Week Five: George Washington's Slaves vs Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies

George Washington’s Slaves are Houndimus Prime, Black Lantern Darkseid, Black Lantern Hal Jordan, Dack in an Exo-Suit, Ben Skywalker, Corbin Dallas w/Green Lightsaber, Cosmos, Darth Plaguis w/Red Lantern Ring, Dormammu, Dozer & Tank in a Y-Wing Bomber, Santa Claus w/Ki Adi Mundi’s Lightsaber, Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, Blitzen, Scorpion w/Red Lightsaber & Heat Axe, Windcharger, and Jedi Masters #2-7.

Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies are The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: Jason, Kimberly, Trini, Zack & Billy, Black Lantern Guy Gardner, Mechagodzilla, Grimlock, Etrigan, Sarah Palin, Dark Claw, The Wu Tang Clan: ODB, Dirt McGirt, Big Baby Jesus, RZA, GZA, Method Man, Raekwon, Ghost Face Killah, Inspectah Deck, U-God, Masta-Killa, & Cappadonna, DynoMutt The Dog Wonder, The Great Lakes Avengers: Mr. Immortal, Squirrel Girl, Big Bertha, & Flatman, 6 Marines and 10 Jawas.


Sigh.

I feel like I’ve been waiting for days for this battle to begin. Neither team has shown up yet. It’s freakin’ freezing out here in the depths of space. Somebody better show up fast or they are going to have a very vengeful Watcher one their hands.

“Ho ho ho! Sorry we’re late Ryatu,” bellows Santa Claus as he rides his reindeer led sleigh into battle. He, of course, is once again joined by his trusted ally, Corbin Dallas. “Nevermind, Santa. Where’s the rest of your team?” I ask. “Oh don’t worry son, they’ll be here momentarily” replies Jolly ‘Ol Saint Nick. “Fine, great. Now… Where the hell are the Murderflies?!?” I exclaim. But then I hear something coming closer. (Oh and yes, I am aware that this is Outer Space, but I have created a simulated atmosphere around what I have designated to be the “battlefield.” So yeah… you can talk, hear, breathe… you get the point.) It’s getting louder as what I believe to be the Murderflies approach closer.

The Wu Tang Clan leads the rest of the Murderflies into battle as Santa, Corbin and the reindeer await the arrival of their teammates. “S#!t Santa, our crew better show up, otherwise we’re f*#^%d!!” says Corbin. “Now now, Corbin. What did I say about that language?” replies Santa. “Besides…this just means there’s more for us to defeat!” Santa snaps the reins at his reindeer and shouts “Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen! Now kill them! Kill them! Kill them all!" The Great Lakes Avengers are the first to attack Santa and his crew, and are met with a very grisly fate. They are savagely ripped into by the reindeer and none survive the attack. “Christ Santa! What’s gotten into them?!” cries out Corbin. “You know very well Corbin. Just like for us, for many of them, this could be their final battle,” replies Kris Kringle. Corbin then leaps off of the sleigh and lands on an asteroid below. He is jumped by 10 Jawas, but manages to knock them away. Corbin pulls his gun out and blasts five of them square in the head. He then ignites his lightsaber and cuts the rest of them down. “Way to go my boy! Ho, ho ho!!’ shouts Santa as he zips past the asteroid. “Santa! Look out!” Corbin yells back as he sees Black Lantern Guy Gardner hot on the sleigh’s tail. Santa Claus is able to maneuver around the floating asteroids as well as the blasts coming from his attacker. “Oooh Guy, you have been a very naughty boy this year,” Santa says. “And if the rest of my team doesn’t get here soon, there’ll be nothing but coal in their stockings this Christmas.”

Just then, there is a loud boom that echoes through the “battlefield” as the rest of the Slaves arrive via Black Lantern Darkseid’s Boom Tube. “Nice of you to join us,” Santa says. “Now you mind giving us a hand here?!” “Sorry about that Santa,” Houndimus Prime replies. “Hal, give the Saint there a little help will you?” Black Lantern Hal Jordan then flies as fast as he can and slams into Black Lantern Guy Gardner. “Now I’m going to show you that I’m then greatest Lantern, regardless of color!” shouts BL Hal Jordan as he creates a black energy buzz saw and tries to cut the top of BL Guy’s head off. But BL Guy blocks it with a black energy University of Michigan football helmet. He then kicks Jordan off of him and blasts him back with some black energy of his own. Black Lantern Guy Gardner rushes after Black Lantern Hal Jordan, but Hal was expecting this. BL Jordan creates black energy gladiatorial armor and leaps towards the oncoming BL Gardner, who has made similar energy armor. The two clash ferociously, both able to draw blood. BL Guy rockets up in the air and comes down hard, and is able to drive his black energy sword through BL Hal’s black energy shield. But BL Jordan uses this to his advantage. He pulls the shield away with the sword still lodged inside of it and slashes Black Lantern guy Gardner’s neck open with his sword.

