A new TEAMmate

We here at the Fantasy Fantasy League are very pleased to announce the arrival of the newest TEAMmate, Edwin Maxwell Zacharski - 8lbs 5oz. A huge congratulations go out to his parents Ed and Sarah!

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER IV: FAMILY FRACAS IN THE FOREST

            A soft voice is heard in the background as a figure hovers over an unseen mechanism.  The being is surrounded by the dense foliage associated with the Playoff Planet’s forest region. 

            “...so I was thinking about love tonight...,” states Billy Mack.

            “And you realized it was all around,” finishes Joe.

            “Hey look I’m serious, I just left Elton’s where there was a...” chimes Billy Mack before his voice is quickly cut off by the voice of Chris Artrip in Black Lantern form.

            “What are you doing over there?” asks BL Chris Artrip toward the figure.

            “Umm, nothing,” replies Black Lantern Julie Artrip to her dead husband as she briskly puts her cell phone away and steps from the trees’ shadows.

            “No seriously, what are you doing over there?” requests BL Chris.

            “None of your f@#$ing business, okay…  Sweetie,” responds BL Julie.

            A frustrated BL Chris flies over to his bride and floats in front of her face, an angered look creasing his decayed face.

            “You were watching a movie instead of paying attention to the match,” says BL Chris through gritted teeth.

            “I was watching ‘Love Actually!’  Okay?!?!  Which is more than just a movie. . .  Honey.”

            “Well get your sh%t together asap because we are not going to be taking this team lightly!  I want to win this championship and I want to be the one to see it through!”

            “You think pretty highly of yourself don’t you… Sugar Tits!” coos BL Julie.

            BL Chris’ face becomes even more grotesque.  “Kiss my a$$ Julie. Just because we were brought back to life doesn’t mean we have to be friends!  I wouldn’t touch your desiccated piece if the owner paid me!”

            “Suits me just fine… Babe,” replies BL Julie.  “It was ‘til death do us part after all; nothing about post mortem in that contract.”

            “F$@# you, you defunct dirt-napping piece of drek!”

            BL Julie appears to have actually been hurt by that last comment of her spouse.  “Have fun winning the match all by yourself... D#ck!”  BL Julie turns around.  The cell phone floats upward from her shredded garment and she begins to look upon one of the best romantic comedies of the last decade, once again.

            BL Chris turns around to leave his dearly departed when he suddenly finds himself staring face to foot with an AT-ST.  He mumbles an expletive that cannot be heard and twists his head slightly around. 

            “Umm, honey,” begins BL Chris.  “I think I am going to need a little help here.”

            BL Julie begrudgingly begins to turn her attention away from the movie as she chatters to BL Chris. 

            “Oh now you need some help in this,” BL Julie says.

            Before BL Julie can finish making light of her husband’s bravado, she finds herself engulfed in a barrage of laser fire from the AT-ST. The fusillade knocks her to the ground where she is rendered barely conscious.  BL Chris quickly soars over to his wife; dead or not, arguing or not, he still loves her putrefying body. BL Julie is badly wounded, but he notices, in relief, that her black lantern ring is still intact.  His mind is put to ease in a brief respite.  BL Chris leaves her lying on the ground and flies up to the cockpit of the Imperial monster only to find a familiar face behind the viewport.

            “Oh hey, Heather, fancy meeting you here tonight,” exclaims BL Chris.

            Heather Houslander opens up the channel on her communications’ system so that her voice can be heard outside of the vehicle. 

            “Charming to the last, Chris,” replies Houslander.

            “I swear if you lay another finger on her...” an enraged BL Chris begins to spout.

            “You’ll what? Kill me?” she mockingly laughs.  “You think somebody like me has any chance of surviving a match like this?  My fate is already predetermined by the powers that be!” 

            BL Chris hovers above her cockpit, speechless.

            “Go ahead Chris,” antagonizes Houslander, “make a couple more idle threats!”

            “I’ll show you what an idle threat looks like!” admonishes BL Chris.

            BL Chris smashes the cockpit’s window and lunges straight for Houslander’s chest.  His right claw rips through her bosom and pulls her heart out through the leather jacket she is wearing. Heather dies.  BL Chris notices that the now dead Heather Houslander lays motionless in her seat with an eerily, discomforting smile on her face. BL Chris shrugs off the strange sight and consumes the remaining chunk of her heart.  When he finishes (quickly as rumor has it), he floats out of the broken cockpit and notices that where his wife once was, only a single, hatched egg remains.  He brazenly flies down to where BL Julie was lying down.  The dead lantern picks up pieces of the shell and wonders what sprang forth from the egg.  He notices a small squeak as a miniature dinosaur hops out from behind the bushes with blood around its muzzle and a dead female’s arm with a black lantern ring on it.  BL Chris becomes enraged.

            “Oh you piece of s@#& motherf$@&er! I am going to rip your G-dd@$& c@&#sucking heart right out of your...”

            “But I am afraid you will not arrive at the chance to do so Mr. Artrip,” a softly spoken BL Albus Dumbledore states.

            BL Albus Dumbledore removes the ring off of the lantern’s hand with all the skill and professionalism he had when he was the Head Master of Hogwarts. As the black lantern formally known as Artrip crumbles into nothingness, a look of almost sadness rises to his face.  A tragedy of the events suffered by his team due to his own hubris clouds his thoughts as he loses his final life in the league.

            “What a shame it is to take the life of somebody with such promise. I mean, not that this exactly fits the situation, but just in general.  It is such a shame,” ponders BL Dumbledore.

            BL Dumbledore floats to where the little lizard is and rubs the head of the Yoshi, as it still chews on the shriveled arm of BL Julie Artrip. The two of them stand together for another moment longer to take in their last bit of calm before they rejoin the rest of their team in the never ending storm.

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER III: METALLIC MASKED MAYHEM

 

            The blaring sound of a motor vehicle’s horn echoes throughout the streets of the metropolis located on the Playoff Planet.

