Black Hand. Dracula begins, "Just look at him. He almost wants it. The poor fool." "Can you blame him?" adds Pinhead quickly. "I can barely fathom a worse fate myself!" Jason says nothing, while Leatherface raises his chainsaw in agreement. "You are already mine." whispers Black Hand. "I may have a new TEAM, but don't tempt me." warns Superman, leaving his seat. He doesn't need super-senses to know that pure evil creeps through the room. Bruno Sammartino emerges from his private dressing room in the nick of time. "Superman! A word, please!" "This better be good, Bruno," says Kal-El coldly. Superman warily enters. "Ha! The Superman! The legend!" You are my hero! You stand up for what's right!" proclaims Bruno. "Um, thanks Bruno. Is that all?" replies Superman. "We are alike, you know... we do the right thing, no matter what." says Bruno, patting Superman on the back. "I'm not sure what you're getting at Mr. Sammartino..." says a slightly perplexed Clark Kent. "They say you fight for the Horsemen," continues Bruno, "But we both know the truth. You, me... we fight for what we believe! Nobody take that away! Ever!" Superman interjects "With all due respect, Mr. Sammartino, a victory here seems... hollow..." Bruno Sammartino laughs, "For a reporter, you are very behind the times!" He hands a newspaper to Kal-El. The headline reads: "Red Son Superman dominates for TEAM!" "Is that a fact?" says Kal-El calmly, throwing the paper in the trash.

Spoiler Sport- Week One Wrap Up.

Welcome everyone to episode number one of Spoiler Sport season six. I am your host and FFL correspondent -the WWE Internet Champion! "Long Island Iced Z" Zack Ryder.

Well broskis, the sixth season had quite the kick-off this year-literally, as we saw some of the SSSIIIICCCCKKKKest football games that the Long Island Iced Z has ever seen. We saw a little bit of everything.  Death! Disqualifications! Dinosaurs! An Arrest! Soccer! There was even some ball busting! I'm serious, bro!

With their first week victories  both TEAM and George Washington's Slaves are the only teams in their respective conferences to own the #1 divisional slot outright. Both the Steven Spielberg division and the Frank herbert division have a three way, three way, three way tie for first place. The action was intense and innovative and only promises to get even more insane as for week two we head to the FFL graveyard . It's gonna be creepy, cooky, mysterious and spooky.

Wwwwweeeelllllllll, that's all the time we have this week. Don't forget to like this video, subscribe to our channel or give a comment down below. Go back and watch all our other episodes! And like me on Facebook! Follow me on Twitter! Buy all the Zack Ryder merchandise on WWEShop dot com aaaannnnnd take care. Spike your hair.

Woo woo woo. You know it!

Season Six Week One Standings

President Barack Obama and Taylor Swift's Red Army Vs. Shemalbama's Shit-kickers

Barack and Taylor Swift's Red are Coached by Professor Minerva McGonagall. The team is Angelina Jolie (w/ blue lightsaber), Joan Jett, Kate Hernandez (w/ Legion Flight Ring), Rachel Ray (w/ flamethrower and green lightsaber), Esme Cullen, Alice Cullen, Rosalie Hale, Cece Jones, Rocky Blue, Dora the Explorer, Ginny Weasley (w/ Harry's wand).

Shamalabama's Shit-kickers are Coached by Morpheus. The team is Predator #13 (w/ yellow lantern ring), The Rock (w/ blue lantern ring), Triple H (w/ red lightsaber), Wizard #1, Tomax, Xamot, Deathlok (w/ green lightsaber), Smoke, Steve Austin, and Doozer #15.


“WHAT!! You brought me back to life”. Says an enraged Dora to President Obama, Prof. McGonagall, and Taylor Swift in the locker room a few weeks before the match you are about to read. She finishes off her statement by saying: “It is bad enough that I was denied my childhood by this horrific league; but now you won't even let me rest in peace!! And, The Backpack, The Map, and even Boots have to go through this hell again too”?? She then finishes off by looking at Barack and saying: “And who put them in charge?!!?... Where's Miley and Doom?!!? And I see that I am getting the start in the first week as well... Cause that makes sense... You stole my childhood freedom to train me to be a killer not an American futbal player. What's wrong with you people”??!!!!??

These words float in Dora's head as she puts on her helmet and gets ready to take the field. She radios Barack on their secure line and says: “Mr. President, I apologize for my initial outburst at being resurrected and for being distant over the last few weeks. I hope you know that I am ready to serve in whatever capacity you may need... Long live The Commandos... I mean Red Army”.

