Better Than All of You vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 6 Match: Better Than All of You vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve.

I look into the locker room and see a ton of people. Amongst the crowd for Better Than All of You is: Thanos, Green Lantern, Mephisto, Agent Smith, Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, The Terminator (from T-1), The Terminator (from T-2), Skeletor, Rambo, Ghost Rider (Danny Ketch), The 4 Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard, Lex Luthor, Beachhead, The Twins: Tomax and Xamot, Gandalf the White, Grey Hulk, Abomination, Flash, Black Suit Spiderman, Batman (Jean Paul Valley), Batman Beyond, Yogurt, Lonestar and Barf, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Nick Fury, Baron Zemo, Ghost Rider (Jonny Blaze), Deathlok, Red Skull, Tombstone, Wolfsbane, Terry Funk, Reptile, Bishop, Sagat, David Dunn, Smoke, Mr. Mind, Gwar: Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmack da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner, & Sleazy P. Martini, Loki & Bartleby, Triple H, Jedi Guardians #1 and 2, Cobra Commander, RVD & Sabu, The Hart Foundation: Brett "The Hitman" Hart and Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, The British Bulldogs: Davey Boy Smith & The Dynamite Kid, The Blues Bros., Doc Holiday, Hulk Hogan, Macho Man Randy Savage, Megadeth, Dozer #6, Orcs #1-12, Ninja Pirates #3 and 4, Predators #1, and 3-13, Terminators #1-13, Army Soldiers #1-8, & N.S.-5s #1-12.

Lex Luthor: It is time that we show the Kennelz that they are but meager dogs!

Red Skull: Dogs that are not worthy of licking our boots! We are the superior race!

Cobra Commander (high pitched): Yessssss!

I then look into the locker room at Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve. The Kennelz are Ares, Mace Windu with Jedi Padawan #30, Galactus and Nova, Apollo, Hercules, Anakin Skywalker in an F-18, Ahsoka Tano, Green Lanterns #1-2 and 4-5, Jade, The Inhumans: Black Bolt, Medusa, Gorgon, Triton, Karnak, Crystal, and Lockjaw, Dark Jedi Masters #31-39, The Pound: Michael Vick, Brandon Inge, Jack Bauer on a Ducatti, Curtis Manning, Justin "The Golden Boy" Oblak and Dexter the Dog (part pit-bull), Gimli son of Gloin, Scorpnonok with Lord Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Borath, (Beast Wars) Megatron, Lord Voldemort, Barbarossa, Ajax, Hrmm, Twisted Mentat #1, Annihilus, Dr. Doomsday, The Matrix Twins, Peter Petrelli, Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES, Young Jedi Knights #1-10, Quills, Big Barda, Fin Fang Foom, The Predacons: Rampage, Headstrong, Divebomb, Tantrum, & Razorclaw, Sky Lynx, Nazgul #2 w/ Fell Beast, Blue Dragons #1-12, and Samurai #1-12.

Mace Windu: This will not be an easy battle - but it is a battle that we can win!

Jack Bauer: Our only objective is to win! Nothing else! Remember, the ends justify the means!

I teleport the teams to the battlefield.

Due to the sheer numbers of combatants, the Better Than Team decides to separate into battalions. The Kennelz, seeing the Better Than Team forming battalions, decides to form squads in response. They face off as follows:

Squad 1 against Battalion 3:
Squad 1:
Mace Windu leads Jedi Padawan #30, Young Jedi Knights #1-10, Ahsoka Tano, Jade, Samurai #1-12, Gimli son of Gloin, and Anakin Skywalker overhead in an F-18.
Battalion 3:
Nick Fury leads Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, Army Soldiers #1-8, Rambo, The British Bulldogs: Davey Boy Smith and The Dynamite Kid, Lonestar and Barf, Ninja Pirates #3-4, N.S.5’s #1-12, Batman (Jean Paul Valley) and Beachhead.

