Season Five Week Nine: Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers vs Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies

Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers are: Power Girl, Proteus, Ron Burgundy W/ Quinlan Vos’s lightsaber, Brian Fantana W/ Magnoguard Electrostaff, Brick Tambland W/Trident, Champ Kind W/ Battle Axe, Veronica Corningstone w/M202A1 FLASH Rocket Launcher, Baxter the Dog, Mrs. Voorhees W/ Red Lantern Ring, Damien Thornn W/ Yellow Lantern Ring, Mrs. Baylock, Damien Thornn’s Rotwiller, Venom (Flash Thompson), Mecha Hitler, Sub-Zero, and Robot Man.

Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies are: Quintus Lentulus Batiatus, Lucretia Batiatus, Spartacus, Crixus, Gannicus, Oenomaus (Doctore), Agron, Barca, Varro, Naevia, Mira, Melitta, Prince of Persia, Altair Ibn-La'Ahad, Ezio Auditore da Firenze, Machete, Teddy Roosevelt w/Green Lantern Ring, Quick Draw McGraw, and Rancor #2.

The sun peaks over the towering spectacle that is the Coliseum. The crowd is a raucous bunch. Their bellies full of wine. Heads filled with lustful thoughts and a rising desire for carnage. Quintus Lentulus Batiatus steps forth from his seat upon the balcony and raises his hands in the air, quieting the audience.

“Good people of Rome!” he starts. “It has been a long journey, but the House of Batiatus is finally here in the Coliseum!”

The crowd lets out a cheer that grows through the air. Quintus quiets them down as he continues.

“You have all seen wondrous spectacles of blood and victory here in this truly awe inspiring structure. But nothing like you will see in a moment. I bring to you, the good people of Rome, a feast for the senses. Today you will be witness to the finest gladiators that have ever drawn blood on this hallowed sand. Allow me to introduce to you….Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies! Led by the Bringer of Rain, himself… SPARTACUS!!!!”

The crowd erupts in voracious applauses as the gates open and Spartacus leads his crew out to the arena. He is followed closely behind by an exuberant Gannicus, a determined Crixus, and the ever stoic Oenomaus. The rest of the Murderflies take their positions in the sand as directed to them by Spartacus as they await the arrival of their opponents.

The hiss of hydraulics then fills the air as Mecha-Hitler arises and takes his place on the balcony. The audience falls silent as he begins to speak.

“Ah, very vell said, herr Batiatus. But your vords vill not be enou….”

“Great story. Compelling and rich. Uhh, I got this one robot man,” says Ron Burgundy as he stands up and knocks back the rest of his glass of scotch.

“Vhat?! I am not Robot Man,” replies Mech-Hitler. “I am ze one and only Mecha-Hitler!”

“Your mustache is hilarious. It isn’t even finished,” Ron Burgundy says. He then turns his attention to a confused Roman audience. “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. Um, I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany…”

The audience begins to grow unruly, and they are not the only ones. Agron takes aim and launches a spear towards Ron Burgundy up in the balcony. He however, barely misses the anchorman, who had just turned out of the way to re-fill his glass with delicious scotch. The spear does however drive through the chest of Lucretia Batiatus, who was sitting in the balcony as well. Spartacus snaps his head around in anger to Agron, who simply shrugs his shoulders and lets out a chuckle.

“Channel 4 Action News Team! Let’s do this,” says Ron Burgundy as he ignites his lightsaber. Ron leaps off the balcony and leads his team into battle.

The News Team then finds themselves surrounded by the gladiators. Brian Fantana is dropkicked back by Varro as Champ gets attacked by Gannicus. Barca lets out a vicious roar at Brick, who in turns yells right back. Both, wielding tridents, rush towards each other. Barca, however, is a trained gladiator and easily dodges Brick’s attack and skewers him with his trident. The first of the Action 4 News Team falls. But he is certainly not the last. Champ Kind is totally outclassed by Gannicus and has both of his arms sliced off by the former “Champion of Capua.” Brian Fantana is desperately trying to fend of Varro, but is quickly backed up against the wall. Varro arrogantly waltzes toward the lead field reporter, which proves to be his undoing. Ron runs up behind him and drives his lightsaber through Varro’s back.

“Well… when in Rome,” Ron says as he drops the gladiator.

Veronica Corningstone sees the trio of Naevia, Mira and Melitta behind all of the gladiators. She takes aim with her rocket launcher and lets one off the chain. The women leap out of the way and evade the incoming rocket. A large section of the crowd however, is not so lucky. The rocket explodes into the stands and takes out several hundred viewers. Naevia then leads the women against Veronica who finds herself now being triple-teamed. Melitta distracts her as Mira fires an arrow through Veronica’s eye, killing her. Baxter the Dog runs up and bites Naevia on the ankle, which causes her to let out a scream. This attracts the attention of her lover, Crixus. The Gaul runs over and punts the little dog in the head, sending his lifeless body hurdling across the arena floor. He goes to tend to Naevia, who assures him that she is fine.