The teams begin to run out on the field at the Silverdome, when a being who looks similar to Joshatu shows himself. He is disheveled looking and is dressed in multi-colored vinyl garb. He speaks: “I am The Neon Master Pogo. Joshatu, being the only watcher witnessing two matches a week anymore with the influx of new watcher blood attempted to clone himself. This experiment did not work out for him, most likely because he sucks at everything. Instead it worked better than he could possibly imagine, and he created me. He attempted to destroy me; but I instead have escaped and have taken over half of his watcher duties. You will see that I do not play by the same “rules” as Joshatu... In other words I DON'T CARE!! I DO WHA I WANT”!!

The Neon Master, than transports the teams from The Silverdome, where Joshatu had set the match and brings them to an old field on Tuck Road in Farmington Hills that hasn't existed in many moons for your earth time.

The Neon Master speaks again: “I have removed all of your weapons, but I will pick and choose which other rules I will enforce. This is backyard football, we play to 21; now get to it”.

Deathlok punts off to The Red Army, because they don't have a ball holder. The Shit-kickers are made to kick off because of their obvious advantage (they aren't all girls). OHHH. Yeah I went there. Now look over your shoulder and make sure your wife isn't in the room and know that it is okay to laugh. Joan Jett catches the kick-off and looks over to CeCe Jones and Rocky Blue who are on the sidelines dancing and singing an awesome song. “Hey tweens, you are actually in this game, not just cheerleaders... How about some help”!??! But it Is to late to matter, because the play ends with Joan Jett being tackled by Tomax.

Dora receives the snap, and looks clueless with the football in her hands. She seems far more terrified now, than she did when she faced Martian Manhunter in single combat. Her Offensive Lineman are “shaken up” after they are clothes-lined by Smoke which results in the breaking of both of their necks. Dora hands off to Rosalie, who is protected by her family members Esme and Alice as she runs for a touchdown, practically untouched. Doozer #15 is running as fast as any doozer has ever run when he is accidentally stepped on by Terminator #20, who is walking at his normal terminator pace. Wizard #1, who is a truly great master of wizardry's old a** is huffing and puffing like crazy as he attempts to run after the glittery vampires. He dies of exhaustion.

Red Army 7 Shit-kickers 0

Both teams at this point are looking around thinking the same thing that I was from the first second of this match... A team full of chicks, a doozer, and wizard... Have either of these team owners ever heard of football??

Rachel Ray attempts to kick off, but slips in the mud. Predator #13 steps on her already crushed looking face as he picks up the ball and runs in for the touchdown. He spikes the ball and screams with joy (cuz that's what predator's do when they are happy).

Red Army 7 Shit-Kickers 7

Morpheus, basically has The Predator, Deathlok, and Smoke cover the three vampires, due to the fact that they are the only real threat the Red Army has to offer. Dora attempts to pass to Alice; but it is knocked down by The Rock. On the next down, Dora hands off to Joan Jett who loses the ball when Xamot tackles her. It is recovered by Kate, but than knocked loose by Steve Austin. He laterals back to The Rock, who runs it in for a touchdown.

Red Army 7 Shit-kickers 14.

Angelina Jolie decides that she needs to take matters in to her own hands and tells Dora that she needs to take over as quarterback. Dora responds with: “whatever B^&*)^h... I'm done with this piece of crap; get me to a battle already”. Angelina Jolie takes the snap from Ginny, and then literally snaps in half from the force of the football because she is so skinny. Deathlok recovers the ball and looks at the camera in a very campy fashion and says: “by the way, did I just get picked to play in this football game because I am African-American... Cause that's bulls&*6t”!! He then runs in to the endzone and wraps up this amazing contest (and I use that term loosely).

Red Army 7 Shit-kickers 21

The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets Vs. George Washingtons's Slaves

Brotherhood of Evil Midgets (Bowser w/ orange lantern ring, Hermes/Mercury, Wonder Man, Mike Troop, Scrimmell, He-Man, Zombie Thing, Dean Cain, Glom, Cliff Claven, Norm Peterson)

Vs.

George Washington’s Slaves (Black Lantern Superman, Runner, Gollum, Black Lantern Harry Potter, Black Lantern Han Solo, Yoshii, Tony the Tiger, Crocodile Dundee, Air Bud, AC Slater w/ Laser Gun and Iron Man suit, Buttchunk, head coach George Washington)

TRAGEDY STRIKES THE BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL MIDGETS AND GEORGE WASHINGTON’S SLAVES PRIOR TO FFL KICKOFF

By: Pedro Gonzalez of Page Zero Sports

BAYSIDE, CA – The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets and George Washington’s Slaves kicked off the 6th year of the FFL season but not without a series of serious tragedies that engulfed both teams.