            *BEEEEEEEE…..EEEEEE…..EEEEEE…..EEEE…..EPPPPP……PPPPPP*

            The horn continues its staccato clamor from the Highness' Ferrari.  A closer look evidences a tattered and broken body crumpled against the steering wheel of the automobile. The corpse is of "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan.  The wrestling legend’s headband and glistening, tanned muscles are long forgotten as the legend is dead behind the wheel.  A small groan emanates from behind the car as John McClane slowly rises to his feet.  He stumbles slightly as he attempts to gain his balance from the accident.

            "Maybe you should leave the vehicular homicide to your son," quips McClane as he dusts himself off.  A grimace reaches his face at the aches that shudder through his body.  Although out of breath, the “Die Hard” hero smiles to himself as he recalls being able to roll with the impact of the car running into him and surviving the incident.  He barely managed to skirt death and he knows it.

            He shakes the haziness from his head and locates his Attack Trak across the street.  As he begins to move toward the vehicle, his ears buzz with an unidentifiable snarl.  He is violently hit from behind causing his body to slam into the wreckage of the Ferrari he previously escaped from. Vampire Kang the Conqueror screams at the man who makes dying hard. McClane lies on the ground, nearly unconscious.  Kang grips the battered shirt of McClane and picks him up, smelling McClane’s blood as it courses through his veins.   As the undead attempts to feed on the human, he howls in fury since his efforts are thwarted by his full facemask.  This mistake makes Kang howl as this is a mistake that is unusual for the normally well-prepared conqueror.

            "Sorry friend, but you gotta buy me dinner before we start necking,” states McClane as he is roused from his weakened state.  “But I will give you a preview of how far I'm willing to go with you!"

            McClane knees Kang in the crotch and the villain crumples to the ground. McClane quickly stands up and manages to nail a sweet, roundhouse kick to Kang's face.  Kang ferociously strikes the ground. McClane instantly reacts and miraculously tears off Kang's mask.  Kang screams at the top of his undead lungs as the Playoff Planet’s sunlight finishes off the Conqueror in a heated explosion of ash.   

            "Yippee-ki-yay Motherf@%ker." utters McClane. 

            The former New York cop begins to walk away from the skirmish when he senses something amiss.  He suddenly turns around.  He hears a loud voice loudly emitting over the Ferrari’s radio.

            "-ool. You think that one such as Kang shall fall to the likes of a simple human police officer?!?!    Kang shall be the one to usher in your DOOMSDAY!"

            "Oh COME ON!" McClane responds.

            McClane hears a thunderous crash behind him and methodically turns around to see Cyber-Doomsday's body.  The machine, from previous experiences, now houses the consciousness of the actual Conqueror. As McClane anticipates and then braces for the worst, Cyber-Doomsday is tackled mid-charge by a blur.  The two beings crash through building after building, leaving a smattering of both bricks and mortar in their wake.

            "You may now be known as ‘Doomsday’ Kang, but I shall forever be known as ANNIHILUS!"

            The former ruler of the Negative Zone begins hammering the half cyborg body of his foe with his Cosmic Control Rod.  The voice of Kang begins to crackle and sputter as his robotic components are methodically decimated.

            "I...ill vae my.....ryptonian....half...”  the Cyber-Doomsday-Kang-the-Conqueror combo states as he begins to raise one of his massive fists.

            "Not anymore," replies Annihilus as he unleashes a massive blast of cosmic energy that finally puts the monster down.

            "Come, human" Annihilus says to McClane as he fires up his vehicle. "We still have much to do."

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER II: CHESS OF THE COSMOS

          Numerous beings are seen hovering in space.  They are gathered around an invisible table suspended in the starry wasteland.  The One-Above-All and Q Continuum are gathered around the long board.  Since both sides are omnipotent and omniscient, they are locked in an unending struggle.  The two sides second, third, and quadruple guess each other without actually making any moves due to their inherent character traits. 

             It is only logical that the Qs could simply blink and remove all of the Horsemen from the battlefield.  In that same vein, the One-Above-All could do the same.  Notwithstanding, the beings recognize that there would be no fun in either endeavor.  Thus, they mutually decide to settle in for a little game.  Knowing the rules of the game before it even commences, the two sides determine that their game of Chess will involve only one pawn, the High Evolutionary.  The game’s winner will be decided by who can render the being the most docile so that the High Evolutionary transforms into the “High Harmless One.”  Whatever entity is able to accomplish this task will render the other side impotent and will force them to walk away from the table and fade into nothingness.  

            The High Evolutionary is transported to the side of his comrade, the One-Above-All.   The true cosmic entity looks at his teammate.

            “Although you may be recognized as the pinnacle of human potential, you are still but a human in our eyes,” states the One-Above-All, in a matter of fact way.  “I thank you for your willingness to subject yourself for the betterment of the Horsemen.”

            The High Evolutionary grimaces.  “For the betterment of the Horsemen,” the former geneticist says through clenched teeth.  The playing piece floats to the top of the game table.

            The Qs gather into a circle and the cosmos swirl about them.  Their minds meld into a single idea and they make their decision on what to do.  The Qs look at the High Evolutionary and the entity transforms into a poodle.   The High Poodle yaps at the embarrassment of being morphed into a compliant canine.  The Evolutionary Dog begins to foam at the mouth.  He barks in dismay as he realizes that the One-Above-All gave him rabies.

            The Qs meld their minds together and in the blink of an eye, the High Evolutionary is transformed into a white mouse.  The tiny rodent scampers across the table and screeches at the indignity which has taken place thus far.  In response to a painful squeak, the One-Above-All looks at the High Evolutionary in its current form and infects the beast with the deadly Hantavirus.

            The Q's turn to the One-Above-All and, in unison, shrug.  It appears that the One-Above-All has bested the entire Q Continuum.  The Qs then hold their hands together and smile.  The One-Above-All cocks its head in anticipation of the Qs next move.  The Qs blink as one and the High Evolutionary becomes what is clearly the most impotent and harmless creature imaginable. 

