The Easter Classic!

As the watcher assigned to the Easter Classic will be busy all weekend; the classic is being posted a few days early.

“Pop Superstar” Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos are:
Leon “The Professional”, Jack Crow, Rick Deckard, V, Willow Rosenberg, Venus and Serena Williams, Dora the Explorer w/ Backpack, Boots, & Map, Professor Henry Jones Sr., Chow Yun Fat, John Adams on Horseback, Thomas Jefferson on Horseback, Sir Winston Churchill on Horseback, Ahmed Best on Horseback, Hannah Montana, Mrs. Doubtfire, Dozer #1

The Horsemen of Apokolips are:
Josh, Larry, Chris, Julie, Blurr, Dazzler, Kiss, Baraka, Tommy the Green Ranger, Lion-O, Solomon Grundy, Harley Quinn



About an hour before dawn, the Commandos arrive by Chinook Helicopter at Cabo Sur on the south western tip of Rapa Nui more commonly known as Easter Island.

“This place is huge Leon,” Said Dora the Explorer “Will you help me explore… mi cuerpo?”

Leon has just started to realize Dora’s behavior has become increasingly less appropriate as the weeks go by and begins to wonder if he should learn Spanish to ward off her advances. She kept trying to teach him, but he had a feeling her idea of “essential phrases” were less than appropriate for every day conversation.

He was starting to regret agreeing to train her to become an assassin… and he missed his plant... the plant was so much less trouble.

Just when he is about to ask her what she meant earlier by “prohibido pasión amor” Willow pushed past them.

“If you’re not too busy slutting it up in front of her, could you figure out where we landed on this island Leon?” she said.

Leon, confused, agreed to go scouting. Giving Willow the chance to talk to Dora alone. “Finally! I never thought that bug eyed freakshow would leave… You know… you’re pretty hot for a toddler. Now, how about you teach me some of those latin phrases Dora?” Thankfully for Dora Willows advances were interrupted by the rest of the team finally catching up to them.

“The Cavalry” has mounted their horses and joined the group. Much to their dismay, Ahmed Best has decided to wear armor made from pots and pans, and he has outfitted his horse’s hooves with trash can lids. He is alternately using a broom to make cool rhythmic swishing noises and banging on his armor...

“I thought he was annoying when he talked, but this is insane” said Professor Henry Jones Sr. who is mostly just pissed that he didn’t get a horse to ride. “Look at this place, it’s beautiful, not a tree in sight, perfect for horseback riding… but apparently I’m not worthy of being mounted… err wait, I mean… never mind… Venus, Serena, No I was not hinting at anything, get your freakish man hands away from me!”

Sir Winston Churchill has taken a moment during everyone’s amazement at Ahmed’s ridiculousness to light up a cigar and begin a headcount. “V, could you be a sport and ensure everyone has had their shots?” he said.

“Verily!” said the verbose V. “Gather Round! While you may find me vociferous and altogether too violent, I must vehemently insist that I verify your venereal vaccinations upon our arrival to this verdant landscape. Would any volunteers like to assist me in this most virtuous assignment?”

“There’s no time for this nonsense” Hannah Montana stepped in to say, “I’ve gotten word back from Leon and we need to head north-northeast, there’s a large mountain the locals call Cerro Terevaka, it’s 507 meters high and should give us a line of sight on the opposition.”

“Line of sight? Jones just said this place doesn’t even have any Trees!” said Dozer #1 “Even I can see like 500 yards in every direction!”

“Ever been crushed to death by a cowboy boot Dozer?” said Hannah, clearly not in the mood for any back talk. “Let’s go.”

The Commandos then began heading north, Mrs. Doubtfire passed the time by endlessly chattering on and doing stupid voices every time the group walked by one of the Moai stone heads littered across the island…

Everyone except Chow Yun Fat was annoyed by her and considering leaving her behind. But he simply observed, wondering what hidden secrets Mrs. Doubtfire was saving for the thick of combat. To his trained eye, her confidence in such a barren environment indicated clearly her ability to defend herself.

Eventually the crew caught up to Leon and looked down the mountain to witness the arrival of the horsemen. Using the complex spy equipment that Dozer #1 has constructed for them out of complex sugars they were able to see and hear everything. During this, Jack Crow sneaks off to infiltrate the enemy camp.

Just after dawn the Horsemen arrived via giant hovercraft on the north eastern tip of the island in a place called Cabo O’Higgins.

Larry immediately refused to compete in the battle saying “If I win, everyone will make fun of me for being a nerd, and knowing that Jack Crow’s weakness is kryptonite, and if I lose everyone will make fun of me for being dead! You guys go on ahead and play your silly game.” Larry took a seat, his back resting against a Giant stone head. “This thing looks like Lurch from the Munsters!”