Friday night the Midgets were first stricken with disaster when their team charter bus was involved in a horrific crash on its way to Logan International Airport from the team’s pep rally at the Cheers bar in Boston. Longtime Midget Cliff Claven was believed to have been at the wheel where toxicology reports indicated he was nearly three times the legal limit to drive in the state of Massachusetts. Eyewitnesses also have said Claven’s friend and fellow Midget Norm Peterson was playing eyesies closies with Claven while at the wheel which also could have attributed to the crash. Toxicology reports also revealed Peterson to be nearly three times the legal limit as well. As a result of the crash Claven, Peterson and Glom were pronounced dead on the scene. Dean Cain was later pronounced dead at a Boston area hospital while Wonder Man and He-Man were both in critical condition but expected to make a full recovery.

Meanwhile late Saturday morning as the Slaves were conducting their own pep rally at The Max (a local Bayside hangout), several were killed when Slaves QB A.C. Slater led a charge out of the restaurant. As a result Buttchunk, Crocodile Dundee, Black Lantern Harry Potter and Gollum were killed when they were trampled to death in the stampede. Head coach George Washington and Yoshii were hospitalized where they remained in critical condition but expected to fully recover.

The Max owner Ed “Max” Alonzo was not available for comment and hasn’t been seen since the incident took place. Page Zero Sports was able to get a hold of city records that indicated Alonzo was cited for unsafe conditions the restaurants that included just one exit/entrance at the front of the building.

Aside from the incidents that took place prior to the game, sponsors were disappointed as the game itself received record low ratings in viewership. An estimated 10 people tuned into the event which was called by ESPN’s Pam Ward and Matt Millen. During the course of the game Ward often confused the two teams playing referring to the Midgets as Beckerman’s Backyardigans and George Washington’s Slaves as Built Ford Tough.

Ward had to corrected on numerous occasions by her broadcast partner Millen who in a way was almost equally as bad.

The former Lions team president and GM made very questionable evaluations during the match something the Lions fans were all to use to after the years he spent running that organization into the ground.

As for the game itself the oddities continued at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena.

During the opening kickoff the football was actually incinerated by Midgets return man Bowser. Luckily the FFL had plenty of available balls on hand after what happened earlier on between Griswold’s Nut Busters and Michael Vicks Bad News Kennelz.

Bowser though was flagged for a delay of game and eventually tossed after setting the referee on fire then breaking him in half.

Zombie Swamp Thing was also lost by the Midgets after being spit in two by Black Lantern Superman and Black Lantern Han Solo while meandering to the corner of the end zone trying to receive a pass from Midget quarterback Scrimmell.

All was not lost though for the Midgets during that drive as Mike Troop was able to put his team ahead 3-0 heading into halftime.

Coming out of the half the Slaves announced that they would be without Black Lantern Superman and Black Lantern Han Solo for the remainder of the game. Initially there was no word as to why the two Black Lanterns did not play the second half but we later learned they refused to go back out there with “those two p*ssies” referring to A.C. Slater and Air Bud.

With the loss of Black Lantern Superman and Black Lantern Han Solo the Midgets took advantage in the third quarter.

Scrimmell connected with Hermes for a 33-yard touchdown on the Midgets’ opening drive in the second half jumping out to a 10-0 lead. And after getting the Slaves to go three and out on the ensuing possession Troop was able to hit a 49-yard field goal after a muffed punt by A.C. Slater.

The Slaves though were able to get themselves on the board after a fake field goal resulted in a 40-yard touchdown run by Air Bud to make it 13-7 Midgets entering the final quarter.

Between quarters a visibly upset Mike Troop could be seen yelling at his head coach Kurt Houslander saying “it looks like I’m going to have to win this damn thing by myself!” something that we’ve seen muttered by the veteran on the softball field in the past.

On the other sideline pulling out all the stops A.C. Slater equipped himself with the Iron Man suit, laser gun and applied some Zit-Off, which turned his face maroon. Slater was obviously trying to scare the Midgets with his maroon face a strategy that worked years ago against Valley when he was playing for the Bayside High School Tigers.

As the final quarter started a still visibly upset Mike Troop continued to try and take matters into his own hands. This included lining up in the wrong formation similar to what Titus Young did with the Lions during the 2012 season. As a result head coach Kurt Houslander was forced to bench Troop for the remainder of the game.

With time ticking away in the fourth both teams had their defenses step up as neither offense was able to move the ball past the 50-yard line. This was until the final minute when A.C. Slater used the jet propulsion of the Iron Man suit to drive the ball down to the one-yard line setting up a first and one with 45 seconds remaining in the game.