Nick Fury and Mace Windu lead their teammates into battle. Anakin Skywalker flies his F-18 over the combatants. He lays down a sheet of fire with his plane’s Gatling gun. The bullets kill Army Soldiers #3-7. Ninja Pirates #3 and 4 finishes the job by severing the various appendages of Army Soldiers #1-2 and #8. The Ninja Pirates then rush at the Samurai #1-12, feeling confident that their skills will equally match their opponents. The battle is furious. Although Ninja Pirates #3 and #4 slice and dice through Samurai #1-4, remaining Samurai #5-12 kill Ninja Pirates #3 and 4. The N.S.5’s step into the fray. They combine their robotic forces to kill Samurai #5-7. Samurai #8-12 destroy N.S.5’s #3-6. The remaining robots finish off Samurai #8-12. Gimli of Gloin steps in and with his battle axe destroys N.S.5’s #1-2. Young Jedi Knights #1-10 wield their light sabers and slice through the remaining N.S.5’s #7-12. With advanced military weaponry and enhanced combat skills, Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow and Rambo manage to kill all Young Jedi Knights #1-10. The British Bulldogs see Gimli. The wrestlers utilize their aristocratic prowess to “dwarf toss” Gimli into the blades of Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. Gimli is sliced into three small pieces. Jade takes revenge of her fallen comrades and strikes down both British Bulldogs: Davey Boy Smith and the Dynamite Kid. Batman (Jean Paul Valley) with his advanced weaponry and acrobatics dispatches Jade. Mace Windu, Jedi Padawan #30 and Ahsoka Tano storm the Battalion 3 team. With lightsabers swinging, the Jedi easily deflect the firepower of Nick Fury, Rambo and Beachhead. Once upon the masculine soldiers, the Jedi either decapitate or mortally wound all three. Nick Fury, Rambo and Beachhead die. Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow attack the Jedi Padawan at the same time, believing he will be the most viable kill. They are correct. Although a mere Padawan, he manages to hold his own against the two warriors, but eventually succumbs to their overpowering fury. With Jedi Padawan #30 dead, Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes focus on Ahsoka Tano. Seeing his own Padawan in trouble, Skywalker fires two heat seeking torpedoes into the duo. Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes explode into G.I.Joe/Cobra bits. Mace Windu, as leader of his Squad, takes charge and finishes off Valley.

Lonestar (ignites his saber): I like the way you use that thing Windu! Let’s see how well. . .
Windu slices through Lonestar before he has time to finish his sentence.

Windu: Do you have anything to say?

Barf: Not really.

Windu: Didn’t think so. [Windu slices Barf in half].

Squad 2 against Battalion 4.
Squad 2:
Galactus leads Nova and the Inhumans: Black Bolt, Medusa, Gorgon, Triton, Karnak, Crystal and Lockjaw, and Green Lanterns #1-2, 4-5.
Battalion 4:
Lex Luthor leads Thanos, Flash, Batman Beyond, Black Suit Spiderman, Deathlok, Reptile, The Terminator (T2), Wolfsbane, Bishop, Megadeth, The Twins: Tomax and Xamot, and Mr. Mind.

Green Lanterns #1-2, 4-5 combine their ring powers and smash The Terminator (T2).

Green Lantern #2: Don’t think you’ll be back from that!

Thanos uses his powers that manipulate energy and matter to kill Green Lanterns #1-2. Before Green Lanterns #4-5 can retaliate, Deathlok fires his weapon and kills Lantern #4. Black Suit Spiderman manages to shoot his webs and snags Lantern #5 by his left foot. Spiderman then brings him down on the ground, stunning the Lantern #5. Before the Lantern can cut the webs, Wolfsbane jumps him and tears him apart. The Cobra Crimson Guard Commanders Tomax and Xamot are met by Karnak. Karnak uses his ability to sense the weak point of Xamot, and with his martial arts’ skills, kills Xamot by striking him repeatedly next to his heart. Lockjaw comes upon the scene and the Inhuman dog crushes Tomax in his jaws. Thanos flies up to the Inhuman martial artist and dog and kills them. Thus, Karnak and Lockjaw are no more. Flash runs into the fray. Gorgon stomps the ground and creates a shockwave which knocks Flash down. Medusa uses her prehensile hair to capture the speedster and then strangle Flash to death. Batman Beyond is in a hand-to-hand combat match with Triton. After the two savage each other, they pull out their “toys.” Before Batman can use his utility belt, Triton skewers him.

Triton: Always wanted to make a Bat-Kabob.

