George Washington's Slaves Vs. Real Man's Rabble Rausers

George Washington's Slaves are Catwoman, Batgirl (Cassandra Cain) (w/ a darksaber), Bilbo Baggins (w/ a green lightsaber), Stewie Griffin (w/ a green lantern ring), and Smurf #3.

Real Man Rabble Rausers are Jules, Vincent Vega, and The Expendables: Barney Ross, Lee Christmas, Yin Yang, Gunnar Johnson, Toll Road, Hale Caesar, and Tool.


Jules and Vincent enter in to Arkham Asylum...

{Vincent}: I don't know about this new dude were workin for man. I mean Marcellus never had us walkin in to no insane asylum to do his dirty work.

{Jules}: Hey, ya gotta do what the man wants. And now the man is Real Man. I think dude is weird too, but hey ya gotta pay da bills right? At least he's supposedly sending in a team of real bad-a**es to back us up if we need it; but if what they say about this Catwoman chick is right, than we should still have shotguns for this s*^t. If we have to take care of her.

{Vincent}: What?? We have to take her out on the town or something?

{Jules}: NO... I mean, Take CARE of her (he says as he makes a gun motion to his own head).

{Vincent}: Ahh, I get it. I get it. We should definitely have shotguns for this s*^t.

...Jules and Vincent are granted access into the ward for the criminally insane do to some prior business dealing of their boss Eric, AKA: The Real Man. The guards just nod and let them through. They approach a cell where Selena Kyle, AKA Catwoman is being held. This is a woman who has spent some time in this place over the years. She has been an inmate, traveled here with Batman, broken in, broken out, and any other manner of thing you can do in a place. This particular time, the crime boss Real Man has arranged for her to be moved here from county jail so he could get to her. He has a score to settle with the cat burglar after she broke into his mom's heavily fortified basement and stole his entire collection of Rainbow Brite VHS Tapes, only to find out later that they were worthless and give them to a children's charity in Uruguay where they still actually had VHS Players.... Real Man wants his revenge, so he has sent his two associates Jules and Vincent and then has backed them up by a crew of highly trained; but “expendable” mercenaries to back them up in case there is trouble.

… Meanwhile... George Washington has dispatched Cassandra Cain and an elite group of short people to rescue Catwoman before she is killed by the agents of The Rabble Rausers.

{Stewie}: Why is it we are doing this again?

{Batgirl}: Because Washington said so. Personally, I never ask when it comes to Catwoman. I guess she is a good guy again this week. I have been trained to fight Catwoman, and I've fought alongside her. I've broken her out of this place, and places like it, and I've also had her put in them. Sometimes she is public enemy #1, and sometimes I have to act like she's my greatest ally. In the past for me, it usually just has to do with whether of not Batman is banging her that week; but at least this time I can deal with it by telling myself that they are General Washington's orders. And that's all we need to know...

Back at the cell.

{Jules}: Well Ms. Kyle, it appears that you have done something to upset our boss. Let me ask you something. What does Real Man look like.

{Catwoman}: He looks like a b#$%h.

{Vincent}: Ha. Damn Jules, she just answered your next question too.

{Jules}: Yeah, she did. I don't know where to go with this now. And you gotta admit, she's right. Real Man does kinda look like a bitch. I guess we just gotta shoot dis Motha%^%(r.

Jules and Vincent then both raise their guns up to shoot Catwoman but she moves swiftly. She kicks out a cinderblock from the wall and pulls out a whip that she had smuggled in for her. She uses it tie both of their hands together causing them both to drop their guns. Selena then flips her long seductive legs around the neck of Vincent and cracks his neck while she sticks her clawed finger into the eye of Jules. She walks out the door of her cell casually and sees Batgirl and her team approaching. Catwoman says: “Hmm, well, if it isn't the Batbrat. You're late”.

Just then, an alarm sounds in through the aarchaic loudspeakers of Arkham and Batgirl says: “You're out of your cell, our job is to get you out of Arkham. And I have a feeling that that job is just beginning.

...Just outside the gates of Arkham...