Needing a touchdown to tie the game Slater ran the option on the ensuring play pitching back to Air Bud. On the attempt though Slater missed Air Bud on the pitch causing a fumble that was recovered by Hermes with 37 seconds left.

Still with all three timeouts remaining the Midgets were forced to run a play and get a first down to try and seal the victory. So on first and ten looking to take advantage of Hermes’ speed and ice the game Scrimmell handed off to the god of speed who got to the outside and down the sideline.

The only hope from here was Slater’s laser gun.

Taking the gun out of his holster, Slater used the sight on the Iron Man suit, aimed down field and fired. The shot hit the ball causing it to fly up in the air partially deflated where Air Bud caught it.

The Golden Receiver then ran the ball back 29 yards for the touchdown tying the game at 13 with 1 second left on the clock. And with the extra point George Washington’s Slaves went on to take a 14-13 victory over the Brotherhood of Evil Midgets.

During the postgame press conference Midget head coach Kurt Houslander was extremely disappointed by the outcome.

“You’ve gotta hand it to the Slaves… They didn’t give up and wanted it more” Houslander said.

Houslander continued “I still don’t understand though how A.C. Slater wasn’t flagged at the end for using a laser gun on Hermes. But you can’t dwell on one play, we had our opportunities to win this game and we didn’t take advantage”.

Kitties Vs. The Murderflies

Week 1:Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies vs. Landerlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family

The Murderflies are: Spartacus, Red Lantern Crixus, Gannicus, Doctore, Barca, Agron, Varro, Green Lantern Teddy Roosevelt, John Moses Browning(in Mandalorian armor), Kingpin, and Moon Knight. Head coach:King Leonidas

The Kitties are: Fred Jones, Patrick Star, Steelwill, Stronghold, Don-el, Mala, Kid Flash(Wally West), Juggernaut, Grimace, Ookla the Mok, and Cinderblock. Head coach:Bo Schembechler



Rules: This game will be played in four quarters with overtime rules, i.e. both teams will have one chance to score per quarter. Touchdowns are worth 7 points. No kickers allowed. Man's game.



There is an air of confidence in the Kitties locker room due to the leadership of legendary UofM head coach Bo Schembechler. "This is the moment we've been preparing for, not only this week, but for all of our lives. All of the training, all of the work, all of the sacrifices are for this moment. Forget yesterday, forget tomorrow. Today is what we play for! Today is what we live for! And today, we win together! I couldn't be prouder of all of you! Now bring it in... on 3... 1 2 3 GO BLUE! Er, orange. Sorry, old habits..." A roar emanates from the Kitties locker room.



This is a stark contrast to the Murderflies gathering. Spartacus is voicing his concerns to their head coach. "King Leonidas, we have been summoned to play a game of "football", but most of the men are puzzled and know not what to do. We be warriors, not sportsmen. We seek your wisdom in this affair." "I know nothing of this "football" game. I know only of war and death", Leonidas responds. "Then that is what we shall bring them", says Spartacus. King Leonidas nods slowly.



We are LIVE at Cowboys Stadium here in lovely Dallas, Texas! This arena was chosen because I've always wanted to see that super Jumbo-tron that they have. Oh, and its the only arena grand enough to house a match-up of this magnitude, so technically, that makes this a business trip. Bam. The Kitties win the coin toss and elect to start the game with possession of the ball. That means the Murderflies will have the ball to begin the second half.



The teams line up in a fairly predictable manner, with the more physically imposing player comprising the offensive and defensive lines. Those that can fly play the wide receiver position, and the remaining players opt for the "back" positions. Staring quarterback for the Kitties will be the "Maestro of Mystery", the Scooby-Doo gang's leader, Fred Jones! The Murderflies' quarteback will be "The Bringer of Rain", "The Bringer of Pain", Spartacus' own...um, Spartacus.



The Kitties start at their own 20 yard line. The snap the ball to Fred, who hands off to Kid Fla... Touchdown Kitties! Wally West points to the sky, no doubt carrying on about Uncle Barry. 7-0 Kitties.



The Murderflies march to the 20 line to begin the drive. The ball is snapped to Sparta... touchdown Kitties?!? As we look at the slow motion replay, it appears that Kid Flash intercepted the ball mid-snap! With more ramblings about "Uncle Barry this" and "Uncle Barry that," the kid points skyward again. This ends the first quarter with the Kitties increasing their lead, 14-0.