Ron and Brian find themselves alone against the whole of the Murderflies. Brian begins to cry uncontrollably. Burgundy pulls out a flask full of scotch and finishes it off in no time. The gladiators begin to close in, when Barca is frozen solid in place in a block of ice. The two remaining members of the News Team spin around to see Sub-Zero and the rest of the Dope Fiends finally arriving to the battle. Fantana is overwhelmed with relief that his immediately throws up all over the arena floor, which causes the audience to let out an audible groan. Sub-Zero slides underneath Agron’s swipe of his sword and uppercuts the frozen Barca, exploding the block of ice and the gladiator inside.

“Great Odin’s raven!” exclaims Ron upon seeing Sub-Zero’s move.

The crowd is now in a frenzied state of drunken cheering as the battle nears its apex. Damien Thornn flies in just in time to see Mrs. Baylock and his trusted rotwiller gutted by Altair Ibn-La’Ahad and Ezio Auditore da Firenze. The Anti-Christ fires several blasts from his Yellow Lantern ring at the assassins, but they manage to evade the attack. The small boy lands on the arena sands and begins to calmly walk toward the duo. They race over to a large gate and pull its doors open. A massive Rancor stomps his way out of the shadows and focuses on Damien. The monstrous creature lunges down and snaps the boy up in its jaws. The head of the Rancor then explodes in a burst of yellow energy as Damien Thornn rises out from it. The crowd lets out a loud “ohhhhhhhh!!!” as the beast falls.

Venom sneaks up behind Quick Draw McGraw and dispatches the horse before being knocked into the crowd by the Prince of Persia. Venom looks up just in time to see a machete slamming down into his skull, courtesy of Machete. He turns and gives the Prince of Persia a nod as he runs of to find more victims.

As the battle spills out of the arena and into the stands, Batiatus tries to flee, but is stopped by Mecha-Hitler. The cyborg dictator takes aim and aerates Quintus with his quad chain guns. Spartacus sees this and races towards the balcony. He uses the shield of Crixus as a ramp, and leaps into the air, sword drawn. Spartacus drives his blade right into Hitler’s face and splits it in two. The crowd erupts in applause at the sight of the “Bringer of Rain.” He then leaps off the balcony and targets Sub-Zero who has just ripped the spine out of the Italian Assassin. The ninja fires an ice blast that Spartacus easily dodges. However, the Prince of Persia is blindsided by it and is frozen solid, which allows Ron Burgundy to slice him in half with his lightsaber. Sub-Zero fires another ice blast that Spartacus blocks with his shield. He is however, forced to drop the shield, as it is now caked in ice. Sub-Zero slides towards the gladiator and knocks him off his feet. Spartacus rolls out of the way of another ice attack. He leaps up and connects with a hard knee to the chin, which catapults Sub-Zero into the air and down onto his back. The descendant of the Cryomancers flips back on to his feet and takes a stance as he concentrates. A glowing ball of ice begins to form between the Lin Kuei ninja’s hands as he continues to concentrate. Spartacus, ever patient, stalks Sub-Zero. The two never lose eye contact. The gladiator the begins to run right towards the kombatant. Sub-Zero lets out a loud yell as he unleashes the massive blast of ice towards Spartacus. The Thracian narrowly slides out of the way, leaps up, comes across Sub-Zero’s torso and cuts him in half. The crowd roars, as a “Spartacus, Spartacus, Spartacus…” chant breaks out.

The trio of women from the Ludis has lured Ron Burgundy and Brian Fantana into the tunnels of the Coliseum. Mira grabs Ron and begins to tear his clothes as Melitta and Naevia undress Brian.

“Oh, why hello there,” says Ron. “Please, be careful with the suit. It’s polyester, you know.”

The women do not say a word. They just continue to undress the two remaining members of the News Team. Mira unbuckles Ron’s pants as he drops his lightsaber to the ground. Naevia takes Brian’s electrostaff so that Melitta can remove his jacket. Mira then drops to her knees and begins to perform fellatio on the anchorman. Naevia knocks Brian down and climbs on top of the reporter.

“Well this is just a delight,” says Burgundy as he closes his eyes and leans his head back in enjoyment.

“Oh, oh, oh. And here I thought we were being brought down here to our doom,” adds Fantana.

As Naevia grinds deeper and deeper onto Fantana’s groin, she reaches behind her and grabs a hold of a dagger. She leans in and whispers into Brian’s ear, “That’s exactly what it is happening.”

She plunges the dagger into Brian Fantana’s chest. He screams in agony, but Ron is too far gone into “Pleasure Town” courtesy of Mira’s amazing abilities with her throat to be able to tell that Brian’s screams are ones of excruciating pain. Melitta then takes a scarf off from around her neck and wraps it tightly around Brian’s throat and finishes him off. Mira then finishes off Ron, figuratively. She pulls away, wipes her mouth and turns to her teammates and gives them a wink. Ron then opens his eyes to see the three women, all wielding daggers, surrounding him.

“Ladies. Please, be careful with those things. You may cut my mane,” says Ron as he stands there with his pants around his ankles.

There is then a rumble from deep within the tunnels. The wall behind Burgundy explodes as Power Girl comes to her teammate’s aid. She quickly uses her heat vision to dispatch the three women and saves Ron Burgundy from certain death.