Black Bolt opens his mouth and uses his destructive hypersonic voice to shred Thanos. Bishop then uses his futuristic weaponry and fires upon Crystal. Wolfsbane enters the fight and begins tearing at Crystal’s body. Crystal, although mortally wounded, manages to use her manipulation skills of air and smashes Bishop and Wolfsbane together with such force it kills the two combatants. Crystal then dies. Black Bolt, Gorgon and Triton combine forces and destroy Black Suit Spiderman and Deathlok. Reptile uses his Kombat powers to skewer Triton, just as Triton did to his teammate before. Mr. Mind uses his hypnotic powers of mind manipulation to have Black Bolt kill Medusa. Furious, Gorgon squishes Mr. Mind underneath his large feet.

Luthor and Megadeth are left standing. As Galactus and Nova begin to come for the death blow Megadeth begins to sing:

I am a sniper, Always hit the mark; Paid assassin,Working after dark.
Looking through the night, Using infra-red, My target’s on you; Aimed at your head. $10.000 up front, $10.000 when I'm through; And I know just what to do, And ya know I'll do it too.
Then I'm coming back for you; Back for you!

Galactus: You will come back for no one!

Nova uses her galactic powers to kill all members of Megadeth.
Galactus looks at Luthor and in an instant Luthor is destroyed.

Squad 3 against Battalion 1.
Squad 3:
Lord Voldemort leads Blue Dragons #1-12, Dark Jedi Masters #31-39, Fin Fang Foom, The Matrix Twins, and Quills.
Battalion 1:
Gandalf the White leads Mephisto, Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Orcs #1-12. Abomination, Ghost Rider (Danny Ketch), Grey Hulk, Jedi Guardians #1 and 2, Yogurt, Green Lantern, Doc Holiday, and Dozer #6.

Gandalf: You shall not pass!

Voldemort: I do not intend to pass. I intend to destroy you!

Voldemort and Gandalf are in the middle of a pitched battle of spells while the other combatants fight. Quills uses his quill projectiles to cut down Dozer #6. Dark Jedi Masters #31-39 easily dispatch with Jedi Guardians #1 and 2. Blue Dragons #1-12 use their lightning breaths to ignite the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Marshmallow Man’s skin sizzles and he eventually catches fire and explodes. The Marshmallow Man’s goopy body parts splatter over Orcs #1-12. The goop essentially traps the Tolkien warriors, who are unable to significantly move. The Dark Jedi Masters #31-39 use this to their advantage and cut through the Orcs #1-12 (although Dark Jedi Master #32 is a casualty of the fracas). Grey Hulk and Abomination combine their superior strengths and take on the Blue Dragons. The Marvel monsters manage to destroy Dragons #3-7. Meanwhile, Ghost Rider uses his demonic chain to strangle Blue Dragon #1 and Green Lantern uses his ring to destroy Blue Dragons #2 and #8. Grey Hulk and Abomination then destroy the remaining Blue Dragons #9-12. Unfortunately, Abomination dies from his wounds.

Doc Holiday: What’s going on Huckleberry?

Quills: Your death.

Before Quills is able to shoot his quills at the Western warrior, Doc Holiday guns him down like the vermin he is. The Matrix Twins use their powers to surround and kill Holiday.

Mephisto uses his magic manipulation ability and joins Gandalf in his fight to destroy Voldemort. The combined power of the two magic wielders is too much and Gandalf and Mephisto destroy Voldemort.

Fin Fang Foom screeches on the scene and destroys Yogurt and Ghost Rider, without much adieu. The remaining Battalion members: Grey Hulk, Green Lantern and Mephisto, Gandalf then destroy Fin Fang Foom. The Dark Jedi Masters #31 and 33-39 storm the Battalion, filled with rage and revenge. Although the Masters manage to kill Grey Hulk and Green Lantern, they are eventually all killed with only Gandalf and Mephisto remaining from the skirmish.

Squad 4 against Battalion 5.
Squad 4:
Dr. Doomsday leads Barbarossa, Ajax, Hrrm, Twisted Mentat #1, Annihilus, Nazgul #2 with Fell Beast, Big Barda, Ares, Apollo and Hercules.
Battalion 5:
Cobra Commander leads Agent Smith, Gwar: Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmack da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner and Sleazy P. Martini, The Terminator (T1), and Ninja Pirates #3 and 4.