I was worried something like this might happen, but fear not, True Believer! We here at Watcher Industries have been hard at work to make our matches more entertaining for you, the viewer! Allow me to introduce to you the latest in Watcher Brand(TM) tech, "NuFaGtu's Wheel of Death!"(patent pending). With a simple spin, this game can become instantly more dangerous, and let's be honest, instantly more entertaining! Will this game continue on moving platforms over a bottomless pit? Will rabid dogs with metal teeth enter the game? Only the Wheel knows for sure, so let's spin this mother! No whammy, no whammy... STOP! Ooooo... a non leathal exploding football for each team! The coaches are issued a remote control, and we continue into the second quarter.



The Murderflies begin in a "shotgun" formation. Kid Flash again tries to steal the ball mid-snap, but King Leonidas activates the exploding football! Kid Flash is down, and it doesn't look like he's getting up anytime soon! I don't believe it! This kid is in space, getting carted off, and he's STILL going on about Barry. It's second down, and the Murderflies are determined to complete at least one snap this half. Don-el, the Kryptonian cop of Kandor, attempts to steal the ball from Spartacus mid-snap, but fails as the ball is snapped to Red Lantern Crixus instead. Crixus takes off for his own endzone with Mala in hot pursuit. She is mere inches away from stopping him, but she is met with a spray of plasma that holds her off long enough to allow Crixus to score! Crixus celebration apparently includes destroying the goalpost, but, really, who cares. They aren't being used anyways. Screw kickers. Crixus also attempts to celebrate in the crowd, and by celebrate, i mean hack them to pieces in a rage. His teammates manage to get him back on the field in time for the Kitties possession. The score is now 14-7, with the Murderflies cutting into the Kitties lead.



The Kitties also begin in the "shotgun" formation. Fred gets the ball and has all day to throw. The Murderflies seem a little wary after seeing the effects of the exploding football. King Leonidas is enraged on the sideline, screaming. "What are you dogs waiting for? ATTACK!!!" The Murderflies gain their composure, but it is too late. The "shotgun" formation was used to give the Juggernaut room to gain momentum and he crashes through the flat footed defense. Green Lantern Teddy Roosevelt places a series of ring generated brick walls in front of the Juggernaut, to no avail. Touchdown Kitties! Thus ends the second quarter, as well as the first half. The Kitties have a strong lead heading to the locker rooms, 21-7.



The Kitties locker room has a media blackout for halftime, per Bo's request, but the Murderflies head coach is not as savvy. I can hear Leonidas bellowing long before I reach the door. "I would be less embarassed losing to the "men" of Athens! They call themselves Kitties and Cats, yet I am the one surrounded bt pussies! Leave my sight, wretches, save you Kingpin. I have much to consider."



We also have much to consider because a new quarter means another spin on the "Wheel of Death!" This time it stops ooooon... the dreaded power nullifier! Lucky break for the tech people, T.S. everyone else. This effect will last for the third quarter only. If I wanted to see regular people playing an entire game of football poorly, I would've just put on a replay of KC vs Jax.



As the third quarter begins, the Murderflies line up with an appropriate level of confidence. With half their team depowered, the Kitties are in big trouble, despite their huge lead. Kid Flash appears to have recovered, but remains on the bench. This may be a wise coaching decision by Bo, as the death toll is sure to rise. The Murderflies look ready to deliver some serious payback. "Bout time," mutters Moon Knight, while sliding on his spiked brass knuckles. "Now hold on, soldier!" interjects a stern voice. "Yeah Marc, some of them are just scared kids! Nobody has to die, not today." says a second voice. "Guys, I'm still an Avenger. It's under control." replies Moon Knight. "Spector, have you suffered a brain injury since we last met?" laughs Kingpin. "Besides, the Kingpin is the only one in control." "Shut it, fat man. I'll still gut you in a heartbeat." growls Marc Spector. "Gut me? I thought your specialty was cutting off faces. Or perhaps it's getting those close to you killed. My mistake." smirks the Kingpin. A Wolverine style set of claws pop from Moon Knight's gauntlet with a "snikt". "Quiet, the both of you! Lest I grant your wishes myself!" erupts Gannicus. "Ha! I would wager coin on that fight!" exclaims Varro. "You are not alone." adds Barca. "Count me in!" says Agron. "Enough bickering, all of you!" commands Doctore. "Save it for our foes. We can worry about wagers later. I will be included, of course."



