UNIVERSE BOWL VI: PROLOGUE

             A cacophony of wails erupts as the wind lashes through the harsh rain.  I trudge through the desolation of the once sprawling metropolis.  The remaining twisted metal and concrete spew from the earth in response to the violence which previously transpired between the behemoths of the Universe Bowl.  My dome is caked with the chalky grit of the dust. Due to the ebbing shadows which now surround me, I am only able to focus on the rubble beneath my feet. I almost trip over the body of a former teammate and then subsequently slip on the entrails which litter the space.  I drop to my knees in exhaustion and stare into nothingness.

            My name is Quentin Beck and you may recognize me as a villain associated with the Amazing Spiderman.  But as I have proven in the past with my escapades associated with Daredevil, I am more than just a secondary criminal. . . especially today.  I am Mysterio and I am the lone survivor of the Season Six Universe Bowl. 

Universe Bowl Prologue

Both the teams died of old age waiting for Bryatu to show up and watch their match. It was unfortunate but even super heroes can't defeat Father Time. See you all next week at the Season 7 Draft. HA!!

Consolation Round 3. Midgets vs Dope Fiends

The two teams ready themselves for battle inside a reststop somewhere in the Las Vegas city limits.

Unfortunately, that's all I can tell you, since whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve Vs. Shemalabama's Shit Kickers

Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve are John McCain and Jenna Jameson.

Shemalabama’s Shit-Kickers are The Rock (w/ a blue lightsaber)


WHAT A CRAZY COINCIDENCE!! John McCain, Jenna Jameson, and The Rock were all driving down the same interstate and all had to take an enormous crap all at the same time. They see a sign for a rest stop with a big closed sign over it; but they all have similar thoughts about how they don’t care if the damn toilets flush or not, they would just rather not crap their pants. Plus as we all know, one tends to not think straight when you got a wicked case of the poop sweats. They all blow the place up with hellacious dumps. Ya know the kind that makes you wonder when it was that you ate a piece of 4 inch PVC Pipe. The three all come out of the stalls refreshed when they all notice each other. Naturally after noticing that they are not alone in the abandoned rest area they come to the conclusion that they should probably all fight to the death. The Rock begins the smack talk with this brand new one: “Do you smell what The Rock is cooking”?? McCain says: “I’m pretty sure that is just the smell of Jenna’s blown-out, disgusting vagina. I can’t believe it is actually over-powering the smell of the triple threat monster turds we all just threw down. So; no, to answer your question. If you are cooking something right now I definitely can’t smell it over those two things”. Jameson then offers to bang both of the men before the battle starts; but McCain tells her that he “wouldn’t touch that crusty, dry-sperm covered slice with The Rock’s steroid shrunken member”. The Rock then reminds her that he is a pro-wrestler and that he has done a bunch of gross stuff, most of it involving a rest stop; but that he still wasn’t interested. Jenna then grabs The Rock’s lightsaber and starts to deep throat it because she thinks that they will think it is hot; but she accidentally turns it on and kills herself. McCain looks at The Rock and says: “Please tell me that that lightsaber was the only thing turned on by that display of grossness? What a Skank”. The Rock says: “You ain’t kidding. That chick was nasty as hell and that is coming from a guy who gets butt-rammed by Vince McMahon and his entire family on a regular basis. Hell, I even had sex with The Ultimate Warrior’s dad at a party once, and I still wouldn’t nail that broad”. The Rock continues: “Well, that was fun chatting, too bad I have to beat you to death now”. McCain responds: “Oh, the match. I almost forgot, I dropped a vial of the new government strain of Super-Duper Aids in your toilet before you dropped that bomb. You have about 45 more seconds to live. It is airborne; but I am safe because of the secret government antidote and Jenna wasn’t affected because her super-power is that STDs have no affect on her. So, say hello to Owen Hart and Miss Elizabeth for me… Peace”. The Rock then falls over dead as McCain mutters to himself: “If only presidential elections were as easy as nonsensical, piece of crap consolation matches… I’d be rockin it F.D.R. style by now.

Team Sleeping Pussy Vs. George Washington's Slaves

Team Sleeping Pussy is Francis “Franco” Begbie (w/ throwing knives)

George Washington’s Slaves are Sheriff Andy Taylor, Deputy Barney Fife, and Maggie Simpson.


Title: “When Mayberry’s S**t Got Real”

Opie is missing…

So are several other children… Marge Simpson won’t stop calling the office, looking for her baby daughter Maggie. Andy and his good buddy Barn have looked everywhere in Mayberry. Everywhere except the abandoned rest stop on the outskirts of town. Years ago they used to stop in there on occasion to arrest some homos for breaking some archaic sodomy laws just for s**ts and gigs and to keep those hell-bound bastards away from the kids; but now they fear that this area has become overrun with something much worse than the occasional confused dude looking for some fun with the ol’ anus… “They think summ yankee’s been in thar sellin horse and taintin the minds of the youth of their fair town”.

“C’mon Andy, hurry up. Aren’t ya worried about poor Opie? I’d hate to think he is actually somewhere in this horrible place”. Says Barney to his boss and bestfriend. Andy retorts: “Of course I am Barn, but we still have to do this right. We have a job to do to protect all of Mayberry; so we need to not only find Opie and little Maggie; but find out if something is amiss in this horrible place”. At that moment Andy gets hit in the eye with a throwing knife, and he falls dead. Barney ducks out of the way of another knife and hides in an old stall filled with human excrement and doubly used toilet paper and condoms. Barney loads his one bullet into his six shooter and jumps into action. He leaps out of the stall and has another knife whiz by his face as he pulls the trigger but just barely hits Franco in the arm. Fife walks into an old vending area and is shocked at what he sees. He sees the bodies of several dead young men and women, and on top of the heap is his deceased partner’s son Opie. Strung out on horse and overdosed. Fife thinks that he is happy that Andy isn’t here to see this. Next to him is the dead body of Maggie Simpson, it appears that Franco may have been trying to use the baby’s body to smuggle heroin but he killed her in the process… “Now this sick bastard is really going to pay”. The deputy mutters under his breath right as the sociopathic dealer rushes at him with a rusty old steel pipe. Barney sees the madman out of the corner of his eye and the deputy is a bit quicker than Begbie was giving him credit for. Barney moves out of the way and then trips Begbie sending him falling to the ground. Begbie drops the steel pipe and Fife quickly picks it up and whacks him over the head with it…

Thirty minutes later…

Begbie wakes up to find that he is handcuffed to an old bathroom stall. His vision is blurred; but he sees the deputy standing over him. Fife says: “Ya know ya piece of filth, my buddy Andy was the best man I ever knew. I bet even after he found his own son in this place, not to mention all those other kids he would of still handcuffed and brought you in to stand trial for your crimes. He would have wanted justice to prevail. He was the best friend a man could ever have, and his son Opie, well he was the closest thing I ever had to a son. But I think it was that Simpson Baby that put me over the top. Cause ya see, now that I’m here; you ain’t the craziest guy in the room anymore. You are about to face the only kind of justice you deserve”. Begbie acts tough at first, but Fife promises him he will cry before it is all over, and the deputy is right. Fife uses nothing but one of Franco’s own throwing knives, a rock, and the butt end of his six shooter to have his fun; but when he is done he knows that nobody in Mayberry is ever going to find the strewn body parts of Franco throughout the old rest stop. Not that anybody will even look. As the blood covered Fife gets ready to leave he goes into the back room and kicks over some cans of gasoline and kerosene before dropping a lit book of matches and sending this place to the rest of hell. Burning his dirty little secret with it.

