THE HORSEMEN OF APOKOLIPS VS. THE UNTOUCHABLES

I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 1 Match: The Horsemen of Apokolips vs. The Untouchables.

Before the match, I shall enter the Hockeytown Café, now known as the locker room for the Untouchables. The Untouchables are Onslaught, Grifter and Ewok #76.

Ewok #76: Oomeebee! Choocheeah! Bogaymay! [TRANSLATION: The last time I met up with the Skywalker dude he was on a spit ready to be roasted! I shall finish what my brothers and sisters couldn’t!]

Onslaught: You may try little one, but if you fail. . . the Jedi is mine!

Grifter [pulls out various weapons]: Let’s get some!

I then enter the Fox Theater, now known as the locker room for The Horsemen of Apokolips. The Horsemen are Luke Skywalker - Grand Jedi Master, Cloud Strife and Charlton Heston.

Skywalker: Onslaught is the major threat. All three of us should focus our effort on him first and then continue our battle against the other two.

Strife: Your saber; my blade: no problem.

Heston: You may have your blades, youngsters, but the NRA gives the right to wield these little babies. [Takes out AK47 and .44 magnum].

I teleport the teams to the Fillmore. There the battle commences. . . . on the dance floor.

An enraged Ewok #76 rushes toward the Horsemen. Skywalker slowly walks to the little creature, point-man to his team.

Skywalker: Little one, I don’t wish to hurt you. Please stand aside while I challenge your leader.

Ewok #76: GOJEEBEE!!!! HOATOAH! [TRANSLATION: You pompous @$&! No one leads Ewok #76!!!]

Ewok #76 then pulls out a long knife from his pouch and manages to stab an unsuspecting Skywalker in the shoulder. Skywalker instantly reacts and force pushes the Ewok across the dance floor. The Ewok crashes into the bar. Before the Ewok can gain his senses Charlton Heston uses his guns to destroy all the liquor bottles that are on the shelves, dousing the Ewok in liquor.

Heston: Goodbye you damn dirty ape! I mean teddy bear! [Heston fires and ignites the liquor around the Ewok which causes the creature to catch fire. It screams and runs around the room, mortally wounded].

Grifter: You may be an NRA member Heston, but you’re no match for my marksmanship!

Grifter uses his psi force and manages to knock Heston off his feet. Just as Heston gets up, his body is riddled with bullets. Heston’s arms and legs are shredded due to the marksmanship expertise of Grifter. Heston lies in his own pool of blood and looks up at Grifter who is now standing above him.

Heston: Although you have killed me. . . I must tell you a secret. Come closer. [Grifter comes closer and puts his ear to Heston’s mouth]. Soylent Green is. . . people.

Grifter: Where the hell did that come from? [Grifter then notices out of the corner of his eye the blade of Strife which lops off his head].

Strife: Thanks for giving the dying man an ear. . .

Strife then turns toward Onslaught and crouches into a battle stance. Skywalker flips next to his teammate. Onslaught, although alone, knows that he can face these two men. Both Strife and Skywalker come together and manage to keep Onslaught off balance. Onslaught’s psi armor manages to take the brunt of the battle, but the Jedi and Final Fantasy protagonist are determined to finish off this super-villain of The Untouchables.

Onslaught manages to use his powers and warps the reality around the combatants. He creates the illusion that Strife is Onslaught. Skywalker, using his force senses, is not fooled. Nonetheless, Strife is fooled when Onslaught uses the same illusion on him. Strife begins to attack Skywalker (seen as Onslaught) as the real Onslaught astral projects himself away from the fighting Horsemen. Skywalker tries to reason with Strife who is slashing and hacking air as the Jedi manages to escape the continued blows. Onslaught walks up behind Strife, busy with Skywalker, and crushes his skull. Strife falls in a crumpled mass.

Skywalker: No!

The Jedi has a flashback of his mentor Kenobi being struck down by his father and begins an attack that a Jedi (on the precipice of the dark side) can only wield. Onslaught barely manages to either block or escape Skywalker’s blows.

Onslaught: Enough!!!!!

Onslaught begins to manipulate the magnetic fields of the Fillmore’s structure and surrounds the Jedi with the loose (and large) metallic objects of the Detroit theater. The Jedi is encased, but then begins to use his force powers to escape. When Skywalker is inching out Onslaught uses a mental bolt projection to knock the Jedi out cold. Spittle escapes from the Jedi’s lips, unconscious and near death, but nothing that a Jedi trance cannot help. The Jedi will fight another day!

Onslaught [looks upon the carnage left]: Valiantly fought by your team Jedi. I look forward to meeting you again. . . [and walks out of the Fillmore and over to Cheli’s Chili to celebrate THE UNTOUCHABLES VICTORY!!!!!!