The gladiators' laughter is cut short by Teddy Roosevelt demanding the ball. As it is snapped, Ookla the Mok, Steelwill, and Grimace valiantly attempt to hold up some semblance of a defensive line, but are easily overtaken by the full on blitz of Murderflies. "Fred! What do we do?" asks Patrick Star. "I... I... I don't know!" stammers Fred. "Usually at this point in the story, I'm off camera with Daphne! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!" The Kitties do just that,. From the sideline Bo yells "Let them score, we'll still have the lead!" As the Kitties barely elude their attackers, Teddy Roosevelt is conferring with John Browning, football still in hand. "It appears that if we don't score quickly, we may have a bloodbath on our hands." comments Roosevelt. "Indubitably" agrees Browning. "That doesn't seem very sporting, nor very Presidential. Did you finish the gun that I ordered?" inquires Roosevelt. "Indeed!" answers Browning. "Bully! Go long!" exclaims the fomer president, because if there's a story where Teddy doesn't say "Bully!", then I don't want to read it! As John Browning flies toward the endzone in his Mandalorian armor, Teddy Roosevelt loads and fires his new custom football cannon. The ball sails perfectly into the hands of John Browning for the easy TD. That makes the score 21-14 Kitties halfway through the third quarter.



The Kitties take the ball, as Fred speaks with Bo Schembechler. "Coach, we have big problems down here. We can't score like this!" "Don't worry, young man. Take a knee 4 times. We'll still have the lead, plus a fighting chance next quarter." reassures Bo. So the Kitties proceed to do just that, downing the ball 3 times in a victory formation. Unfortunately, by the fourth snap, Red Lantern Crixus' rage cannot be held back. "Cowards!" screams Crixus as he smashes though the Kitties line. I may be seeing things, but it looked like Fred just handed him the ball, which Crixus graciously accepts. He is running toward the endzone, when the Bo triggers the remote for his teams' exploding football leftover from the second quarter. "Damn," laments Bo. "I was hoping to save that." Thus ends the Kitties possession and also the third quarter. The Kitties are still in the lead, 21-14.



The forth quarter starts and the power nullifier is turned off. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed. I figured with a name like "Wheel of Death!", we see more... well... death. Yet both teams remain as untouched as a veggie tray at a BBQ. Alright you piece of crap, one more spin. Round and round she goes... and round... and round... and it's not stopping. Great, broken for the forth quarter. I turn to the field, and to my surprise, the "Wheel of Death!" is generating random effects on the field. Looks like this thing might live up to it's name after all! Maybe too much, because explosions also begin occuring in the crowd as well, killing many spectators and scattering the rest!



With their powers restored and Kid Flash back in the game, the Kitties receive the ball and look ready to finish this thing. "Okay guys, if you stronger types protect the rest from these death traps, we should be good! Got it?" Fred says confidently. "Got it Fred!" replies Patrick Star cheerfully, mere seconds before a pike springs from the ground impaling him. "Ahhhh!!!! Hike! HIKE!!!" screams a horrified Fred scrabbling for a quick play. He manages to dodge a trio of flying sawblades, although attemped tacklers Barca and Agron are not as lucky. "Gimme the ball!" yells Kid Flash. "I can finish it now!!!" Fred quickly obliges, handing the ball to Kid Flash, who runs right into the path of a freeze ray. John Browning steals the ball and takes flight to his own endzone. G.L. Teddy Roosevelt is shielding him from the random weaponry with a force field of ring energy, but it is shattered by the combined might of Don-el and Mala's punches. Don-el takes the ball as Mala and Browning continue their aerial battle. Don-el is streaking to his endzone when a meteor crashes through the roof, stopping him while also crushing Varro, Doctore, and Gannicus below. The ball is recovered mid air by the mechanical hawk Stronghold, accompanied by the Silverhawks' Steelwill. "Like hell..." says Teddy Roosevelt, who takes down Stronghold with a ring constructed sniper rifle. "Noooo! You're gonna pay for that old man!" exclaims Steelwill as he swoops down to Roosevelt. "Bring it on, Nancy!" replies the ex-president, rolling up his sleeves. The ball falls into the waiting hands of the Juggernaut. He runs toward the endzone, but Crixus vomits plasma in his face. The Juggernaut drops the ball to hold his burned eyes, and blindly runs through Crixus, leaving a different kind of plasma smeared on the field. The fumble is picked up by Spartacus, who manages to dodge laser fire, and a null-gravity trap, but not a bottomless pit. He laterals the ball to Moon Knight, and uses both hands to save himself from certain doom. "C'mon Spector. It's just like the Danger Room at Chuck's place. I can run this thing in my sleep. Just follow me and stay close, bub." "I'm with you Logan! Let's do it!" replies Moon Knight, seemingly to no one. "Logan? You've lost it, boy!" laughs Kingpin. "Shove it, Fatty! Block or shut up!" retorts Marc Spector gruffly. Amazingly, Moon Knight is deftly avoiding all the traps that are sprung on him, and the Kingpin reluctantly does as he is told. The Kingpin Judo throws an approaching Ookla the Mok, but is held up by Grimace and Cinderblock. Moon Knight is ten yards from keeping the game alive for his team, when a giant steel press drops from the ceiling. Spector slides, saving his own life, but his cape is caught between the press and the ground. "I''ll take that!" says Fred as he steals the ball from a trapped Moon Knight.