TEAM Vs. Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse

The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse is: Coby Jones, Zack Ryder

TEAM is: Angus Macgyver (with Red Lightsaber)

Setting One: O’Hare International Airport (en route to the I-275 rest stop)

After once again being overlooked at another PPV Zack Ryder boards the “Air Seney” charter en route to Metro Airport in Detroit to catch the Grindhouse consolation match taking place at the I-275 rest stop in Canton, MI.

“Hey Zack you’re late, we’re about ready to take off” said an anxiously waiting Cody Jones of the Grindhouse.

Ryder: WOOO WOOOO WOOO YOU KNOW IT! (for no particular reason)

Jones: Underutilized again I see at the Payback PPV

Ryder: WOOO WOOOO WOOO YOU KNOW IT!

Jones: Wow it’s amazing the WWE has nothing for you. There’s just so much to your character has to offer… (as the two board the plane)

But before the Air Seney attendants could close the doors to the plane, Macguyver comes running through the gate yelling for the plane to stop.

Macguyver: Hey guys, can I get a lift to the next match? The TEAM plane broke down and I don’t want to be LATE.

Jones: The TEAM plane broke down and YOU can’t fix it? It must really be broken…

Macgyver: Whatever, I just don’t want to be LATE. Especially after all the shit some teams have gotten this past season… So can I get a lift?

Jones: Sure why not? May as well show some solidarity before we beat your ass at the rest stop!

Macgyver then enters the plane, the doors are shut behind them and the plane departs for Detroit.

20 minutes into the flight, everything seems to be going smooth until the captain makes an announcement…

Captain: Ladies and gentlemen, please brace yourself for impact as we have run out of fuel are will have to make an emergency crash landing into Lake Michigan…

Apparently the Air Seney fuel trucks were LATE in getting the plane fuel prior to take off… In fact they were so LATE the plane departed with a fuel supply that despite the short trip would’ve never of made it to Detroit.

Regardless too of this match being late… the guest watcher here usually wouldn’t care but his team was screwed over earlier on in the season from a rule that wasn’t yet put into effect.

Meanwhile back on the doomed plane…

Jones: Who the hell is that talking?! We’re going down!!!

Ryder: WOOO WOOOO WOOO YOU KNOW IT!

Macgyver though, looking cool, calm and collected gets up from his seat, grabs a life raft, a blanket, Zack Ryder’s douchey bandana and quickly constructs a parachute. Macgyver then takes out his red lightsaber, cuts a hole into the side of the passengers cabin and yells out “I’ll see you in hell bitches!” as he jumps from the plane and floats safely back to earth.

However, the plane carrying Ryder and Jones plummets into Lake Michigan killing everyone on board.

Damn… if only that fuel made it on time…

Macgyver survives, Ryder and Jones both dead.

TEAM IS VICTORIOUS!!!

Season Six Consolation Match Round 3: Taylor Swift and President Barack Obama’s Red Army vs Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies

Taylor Swift and President Barack Obama’s Red Army is The Shake it Up crew: Cecelia "CeCe" Jones, Raquel "Rocky" Oprah Blue, Tinka Hessenheffer, Flynn Jones, Ty Blue, Deuce Martinez, and Gunther Hessenheffer.

Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies are Quintus Lentulus Batiatus and Rolf the Dog.

“Jupiter’s cock!” shouts Quintus Lentulus Batiatus as he storms around the abandoned highway pit stop. “Why in bloody f#%k am I forced to partake in such a crude lowly Consolation Match in the filthy outhouse?!”

The Muppet dog, Rolf, stops licking his balls for a brief moment to answer his teammate, “Oh stop complaining Quintus, just take your aggression out on those teenagers over there.”

Batiatus pulls a knife out from within his toga and savagely eviscerates Flynn, Ty, Deuce, and Gunther before any of those douchebags could react. Tinka lets out a blood-curdling scream at the sight of this horrific act of brutality. The three girls then all tackle Batiatus into the men’s bathroom. Rocky Blue swiftly kicks him in the stomach as CeCe and Tinka drag Quintus into a stall by his toga. The three Shake It Up girls then proceed to drown the Dominus in the dirty, un-flushed toilet.

“Well that was eas…..” Rocky begins to say to her friends, but she is cut off by Rolf leaping on top of her immediately sticking his nose right in the crotch of her tap pants.

The other two girls are frozen in shock, hoping that the dog would just go away. No such luck. He kept nosing around and licking, and they realized to themselves that it was looking like Rocky thought his tongue was feeling really good. But this was something that a nice girl wouldn't do, so Rocky reached around to push his head away. Just before she reached Rolf, he got his nose inside her tap pants, and his tongue went straight inside her.

They froze again, but this time not in shock, but in voyeuristic pleasure. They didn't want to do a single thing that might scare him into stopping tongue bathing of Rocky’s crotch. She squealed with delight.

“OMG CeCe, are you seeing this?” a surprised Tinka says to her friend.

“Uhhhhh…… I don’t even know what to say,” she replies.

Then their teammate and friend did something that even shocked them. She rolled over on her back and ripped off her panties and practically shoved her moist crotch in Rolf’s face. Rocky let out an orgasmic scream that echoed through the rest stop.

Rolf then began humping Rocky. His heat rod was bright pink, and pointed, and poking her right in the stomach. They watched his movements for a minute, fascinated, watching his dick move back and forth, and then realized what he was doing.

"Rolf! She’s a GIRL! You want a girl dog!! Go away!" the two of them yelled.

The Muppet then turned his attention to CeCe. He leapt up and knocked her to the ground and immediately mounted her, grabbing her hips with his forepaws, pulling CeCe back towards him. He stayed on top of her for a while, licking her back and then jumped off to go after Tinka. Rolf didn't take long before he was on her back, pumping away. One thing Tinka had not counted upon was that the angle between them was different than usual, and his love gun was pointed right at her apple bottom. She could feel the point stabbing around the 'rosebud of her anus', and before she could squirm away…BOOM he slipped right inside.

Tinka was experiencing something that was really hard to describe. It's kind of like the relief of taking a good dump over and over again. But just as the Muppet finishes all up in Tinka, Rocky recovered from her orgasmic coma and kicked Rolf as hard as she could in the back of the head and then pushed a vending machine over crushing him.

"Hasta la Beasta," she quips as her two friends are lying on the ground covered in goo, both with strange smiles on their faces.

King of Consolation 2013! Griswold's Nut-Buster's Vs. Real Man's Rabblerousers

Griswold's Nut-Busters are: Dexter Morgan

Real Man's Rabblerousers are: Veronica Mars and Weevil.