Dr. Doomsday: Commander. Surrender now and I promise that your deaths will be merciful. If you even attempt to fight . . .

Cobra Commander: Stop right there Dr. Doomsday! Don’t think we’re that stupid to lay down our arms! Fight we shall – onward to victory! And Doctor - time for your team’s medication – Better Than style!

The two teams run at each other. Barbarossa, Ajax, Hrrm and Twisted Mentat #1 take on Gwar. Flattus Maximus, Beefcake the Mighty and Oderus Urungus manage to destroy Mentat #1, with all of their combined “Gwarian” abilities. Barbarossa, Hrrm and Ajax, easily dispatch with Jizmack da Gusha and Slymenstra Hymen. Big Barda joins the fray and with Barbarossa, Hrrm and Ajax, manage to destroy Gwarmates: The Sexecutioner, Sleazy P. Martini, and Balsac the Jaws of Death. Oderus Urungus and Beefcake the Mighty take on Hrrm and manage to overpower the brute and eventually kill him. Annihilus uses his cosmic control rod and disintegrates Oderus Urungus and Beefcake the Mighty. Agent Smith warps reality and destroys Barbarossa. Ares, Apollo and Hercules then come on the scene and use their combined powers to pummel Agent Smith to death.

Nazgul #2 with Fell Beast swoops down on the combatants and destroys Ninja Pirate #3. Ninja Pirates #4 reacts to the death of his friend and, with perfect timing, jumps on the back of the Fell Beast. Although he knows that it will kill him too, he is willing to sacrifice himself for his comrades. The Pirate repeatedly stabs the Fell Beast. The Fell Beast, in its death throws, plummets to the grasslands below, killing itself, Nazgul #2 and the Ninja Pirates # 4.

Dr. Doomsday sees the Terminator and brutalizes the robot into pieces. Cobra Commander is the only battalion-mate left standing.

Dr. Doomsday: So much for my medicine!

Cobra: I will see you another day my doctor friend!

Dr. Doomsday: First, I’m no Doctor. Second, no you won’t.

Doomsday crushes Cobra Commander’s skull and throws his body in a heap amongst the others.


Squad 5 against Battalion 2.
Squad 5:
Megatron (Beast Wars) leads Scorponok with Lord Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath, The Predacons: Rampage, Headstrong, Divebomb, Tantrum, and Razorclaw, and Sky Lynx.
Battalion 2:
Red Skull and Skeletor lead Baron Zemo, Tombstone, The Hart Foundation: Brett "The Hitman" Hart & Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, Ghost Rider (Johnny Blaze), Smoke, Predators #1, 3-13, Loki and Bartleby.

The Predacons immediately attack the Predators. The Predacons manage to destroy Predators #1 and 3-5. Before Predator 3 dies, he uses his nuclear device to destroy Rampage, Tantrum and Headstrong. Scorponok with Lord Zarak easily rip apart The Hart Foundation: Brett "The Hitman" Hart & Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, with its claws. The remaining Predacons attack the Predators once again and kill them all. Mindwipe and Vorath hypnotize Baron Zemo and Tombstone to act as carefree flower children and free spirits. They two come into the path of the remaining Predacons Divebomb and Razorclaw.

Zemo: Hey man, what do you say?

Tombstone: Peace and love guys. Peace and love.

Divebomb and Razorclaw rip apart the hypnotized combatants. Ghost Rider (Johnny Blaze) manages to destroy Divebomb, but is then taken out by Sky Lynx. Smoke attempts to use his powers on Sky Lynx and is struck down by Skeletor’s sword. Loki and Bartleby use their angelic powers to destroy Razorclaw. Sky Lynx uses his Transformer weaponry to shred Loki and Bartleby’s wings apart. Megatron uses this to his advantage and destroys the seraphs.

Red Skull and Skeletor are left, knowing their deaths are imminent. They rush at the Squad and are riddled and shredded apart by the weaponry of Megatron, Scorponok and Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath and Sky Lynx.