            The shrieks of the High Evolutionary are heard as violent echoes throughout the Playoff Planet’s landscapes. 

            “NO! NOOOOOO!!!!  Not this! Anything, but this! I'd rather die!"  

            With an agonizing shout, the High Evolutionary stares at himself in the glare of a star which shines upon the immense, cosmic table.  He has become a “Murderfly.”  Absolutely refusing to exist as this character, even for the briefest of moments, he uses his cosmic powers to kill himself.  The High Evolutionary explodes into a million pieces of sound and energy. 

            The One-Above-All stares at where his companion once was besmirched as a toy amongst the cosmic gods.  The One-Above-All knew that the gamble of utilizing one of his own companions as a game piece may not pay off, especially while facing the powerful Qs.  

            Grins reach the faces of the entire Q Continuum, once again.  The One-Above-All quietly walks away from the table in defeat and fades into nothingness.

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER I: MYSTICISM IN THE MARSHLANDS

           

            The muted smell of decay permeates the air.  The undead scour the area and hear whimsical banter between two alleged combatants.  Black Lantern Yoda and Dracula trudge through the murky waters beneath their feet and peak from the mossy cypress trees camouflaging their whereabouts.  Their prey has been located as they focus on both Yoda and the Phantom Stranger.  The diminutive Jedi and paranormal warrior face each other as they play a heated game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors.”  Although unknown as to actually how Yoda is rendering his effects on the Stranger, the wizened creature uses his Jedi mind tricks to push the Phantom Stranger to repeatedly throw “Rock” which Yoda easily beats every time by throwing “Paper.” 

             “Our chance, this is” whisper BL Yoda to Dracula.

            “Yaaahhh.  I vant to kill dem!  Ah-ha-ha-ha,” responds Dracula.

            “The Count, you are?” asks BL Yoda.

            Dracula scoffs at the rebuke and focuses upon his enemy again.  The two Horsemen know they are at the Graveyard’s precipice as they each are down to their last death in the league.  Destroying the mighty Yoda and Phantom Stranger in the Universe Bowl would be a gloriously historic way to finish their lives and “go out.”  BL Yoda and Dracula rush the two Highness teammates and act quick enough to take the Phantom Stranger by surprise.  BL Yoda uses the Force to push and subsequently hold the Stranger to the  spongy ground. Dracula springs into action as his instincts arouse him to immediately focus on the Stranger’s neck.  Time passes in less than a blink of an eye as Dracula is upon the Stranger and he immediately begins to feast. 

            As the vampire king dines upon the blood spewing forth from the Stranger’s collar, BL Yoda barely has enough time to react and block a retaliatory lightsaber strike from Yoda.  The two incarnations of the Jedi Master are locked in a fantastic dual.  Each copy anticipates the moves from the other with excellent precision.  Trees and foliage bend and singe as the duo bounce, spin and wield their lightsabers.

            Dracula slowly raises his head above the newly deceased as he has finished his snack.  He immediately moves in to assist his teammate, but suddenly hesitates.  The two Yodas move so quickly that the aged vampire cannot tell which Yoda is his friend and which his foe.  He decides to wait for a better opportunity to make his decisive move.

            BL Yoda jumps back from the skirmish and throws a blackened ball of energy at the living Yoda.  Yoda quickly drops his lightsaber and twists in the air, showing his agility as he uses both hands to block the scorching energy being pushed at him.  As Yoda lands on the marshy floor, he stands firm as the energy pulsates between the two, rendering colors ranging from the entire spectrum.  The harder BL Yoda pushes, the harder living Yoda resists.  The strain becomes evident on the faces of the duo and they slowly slog toward one another.  The ball of energy between the two grows larger as the two come closer.  The two Yodas are only a few feet apart as the glowing aura becomes almost overwhelming.

            Dracula knows he needs to intervene, but the spurning light between the two now plays tricks on his eyes as he is still unsure of which Yoda is his brethren.  The undead prince strains to look for the ring on one of their hands, but the ball of energy prevents him from doing so.  A glimmer of a smile rises to his lips as he thinks of an idea that he knows only the living Yoda will respond to.

            “Looook!  It's George Washington!” Dracula yells.

            Dracula’s plan seems to work as he notices a slight reaction from one of the Yodas who desperately wants to look at his former leader.  Dracula immediately rushes at his enemy and sinks his sharpened fangs deep into Yoda’s neck.  The shock experienced by the living Yoda at Dracula’s attack breaks the resistance he has over the energy.  The amplitude of the explosion throws BL Yoda across the swamp, while consuming both Yoda as well as Dracula, who has made a selfless sacrifice in order to defeat his enemy.  Dracula has sent himself to the Graveyard to take down the powerful Yoda.  BL Yoda recovers and stares at the decimation caused by the blast.

            BL Yoda quietly mumbles, “Remembered, my comrade, you will be.  You will be. . .”

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: PROLOGUE

             A cacophony of wails erupts as the wind lashes through the harsh rain.  I trudge through the desolation of the once sprawling metropolis.  The remaining twisted metal and concrete spew from the earth in response to the violence which previously transpired between the behemoths of the Universe Bowl.  My dome is caked with the chalky grit of the dust. Due to the ebbing shadows which now surround me, I am only able to focus on the rubble beneath my feet. I almost trip over the body of a former teammate and then subsequently slip on the entrails which litter the space.  I drop to my knees in exhaustion and stare into nothingness.

            My name is Quentin Beck and you may recognize me as a villain associated with the Amazing Spiderman.  But as I have proven in the past with my escapades associated with Daredevil, I am more than just a secondary criminal. . . especially today.  I am Mysterio and I am the lone survivor of the Season Six Universe Bowl. 

Universe Bowl Prologue

Both the teams died of old age waiting for Bryatu to show up and watch their match. It was unfortunate but even super heroes can't defeat Father Time. See you all next week at the Season 7 Draft. HA!!

Consolation Round 3. Midgets vs Dope Fiends

The two teams ready themselves for battle inside a reststop somewhere in the Las Vegas city limits.