Veronica Mars has tracked the whereabouts of her missing friend Weevil to an abandoned rest stop just outside of Gotham City. She looks around for a moment, and thinks for a second. "Hmmm... Lack of detail in the settings, teams split up, and a begining that almost guarantees that rules are about to be broken soon... Yup, this is a NuFaGtu match if I've ever seen it." she comments to herself. She opens the door to the rest stop and her suspicions are confirmed. Rabblerouser's owner Real Man and I are arguing in front of a vending machine. "REAL MAN IS HUNGRY!!!" shouts Real Man. "Really Eric? Again? Doesn't Real Mom ever feed you? And how come I always have to babysit you when I watch the Rabblerousers? I'm going to have to talk to Josh about next year's schedule..." I say. "REAL MOM SAYS THAT REAL MAN NEEDS TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE MORE!!! REAL BITCH TRUSTS REAL @SSHOLE'S WATCHING ABILITY!!!" explains Real Man. "I guess that next time I'll have to remind Real Mom that I'm supposed to be watching the matches, not her misbegotten spawn." I lament. "REAL MAN IS STILL HUNGRY!!!" repeats Real Man. "I heard you the first time Eric, but this rest stop has been closed for years. Do you really want an old tuna salad sandwich from an unrefridgerated vending machine? It's definitely spoiled and might give you... Y'know what, Real Man? You're right. I doubt that there's anything to worry about." I say as I smash the glass of the vending machine and grab the sandwich. "NuFaGtu IS A CRIMINAL! POLICE!!! HELP!!! MOOOOM!" yells Real Man. "Sit down and eat your damn lunch, Eric. Our semi-entertaining bit doesn't really have much to do with the story, and I'd like to get it going now." I say. Real Man eats the rancid sandwich as Veronica Mars waits impatiently. "Soooo... It's fun watching you two idiots fumble with the plot and all, but I have places to be this decade. Can we start now? Is Dexter even going to show up?" Veronica asks sarcastically. "Seeing as how you just broke the fourth wall, I'm sure you're clever enough to figure out where Dexter is right now. Frankly, I'm surprised that you haven't already left due to Real Man's creepy leering." I tell her. (Eric, put your eyes down and eat, or so help me...) "C'mon, Veronica, of all the rest stops in the world, we end up in Gotham? You'll get it, you're a smart kid. Hey, Real Man, any last words of encouragement for your player?" I ask. "DESTROY THEM ALL!!! SO SAYS REAL MAN!!!"

Veronica shakes her head and checks the ladies restroom, but there is nothing of note that she can see. She begins to head to the men's room, but naturally hesitates. She glances at Real Man and me before walking in confidently. "I have more of a right to be in here than either of those eunichs." she jokes. "REAL MAN IS NOT... FEELING... WELL..." says Eric as he doubles over due to the parasites that now reside in his stomach. I might normally have some kind of retort to her, but I'm far too busy laughing at Real Man's pain. She checks for any kind of clue in the men's room, and finds missing tiles from a wall inside a stall. She finds that the cinder blocks can be removed, and the hole leads to a tunnel. Veronica enters, and the tunnel strangely leads to a janitor's closet. As she opens the door, she is astonished to find herself in Arkham Asylum, one of the stops in the 2012 Consolation Round. It is as abandoned as the rest stop. "Maybe they're fumigating or something" reasons Veronica Mars. "OK, focus... Now where would a freak like Dexter take Weevil? He must have been drawn to the cell of one of these psychopaths. The "Dark Passenger" may have guided him to Two-Face... Or maybe Black Mask. It would be naive to think that Black Mask wouldn't have smuggled in some of his trademark bladed tools." she ponders. The answer is almost upon her, but it is a second too late. "Huuuuusssshhhh..." says a sinister voice as she feels a sting in her leg. She has just enough time to see a needle sticking out of her thigh before she passes out.

Veronica Mars awakens, and is stuck to a table in the Arkham infirmary by shrink wrap. She looks to her left, and sees Weevil trapped as well, although a knife still stuck in his heart reveals his fate, "I'm too late..." she weeps to herself. "I'm sorry, my dear, but you were too late from day one with that particular fellow. But I fixed that mistake myself." says Dexter. Veronica looks to her right, and is shocked to see Dexter Morgan also restrained to a table. "It's a shame to see a bright girl like you with a criminal like that. However, we'll have to address that later, as for now it appears we have a common enemy." explains Dexter. "Enemy?!? Dexter... I'm hurt... really... If I was your enemy, I wouldn't be trying to help you both!!" says XAS Mike as he enters the room. "Luckily, NuFaGtu was stupid enough to come back to Arkham. The evil and madness that flows through this place was a perfect focal point to finally become a force on the physical plane. And I can't very well teach anybody anything when I'm just a voice in someone's head, now can I?" says XAS. "Too bad Dexter killed Weevil AND STARTED THE MATCH WITHOUT ME!!! ... Ahem... You'll have to excuse me... I'm a little sensitive when it comes to the Consolation Rounds. Now let's see what we have here..." says XAS as he looks Dexter over. "Yes... I like it... Good play by your owner. You got style kid, I'll give you that. Maybe get a few more legit powerhouses on that squad and we'll talk." rambles XAS to Dexter insanely. "As for you..." XAS continues as he looks at Veronica Mars, "I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed. I've noticed the new you. I didn't think that you could be so easily broken!" says XAS with a grin. "The one time scourge of the message board reduced to a lap dog! Ha!" laughs XAS MIke. "Wow, tough call... Frankly, I'm begining to think that I should just kill you both and keep the crown until next time! Hmmmm... Yup! Sounds like a plan! Better luck next year, kids!" shouts XAS as he raises a knife to Dexter's throat.

"WHOA!!! Dude? What the f*ck are you doing?!?" I ask. "You... You're NuFaGtu, right? Yes I remember seeing you... You're the appeasing bumbler, always talking about league unity, eventhough you're the most expendable of them all!!! It's kind of sad, really... why would you hold such loyalty to those that would so quickly abandon you?" questions XAS with a smirk. "Maybe once, when I was a jerk like you. But not anymore..." I counter. "How precious... It doesn't matter anyways, I've waited for this opportunity. After I kill you and steal your Watcher abilities, I am the one that will truly bring unity to The FFL! And I'll do that by destroying every team brought before me!!! Soon, The FFL will be reduced to cinders! Finally, we'll all be the same... The FFL will be unified in death!!!" states XAS maniacally. "No, this isn't happening... You're NOT real... It was Professor X messing with my head..." I explain to myself. "Maybe once, but it looks like he didn't know how screwed up you really are. He was just the spark, but believe me friend, I've ALWAYS been here! HAHAHA!!!" says XAS. "No.. I'll find a way to stop you..." I declare, although I am weakened and kneel on one knee shakily. "Awww... loyal to the end. What a guy. You shouldn't be so melodramatic, NuFaGtu. I'll be twice the Watcher that you ever were! XASatu... I like the sound of that!!! Now, say goodnight 'FaGs!!!" yells XAS as he goes for the killing blow with his knife. XAS is disarmed mid-slice by a pretty sweet looking knife defense by Josh the Commish, who appears from nowhere. "He may not be our best, but we still need him. At least until he's dead or we find someone better." says Josh. Krisatu also appears and restrains XAS in an Anacoda Vice choke hold. "Seriously dude? I let you have the King of the Consolation, and this lunatic almost takes over? If you needed help, you should have said something sooner. If it's all the same to you, I'll handle it next time, we all had our fill of this @sshole last year." says Krisatu. "NOOOOO!!!!!! YOU NEED ME!!!! THE FFL NEEDS ME!!!!" rants the insane XAS. "Yeah, we'll take our chances." says the Commish as XAS is bannished to FFL jail. "And as for you, NuFaGtu, get up, finish this piece of sh*t, then report to my office for Watcher reeducation." orders Josh. "Yeah man, don't blow it." adds Krisatu as the two leave as quickly as they arrived. "Um... Yeah... Thanks...I sure hope that reeducation means pizza party. Oh Sh*t!!! Sorry guys, I almost forgot about you! Sorry about all the bad stuff XAS did to you both.... er... we're good right? Yeah... we're good... Oh sh*t!!! I forgot about Eric too!!! Man, he was in bad shape when I left him, let's all hope for the best! Anywho, I sure you two can figure it out from here... Eric!!! Eric?" I shout as I also leave.

