The Right Wing vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies

"This place is wild and untamed. It stirs the blood and makes one feel...alive."
―Juhani[src]

I look at the teams to do battle on Kashyyk during this pre-season match. They are as follows:

The Right Wing: Silver Surfer, Jool Nooret, Ewok Babies #3 and #4, and Tyrannosaurus Rex #16.

Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies: Ted Nugent, Captain Planet’s Crew- Captain Planet, Kwame, Linka, Ma-Ti, Gi, Wheeler and Suchi, Marines #20-23, Ewoks #5-11 and Aunt May.

The combatants appear in the lush forests of Kashyyk's highest peak, Korrokrrayyo Mountain. Sampson’s Aunt May is bundled in a scarf and overcoat. She is a tad bit disoriented since she is only used to the steel monoliths of New York City, not the gigantic wroshyr trees which currently surround her. As she is walking, she stumbles upon Ewok Babies #3 and #4.

May: Oh you babies are so cute and adorable! Bless your little hearts!

Ewok Babies #3 and #4 coo as Aunt May comes closer. As May reaches down to rub Ewok #3’s tummy, the babies’ innate cannibalistic tendencies surface. Both Ewok Babies gnash their teeth and growl at Aunt May. Aunt May is startled, backs up and trips over a log which litters the forest floor. The Babies waddle over to the fallen May, teeth showing. Aunt May realizes her predicament and begins to suffer a heart attack. The last thing Peter Parker’s aunt hears and sees before she dies is the ripping of her flesh and the gnashing of teeth as the Ewok Babies feast upon her flesh. Marines #20-23 arrive at the sight of Ewok Babies #3 and 4 feasting upon May’s corpse. Disgusted at the sight (yet shockingly drawn to observe at the same time-like a car crash during rush hour), they fire their weapons. The bullets rip through both Ewok Babies, whose shredded bodies fall on May’s chewed-upon corpse. As the Marines move away from the scene, Jool Nooret crashes from the trees branches above, squarely in the center of all Marines. Before the Marines are able to load their weapons again, Nooret slashes, slices and dices through all four Marines #20, 21, 22 and 23, whom fall to the ground. It is only a short time before the Marines’ bodies are dragged away by the native Kashyyk scavengers.

A few hundred feet away is Ted Nugent and Ewoks #5-11. Although the remaining Ewoks are gyrating to Nugent’s acoustic version of “Little Miss Dangerous,” Ewok #5 can be seen behind a log, snorting doogle berries. As Nugent finishes his song he sees Tyrannosaurus Rex #16 walking through the forest. Ted Nugent slings his guitar over his shoulder and rushes away from the Ewoks. He quickly camouflages himself to look like the dirt and moss floor of the forest. Ted unholsters his bow and arrow. He has Tyrannosaurus Rex #16 in his sights.

Nugent: Oh, Fred Bear, walk with me down the trails again,
Take me back, back where I belong.
Oh, Fred Bear, I’m glad to have you by my side, my friend,
And I’ll join you in the big hunt before too long,
Before too long.

With the spirit of Fred Bear in his heart, Nugent guides his arrow to the chest of the T. Rex. The T. Rex roars in agony as the arrow has found its mark. The dinosaur then notices that Nugent has strung another arrow in his bow. Before Nugent is able to fire, the T. Rex chases the guitarist.

Nugent (while running away, is heard to scream, in his best Motor-City Madman howl): Fred Bear!!! Why have you forsaken me!!!!!

The T. Rex is about to engulf Nugent within its salivating maw when it is struck by the Captain Planet crew. Kwame uses his power to shift the earth and Linka uses her power of the wind to cause the T. Rex to stumble. Unfortunately when the T. Rex stumbles, Wheeler is too close and is crushed as the dinosaur lands on the ground. Captain Planet uses his superhuman strength and stamina to pummel the T. Rex, while Suchi flings its’ feces at the dinosaur. While Captain Planet is killing the dinosaur (and the monkey is flinging its pooh), Ma-Ti telepathically communicates with the T. Rex to assuage its’ feelings of imminent death. Gi is about to give her speech about the protection of all animals (including this T. Rex) when she looks down to see Jool Nooret’s blade slice her in half. The Sword Master then dispatches Ma-Ti and Suchi.

Ted Nugent rushes to the scene to help the Planeteers. Before Nugent is able to reach the battle, the Ginaz Swordmaster manages to kill Kwame and Linka too. Captain Planet, having defeated T. Rex #16 and having seen his fellow Planeteers killed by Nooret, combines forces with Nugent. Nugent’s pinpoint accuracy with his bow and Captain Planet’s overall abilities combine to overpower and destroy Nooret.

Having seen Nugent in battle-action, Ewoks #5 (still out-of-his-mind) and #6-11 cheer their teammate on. Before the celebration becomes too unruly, Silver Surfer cruises on his surfboard to the scene. The Surfer uses his cosmic powers to destroy both the remaining Planeteer and guitar legend.

Just as the Surfer is about to kill the Ewoks and travel back to his locker room, he hears the slurred shouting of Ewok #5. The other Ewoks jump to various parts of the forest and spring their trap. The Surfer is met by various log-type weapon machinations. The logs manage to smash the Surfer off his board. The Silver Surfer falls to the ground. The Ewoks pounce on the herald and begin to stab him with the spears they have newly attained. As the Surfer is about to succumb to this most embarrassing death, the board travels back to the Surfer. The Surfer shakes the haze out of his head and kills Ewoks #6-11 with a cosmic blast. Ewok #5 (having recognized his failure of completing team-induced rehab) gives the middle-finger salute to the Surfer. The last defiant action of Ewok #5 does not go unnoticed. The Surfer ponders the event, shakes his finger and points to the Endor-native. Ewok #5 is engulfed in flames from the power cosmic and dies.

Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies: All dead.
The Right Wing: Silver Surfer survives.

THE RIGHT WING IS VICTORIOUS!!!