Unfortunately, that's all I can tell you, since whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve Vs. Shemalabama's Shit Kickers

Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve are John McCain and Jenna Jameson.

Shemalabama’s Shit-Kickers are The Rock (w/ a blue lightsaber)


WHAT A CRAZY COINCIDENCE!! John McCain, Jenna Jameson, and The Rock were all driving down the same interstate and all had to take an enormous crap all at the same time. They see a sign for a rest stop with a big closed sign over it; but they all have similar thoughts about how they don’t care if the damn toilets flush or not, they would just rather not crap their pants. Plus as we all know, one tends to not think straight when you got a wicked case of the poop sweats. They all blow the place up with hellacious dumps. Ya know the kind that makes you wonder when it was that you ate a piece of 4 inch PVC Pipe. The three all come out of the stalls refreshed when they all notice each other. Naturally after noticing that they are not alone in the abandoned rest area they come to the conclusion that they should probably all fight to the death. The Rock begins the smack talk with this brand new one: “Do you smell what The Rock is cooking”?? McCain says: “I’m pretty sure that is just the smell of Jenna’s blown-out, disgusting vagina. I can’t believe it is actually over-powering the smell of the triple threat monster turds we all just threw down. So; no, to answer your question. If you are cooking something right now I definitely can’t smell it over those two things”. Jameson then offers to bang both of the men before the battle starts; but McCain tells her that he “wouldn’t touch that crusty, dry-sperm covered slice with The Rock’s steroid shrunken member”. The Rock then reminds her that he is a pro-wrestler and that he has done a bunch of gross stuff, most of it involving a rest stop; but that he still wasn’t interested. Jenna then grabs The Rock’s lightsaber and starts to deep throat it because she thinks that they will think it is hot; but she accidentally turns it on and kills herself. McCain looks at The Rock and says: “Please tell me that that lightsaber was the only thing turned on by that display of grossness? What a Skank”. The Rock says: “You ain’t kidding. That chick was nasty as hell and that is coming from a guy who gets butt-rammed by Vince McMahon and his entire family on a regular basis. Hell, I even had sex with The Ultimate Warrior’s dad at a party once, and I still wouldn’t nail that broad”. The Rock continues: “Well, that was fun chatting, too bad I have to beat you to death now”. McCain responds: “Oh, the match. I almost forgot, I dropped a vial of the new government strain of Super-Duper Aids in your toilet before you dropped that bomb. You have about 45 more seconds to live. It is airborne; but I am safe because of the secret government antidote and Jenna wasn’t affected because her super-power is that STDs have no affect on her. So, say hello to Owen Hart and Miss Elizabeth for me… Peace”. The Rock then falls over dead as McCain mutters to himself: “If only presidential elections were as easy as nonsensical, piece of crap consolation matches… I’d be rockin it F.D.R. style by now.

Team Sleeping Pussy Vs. George Washington's Slaves

Team Sleeping Pussy is Francis “Franco” Begbie (w/ throwing knives)

George Washington’s Slaves are Sheriff Andy Taylor, Deputy Barney Fife, and Maggie Simpson.


Title: “When Mayberry’s S**t Got Real”

Opie is missing…

So are several other children… Marge Simpson won’t stop calling the office, looking for her baby daughter Maggie. Andy and his good buddy Barn have looked everywhere in Mayberry. Everywhere except the abandoned rest stop on the outskirts of town. Years ago they used to stop in there on occasion to arrest some homos for breaking some archaic sodomy laws just for s**ts and gigs and to keep those hell-bound bastards away from the kids; but now they fear that this area has become overrun with something much worse than the occasional confused dude looking for some fun with the ol’ anus… “They think summ yankee’s been in thar sellin horse and taintin the minds of the youth of their fair town”.

“C’mon Andy, hurry up. Aren’t ya worried about poor Opie? I’d hate to think he is actually somewhere in this horrible place”. Says Barney to his boss and bestfriend. Andy retorts: “Of course I am Barn, but we still have to do this right. We have a job to do to protect all of Mayberry; so we need to not only find Opie and little Maggie; but find out if something is amiss in this horrible place”. At that moment Andy gets hit in the eye with a throwing knife, and he falls dead. Barney ducks out of the way of another knife and hides in an old stall filled with human excrement and doubly used toilet paper and condoms. Barney loads his one bullet into his six shooter and jumps into action. He leaps out of the stall and has another knife whiz by his face as he pulls the trigger but just barely hits Franco in the arm. Fife walks into an old vending area and is shocked at what he sees. He sees the bodies of several dead young men and women, and on top of the heap is his deceased partner’s son Opie. Strung out on horse and overdosed. Fife thinks that he is happy that Andy isn’t here to see this. Next to him is the dead body of Maggie Simpson, it appears that Franco may have been trying to use the baby’s body to smuggle heroin but he killed her in the process… “Now this sick bastard is really going to pay”. The deputy mutters under his breath right as the sociopathic dealer rushes at him with a rusty old steel pipe. Barney sees the madman out of the corner of his eye and the deputy is a bit quicker than Begbie was giving him credit for. Barney moves out of the way and then trips Begbie sending him falling to the ground. Begbie drops the steel pipe and Fife quickly picks it up and whacks him over the head with it…

Thirty minutes later…

Begbie wakes up to find that he is handcuffed to an old bathroom stall. His vision is blurred; but he sees the deputy standing over him. Fife says: “Ya know ya piece of filth, my buddy Andy was the best man I ever knew. I bet even after he found his own son in this place, not to mention all those other kids he would of still handcuffed and brought you in to stand trial for your crimes. He would have wanted justice to prevail. He was the best friend a man could ever have, and his son Opie, well he was the closest thing I ever had to a son. But I think it was that Simpson Baby that put me over the top. Cause ya see, now that I’m here; you ain’t the craziest guy in the room anymore. You are about to face the only kind of justice you deserve”. Begbie acts tough at first, but Fife promises him he will cry before it is all over, and the deputy is right. Fife uses nothing but one of Franco’s own throwing knives, a rock, and the butt end of his six shooter to have his fun; but when he is done he knows that nobody in Mayberry is ever going to find the strewn body parts of Franco throughout the old rest stop. Not that anybody will even look. As the blood covered Fife gets ready to leave he goes into the back room and kicks over some cans of gasoline and kerosene before dropping a lit book of matches and sending this place to the rest of hell. Burning his dirty little secret with it.