A still trapped Veronica finally speaks. "So, what do we do now?" she asks Dexter. "I truly am sorry, but I'm afraid that this is where I kill you." explains Dexter coldly. He is free from the table, and is holding the razor that liberated him. "Oh, don't look so shocked, of course I would be prepared for my own M.O. Thankfully all that nonsense from earlier gave me enough of a distraction to get out undetected" says Dexter. Veronica tries to recall everything she can about Dexter, searching for anything that could save her. "You know you can't kill me, I'm innocent, Dexter. That's against the code." she states. "Nice try, but as I said earlier, your association with Weevil kind of negates that arguement, don't you think?" replies Dexter, eyeing the blade. "Maybe your right Dexter, but the fact remains. You're about to break the only rule that matters: DON'T GET CAUGHT. Can't you hear the sirens? Did you think that I wouldn't call the cops before I got here? I knew who I was dealing with. It's over, Dex." taunts Veronica. As Dexter hears the sirens, he realises that she is right. He broke the Code of Harry, and it happened on Fathers Day. "I've failed you... I'm sorry..." weeps Dexter Morgan, who plunges a syringe full of animal tranquillizer straight into his heart. He drops dead, and Veronica is left alone, still trapped on the table. "Yaaaaay... I woooon... Too bad I'm still stuck here. I hope that idiot NuFaGtu didn't forget about me down here...." says Veronica as she looks to the door for an immenent rescue. "Yup... Any minute now..."

Real Man and I are walking along the interstate, getting as much room betwwen us and the rest station as possible. We're making ok time, although he is stopping every minute or so to puke on the roadside. "This is your own fault Eric! I can't believe that you actually called the cops on me for breaking that the vending machine! And I only did it to feed you! Man, that's weak, dude." I say. "But I gotta give you credit Real Man, you did it. And if you play your cards right, you'll be a REAL contender guaranteed! (This guarantee is not a guarantee.) So champ, any words for your fans?" I ask. "REAL MAN IS HUUURRRGGGHHHH..." vomits Real Man, getting the majority of the puke on his own shoes. "For once, I couldn't have said it better myself..."

S6 Consolation Round 3 – Kitties vs Empire

For this match I did a little something different.  I (Fizzatu) relied on the help of fellow watchers Nickatu and Goofatu.  We used a fun literary game we like to call “Fortunately/Unfortunately”.  The rules are simple. Each watcher had to add one line to the story but the only requirement was that we had to alternate the starting word of each of our entries between “Fortunately” and “Unfortunately”.  Hope you all enjoy reading it as much as we did writing it.   Now on to the match:

The Empire are: Watchdog #3 and 4

Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family: Scott Pilgrim (w/ Devil Lance), Carrie Bradshaw, and Treasure Troll #17

The Kitties Team approaches the abandoned rest stop where they are to do battle today.

(Fizz) Fortunately, The light in the woman's bathroom still works because Carrie Bradshaw needs to take a shit.

(Nick) Unfortunately, Carrie discovered there wasn`t any toilet paper immediately after she delivered a wet loaf to the grimy black and brown speckled bowl she was hovering over.

(Goof) Fortunately, this didn't bother Carrie because she's pretty sure it was a no-wipe delivery.  So she dug some hand sanitizer from her D&G clutch and began rubbing it into her leathery hands. 

(Fizz) Unfortunately, as she was buying a decade old vending machine tampon to stem the light flow from her abused anus, the lights went out and she heard Scott Pilgrim scream. 

(Nick) Fortunately, Carrie remembered that she had an LED compact in her D&G and pulled it out to light up the darkness that the supposedly cool slacker had caused.

(Goof) Unfortunately, reflected in the compact was a horrible monster. 

(Fizz) Fortunately, the monster she saw in the mirror was merely a reflection of her own gaunt, haggard visage. 

(Nick) Unfortunately, the sight of her own reflection was still frightening enough to make her drop and therefore break the only light source she had.

(Goof) Fortunately, being plunged into sudden darkness hid Carrie from the watchdogs who went running past only moments later. 

(Fizz) Unfortunately for the Treasure Troll, he too went undetected in the darkness and was crushed by one of the Watchdogs as they ran out of the restroom and into the common area of the rest stop. 

(Nick) Fortunately for the Kitties, The Watchdogs did not notice they crushed the troll and kept on moving right along, definitely not doing anything that might usually take place at a rest stop during a consolation match.

(Goof) Unfortunately because they were in such a hurry, they did not notice Carrie sneaking out of the bathroom. 

(Fizz) Fortunately for the Watchdogs, the moon provided just enough light for them to see Scott Pilgrim standing before them, gripping his devil lance, poised to strike. 

(Nick) Unfortunately for the Kitties, Carrie gave away her hidden location after mistaking the two Watchdogs for Steve and Miranda, therefore leaving herself and Scott wide open to the Watchdogs.

(Goof) Fortunately for Carrie and Scott, the watch dogs didn't discuss which person to go after and they collided with each other while each rushing in the opposite direction;  Landing In a confused heap on the ground. 

(Fizz) Unfortunately for Watchdog #3, he looked up just in time to see Scott Pilgrim and Carrie Bradshaw tipping a Pepsi vending machine over on top of him. 

(Nick) Fortunately for Watchdog #3, Pepsi was his drink of choice as he welcomed the coming death knowing that his beloved would be the cause of his demise.

(Goof) Unfortunately Carrie’s fear of empty calories drove her into a crazed screaming fit, distracting her from the remaining Watchdog who moved into position to strike. 

(Fizz) Fortunately for the Kitties, as Carrie ran in circles around the Watchdog, it caused him to become dizzy and he began to stagger. 

(Nick) Unfortunately for Carrie, all that running around caused her to break the right heel of her Jungle Red Manolo Blahnik`s, sending her crashing to the ground in a Tsunami of emotions.

(Goof) Unfortunately, the remaining watchdog could not take advantage of the greedy woman's collapse because Scott Pilgrim chose that moment to launch into an attack.

(Fizz) Fortunately for Scott, commons are expendable in the FFL and he thrusted his devil lance deep into the remaining Watchdog's torso. 

(Nick) Unfortunately for Scott, as soon as he finished off the Watchdog and said something douchy to him, he began to get the hard sell from Carrie as she is very much attracted to giant DB's.

(Goof) Fortunately for the watcher he can wrap this thing up. 

(Fizz) Unfortunately for the reader, this love story is just beginning…

(Nick) Unfortunately for Scott, Carrie would not quit with her advances and soon enough the two of them were in a committed relationship, albeit one where the affection was overwhelmingly one sided.

(Goof) Fortunately for Scott, Carrie was still legally married to Mr. Big so in true Scott Pilgrim form he knew he would have to fight and hopefully die before becoming trapped in this one sided relationship. 

(Fizz) Unfortunately for Scott, Carrie has years of training in manipulating men. 

(Nick) Fortunately for Scott, growing up his favorite film was "The Black Stallion" so even though he couldn't stomach her as a lover, he could at least love her as a faithful companion.