“Oh, thank the maker,” the anchorman says as he’s rescued.

“Ron…” Power Girl says. “Put your damn pants back on.” She then flies off with a slight smirk on her face after seeing the pants less Burgundy.

Back out in the arena, Teddy Roosevelt is being bombarded by the combination of Mrs. Voorhees and Damien Thornn with their respected rings. The two evil beings are quickly tiring the former President. But Oenomaus’s whip wraps around Mrs. Voorhees and slams her to the ground. Agron then tackles the Anti-Christ. The mother of Jason tries to free herself from the whip but cannot free herself at first. She then uses her red rage energy to vomit all over the taught whip, burning it to ashes. Oenomaus stumbles back as the whip snaps apart. Mrs. Voorhees spews more red rage energy at the Doctore, but he dives behind the Rancor carcass. Gannicus leaps over the Rancor next to his old friend.

“Ha, did I just see you run from an old woman?!” laughs Gannicus.

Oenomaus glares at him and replies, “Do you ever take anything seriously?”

“Hahaha. Sure I do. I take the thought of an empty glass very seriously,” jokes Gannicus.

The two gladiators then flank around the dead Rancor and double team Mrs. Voorhees. They dodge her red rage energy. Gannicus is the first to strike and jams his sword into her open mouth. Oenomaus then comes up from behind and drives his into her back. They give each other a nod of a job well done when they notice that Agron is being ripped apart by the pack of yellow energy rotwillers that Damien has created. Teddy Roosevelt has by now recovered from the double team he was facing and now is focused his energy to taking out Robot Man. The robotic Cliff Steele tries his best to defend himself, but the sheer willpower of the 26th President is too much for him and he is melted to slag by the green energy. Damien Thornn sees this and turns his attention to Teddy. But he first fires a blast of yellow energy that knocks Gannicus and Oenomaus away. Though Roosevelt is filled with willpower, there are few that can instill as much fear as the Anti-Christ can. Damien fires multiple yellow energy spikes that break through Teddy’s green energy shield and pierce Roosevelt’s body. Crixus however blindsides Damien and viciously and brutally removes first his limbs and then his head, leaving the boy a bloody torso.

As Gannicus and Oenomaus regain their composure, they noticed the burnt out husk that was once Machete and Altair Ibn-La’Ahad.

“What by Jupiter’s cock has done this?!” exclaims Oenomaus. He turns to see Gannicus’s eyes glowing and is betrayed by his own teammate. Gannicus slowly plunges his sword into Oenomaus’s gut. “Gannicus? Why?”

“Not Gannicus,” the gladiator sneers. “Proteus.” The mutant has possessed the body of Gannicus and now uses his reality warping powers to stretch Oenomaus’s body well beyond its physical limitations. He then disintegrates the Doctore.

Spartacus and Crixus find themselves as the only two remaining members of the Murderflies left still standing, now that Proteus has possessed Gannicus. The normal laughter from Gannicus now has a strange and unsettling reverberation to it. Power Girl swoops out from the tunnels below and lands next to Gannicus/Proteus. Spartacus takes Power Girl as Crixus faces off against Proteus.

Spartacus moves swiftly and surely, but Power Girl’s Kryptonian abilities allow her to easily evade the attacks. He continues his pursuit, as Ron Burgundy re-enters the fray. He ignites his lightsaber and attacks with the fervor of a Sex Panther. Spartacus barely evades the swing of the lightsaber. He spins around and thrusts his sword into the chest of Ron Burgundy. Power Girl eyes then glow red and she unleashes a blast of her heat vision. Spartacus is able to grab Burgundy’s lightsaber and block the attack just in time.

The Coliseum itself, begins to melt and warp around the combatants as Proteus unleashes more of his power. Crixus continues to battle his possessed teammate. Gannicus’s body burns faster and faster as Crixus forces Proteus back. The mutant finally burns completely through the gladiator and erupts from Gannicus’s body. He then uses his powers to open the ground beneath the Gaul and swallow him whole.

Spartacus continues to defend himself against Power Girl. She flies in and knocks Spartacus clear across the arena. Blood spurts from his mouth as he hits the sands. He rolls back up onto his feet and manages to swing the lightsaber and slashes Power Girl. She slams into the ground as she loses control of flight from the attack. When she stands up there cauterized wound across her shoulder. That is all that is on her shoulder now, due to the lightsaber cutting through her costume. Her heaving breasts are fully exposed now, which now just pisses Power Girl off. What’s left of the crowd is now fully on their feet in an uproarious fever as the sun glistens off of the sweat the drips down her cleavage. Even Spartacus cracks a smile when he sees this amazing sight. Power Girl then flies up to the Thracian in a blink of an eye. She grabs him by his throat and lifts him into the air. Spartacus cannot believe the sheer speed she just showed. Power Girl then slams Spartacus into the ground, killing him on impact. She picks her cape up off of the arena floor and wraps it around her exposed breasts.

“God, I’m glad Burgundy isn’t around to see this,” she says to herself.