TEAM Vs. Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse

The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse is: Coby Jones, Zack Ryder

TEAM is: Angus Macgyver (with Red Lightsaber)

Setting One: O’Hare International Airport (en route to the I-275 rest stop)

After once again being overlooked at another PPV Zack Ryder boards the “Air Seney” charter en route to Metro Airport in Detroit to catch the Grindhouse consolation match taking place at the I-275 rest stop in Canton, MI.

“Hey Zack you’re late, we’re about ready to take off” said an anxiously waiting Cody Jones of the Grindhouse.

Ryder: WOOO WOOOO WOOO YOU KNOW IT! (for no particular reason)

Jones: Underutilized again I see at the Payback PPV

Ryder: WOOO WOOOO WOOO YOU KNOW IT!

Jones: Wow it’s amazing the WWE has nothing for you. There’s just so much to your character has to offer… (as the two board the plane)

But before the Air Seney attendants could close the doors to the plane, Macguyver comes running through the gate yelling for the plane to stop.

Macguyver: Hey guys, can I get a lift to the next match? The TEAM plane broke down and I don’t want to be LATE.

Jones: The TEAM plane broke down and YOU can’t fix it? It must really be broken…

Macgyver: Whatever, I just don’t want to be LATE. Especially after all the shit some teams have gotten this past season… So can I get a lift?

Jones: Sure why not? May as well show some solidarity before we beat your ass at the rest stop!

Macgyver then enters the plane, the doors are shut behind them and the plane departs for Detroit.

20 minutes into the flight, everything seems to be going smooth until the captain makes an announcement…

Captain: Ladies and gentlemen, please brace yourself for impact as we have run out of fuel are will have to make an emergency crash landing into Lake Michigan…

Apparently the Air Seney fuel trucks were LATE in getting the plane fuel prior to take off… In fact they were so LATE the plane departed with a fuel supply that despite the short trip would’ve never of made it to Detroit.

Regardless too of this match being late… the guest watcher here usually wouldn’t care but his team was screwed over earlier on in the season from a rule that wasn’t yet put into effect.

Meanwhile back on the doomed plane…

Jones: Who the hell is that talking?! We’re going down!!!

Ryder: WOOO WOOOO WOOO YOU KNOW IT!

Macgyver though, looking cool, calm and collected gets up from his seat, grabs a life raft, a blanket, Zack Ryder’s douchey bandana and quickly constructs a parachute. Macgyver then takes out his red lightsaber, cuts a hole into the side of the passengers cabin and yells out “I’ll see you in hell bitches!” as he jumps from the plane and floats safely back to earth.

However, the plane carrying Ryder and Jones plummets into Lake Michigan killing everyone on board.

Damn… if only that fuel made it on time…

Macgyver survives, Ryder and Jones both dead.

TEAM IS VICTORIOUS!!!

Season Six Consolation Match Round 3: Taylor Swift and President Barack Obama’s Red Army vs Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies

Taylor Swift and President Barack Obama’s Red Army is The Shake it Up crew: Cecelia "CeCe" Jones, Raquel "Rocky" Oprah Blue, Tinka Hessenheffer, Flynn Jones, Ty Blue, Deuce Martinez, and Gunther Hessenheffer.

Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies are Quintus Lentulus Batiatus and Rolf the Dog.

“Jupiter’s cock!” shouts Quintus Lentulus Batiatus as he storms around the abandoned highway pit stop. “Why in bloody f#%k am I forced to partake in such a crude lowly Consolation Match in the filthy outhouse?!”

The Muppet dog, Rolf, stops licking his balls for a brief moment to answer his teammate, “Oh stop complaining Quintus, just take your aggression out on those teenagers over there.”

Batiatus pulls a knife out from within his toga and savagely eviscerates Flynn, Ty, Deuce, and Gunther before any of those douchebags could react. Tinka lets out a blood-curdling scream at the sight of this horrific act of brutality. The three girls then all tackle Batiatus into the men’s bathroom. Rocky Blue swiftly kicks him in the stomach as CeCe and Tinka drag Quintus into a stall by his toga. The three Shake It Up girls then proceed to drown the Dominus in the dirty, un-flushed toilet.

“Well that was eas…..” Rocky begins to say to her friends, but she is cut off by Rolf leaping on top of her immediately sticking his nose right in the crotch of her tap pants.

The other two girls are frozen in shock, hoping that the dog would just go away. No such luck. He kept nosing around and licking, and they realized to themselves that it was looking like Rocky thought his tongue was feeling really good. But this was something that a nice girl wouldn't do, so Rocky reached around to push his head away. Just before she reached Rolf, he got his nose inside her tap pants, and his tongue went straight inside her.

They froze again, but this time not in shock, but in voyeuristic pleasure. They didn't want to do a single thing that might scare him into stopping tongue bathing of Rocky’s crotch. She squealed with delight.

“OMG CeCe, are you seeing this?” a surprised Tinka says to her friend.

“Uhhhhh…… I don’t even know what to say,” she replies.

Then their teammate and friend did something that even shocked them. She rolled over on her back and ripped off her panties and practically shoved her moist crotch in Rolf’s face. Rocky let out an orgasmic scream that echoed through the rest stop.

Rolf then began humping Rocky. His heat rod was bright pink, and pointed, and poking her right in the stomach. They watched his movements for a minute, fascinated, watching his dick move back and forth, and then realized what he was doing.

"Rolf! She’s a GIRL! You want a girl dog!! Go away!" the two of them yelled.