(Goof) Unfortunately Carrie was suddenly stricken with a case of equine encephalomyelitis. 

(Fizz) Fortunately, Scott was the heir to the largest sugar cube company in all of Canada so he was able to provide his beloved with all the nourishment she required. 

 (Nick) Unfortunately, Ramona found out about Carrie and was now starting her own battle for the heart of the Sugar Cube Heir.

(Goof) Fortunately... And ironically... Carrie had a sizable investment in a glue factory and had a glue moat poured around the battlefield. Keeping Ramona at bay.

(Fizz) Unfortunately for the new love birds, Ramona also had the help of the wealthy Mr. Big who flew the two over the moat in his corporate helicopter. 

(Nick) Fortunately for Scott, as soon as Carrie saw Mr. Big with Ramona she snapped out of her infatuation and began to run back to her silver fox.

(Goof) Unfortunately for Carrie, Ramona doesn't take kindly to someone moving in on her man and she flattens Carrie mid-stride with her giant cartoon hammer. 

(Fizz) Fortunately for Carrie's honor, Mr. Big felt it necessary to avenge the death of his wife by picking up Scott and casting him down into glue moat below, sending Ramona into a rage again. 

(Nick) Unfortunately for Ramona, she let her rage get the best of her as Mr. Big easily moved out of the way of her charge and she ran directly into the glue filled moat.

Fortunately for you readers, Goof has grown tiresome of this madness and refuses to continue.

Unfortunately, this can easily continue in the comments below.

Universe Bowl Status

Pursuant to the authority of "Ryan-time," I will be posting the Universe Bowl in approximately three months. . .
-Bryatu

Universe Bowl VI Official Poster

Spoiler Sport Play-Off Spectacular!

Hello Everyone, Cotton McKnight here. Welcome to Spoiler Sport: Play-Off Edition. Here on the Ocho! The FFL meat-grinder known as the Play-Offs are taking their toll on the remaining teams. The final four hoped to rise above the competition, but only two could prevail on their way to the Universe Bowl.

The Hebert Division was well represented in the Stan Lee Conference Finals, as Team Sleeping Pussy battled The Royal Highness. The Highness' MVP Yoda got things started off right, until Spider-Girl Mattie Franklin forced his own lightsaber into him via her trusty web-shooters! She soon met her own Doomsday, along with other fellow Pussies. The Pussies' Aspen finally ended The Kraken's
ocean dominace, while the ever dangerous Dr. Manhattan fell to the advanced weaponry of The Enterprise. This intense battle culminated with The Pussies' Mimic attempting to aid The FFL through NFG Mike. Whether this information is of any use remains to be determined, given NFG's noted vices. Both were soon destroyed by Cyborg DoomsKang, along with the Enterprise, although he managed to save Heather Houslander en route to a Highness win! Has Kang turned over a new leaf, or is there something far more sinister afoot?!? I know I'm supposed to tell you something here, but what? Why... Why can't I remember Season 5? ....... AHEM...... Excuse me folks, I apologise. That was unprofessional...

The Lucas Conference featured a rematch from Universe Bowl 2: George Washington's Slaves versus The Horsemen of Apokolips! Neither team gave an inch, nor expected less than the best from their rival. The Horsemen were lead by the dreaded Witch King of Angmar, while George Washington himself commanded The Slaves. The skyline of The Play-Off Planet got a little remodling done courtesy of a dogfight between Top Gun Maverick and Megatron. The mutually assured destruction took both of them off the battlefield! Slaves' Play-Off MVP Sauron delivered a legendary performance, culminating with the deaths of The Horsemen's Witch King, Flamebird, Dracula, and even Superman! A version of the first Horseman, Vampire Achilles, put an end to Sauron's kiling spree, sending him to the FFL Graveyard! George Washington thinned the Horsemen's ranks atop a Sandworm, unfortunately, this deadly duo were stopped by the unlikely combination of The Technodrome, Tripticon, and The Dragonzord, The Triple-Techno-Dragonzord! It was crippled in the fight, and was ultimately destroyed by The Middle-Aged Canadian-Hockey Players. In the end, it boiled down to a lively two on two struggle between The Slaves' Leader George Washington and Black Lantern Han Solo and The Horsemen's Green Ranger Tommy and renegade OA Guardian Scar. This close range melee ended with Scar as the only remaining member of either team standing when the smoke cleared. The Horsemen of Apokolips sent 12 Slaves to The Graveyard on their way to an unprecidented third Universe Bowl! Congratulations are in order for Horsemen owner Ryan for acheiving this impressive feat! Respect is also due to the Slaves, who showed why they have been among the most successful franchizes in FFL history!

This means that Universe Bowl 6 will feature the unlikely match-up of The Horsemen of Apokolips versus The Royal Highness! The Horsemen obviously have the experience edge, and their prior meeting can only boost The Horsemen's confidence! On the other side, The Royal Highness has been rolling at the right time, and their owner is desperate to redeem his previous failures! The sheer number of natural rivalries in this match mean that Destiny herself may have played a part in this epic battle! Good luck to both both teams in what is sure to be a worthy addition to The Universe Bowl tradition!

We now head to our special guest correspondant for The FFL Consolation Rounds! Chris, it's all yours! Chris? Um, where's Chris?

3... 2... 1...

WELCOME TO FFL... IS... JERICHO!!! I'm your host, known to the Jerichoholics as Y2J!!! The rest of you ham and eggers can simply refer to me as The Living Legend!!! We're here at some random auto parts store in the middle of nowhere to interview the MVP for the second Consolation Round. And what's your name, cupcake?

"I'm Billy Mitchell, the expert video game player. "Mr. USA!" I hold world records in..."

Hey, I didn't ask for your life story, junior. We all know that you are a hot sauce slinging also-ran, but how could you beat up a helpless woman in a parking lot?

"I figured you might know, Chris..."

................ Aaaaand thats all the time I have for this week. In the meantime, don't be a FROOT! Buy my book: "A Lion's Tale." I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!!

Thanks Chris! That about wraps it up for Spoiler Sport for this week... What's that Pepper? I thought we'd give you the week off due to the low number of teams...
Oh! Pepper is determined to bring you the Graveyard Resurrection points for this week! Take it Pepper!

"Muh muhmuh muh muhhmuh muh muhmuh muhmuh muh muhmuh muh. Muh muhmuh muh muh muh muhhmuh muh! Muhmuhm muhmuh muhmuh muh muh muhmuh muhhmuh!!! Muh muh muh muhmuh."

Now that's a trooper, ladies and gentlemen! Thanks Pepper! We will be waiting with baited breath for the outcome of The Universe Bowl, and the ultimate champion for Season 6! In the meantime, join The Ocho live tomorrow for a little fun as we feature the annual memorial golf outing in honor of Kurt! We will watch as TEAM Brotherhood of Better Royals engages the field to defend their "Worst Team" award for the second year in a row. We here at Spoiler Sport like their chances, but the looming question remains... Are their livers strong enough? Slaves owner Chris Artrip will also make an appearance, although he has stated that no autographs will be signed. Rumor has it that FFL fan favorites Jeff Houslander and Larry Reamer will be in attendance, and Watcher Nickatu may be keeping tabs on us all! Be sure to check out the Trophy case, where The Empire's owner Adam Hernandez is sure to dazzle the crowd with his master craftsmanship! Regardless of the outcome, a good time will be had by all!