Squad 6 against Battalion 6.
Squad 6:
Jack Bauer (on a Ducati) leads Curtis Manning, Peter Petrelli, The Pound: Michael Vick, Brandon Inge, Justin "The Golden Boy" Oblak and Dexter the Dog (part pit-bull), Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES.
Battalion 6:
Hulk Hogan leads Macho Man Randy Savage, Terry Funk, The 4 Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard, The Blues Brothers, Triple H, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Terminators #1-13, David Dunn, RVD and Sabu, and Sagat.

Hulk Hogan leads his wrestling teammates into battle. Hulk Hogan is joined by the Macho Man Randy Savage, Terry Funk and The 4 Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard against The Pound: Michael Vick, Brandon Inge, Justin "The Golden Boy" Oblak and Dexter the Dog (part pit-bull). Michael Vick (having pumped himself up while in jail) manages to snap the neck of Arn Anderson. Ole Anderson and Rick Flair, infuriated at the death of Arn, attack Vick at the same time. Between Ric Flair’s atomic drop and Ole Anderson’s chokeslam, Vick goes down for the count – forever. Brandon Inge, although a scrappy “Tiger” with heart, is no match for the skills of Terry Funk. Funk uses a spinning bulldog to finish Inge. Dexter the Dog rushes at Tully Blanchard and tears apart Blanchard’s groin with its teeth. Blanchard bleeds out and dies. Seeing that the dog is in a frenzy, Triple H, Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock come to the aid of their teammates. After they surround the dog, it is only a matter of minutes before they subdue Dexter and break its neck.

Macho Man (sees Oblak waiting for his turn to face the wrestlers): Come on! [Oblak rushes at Macho Man]. Oh yeah!!!! [Macho Man easily stops Oblak]. Snack into a slim jim, b@$ch! [Macho Man uses a Michinoko driver to finish Oblak].

Bauer, on his Ducati, skids his bike through the wrestlers, while firing his guns at the same time. The force of the bike striking the men manages to crush Ole Anderson. Curtis Manning, right behind Bauer, begins repeatedly unloading his guns into the wrestlers. Bauer and Manning kill Terry Funk, Ric Flair and Triple H. Peter Petrelli, invisible (using the leeched abilities of previous “heroes”) sneaks up from behind and kills Macho Man. Petrelli then uses another ability to “push” Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold and The Rock to fight and subsequently kill their own teammates, David Dunn, RVD and Sabu. While distracted, Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES kill Hogan, Austin and The Rock. While focusing on the “pushees”, Petrelli does not notice Sagat come from behind. Sagat snaps Petrelli’s neck. Bauer and Manning then unload their weapons on Sagat and kill him.

A fevered battle takes place between Terminators #1-13 and Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES. Uncle Sam is extremely powerful due to his Squad’s patriotism and manages to destroy Terminators #1-3 by himself. Citizen Steel manages to destroy Terminators #4 and 5, but is eventually subdued and killed by Terminator #9. The Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES take out Terminators #10-12, but are also eventually killed by the Terminators. Uncle Sam then kills the remaining Terminators #6-9.

The Blues Brothers see all of the carnage and decide to run. Bauer and Manning stop them.

Bauer: Where are your other teammates?

Elwood Blues: What are you talking about man?

Bauer: You know exactly what I’m talking about! Where is the meeting point for your team?!?

Elwood: I don’t know.

Bauer (signals Curtis Manning who shoots Jake in the head): Last chance!

Elwood: Die you pig scum!

Bauer shoots Elwood: Take us to the others (says to Uncle Sam who flies Bauer and Manning away).

Those left from the carnage arrive at the final battle site:
Better Than: Gandalf and Mephisto
Kennelz: Mace Windu Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker overhead in an F-18, Galactus, Nova, Black Bolt, Gorgon, Dr. Doomsday, Ajax, Annihilus, Big Barda, Ares, Apollo and Hercules, Megatron (Beast Wars), Scorponok with Lord Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath, Sky Lynx, Jack Bauer, Curtis Manning and Uncle Sam.

The fight lasts only seconds as the superior force devastates the remaining Better Than duo.

MICHAEL VICK’S BAD NEWZ KENNELZ OF LURVE IS VICTORIOUS!!!!!