The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers have already formed their respective Zords into Megazord and are joined by Mechagodzilla and Grimlock as they descend upon an asteroid which has a group of Darth Plaguis led Jedi Masters located on it. The Jedi Masters leap into action and try to take down the much larger robots, but they are simply outmatched and are crushed or fried for their overzealousness. Darth Plaguis, however, utilizes their distraction to his advantage and flies up, courtesy of his Red Lantern ring, behind the Megazord. He uses the Force to open the hatch that allows access to the control area within the Megazord’s head. Darth Plaguis then unleashes a combination of Sith Lightning and red rage energy/blood/vomit (whatever the hell it is) at the Power Rangers, killing them all. The Sith Lord then takes command of the Megazord and encases it in red energy. He then uses it to attack Mechagodzilla. “Me Grimlock no like you!” yells the powerful Autobot Tyrannosaurs and aids Mechagodzilla in destroying the Megazord. Grimlock transforms into his robot form flies up and cuts the head of the Megazord off with his energy sword. Mechagodzilla then stomps the head, thus crushing Darth Plaguis. Mechagodzilla then sees a Y-Wing Bomber flying overhead and blasts it out of the sky before it can drop any of its payload.

The two robot dinosaurs then find themselves being attacked by Houndimus Prime, Cosmos, Windcharger, and Black Lantern Darkseid. Houndimus goes after Grimlock as the other three triple team Mechagodzilla. “Me should have the Matrix, not puny little Hound!” Grimlock says as he tries to rip open Houndimus’s chest. “Sorry, but it’s not yours for the taking!” Houndimus shouts back as he kicks Grimlock off. Grimlock lunges for Houndimus Prime, but it turns out to only be a hologram that Houndimus had created to confuse and distract the Dinobot. Houndimus then blows a massive hole into Grimlock’s chest and kills the Transformer. Mechagodzilla, however, is having much more success. He has already destroyed Cosmos and uses his Space Beam to melt Windcharger. Black Lantern Darkseid, though, has seen enough. He fires his Omega Beams at Mechagodzilla and vaporizes the robot. BL Darkseid then sees a small group of Marines camped out on a near by asteroid. He flies down to meet them and without hesitation, he obliterates every last one of them with his vast powers.

The Wu Tang Clan, who have all been outfitted with rocket packs by Ron Popeil before they left for battle, all converge on Santa and his Reindeer. They all pull their gats out and manage to bust a cap into Dasher, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder and Blitzen. The trio of ODB, Dirt McGirt and Big Baby Jesus then all take point and unload their clips into Rudolph. “Oh boys, that was very naughty of you. Now you’re going to have to pay,” Santa says with a tear in his eye. He uses his vast magical abilities to blast the whole of the Wu Tang Clan down to an asteroid below. He then unleashes Dancer and Prancer as they make their way to the asteroid. Santa is then joined by Corbin Dallas, Scorpion, Dack (who is in an Exo-Suit) and Ben Skywalker. Santa, Corbin, and Ben all ignite their lightsabers as Dack transforms his arms into blasters. “Come on old man! Get some!!” shouts Masta-Killa. Ben Skywalker leaps into action and puts on one hell of a display, killing ODB, Inspectah Deck, RZA and GZA before he lands. Dirt McGirt and Big Baby Jesus then converge on his and are relieved of their heads just as quickly. But then Ben drops to his knees as Ghost Face Killah is standing behind him, smoking gun in hand. “Sucka,” quips the Wu Tang soldier as he sends Ben Skywalker to the Graveyard. Dark Claw, Sarah Palin, and DynoMutt join the battle as Santa and Corbin pull their lightsabers out of the Raekwon and U-God. Dancer and Prancer pounce on DynoMutt and use their antlers to tear a hole into the belly of the Dog Wonder. Dark Claw slices into Dack’s Exo Suit and drives his claws into the head of Dack. “Get over here!” shouts Scorpion as he fires his spear into the neck of Dark Claw and yanks him over to his feet. Scorpion then swings his Heat Axe down and blasts Dark Claw with Blaze II, incinerating him. Etrigan then slams down in front of Scorpion and in an act of irony uses his flame breath to kill the Mortal Kombat ninja. Sarah Palin, Method Man, Ghost Face Killah, Masta-Killa and Cappadonna continue to battle on, but the teamwork between Santa, Corbin, Dancer and Prancer proves to be too valuable and the former Governor of Alaska and the remaining Wu-Tang members all fall in battle. Etrigan finds himself alone against stacked odds, which tip even more out of favor for him with the arrival of Dormammu. Etrigan tries his best, but Dormammu is too powerful of a being for the Demon to overcome.

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S SLAVES ARE VICTORIOUS!!