While we await The Universe Bowl, the Consolation Rounds are sure to entertain, featuring a crowning of a new King of Consolation 2013! Until then, stay tuned for 52 card pick-up, live from Reno, Nevada. For The Ocho, I'm Cotton McKnight. Thank you and goodnight.

Consolation Round 3. One last rest stop.

The brief pit stop at the autoparts store was just what we needed to continue the road trip of bloodlust that is the consolation rounds, but we're nearing the end of our journey. But what's a road trip with out rest stop? With that in mind, our final round be held in an abandoned rest stop. This round's rosters will be 12 points with the winners receiving  6 resurrection points. In addition to the resurrection points, the team that is crowned this year's "King of the Consolation Match" will also earn three extra draft balls for the 2014 draft.


The matches will be:

King of the Consolation Match: Real Man's Rabblerousers vs Griswold's Nut Busters.

Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse vs TEAM


George Washington's Slaves vs Team Sleeping Pussy


Shemalabama's Shit-Kickers vs Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers vs The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets

 President Barack Obama and Taylor Swift's Red Army vs Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies

The Emipre vs Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together To Make a New Family


Anyone interested in writing is more than welcome to, just let me know. Again, due to my own tardiness, rosters will be due Thursday night.


Thanks, and good luck to everyone.

The Universe Bowl VI BABY!!!!

The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. The Royal Highness

Points: 1200
Setting: The Play-off Planet (duh)
Prize: Darth Vader/V-Wing Transformer and 80 Graveyard Points.

S6 PlayOffs. Round 2 Highness vs Team SP

The Royal Highness is: Yoda, Doomslayer, Cyborg Doomsday, Steel Doomsday, Superboy Doomsday, Q, Metroplex, Mysterio, Electro, Professor X, Phantom Stranger, Apollo, Midnighter, Vampire Kang the Conqueror/DC Spiderman, Paul Antreides, Sandworm #8-35, The Kraken, Morgan Le Fey, Yellow Lantern Fatality, Chriselon (green lantern), Geo-force, Heather Houslander w/green lightsaber, NFG Mike w/green lightsaber, Ewok #50-2, Doozer #3-1. And the U.S.S. Enterprise,  Bat-wing, and Ferrari GTO

Team Sleeping Pussy is: Doctor Strange with Mithril Vest, Blockbuster, Captain Boomerang, Flash (Jay Garrick), Blink, D'Spayre, Unus the Untouchable, Johnny Bates (Adult "Kid Marvelman"), Webstor, Moss Man, Spider-Woman (Mattie Franklin), Droid Fighter Ship #13 and 14, Mimic, Dolphin, Black Manta, Aquagirl, Namor with Trident, Aspen, Psycho Pirate, Dr Manhattan, James Bond with Astro-Harness, Planetary:  Elijah Snow, Jakita Wagner, The Drummer and Ambrose Chase, Female Sentinels #s8-10--90

Korvac, Compsognathus

 

Team SP's Compy vividly remembers it's good friend Reginald "Butterscotch" McTwivent as it roams the city of the Play Off Planet. The little carnivore and the deceased  SHIELD agent had quite the time back in 2011's Consolation Round, brutally killing some video game guys in a steel cage. "If only Butterscotch could see me now. We're in the play-offs! We could be going to the Universe Bowl!" the little chicken sized creature thinks as it crosses the road. Suddenly, there's a squeal of tires and the Compy is crushed by the GTO of the Highness as it veers wildly into a phone pole. The horn blares as the driver of the car exits the vehicle. Ewok 50-2 is bleeding profusely from the face, and is more than likely concussed. There's a bloody spot on the consul where Doozer 3-1 was turned to a splatter. 

 

"Yuh, yuh. Yubbbbb." murmers the Ewok as he staggers about. The loud noise of the crash has caught the attention of Captain Boomerang, Jay Garrick and James Bond, who've been assigned to the city. 

 

"Sumtin' bout this ain't quite right" says Capt. Boomerang "But a kills a kill" He throws one of his razor boomerangs and puts it right between the Ewok's eyes. As the trio goes to investigate the wreckage further, there's a series of blasts as photon torpedoes begin tearing up the street. 

 

"TAKE COVER!!" screams Jay Garrick as he races out of the way, but it's too late for old Boomer-butt and Bond as they're killed in the various explosions. He takes cover behind the GTO. Jay peeks his head above the trunk to see if the coast is clear, when the trunk pops open, catching the elderly speedster on the chin. As Jay stumbles backwards, Yoda emerges amidst a flurry of packing peanuts. It seems the car crash and torpedoes were just a diversion. The Highness' little green bud easily dispatches Jay Garrick. 

 

"It on, you shall bring." says the squad's number one draft pick as he paitently waits for what he knows is about to come.  The resurrected, former Slave doesn't wait long as Spider-Girl, Mattie Franklin, swings into action. Yoda dodges a few of the attacks, but is caught in one of her weblines and thrown into a near by building. Mattie follows Yoda inside, and barely dodges a desk that Yoda hurls her way. The two find themselves evenly matched, but things sway Mattie's way, when Yoda in an act of desperation hurls his lightsaber at her. She ducks the throw and catches it with a webline and whips it back at him. The lightsaber hits Yoda right in the chest, and he falls to the floor.

 

"Sorry, Master Yoda. You were a hero of mine." says Mattie.

 

"And for that.... sorry...I am." Yoda replies with his dying breath. The building begins to quake and shake as Mattie realizes too her horror that Yoda was just a distraction. Steel Doomsday bursts through the floor and smashes into her. The steel monster grabs ahold of her before she can move and beats her to a bloody pulp. It roars in triumph, and takes off to find another victim.

 

We'll leave the stillness of the city, and focus on the water area of the planet. The normally clam, blue waters have bubbled into a reddish hue and violent waves mirror the violence going on in the deep. The lifeless body of Namor slowly floats toward the surface. Dolphin's neck is bent at a horrific angle. Black Manta's face has turned blue beneath the shattered remains of his helmet. The beast known as the Kracken was severely weakened as it was shredding through the various Pussies. It pauses it's attack after devouring Aquagirl, Namor's broken trident still protruding from it's eye when suddenly the water begins to churn. Aspen uses her water manipulation abilities to hammer the Kracken. The Kracken tries to push her back, but Aspen's powers are too much. The monster finally succumbs to the murky depths for the final time. But Aspen's victory is short lived, as Electro suddenly appears behind her, teleported down from the Enterprise.Both Electro and Aspen are killed as the electricity runs through the water, effectively ending the use of this terrain for the remaining battle.

The desert portion of the planet is equally as still. The many sandworms of the Highness have made short work of Unus the Untouchable, his ability to not be touched does little good against a foe who can swallow you in a single bite. The Planetary crew and the female Sentinels met a similar fate as Unus but the man known as Mimic singlehandedly  ended their kill streak, first by mimicking the powers of fallen teammate Aspen to control what little moisture was in the air to poison some of the creatures, then by taking the mystical abilities of Doctor Strange to summon torrential downpours of rain and wind to flood the rest of the area and finish off the rest.Mimic pauses to catch his breath, then heads off into the desert to a hidden base in the desert to plunder it for it's various riches and try to prevent the future that he knows is coming for them all.