The Muppet then turned his attention to CeCe. He leapt up and knocked her to the ground and immediately mounted her, grabbing her hips with his forepaws, pulling CeCe back towards him. He stayed on top of her for a while, licking her back and then jumped off to go after Tinka. Rolf didn't take long before he was on her back, pumping away. One thing Tinka had not counted upon was that the angle between them was different than usual, and his love gun was pointed right at her apple bottom. She could feel the point stabbing around the 'rosebud of her anus', and before she could squirm away…BOOM he slipped right inside.

Tinka was experiencing something that was really hard to describe. It's kind of like the relief of taking a good dump over and over again. But just as the Muppet finishes all up in Tinka, Rocky recovered from her orgasmic coma and kicked Rolf as hard as she could in the back of the head and then pushed a vending machine over crushing him.

"Hasta la Beasta," she quips as her two friends are lying on the ground covered in goo, both with strange smiles on their faces.

King of Consolation 2013! Griswold's Nut-Buster's Vs. Real Man's Rabblerousers

Griswold's Nut-Busters are: Dexter Morgan

Real Man's Rabblerousers are: Veronica Mars and Weevil.

Veronica Mars has tracked the whereabouts of her missing friend Weevil to an abandoned rest stop just outside of Gotham City. She looks around for a moment, and thinks for a second. "Hmmm... Lack of detail in the settings, teams split up, and a begining that almost guarantees that rules are about to be broken soon... Yup, this is a NuFaGtu match if I've ever seen it." she comments to herself. She opens the door to the rest stop and her suspicions are confirmed. Rabblerouser's owner Real Man and I are arguing in front of a vending machine. "REAL MAN IS HUNGRY!!!" shouts Real Man. "Really Eric? Again? Doesn't Real Mom ever feed you? And how come I always have to babysit you when I watch the Rabblerousers? I'm going to have to talk to Josh about next year's schedule..." I say. "REAL MOM SAYS THAT REAL MAN NEEDS TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE MORE!!! REAL BITCH TRUSTS REAL @SSHOLE'S WATCHING ABILITY!!!" explains Real Man. "I guess that next time I'll have to remind Real Mom that I'm supposed to be watching the matches, not her misbegotten spawn." I lament. "REAL MAN IS STILL HUNGRY!!!" repeats Real Man. "I heard you the first time Eric, but this rest stop has been closed for years. Do you really want an old tuna salad sandwich from an unrefridgerated vending machine? It's definitely spoiled and might give you... Y'know what, Real Man? You're right. I doubt that there's anything to worry about." I say as I smash the glass of the vending machine and grab the sandwich. "NuFaGtu IS A CRIMINAL! POLICE!!! HELP!!! MOOOOM!" yells Real Man. "Sit down and eat your damn lunch, Eric. Our semi-entertaining bit doesn't really have much to do with the story, and I'd like to get it going now." I say. Real Man eats the rancid sandwich as Veronica Mars waits impatiently. "Soooo... It's fun watching you two idiots fumble with the plot and all, but I have places to be this decade. Can we start now? Is Dexter even going to show up?" Veronica asks sarcastically. "Seeing as how you just broke the fourth wall, I'm sure you're clever enough to figure out where Dexter is right now. Frankly, I'm surprised that you haven't already left due to Real Man's creepy leering." I tell her. (Eric, put your eyes down and eat, or so help me...) "C'mon, Veronica, of all the rest stops in the world, we end up in Gotham? You'll get it, you're a smart kid. Hey, Real Man, any last words of encouragement for your player?" I ask. "DESTROY THEM ALL!!! SO SAYS REAL MAN!!!"

Veronica shakes her head and checks the ladies restroom, but there is nothing of note that she can see. She begins to head to the men's room, but naturally hesitates. She glances at Real Man and me before walking in confidently. "I have more of a right to be in here than either of those eunichs." she jokes. "REAL MAN IS NOT... FEELING... WELL..." says Eric as he doubles over due to the parasites that now reside in his stomach. I might normally have some kind of retort to her, but I'm far too busy laughing at Real Man's pain. She checks for any kind of clue in the men's room, and finds missing tiles from a wall inside a stall. She finds that the cinder blocks can be removed, and the hole leads to a tunnel. Veronica enters, and the tunnel strangely leads to a janitor's closet. As she opens the door, she is astonished to find herself in Arkham Asylum, one of the stops in the 2012 Consolation Round. It is as abandoned as the rest stop. "Maybe they're fumigating or something" reasons Veronica Mars. "OK, focus... Now where would a freak like Dexter take Weevil? He must have been drawn to the cell of one of these psychopaths. The "Dark Passenger" may have guided him to Two-Face... Or maybe Black Mask. It would be naive to think that Black Mask wouldn't have smuggled in some of his trademark bladed tools." she ponders. The answer is almost upon her, but it is a second too late. "Huuuuusssshhhh..." says a sinister voice as she feels a sting in her leg. She has just enough time to see a needle sticking out of her thigh before she passes out.

Veronica Mars awakens, and is stuck to a table in the Arkham infirmary by shrink wrap. She looks to her left, and sees Weevil trapped as well, although a knife still stuck in his heart reveals his fate, "I'm too late..." she weeps to herself. "I'm sorry, my dear, but you were too late from day one with that particular fellow. But I fixed that mistake myself." says Dexter. Veronica looks to her right, and is shocked to see Dexter Morgan also restrained to a table. "It's a shame to see a bright girl like you with a criminal like that. However, we'll have to address that later, as for now it appears we have a common enemy." explains Dexter. "Enemy?!? Dexter... I'm hurt... really... If I was your enemy, I wouldn't be trying to help you both!!" says XAS Mike as he enters the room. "Luckily, NuFaGtu was stupid enough to come back to Arkham. The evil and madness that flows through this place was a perfect focal point to finally become a force on the physical plane. And I can't very well teach anybody anything when I'm just a voice in someone's head, now can I?" says XAS. "Too bad Dexter killed Weevil AND STARTED THE MATCH WITHOUT ME!!! ... Ahem... You'll have to excuse me... I'm a little sensitive when it comes to the Consolation Rounds. Now let's see what we have here..." says XAS as he looks Dexter over. "Yes... I like it... Good play by your owner. You got style kid, I'll give you that. Maybe get a few more legit powerhouses on that squad and we'll talk." rambles XAS to Dexter insanely. "As for you..." XAS continues as he looks at Veronica Mars, "I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed. I've noticed the new you. I didn't think that you could be so easily broken!" says XAS with a grin. "The one time scourge of the message board reduced to a lap dog! Ha!" laughs XAS MIke. "Wow, tough call... Frankly, I'm begining to think that I should just kill you both and keep the crown until next time! Hmmmm... Yup! Sounds like a plan! Better luck next year, kids!" shouts XAS as he raises a knife to Dexter's throat.