Fred runs at full speed toward his endzone, but it's hard to tell if he's making progress because it just looks like the background is endlessly looping in a display of cheap animation. Fred is mere yards away from ending the game, but one final obstacle is in his way: The Kingpin. "But Grimace and Cinderblock, they had you!" stammers Fred. "They did, until a Hell pit swallowed them. Or perhaps it was a portal to Jerry Jones office. I suppose it depends on your particular faith. No matter. The ball, please." says The Kingpin extending his hand. "Now wait a minute Kingpin! Why is there grease on your white suit?" inquires Fred. "Surely, no one came out of this match completely clean. What a foolish question. Your naivety is trying my patience." mocks The Kingpin. "Fair enough, but how do you explain THIS!?!" says Fred as he grabs the handkerchief from Kingpin's front suit pocket. "I know of your facination with scarves, but I don't know what it has to do with anything. Compliment my fashion sense, and hand me MY ball." demands Kingpin. "It's not facination, it's really more of a love... and that's how I knew that this was no scarf!" explains Fred unfolding his newly aquired prize. "These are the schematics to the Wheel of Death! You tampered with it! You killed all those people! How could you?" cries Fred. "To win, of course. that fool NuFaGtu suspected nothing! The only thing that matters is that The Kingpin comes out on top!" explains the Kingpin. "That's for the courts to decide, as well as your cellmate!" says an officer as police converge or the Kingpin. "Wilson Fisk, you are under arrest for mass murder!" "Now to see who you REALLY are!" adds Fred while tugging on the face of The Kingpin. To Fred's dismay, it's no mask, but the true face of the Kingpin. "Ew... maybe you should consider wearing a mask next time... forever." shudders Fred. "Hey! It's a glandular problem!" whines Kingpin. Fred enters the endzone to score. "I suspect you may have one of those in prison as well!" says Fred, who shares a hearty laugh with the Dallas police. This makes the score 28-14 Kitties, ending the game as the Murderflies can no longer catch up.

Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse Vs. The Empire

Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse is coached by Brett Favre (w/ a Spartan shield and armor). The team is Tom Brady (w/ a blue lantern ring), Guy Gardner (w/ a blue lantern ring), Jason Todd (w/ cannon gun and mithril vest), Centurion #5: AKA Jim Tebow (w/ ferengi energy whip), Super Dinosaur, Han Solo: Rogue Jedi, Az-Rel, Triceraton #1-3 (Stomp, Whomp, and Thwomp), and a Life Model Decoy of Barry Sanders.

The Empire is coached by Kaja Sinis. The team is Bo Jackson, Cleetus The NFL Robot, (Full Spectrum) Kyle Rayner, Superman Jr., Batman Jr., Star Saber, Victory Leo, and The Jeremitt Family: Catarine (w/ a pokeball), Jeremitt (w/ a laser sword), Mace (w/ a laser gun), and Cindel (w/ a star wand).


It has come to pass... That I, Joshatu the Great shall witness this contest. The weapons have been removed from the hands of these two teams and they shall do battle in one of the most modern forms of warfare... The game of football.

The Empire wins the toss. They will receive in the second half.

Here are the highlights from quarter to quarter.