In space, Doctor Manhattan found himself impervious to the light based constructs of Chriselon and Fatality, their rings basically useless against a being of pure energy. Dr Manhattan drains the rings of their charges and the two suffocate off in the vastness of the stars. The darkness of space, suddenly gets darker for Manhattan as the Enterprise casts a shadow of the blue, glowing man. The ship fires upon him, and he easily absorbs the blast. Before he can fire it back, he suddenly begins to flicker. Doctor Manhattan's glow begins to fade, and then he changes color from blue to red. He then rockets to earth, the two Droid fighter ships both are vaporized as they made the mistake of being in his path. 

Aboard the Enterprise the group of NFG,  Professor X, Heather, DC SpiderKang and Cyborg Doomslayer sit  aboard the bridge and watch the carnage that is happening all around them. Heather is horrified as she witnesses the deaths of various players on both teams. Geo-Force, Blockbuster, Paul Antredies, Morgan LeFey, Doctor Strange. Blink. All slaughtered before her eyes.

"Josh...what have you gotten me into she murmers.

"Don't worry Heather, we're safe up here. Trust me." says NFG when he begins to see XAS Mike before his eyes. 

"You keep lying to her pal, you just keep lying." he sneers "I know what your up to."

"Shut up." growls NFG "You don't know anything"

"I know you haven't been living up to the highness part of your lineage, 'your majesty'. I know that you think that you're calling the shots here, but guess what. You're not. You don't even see what's happening here."

 

"F**k you! I own this team. I call the shots! Hell, I'm a f**king Watcher, man. And I'm about to go from the Outhouse to the Penthouse. Kang told me himself."

 

"Hahahahaha. Your trust in the Conqueror is misplaced. You'll see. Yyyooooouuuuu'llll ssssseeeeeeeee....." as he fades from existence. 

".....as he said. D'Sparye was no match for Q and the Stranger. Q is dead, but the Stranger is still there. And he was right again. Korvac was no match for the bomb that we turned Manhattan into. Yeah, Psycho Pirate turned the Doomsdays against each other, but he wasn't able to manipulate Doomslayer after he amped him up so much. Doomslayer killed him and is still rampaging. Just like Kang said, he's headed in the direction of the Stranger and it's only a matter of time before the two put each other out."

"Awesome....awesome. I... I need some...I gotta go."

NFG retreats to his quarters. He grabs his lightsaber, and begins to convert it to it's usual bong capabilites. 

"Just to calm my nerves. Josh won't mind....besides...We got this. Kang told me."

"Kang told you alot, but did he tell you everything?" says a voice

NFG drops what was in his hands and whirls around. Infront of him is the last remaining Pussy. Mimic. 

"What are you talking about? Answer me!" he demands.

"Ok, but you answer me first. How long have you been seeing the XAS version of yourself? And WHY have you been seeing him?"

"I dunno, like a few weeks. And why ask why? Try Bud dry!" NFG giggles.

"Have you ever talked to Xavier about how he feels losing control of his team? We're talking about a man who's named schools and superteams after himself. A true ego maniac. You think that type of humiliation just rolls off his back?"

 

"Wait...you mean...."

 

"That's right. XAS Mike is just Professor X screwing with your head. At the request of one man. Kang."

 

"What?"

 

"That's right. Kang's making a play for your team. He's know about this for years. See for yourself."

 

Mimic throws a bunch of papers at the bewildered NFG. It's a press release stating that the Royal Highness is now under new management in the tragic death of owner Mike Greenwall. The team will now be lead by season 6 MVP Vampire Kang the Conqueror and shall be known as Kang's Dynasty. 

 

"This...that...bullsh**t. I don't buy it." Mike throws the papers at Mimic. "I brought Kang back. He owes me his LIFE. He'd never betray me. We're boys. Hell, he's the one who told me to make sure I take care of Heather"

 

"And why is that?" smirks Mimic "Why would he care for the wife of Josh Houslander? Maybe because whatever team owns the rights to a female player owns the rights to their children? And what better child to be able to train and nurture than one of Josh's? His other two children have shown Jedi capabilities, the power that young Scarlett will manifest is anyone's guess. But to a timetraveler it's no guess, it's common knowledge. The power of Scarlett Houslander will bring all who oppose it to their knees. This is a fact, I've seen it. Kang showed me."

 

"Wait...what?"

 

"Oh, he doesn't know he showed me. You see, we used to be friends when he was on Team SP. He was interested in my power of borrowing others abilities. But after I saw how callous he is with the lives of his teammates and "friends" I decided to take a little insurance out on my pal Kang and borrow his timetravel abilities. I know where this is headed. I know my end is near. I'm just here on behalf of another friend."

 

"Who?" asks Mike

 

"Butterscotch. Old Reginald McTwivent knew Kang was no good, so he made me promise to get the word out. He tried to use the Ocho, and was able to stop the future that black lantern Kang unleashed last year. But he didn't count of vampire Kang."

 

"No. He didn't" says a voice. Mimic whirls and sees DC Spiderkang. He fires and hits the man right between the eyes. Kang drops to the floor.

 

"Oh my god! You killed Kangy! You bastard!" yells NFG as he tackles Mimic. He punches Mimic in the face and screams. 

 

Mimic pushes him off and stands.

 

"Idiot. You really don't remember anything, do you?" he hears a roar and a thunder of footsteps. "We don't have much time, if you don't ever believe anything I say believe this. Cyborg Doomsday is about to thunder through that door, and will kill us both. Kang has uploaded his consciousness to the beast and lives through him. Heather is safe, and only she and Cyborg Kang shall survive the match and the crash of the Enterprise."

 

"Crash of the....DAMMIT! MY INSURANCE PREMIUMS SUCK ALREADY I CAN'T AFFORD ANOTHER F**KING RATE HIKE!!!"

 

"Quiet. Just know what Kang is up to. He's not just after the Universe Bowl. Kang is looking to..."

 

Mimic is unable to finish his sentence. Cyborg Doomsday smashes into the room and punches him right through the wall.  The hole torn in the wall causes a vacum that NFG is unable to withstand, as he's sucked off into space he swears he sees the monster smile and wave at him. The hole causes the Enterprise to begin to crash into the PlayOff Planet. As the ship enters the atmosphere, Cyborg Doomsday grabs ahold of Heather and launches the two of them free of the crash. Heather shakily looks at the beast, grateful and amazed by it's shocking display of humanity.

 

"It was nothing, my dear. However, I feel we haven't been introduced. I'm not the monster know as Doomsday. It is I, Kang who has taken control of the beast's form to serve our fair team ."

"Well, whoever you are. Thank you." says Heather as her eyes tear up and she absent mindedly twirls the non-functioning ring of her black lantern husband

"No trouble at all. Just know I'm here to look out for your best interests" says Cyber DoomKang as he eyes the ring 

"Now, about your daughter, Scarlett is it??"

Season 6, Week 2 Consolation Match: Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse vs. Shemalabama's Shit-Kickers

“Come inside, it’s fun inside!!”

            -Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Theme song

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 6, Week 2 Consolation Match located at the Pep Boys in Farmington Hills, Michigan.  They are as follows:

Grindhouse: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Crew: Mickey Mouse with Legion flight ring, Minnie Mouse with star wand, Donald Duck with red lantern ring, Daisy Duck, Goofy, Pluto, Scrooge McDuck with green lightsaber and special guest appearance by Treasure Troll #9.

Shit-Kickers: Romeo and Juliet with Orko.

Let the battle begin. . .

Tires Section. . .

Juliet sits on top of a large tire display.