“Dude… Superman is weak against kryptonite… and Lurch is from the Adams Family… Where are we headed now?” Said Josh, amazed that someone could get those things wrong but trying to not make a big deal out of it.

Just when the fight was about to begin over who is in charge; Kiss, followed by Dazzler, walked by (well, rolled by in dazzlers case, somehow she found skates that work on all terrain types.)
“Let’s head to the top of this mountain, and get the lay of the land.” Gene said.

“I think we should just send one person out to scout first doesn’t everyone think that’s a better idea?” Dazzler asked.

“You’re a Hard Luck Woman Dazzler, Now shut up and Let Me Go Rock N Roll.” Responded Gene.

“Ace? Peter? Paul? You guys gonna say something?” asked Dazzler, pressing the group to Override Gene’s rash decision.

“We Are One.” The three men said in unison.

“Ugh… you guys are so gay.” responded Dazzler before finally giving in and following the group up the mountain.

They quickly reached the top of the mountain and noticed that it was, in fact, an active volcano.
“Volcan Puakatike” said Lion-O. “I’ve been here before… Mumm-Ra had disguised himself as this sexy little Lynx and we… ahem… I mean um… I saw the name using The Mystical Sword of Omens!.. yeah… the sword told me what the name of the Volcano is…. Shouldn’t we get down from here? God it’s hot…”

In an awkward silence the group headed down the face of the volcano towards a clearing. No one talked except for Tommy the Green Ranger, who was prodding Lion-O for details. "What it was like to be with a Man….err a Mummy Man… erm mummy… yeah, a mummy what was that like… just you know, cuz a mummy is weird right? Not because I’m curious about him or anything…"

Chris at this point was laughing hysterically at Tommy while Julie, fighting back giggles, was trying to stop Chris’ uproarious laughter.

Then, the group started to feel a slight rumbling as they descended the last few feet of the volcano and Kiss began preparations to set up a make-shift amphitheater.

The rumble had set Blurr on edge but his sensors detected nothing, he reported the lack of activity to Baraka and told him to inform the group that the tremors are probably harmless earthquakes. Baraka had lost interest in the fight because there hadn’t been any actual fighting yet and it’d been hours… he passed on the message and started to antagonize a roadie that looked particularly high strung.

Solomon Grundy was busy wondering if he should be afraid of fire, and then realized he wasn’t Frankenstein's Monster, so no, he shouldn’t.

Harley Quinn seemed lost without “her mister Jay” as she put it… and had spent most of the morning wondering how much fun it'd be if she rocked the roller skates like dazzler. Maybe if the skates had rockets on them or she used a giant jokerface umbrella to catch wind currents and be dragged along they’d be more fun…

Back at Cerro Terevaka The Commandos had Seen the amphitheater go up, and decided to head towards the construction. They were sure that this new structure must have something to do with the upcoming battle. Leon was still getting creeped out by Dora, and Dora was now getting creeped out by Willow, so Hannah decided they should get moving as quick as possible after one more look through Dozers amazing spying equipment.

Suddenly, during sound check at the amphitheater; Jack Crow (who had disguised himself as a kiss roadie) managed to knock over a Moai head and it punched a hole in the base of the volcano large enough for even the largest team member Blurr to enter. Jack seemed to have discovered a secret cave under the Volcano filled with Carvings and small statues depicting various scenes of battle. He also discovered a river of lava, unfortunately he had accomplished this second task by falling into it.

“What the hell is this place, you… you don’t think there are cave squirrels or something down there do you?” worried Julie.

“Wowzers! The Roadie discovered some kind of secret Cave!” Harley squealed, excited that something was finally happening.

“He also seems to have discovered that he isn’t “lava proof”; that dude is Dead”… said Chris, who noticed Jacks hand bursting into flames and slipping under the surface of the lava.

The team minus Dazzler and Kiss who are sound checking and practicing the pyrotechnic timing up above, explored the cave and notice a lot of entrance and exit tunnels that must run the entire length of the island.

They decided to get back topside because the rumbling had become louder and more frequent and they didn’t want to be underground if the place decided to cave-in.

In the shuffle to leave they don’t hear the sounds of bone scraping on stone that appeared to be coming from the caves many entrances and exists.
While the Horsemen were mourning the loss of the roadie, whose name nobody seemed to remember, the Commandos were having other problems.

Their members were disappearing one by one.

At first, Leon, and Dora, and Willow all went missing. Hannah kept the group together and attempted to keep everyone moving. But soon, she was gone as well.

Henry Jones Sr. had analyzed the area where Hannah was seen last and determined that these people have not merely disappeared, they were being taken. He followed drag marks to a pile of stones and noticed that there was air coming from between the cracks in the stone. He motioned to Rick Deckard for help in a moment of strange familiarity that they both promptly dismiss.

