Josh's Apartment:
Pop-Superstar Hannah "TV didn't ruin me dad. You did." Montana and President Barak Obama's "Best of Both World's Touring Battalion of Commandos is: Leon:The Professional, Lady Gaga, Black Lantern Dozer #1, and baby Ewok #5
Xavier's Annihilation Squad is : Jeanie w/ Devil Lance, Major Nelson w/ Demon Rod, and Black Lantern Josh Houslander.
The Touring Commandos huddle out side of Josh's Apartment, discussing strategy.
"Ok, we all know the plan, oui?" says Leon. We get in. Get What we need and get out before anyone knows we were here. I have check with our owner and Josh is out doing a podcast on Groudy.com since it is Thursday around 6:45. That shall give us ample time to achieve our goals."
"Can't read my pokerface" says Lady Gaga.
"I'll tear their hearts out of their chests and build another delicious Doozer tower to lure those fraggles to their deaths" growls BLack Lanterns Doozer #1
"Eeep, eep." say Baby Ewok #5, showing that the Watcher has a very base idea of what all these players are all about.
"Ok, in we go." directs Leon. "Hold on. I see something. It looks like Houslander is home early. Merde. Now we cannot steal the notebooks and write in that we are all unkillable deathmachines when in ze apartment. Merde. Zat was such a good idea. I make ze change in ze book, since if eet is in zee book eet ees true and valid for zee match." I should mention that as Leon gets more upset, his professionalism wavers and his hilarious french accent becomes more pronounced.
"Alejandro!" says Gaga. "Just dance!" she then point to Jeanie and Major Nelson talking to Houslander.
"You need to speak in more zan broken lyrics, cherie." replies Leon "But I see zem. Ewok bebe, geeev me ze speciul lan-cher I make for zis occasion".
"Chub chub." replies the Ewok gleefully, and hands the french assassin a heavy duty slingshot.
Leon picks up the black lanten Dozer and as he loads him, tells the lovable, deadly scamp "Reemebur, missuer Doz-air. Like zee old say-eeng goes. Women and child-ren first." Leon then fires the Dozer at Jeanie, where he lands and promptly breaks her neck before she can do her little head bob, magic action. He then tears her heart out of her chest in front of a screaming Major Nelson.
Nelson shakily aims his Demon Rod at the horrifiying mini Muppet when he hears a voice say "Gaga, ooh lala." and turns to see a horrifying creature running at him telling him she wants his "Love, love, love I want your love."
It is the Gaga.
Nelson seals his fate as he looks upon the alleged hermaphrodite, giving the Dozer time to crawl up his leg and tear his heart out.
"Bein. Bein" says Leon. "Eet looks like we did not need my strategy after all. Ah, 'Ouslander. Sorry for zee deception. All ees fair in ze FFL, no?" laughs Leon, glowing after such an easy slaughter "Cigarette, 'Ouslander?"
"Sure", replies Josh "Have the little Ewok bring it to me, give him something to do"
"Ah, oui oui Ouslander. You know, today ees heez birsday. Well my leetle friend, maybe we go to zee Chuck E Cheese and celebrate your birsday and zee win." Leon hands the birthday boy the cigarettes where he gleefully toddles over to Josh, exicted at the prosper of pizza, games, and a giant rat.
"Ey. Moment 'Ouslander. That reeng on your feen-air. Ees eet not supposed to be blue?"
"Oh yeah, look at that. I put on the wrong ring. That just tears me APART!" screams Josh as he picks up the baby ewok and tears him in half right infront of the stunned Commandos revealing himself to not be the beloved FFL Commish, but instead the Black Lantern version of said person.
"HOLY F%^K!!" screams Gaga "RUN!!" and she spins to run but forgets she's wearing a stupid outfit and falls on top of Leon knocking both of them off their feet.
"I got thi..."the black lantern Dozer started to say, but Josh quickly throws the head of the baby ewok at him, covering him in blood and knocking him down for a bit.
"Old on, old on. Keel ze freak first!!!" Cries Leon, who not very professionally pushes Gaga at the bloodthirsty Houslander.
"I am sick and tired of....HURK." Gaga attempts to speak in the form of her song "Telephone" but her service is disconnected as her heart is torn out of her chest.
"Oh, no. No nonononono." whimpers Leon as a blood spattered, demonic looking Josh sadistically walks toward him smiling.
"Good bye Leon, can't say I'd recommend your services to my friends." and Josh finishes off The Professional.
"Anyone left?" questions the Black Lantern Houslander
"Yeah. Me." says the black lantern Dozer "Lets finish this." and he begins to run at his opponent
"Just a second. Let me mark something down" replies the Commish and pulls out a notebook.
the Dozer is making pretty good time but as he reaches his destination, he falls and his ring flies off his finger. The Dozer gets up, and says "Wwwwait, What the. I...I'm not a black lantern anymore? I'm a regular Dozer?"
"That's right short stuff, says right here in the official FFL rule book. If a black lantern fights infront of the office of the FFL commissioner and gets splashed with the blood of a teammate on said teammates birthday, his life shall be returned to him." sneers the Black Lantern Josh
"This...this is.. I heard you were corrupt but this....you're a MONSTER!!!"
"Yeah. And you're finished." replies the black lantern as he slowly walks up to the newly alive Dozer, his eyes full of unspeakable horror.
What happens next is too vile for words, the night air is shattered by the tiny screams of a Dozer as he gets slaughtered.
The Touring Battalion of Commandos: All dead.
Xavier's Annihilation Squad: Black Lantern Josh Houslander survives.
XAVIER'S ANNIHILATION SQUAD IS VICTIORIOUS!!
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6 comments:
Oh damn dude. Too many hilarious parts to mention. ending was the best though. Those books are like 24 little bibles.
-Fizz
Hilarious!! I love the new rule by the way.
Friggin awesome match dude, but where was Claire Danes. I'm thinking she could have changed the outcome of this "So Called Match".
Seriously though, hilarious stuff dude.
HOW CAN ANYONE FORGET THE FANTASTIC ACTRESS WHO WON BOTH AN EMMY AND GOLDEN GLOBE FOR HER PORTRAYAL OF TEMPLE GRANDIN!!!
I don't know, but she was forgotten. She could have totally kicked Black Lantern Josh's ass. You saw the way she wasted those puny robots in T3: Rise of the Machines.
I was hoping to address the Claire Danes matter with the owner of the Commandos privately, but since he wants to air his grievances publicly, I shall obliged him.
The deadline for submitting a line up to your Watcher is 11 pm Monday night. The Commandos failed to meet this deadline and requested an extension. The request was granted, but I decided to penalized the Commandos by one random player, since the Annihilation Squad had their players in place by early Sunday morning. Due to pedigree as an Emmy and Golden Globe winner, Ms Danes was selected to sit the match out, and not because I forgot to copy her name from the tardy email into my notebook.
Ms Danes could have indeed been the one to turn the tide for the Commandos, but due to the arrogance of their owner thinking the submission rules don't apply to him, we'll never know.
Next time get your stuff in by the deadline. Dick.
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