Juliet:  Romeo.  O Romeo.  Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo:  Over here; now shut thy feeble mouth ye wench!  You’ll give away thine location.

Juliet listens to her young lover and cowers behind the tires located at the top of the display case.  Romeo gathers his wits and tunnels into a layer of tires. As Romeo makes his way through the tires, he comes face to face with Treasure Troll #9.  A surprised Treasure Troll attempts to alert his teammates at the whereabouts of the Grindhouse’s enemies.  Before he can, Romeo grabs the creature by its’ throat and squeezes until the greenish tint of its skin turns a shade of blue.   Treasure Troll #9 dies. 

Goofy walks through the tire aisle and notices a piece of Juliet’s dress hanging from the display.

Goofy:  Hey b@tch, how ‘bout you comin’ out to face me.

Goofy draws a socket wrench and screwdriver from his pants.  He places both tools in his elongated mouth and begins to climb the display stand.   Miraculously, Juliet throws and manages to capture Goofy with a Uniroyal.  The tire slides down Goofy’s body and his arms are pinned together by the tire.  Juliet leaps down and sees the snow tire chains.  She gathers the chains and begins to lash Goofy in the face and head with the weaponized metal. 

Goofy: Damn b@#ch; why’d you do me like that!

Goofy falls to the ground and his head becomes a puddle of brain matter and blood.  Goofy dies at the hands of the Shakespearean harlot.

Accessories Aisle. . .

Orko levitates down the aisle.  He sees Pluto and raises his arms in anticipation of casting a spell that will lead to the demise of the orange canine.  Pluto sees Orko and rises on his haunches; he begins to growl. 

Orko:  Hello puppy.  Time to die!  Bleemun Obscurus!

As always, the spell backfires and Orko is pinned to the aisle’s floor with fashion lighting. Daisy Duck and Scrooge McDuck walk up to Orko.  Pluto joins the two.  Daisy and McDuck remove a car cover from the shelf and create a tent-like structure in the aisle.  Nothing can be seen, but everything can be heard.   

Pluto emits a low growl.

Orko:  Are you going to harm a defenseless opponent?

Scrooge McDuck:  Damn straight we are ye little f#ck.

A lightsaber can be heard as it ignites.

McDuck:  Piece by f#ckin’ bloody piece. . .

The screams of Orko and maniacal laughter of both Daisy and Scrooge can be heard throughout the store. 

Tire Section. . .

Juliet is seen in front of the Michelin Man display.  Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse have the woman in their sights and fly toward Juliet.  A red pincer pulls her from the ground and she screams.

Juliet: Unhand me you foul Grindhouse creatures!

Donald Duck:  No problem b@#ch; we won’t use our hands.  Hey Mickey, time for the leaky submarine maneuver.

Mickey Mouse:  Hehe; sounds good to me friend.

The two characters violate Juliet in unmentionable ways—the leaky submarine is utilized and all holes are plugged by various means and projections.  A tattered and barely clothed Juliet crawls across the floor.  She looks up to see Daisy Duck.  Daisy points her star wand at the Shakespearean Capulet.

Daisy:  Goodnight sweet b#$ch!

The star wand ignites and sparks Juliet’s head.  She dies.

Romeo hears his beloved’s screams and races toward the violence.  The Montague sees Juliet on the ground – dead.

Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, Pluto and Scrooge McDuck all set upon the former lover of Juliet.  Donald Duck utilizes his ring and transports Romeo over to the Car Care and Maintenance Section.

Car Care and Maintenance Section. . .

Romeo is held in place by the wiring of the aisle.  Donald Duck begins to squawk “Maniac” by Michael Sembello.  While he attempts to sing, both Daisy and Minnie spray Romeo with oil and various lubricants.  Romeo sputters at the acrid smell and foul liquids covering his body.

Romeo:  Alas Juliet, I come to be with ye!

Mickey Mouse pulls out an ignition switch which has been connected to the wiring holding Romeo in place.

Mickey:  Both in Hell b#$ches!!!

Romeo bursts into flames and dies.

The theme song plays from the speakers above as the six dance together. 

It’s the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Come inside.  It’s fun inside!
M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E.

Mickey Mouse:  And now all you a$$holes see what happens to you if you f#ck with us!!!  Look forward to seeing you all real soon!

 

 

TEAM Vs. Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

TEAM is Ratta the Hutt, Billy Mitchell (w/ laser gun and laser sword), Steve Sandersn(w/ pokeball), and Cock Sneak Goomba #9 and 10

Kennelz are The Oracle.



“Get the lead out asswipe!! You’re dicking around with my plan!!” Billy Mitchell screamed angrily out the car window, pressing down on the horn as he wove his way through the parking lot of the auto parts store, Abe’s Auto Amenities. He turned to Steve Sanders and muttered, “There’s never anywhere to park at this place.”
In the back seat, Cock Sneak Goombas 9 and 10 nodded in agreement. Ratta the Hutt didn’t really give a damn since he was busy being a baby.
They had reached the outer edge of the rather massive lot, Billy nervously running the fingers of his free hand through his raven locks, smiling with self-love as he caught a serendipitous glance at himself in the rearview mirror. Steve sighed.
“Billy, I don’t feel like carting the baby and the goombas all the way from here to the store. It’s gonna take forever and we just need a couple of small things. Just go grab an open handicap space. We’ll be in and out in five minutes and then we can finally get over to the Peach Pit to meet Kelly and play a game of Donkey Kong.”
Reluctantly, Billy circled the lot one last time and when he didn’t find a good spot, headed for the handicapped section directly in front of the store. There was only one left, but they pulled in anyway.
As they climbed out of the car, a horned blared directly behind them.
The Oracle, Barbara Gordon had been waiting for the space they had just taken. “Hey! What are you doing? I don’t see a handicap permit anywhere on your car!”
Billy responded, “Get over it lady, we’ll be out in a minute.”
“But I’m the one in the damn wheelchair you inconsiderate S.O.B.!”
Billy and Steve both waved her off dismissively, evoking a boiling rage that Barbara could sense in every cell of her being. Hadn’t life kicked her down enough? She was sick of her wheelchair and her adult diapers. She was sick of this society and the selfish pricks populating it. More than anything, she was sick of looking at this tool in front of her car with the ugly haircut. She revved her engine and tore after them, running over the goombas and Ratta the Hutt instantly. Steve reeled back and flung a pokeball at her. Out popped Pikachu, but he refused to help, explaining that at this point he’s really just the franchise’s cute and cuddly mascot. Unfazed by Steve’s attack, The Oracle plowed into Steve with the front of her wheelchair accessible van, knocking him to the ground so that she could drive right over him in the process. Billy’s laser sword was in the trunk of his car, which was blocked by The Oracle’s oversized “look at me everyone I’m handicapped” van. Luckily he had a backup plan. He always does. He pulled out bottle after bottle of Rickey’s Hot Sauce from his pockets and began throwing them at Oracle’s car. The bottles cracked open, splashing the orange sauce everywhere, completely blanketing the windshield with it. Unable to see in front of her, she began swerving more and more; she couldn’t even tell which direction she was going in anymore, so she was unable to see that she was about to slam through the front window of the store. Her windshield shattered on impact, and a broken bottle of Rickey’s sauce came sailing in through the new opening, lodging itself in The Oracle’s neck, severing her carotid artery and leaving Billy Mitchell the only survivor of the attack at Abe’s Auto Amenities.