Grindhouse 0 Empire 0

1st Quarter

Tom Brady has never needed help providing hope for his team, but the blue lantern ring on his finger makes this emotion even more prevalent for The Grindhouse. Brady receives the snap from his fellow blue lantern and Michigan alum Guy Gardner and has got all day to throw the football, with The Triceratons providing an absolute wall of an offensive line, along with Jason Todd who doesn't look like a typical lineman, but can sure take a beating with the help of his mithril vest and Batman training. Brady fakes a hand-off to the fake Barry Sanders and steps back to throw. It's caught by Super Dinosaur, who gains 15 more yards after the carry before he's tackled by Cleetus at the Empire's 40 yard line. Brady throws for another first down to Tight End Jim Tebow and then is able to find Super Dinosaur again, but this time in the end zone for the first score of the game. For The Empire's first chance with the ball, Kaja Sinis calls out the big guns and has Star Saber and Victory Leo merge to formVictory Leo, which has me about to blow the whistle for not enough men on the field, when Catarine jeremitt reaches in to her pocket and says: “I choose you Jiggly Puff”. This gives them the necessary 11 players. Superman Jr. may not have the quarterback presence and knowledge that Tom Brady has; but he can throw the ball from endzone to endzone with ease and with either hand. He receives the snap from his buddy Batman Jr. and hands the ball off to Bo Jackson who takes off down the side of the field. He is staying behind his blockers, while he watches Cleetus and Victory Saber knock down Triceratons as if they were toddlers. But he is eventually tackled by Az-Rel at the 20 yard line. 1st down. The Empire has only 15 yards to go, with 4 downs to do it in; but Tom Brady is out there on defense barking orders at his team, like that is the position he has been playing his whole life. The Grindhouse looks over to their head coach Brett Favre, but he is to busy lifting up his Spartan Armor to show some chick in the front row his junk to pay attention. He is also not to great at being a coach, because all he has ever told his team to do is go for a long bomb, so they are basically just ignoring him now. 1st down, Superman Jr. overthrows Victory Saber in the end zone as he loses control and launches the ball in to the stands. 2nd down, The Towani family crumbles like a cookie as Super Dinosaur and Thwomp break through and sack Superman Jr. for a loss of 10 yards. 3rd down, they attempt a running play again with Bo Jackson but he is tackled with only a 7 yard gain with a little help from a force push by Rogue Han. 4th down, they are going to take the points. Cleetus easily kicks it through the uprights to end the 1st quarter of play.

Grindhouse 7 Empire 3

2nd Quarter

The teams both kick up their defense and the score stays tied through in to the half.

Half Time

The half time show is the girl who played Carla from Cheers talking about how much Danny Devito sucks, to the tune of a Jackson 5 medley. It is really awesome.

3rd Quarter

Brady and The Grindhouse march down the field to start the second half, but when Super Dinosaur and Jim Tebow both drop passes they end up settling for a field goal. It was kicked by none other than Tom Brady (God I love that man). Things were looking good for The Empire when Superman Jr. sees Cleetus wide open in the endzone. He drops back to pass when Az-Rel flies in out of nowhere... INTERCEPTION. Az-Rel lands back on the ground and runs it back for the pick 6.

Grindhouse 16 Empire 3

The Grindhouse lines up for the extra point but Victory Leo rockets in to the air and bats down the kick. The pick 6 stays as is.

4th Quarter

The Empire gets back the ball, which leads to Cleetus and Superman Jr. putting on a clinic. Cleetus provides some mad cover, while Supes rushes in for a touchdown to wrap up the 3rd quarter.

Grindhouse 16 Empire 10

Bo Jackson and Superman Jr. rush for even more yards; but are held back from scoring once again by the grindhouse defense. This is when Rayner decides to take matters in to his own ring-laden hands. He lets the rings take control of his body and lunges for the ball. He blows the likes of Superman Jr., Az-Rel, Super Dinosasur, and Victory Saber aside and rockets into the endzone at the speed of light before the rings overtake his body and extinguish his life force. Kyle Rayner in his death makes the score...

Grindhouse 16 Empire 17

Less than two minutes left in the game when The Grindhouse attempts what is certain to be the last drive of the game. Tom Brady takes the snap at the 40 yard line when his wide outs Super Dinosaur and Han Solo are leveled by Cleetus and Victory Leo (yeah... I'm keeping the whistle in my pocket). Tom then throws to his slot receiver Az-Rel. The Triceratons provide cover as he rushes in to the endzone, knocking the heads off of Jeremitt and Catarine Towani (literally). Az-Rel then sees Superman Jr. guarding the endzone as he rushes in for his final push. Az-Rel talks some smack with 1 second left on the clock by saying: “Ahh, this antiquated character believes himself to be the only Kryptonian around... I'll show you how REAL Kryptonians do battle”... Superman Jr. sizes up his opponent and says: “In my day, there was only one surviving being from Krypton, and I liked it better that way” as he stiff arms the Kryptonian “Clyde” with all of his might; breaking the neck of Az-Rel who falls three feet behind Supes in the endzone... Still holding the ball.

TOUCHDOWN GRINDHOUSE...

Week Two Schedule.

 Reminder: All rosters are due by Monday Night, March 11. The second week wil be for 250 Points and set in The Fantasy Fantasy Graveyard. The winner will receive 13 Graveyard Points.

The Match ups.

The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. President Barack Obama and Taylor Swift's Red Army (NFG)
The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets Vs. The Transfoamers (Special Guest Watcher)
Shemalabama Shit Kickers Vs. The Empire (Robimus Prime)
Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse Vs. George Washington's Slaves (Griffin)
TEAM Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy (Josh)
Griswold Nut-Busters Vs. Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family (Seeney)
Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies Vs. The Royal Highness (Fizz)
Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers Vs. Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve (Josh)

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