"WHOA!!! Dude? What the f*ck are you doing?!?" I ask. "You... You're NuFaGtu, right? Yes I remember seeing you... You're the appeasing bumbler, always talking about league unity, eventhough you're the most expendable of them all!!! It's kind of sad, really... why would you hold such loyalty to those that would so quickly abandon you?" questions XAS with a smirk. "Maybe once, when I was a jerk like you. But not anymore..." I counter. "How precious... It doesn't matter anyways, I've waited for this opportunity. After I kill you and steal your Watcher abilities, I am the one that will truly bring unity to The FFL! And I'll do that by destroying every team brought before me!!! Soon, The FFL will be reduced to cinders! Finally, we'll all be the same... The FFL will be unified in death!!!" states XAS maniacally. "No, this isn't happening... You're NOT real... It was Professor X messing with my head..." I explain to myself. "Maybe once, but it looks like he didn't know how screwed up you really are. He was just the spark, but believe me friend, I've ALWAYS been here! HAHAHA!!!" says XAS. "No.. I'll find a way to stop you..." I declare, although I am weakened and kneel on one knee shakily. "Awww... loyal to the end. What a guy. You shouldn't be so melodramatic, NuFaGtu. I'll be twice the Watcher that you ever were! XASatu... I like the sound of that!!! Now, say goodnight 'FaGs!!!" yells XAS as he goes for the killing blow with his knife. XAS is disarmed mid-slice by a pretty sweet looking knife defense by Josh the Commish, who appears from nowhere. "He may not be our best, but we still need him. At least until he's dead or we find someone better." says Josh. Krisatu also appears and restrains XAS in an Anacoda Vice choke hold. "Seriously dude? I let you have the King of the Consolation, and this lunatic almost takes over? If you needed help, you should have said something sooner. If it's all the same to you, I'll handle it next time, we all had our fill of this @sshole last year." says Krisatu. "NOOOOO!!!!!! YOU NEED ME!!!! THE FFL NEEDS ME!!!!" rants the insane XAS. "Yeah, we'll take our chances." says the Commish as XAS is bannished to FFL jail. "And as for you, NuFaGtu, get up, finish this piece of sh*t, then report to my office for Watcher reeducation." orders Josh. "Yeah man, don't blow it." adds Krisatu as the two leave as quickly as they arrived. "Um... Yeah... Thanks...I sure hope that reeducation means pizza party. Oh Sh*t!!! Sorry guys, I almost forgot about you! Sorry about all the bad stuff XAS did to you both.... er... we're good right? Yeah... we're good... Oh sh*t!!! I forgot about Eric too!!! Man, he was in bad shape when I left him, let's all hope for the best! Anywho, I sure you two can figure it out from here... Eric!!! Eric?" I shout as I also leave.

A still trapped Veronica finally speaks. "So, what do we do now?" she asks Dexter. "I truly am sorry, but I'm afraid that this is where I kill you." explains Dexter coldly. He is free from the table, and is holding the razor that liberated him. "Oh, don't look so shocked, of course I would be prepared for my own M.O. Thankfully all that nonsense from earlier gave me enough of a distraction to get out undetected" says Dexter. Veronica tries to recall everything she can about Dexter, searching for anything that could save her. "You know you can't kill me, I'm innocent, Dexter. That's against the code." she states. "Nice try, but as I said earlier, your association with Weevil kind of negates that arguement, don't you think?" replies Dexter, eyeing the blade. "Maybe your right Dexter, but the fact remains. You're about to break the only rule that matters: DON'T GET CAUGHT. Can't you hear the sirens? Did you think that I wouldn't call the cops before I got here? I knew who I was dealing with. It's over, Dex." taunts Veronica. As Dexter hears the sirens, he realises that she is right. He broke the Code of Harry, and it happened on Fathers Day. "I've failed you... I'm sorry..." weeps Dexter Morgan, who plunges a syringe full of animal tranquillizer straight into his heart. He drops dead, and Veronica is left alone, still trapped on the table. "Yaaaaay... I woooon... Too bad I'm still stuck here. I hope that idiot NuFaGtu didn't forget about me down here...." says Veronica as she looks to the door for an immenent rescue. "Yup... Any minute now..."

Real Man and I are walking along the interstate, getting as much room betwwen us and the rest station as possible. We're making ok time, although he is stopping every minute or so to puke on the roadside. "This is your own fault Eric! I can't believe that you actually called the cops on me for breaking that the vending machine! And I only did it to feed you! Man, that's weak, dude." I say. "But I gotta give you credit Real Man, you did it. And if you play your cards right, you'll be a REAL contender guaranteed! (This guarantee is not a guarantee.) So champ, any words for your fans?" I ask. "REAL MAN IS HUUURRRGGGHHHH..." vomits Real Man, getting the majority of the puke on his own shoes. "For once, I couldn't have said it better myself..."

S6 Consolation Round 3 – Kitties vs Empire

For this match I did a little something different.  I (Fizzatu) relied on the help of fellow watchers Nickatu and Goofatu.  We used a fun literary game we like to call “Fortunately/Unfortunately”.  The rules are simple. Each watcher had to add one line to the story but the only requirement was that we had to alternate the starting word of each of our entries between “Fortunately” and “Unfortunately”.  Hope you all enjoy reading it as much as we did writing it.   Now on to the match:

The Empire are: Watchdog #3 and 4

Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family: Scott Pilgrim (w/ Devil Lance), Carrie Bradshaw, and Treasure Troll #17

The Kitties Team approaches the abandoned rest stop where they are to do battle today.