“There must be some kind of cave behind here causing this airflow.” Said Deckard. “Help me move these rocks!” Once the rocks had been removed, it became obvious that the rocks were covering up the entrance to a long tunnel.

Thomas Jefferson speaks up “There’s no way the horses are going to fit down there… we know where the enemy is setting up, why don’t those of us who are mounted take positions to their flank and wait for the rest of you to mount your offensive. Maybe these caves lead to that Hole that giant head made when Jack knocked it over. You could surprise them from the rear, and we will rush in from the side overwhelming them and claiming victory!”
The rest of the Commando Cavalry agreed to this flanking maneuver, and they moved to take up position at Punta Cuidado about a mile south of the amphitheater.

The rest of the commandos filed into the tunnel, noting the carvings along the way.



“Ooooh Dearie!” Exclaimed Mrs. Doubtfire “I’ve seen this before! I think I can make some of it out. It says here that one of us will save the island from certain doom… but at great cost… it also says… oh my…”

The others pressed Doubtfire for the rest of the translations but she shrugged them off and said it wasn’t important. They continued reluctantly through the caves, as the rumblings grew louder.

Deep within the caves the clash of bone on rock had grown to a rhythmic thunder. The Tangata Manu had consulted with his ivi-attuas prophet and had discovered that the time was finally upon them. Their Bird Cult had finally reached the point in its history where it could stop hiding and become the savior of the world as foretold in their carvings. The prophets began listening to the island and heard the tales of the great painted ones to the north who were crafting a grand stage to pay tribute to the volcano. On the winds they also heard the tale of the great one who will save the world from the wrath of the island’s active volcano. The Cultists then spread out amongst their tunnels, sacrificial bone knives in hand, to collect the pawns of fate so they may play out their roles in the prophecy.

Meanwhile, a volcanic eruption ripped through the island, causing chaos and confusion. One of the giant heads fell and crushed Larry who had drifted off to sleep propped up against it.

“Think of it as Extra Pyro!” Gene shouted at the team as they launched into their first set. Dazzler’s powers began to amplify. She tested them by firing beams of light into the air, punching holes into the canopy of the Amphitheater. “Easy kid!” yelled Gene “We’re just looking for a light show! Those things are Hotter than Hell, you’re liable to set Heaven on Fire doing it that way!”
“Sorry!” said Dazzler “I was trying to send the beams Into the Void but I missed!”

Underneath the stage the chanting had begun in time to the music. The Bird Cult was holding Dozer #1 tied to a stick above their heads and dancing jubilantly. The other kidnapped teammates were sitting silently watching. His teammates then caught up to him in the tunnel and were preparing to strike when Dozer made them stop.

“WAIT!” shouted Dozer, “I have seen the prophecy! I’m supposed to do this! It’ll save you all and stop the eruptions!”

Everyone stood around confused while the bird men continued to chant and dance, banging their bone implements against the walls of the volcano. The formerly kidnapped teammates explained everything to the group. The prophecy, the carvings, all of it. Reluctantly they all stood down, allowing the bird cultists to continue their odd ritual.

By now the Horsemen had heard Dozer #1’s shouts and realized that the enemy was below them. They flooded into the cave below. Blurr, Lion-O, and Tommy stayed up top to guard the stage from attack. Tommy, however, was lured off by the mannish Williams sisters. He didn’t understand why he was so attracted to them, but he ignored his feelings of confusion and went with them behind a batch of Stone heads.

Lion-O used his Sight Beyond Sight to see what was happening to Tommy. He instantly realized this was a mistake as he witnessed Tommy’s death due to severe cranial and pelvic trauma at the hands of the Williams Sisters. Lion-O couldn’t cope with the horror (either from the violence, or the naked sisters… we’re not sure) and vaulted up to the top of the volcano to throw himself in.

What was seen, could not be unseen, and suicide was clearly his only option. Solomon Grundy attempted to stop him and was almost drug into the mouth of the volcano with him. The last thing the team recalled hearing from Lion-O was “Thundercats HOOOOOooooh god I can still see it when I close my eyes!!!”

Mrs. Doubtfire seized the moments of confusion to begin the combat in the cave. Distressed about Dozer’s impending sacrifice she produced an armament of Oranges which she then began to hurl at the Horsemen.

Chris saved his teammates from the Fruit-Fu attack and consumed all 15 thrown oranges, peel and all. He then staggered off to the stage fearing a reversal of fortune was impending. Julie rushed out to help him.

V then squared off against Baraka, the two circled each other blades in hand… (or.. attached to arms in Baraka’s case), V, viciously cut Baraka to ribbons after vaulting over his head during Baraka’s patented Blade Shredder attack which left his back vulnerable until the flurry of blades stopped. V then headed up to the stage to attempt to launch an attack against whoever he could find.