(Fizz) Fortunately, The light in the woman's bathroom still works because Carrie Bradshaw needs to take a shit.

(Nick) Unfortunately, Carrie discovered there wasn`t any toilet paper immediately after she delivered a wet loaf to the grimy black and brown speckled bowl she was hovering over.

(Goof) Fortunately, this didn't bother Carrie because she's pretty sure it was a no-wipe delivery.  So she dug some hand sanitizer from her D&G clutch and began rubbing it into her leathery hands. 

(Fizz) Unfortunately, as she was buying a decade old vending machine tampon to stem the light flow from her abused anus, the lights went out and she heard Scott Pilgrim scream. 

(Nick) Fortunately, Carrie remembered that she had an LED compact in her D&G and pulled it out to light up the darkness that the supposedly cool slacker had caused.

(Goof) Unfortunately, reflected in the compact was a horrible monster. 

(Fizz) Fortunately, the monster she saw in the mirror was merely a reflection of her own gaunt, haggard visage. 

(Nick) Unfortunately, the sight of her own reflection was still frightening enough to make her drop and therefore break the only light source she had.

(Goof) Fortunately, being plunged into sudden darkness hid Carrie from the watchdogs who went running past only moments later. 

(Fizz) Unfortunately for the Treasure Troll, he too went undetected in the darkness and was crushed by one of the Watchdogs as they ran out of the restroom and into the common area of the rest stop. 

(Nick) Fortunately for the Kitties, The Watchdogs did not notice they crushed the troll and kept on moving right along, definitely not doing anything that might usually take place at a rest stop during a consolation match.

(Goof) Unfortunately because they were in such a hurry, they did not notice Carrie sneaking out of the bathroom. 

(Fizz) Fortunately for the Watchdogs, the moon provided just enough light for them to see Scott Pilgrim standing before them, gripping his devil lance, poised to strike. 

(Nick) Unfortunately for the Kitties, Carrie gave away her hidden location after mistaking the two Watchdogs for Steve and Miranda, therefore leaving herself and Scott wide open to the Watchdogs.

(Goof) Fortunately for Carrie and Scott, the watch dogs didn't discuss which person to go after and they collided with each other while each rushing in the opposite direction;  Landing In a confused heap on the ground. 

(Fizz) Unfortunately for Watchdog #3, he looked up just in time to see Scott Pilgrim and Carrie Bradshaw tipping a Pepsi vending machine over on top of him. 

(Nick) Fortunately for Watchdog #3, Pepsi was his drink of choice as he welcomed the coming death knowing that his beloved would be the cause of his demise.

(Goof) Unfortunately Carrie’s fear of empty calories drove her into a crazed screaming fit, distracting her from the remaining Watchdog who moved into position to strike. 

(Fizz) Fortunately for the Kitties, as Carrie ran in circles around the Watchdog, it caused him to become dizzy and he began to stagger. 

(Nick) Unfortunately for Carrie, all that running around caused her to break the right heel of her Jungle Red Manolo Blahnik`s, sending her crashing to the ground in a Tsunami of emotions.

(Goof) Unfortunately, the remaining watchdog could not take advantage of the greedy woman's collapse because Scott Pilgrim chose that moment to launch into an attack.

(Fizz) Fortunately for Scott, commons are expendable in the FFL and he thrusted his devil lance deep into the remaining Watchdog's torso. 

(Nick) Unfortunately for Scott, as soon as he finished off the Watchdog and said something douchy to him, he began to get the hard sell from Carrie as she is very much attracted to giant DB's.

(Goof) Fortunately for the watcher he can wrap this thing up. 

(Fizz) Unfortunately for the reader, this love story is just beginning…

(Nick) Unfortunately for Scott, Carrie would not quit with her advances and soon enough the two of them were in a committed relationship, albeit one where the affection was overwhelmingly one sided.

(Goof) Fortunately for Scott, Carrie was still legally married to Mr. Big so in true Scott Pilgrim form he knew he would have to fight and hopefully die before becoming trapped in this one sided relationship. 

(Fizz) Unfortunately for Scott, Carrie has years of training in manipulating men. 

(Nick) Fortunately for Scott, growing up his favorite film was "The Black Stallion" so even though he couldn't stomach her as a lover, he could at least love her as a faithful companion.

(Goof) Unfortunately Carrie was suddenly stricken with a case of equine encephalomyelitis. 

(Fizz) Fortunately, Scott was the heir to the largest sugar cube company in all of Canada so he was able to provide his beloved with all the nourishment she required. 

 (Nick) Unfortunately, Ramona found out about Carrie and was now starting her own battle for the heart of the Sugar Cube Heir.

(Goof) Fortunately... And ironically... Carrie had a sizable investment in a glue factory and had a glue moat poured around the battlefield. Keeping Ramona at bay.

(Fizz) Unfortunately for the new love birds, Ramona also had the help of the wealthy Mr. Big who flew the two over the moat in his corporate helicopter. 

(Nick) Fortunately for Scott, as soon as Carrie saw Mr. Big with Ramona she snapped out of her infatuation and began to run back to her silver fox.

(Goof) Unfortunately for Carrie, Ramona doesn't take kindly to someone moving in on her man and she flattens Carrie mid-stride with her giant cartoon hammer. 

(Fizz) Fortunately for Carrie's honor, Mr. Big felt it necessary to avenge the death of his wife by picking up Scott and casting him down into glue moat below, sending Ramona into a rage again. 

(Nick) Unfortunately for Ramona, she let her rage get the best of her as Mr. Big easily moved out of the way of her charge and she ran directly into the glue filled moat.

Fortunately for you readers, Goof has grown tiresome of this madness and refuses to continue.

Unfortunately, this can easily continue in the comments below.