The Bird Cultists were confused by all of this and grabbed Mrs. Doubtfire to take her to the very top of the volcano alongside Dozer #1. Solomon Grundy stood and watched as he had no intention of pissing off the crazy bird cult. Especially not when the bird cult seemed to be making his work easier for him.

Suddenly Chow Yun Fat rushed to rescue Doubtfire from the cultists. The cultists held Chow at bay for only a few moments before Grundy walked up behind him and tore off both of his arms proceeding to beat him to death with them. Interruptions taken care of, the cultists resumed the sacrifice of “The Great Builder God” and “The Great Unfunny one” as foretold in their Prophecy.

The Cultists said prayers to their builder god and hurled curses at the great unfunny one, throwing the two Commandos into the volcano to their doom.

The rumbling stopped almost immediately. The only sound remaining was the odd silence of Kiss as they waited for the non-existent audience to sing “and party every day.”
They quickly realized that they had become the center of attention and launched into Love Gun, fueling Dazzlers Powers further.

Nearby, Blurr had heard a noise from the south, a great clattering of pots and pans and garbage can lids. He was then very aware of the Commando Cavalry heading his way.

“Flanking Maneuver… more like Clanking Maneuver… Jackass… Why didn’t they give ME the horse?!” grumbled Henry Jones Sr. as the horsemen clattered up to Blurr attempting to lance him down with broom handles that Ahmed had provided to the group.

Blur easily crushed Jefferson, Churchill, and John Adams, He then picked up Ahmed and his clanking horse and punted the mess of splintered bones and crumpled metal into the mouth of the volcano.

Blurr began scanning the landscape for a new target when his circuits were suddenly doused in what can only be described as a torrent of orange peels and bile filled orange juice. The strange fluids were being Projectile Vomited “Ella style” from the once limitless confines of Chris’ stomach. Blurr’s circuits began sparking and smoking, his sensors became unreliable, and he was unable tell which of the seven Rick Deckards on his display was the one that finally retired him.
Chris, still vomiting profusely, stumbled into Julie who lost her balance and reached out to steady herself. She fell to the ground with a hand full of blond hair.

Hannah Montana was PISSED. Now everyone knew her secret, and this woman who caused it must die. She pounced on Julie, knocking Chris into an errant blast from Dazzler, the neatly sliced hole in the base of his skull killing him instantly. The women scratched and clawed viciously at each other until Julie pushed Hanna’s face into another laser like beam of light emitted by Dazzlers Kiss fueled power.
“Uuuh guys, I don’t think my light beams are supposed to be this strong” said Dazzler.

Her cries fell on deaf ears as Love Gun was coming to its close and Gene Simmons drew his “love gun” from a holster. It was a strangely phallic revolver chambered in .454 Casull that he aimed squarely at Leon the Professional.
Leon took the bullet directly to the forehead and fell in a crumpled heap. Dora’s rage could be heard across the entire island as she went into a frenzy. Willow tried to console her but was slammed by a giant accordion boxing glove wielded by Harley Quinn and slumped at the base of the stage.

Gene saw the threat immediately and was drawing a bead on Dora when Dazzler reached sonic overload and exploded. The resulting concussive blast threw gene half way up the mountain and vaporized the rest of the band. The light show produced by this explosion instantly converted the bird cultists into becoming members of the Kiss Army and they all began painting their faces and sticking their tongues out as far as they could.

The blast also vaporized Willow, Harley Quinn, the Williams sisters, Josh, V, and Julie Artrip who were still far too close to the stage to avoid it.

Gene regained consciousness and realized Rick Deckard was standing over him. Rick was clearly about to gun him down. Before that could happen Gene managed to retrieve his Axe Guitar and cut Deckard neatly in two with it.

Dora’s Rage had driven her insane. She threw Boots, Map, and Backpack violently away, all three landing in hissing pools of lava. She then began to charge at Gene.

Professor Henry Jones Sr. was still too busy cracking up at Ahmed Best being punted to notice that he was between the crazed child and the Demon. In her frenzied charge she clipped his leg sending him pin-wheeling into the smoldering remains of the amphitheater where he was crushed by falling debris.

Solomon Grundy then stepped up to protect Mr. Simmons, but was unable to do so, as Dora used the skills she learned from her lost love Leon to remove Grundy’s lower intestine with her bare hands and wrap it around his neck strangling him to death without breaking stride.

In the final act of this gruesome battle Gene and Dora squared off on the side of the Volcano, she kicked Gene Simmons directly in his Family Jewels, his screams echoed across the island. She then took his Axe Guitar from the ground in front of him and with a sickening snap, all was silent.
Only when the paint covered head rolled to a stop, it’s freakishly long tongue lolling out into the dirt did Dora realize the battle was over. Exhausted and saddened, her throat raw from screaming, she began the long, lonely journey back to the helicopter to go home.

“Pop Superstar” Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos ARE VICTORIOUS.