{Barney Ross}: ALRIGHT MEN, LISTEN UP. That was the alarm which means our boys inside must not have got the job done. That's where we come in. Our job is to kill Catwoman and any teammates of hers that may be inside. I know that that sounds like a pretty nasty job; but she is a pretty dangerous chick, and this guy Eric who is paying us has enough Hello Kitty Merchandise in his basement for us to set up an ebay account and spend the rest of our lives on a beach somewhere.

The Expendables bust in through the back exit of Arkham with guns blazing.

The Slaves hear the explosion and prepare themselves by hiding in one of the many dark corridors of Arkham. They stand at the ready when Bilbo presses the button on his lightsaber. “My blade is glowing, there must be goblins near”. Says Bilbo.

Batgirl retorts: “That's a lightsaber genius. It always glows. And at this point goblins are the least of our worries”.

Stewie shakes his head and says: “What the deuce is wrong with you people. We are so screwed”.

Catwoman attempts to calm the crowd and says: “Don't worry so much. It's just a bunch of muscle bound men and some guns to over-compensate for other areas that they are lacking in. Just stick close to Batgirl and I, and we'll take care of it”.

Catwoman's words come to fruition sooner than expected when the wall next to them suddenly becomes a pile of rubble. “LET'S DO THIS”!! Ross yells.

Stewie uses his green lantern ring to make a construct of Lois, which Tool instantly falls in love with and starts hitting on. “I really need to tweak this technology, it is so 1980's”. Stewie says as he then makes the Lois construct pull out a kitchen knife and stab Tool in the heart. Gunnar picks up Smurf #3 and bites its head off and then swallows it whole. He looks over at Yin Yang and says: “No worse than eating cat, right Yang”. “My people don't eat cat, you a**hole”. Yang says awkwardly in the worst delivered line of dialogue in the story. Bilbo then leaps out of the shadows and ignites his lightsaber. He quickly runs through Toll Road; but Barney Ross screams “NO” and makes that horrible face that he has made in every movie since 1977 and empties enough rounds to kill a brontosaurus into the Hobbit. “Take this There and Back Again you little Son of a B#%$%h”!! Rambo, I mean Ross screams almost incoherently. Stewie then attempts to use his ring to reconstruct his time machine, but that task is a bit too much for the novice-baby-lantern. Gunnar takes some pleasure in shooting the baby, but as he does the incomplete time machine comes down on Hale Caesar's head killing him as well. Now that the messy stuff is out of the way, Catwoman and Batgirl leap out of the shadows and attack. The two are barely seen by The Expendable crew, as Catwoman hangs from a rafter by her knees and wraps her whip around Lee Christmas' neck. She then flips down from the ceiling and quickly takes his legs out from under him with a sweep and then brings her leg down on his right shoulder which causes the whip to break his neck. Batgirl then uses a batarang to slice open Ross's trigger hand and then removes his head with her darksaber. It is too dark and the quarters are too close for guns; but Gunner and Yang welcome the opportunity for some hand to hand combat. They both throw down their machine guns and pull out huge knives; but Catwoman and Batgirl forget to look scared. They've both seen bigger weapons, and bigger dudes. Just to throw them off, Catwoman moves towards Yang who is actually an inch or two shorter than she, while Cain moves against Gunnar, whom she is dwarfed by. Yang and Catwoman trade blows (sounds hot, but not those kind of blows) but neither of them are able to break through the other's defenses. Gunnar on the other hand is doing all of the swinging in his fight. Both he and Batgirl know that one hit from Gunnar could end this fight, which is why Batgirl's plan is simple: Don't get hit. Batgirl swings her darksaber and Gunnar realizes quickly that his knife can't block it, as it is cut in half. Gunnar throws the broken knife aside; but doesn't let up. He swings his fists wildly; but Batgirl goes down low and takes out Gunnar's leg at the knee. She then swings back around and takes off his head. Yang spin kicks Catwoman's whip out of her hand and then knocks her to the ground. He takes his knife, spinning it downward and begins a thrust down to her chest, when a darksaber flies through the air and catches Yang in the forehead. Yang falls dead as Batgirl says to Catwoman: “Well, I guess I brought some expendables with me too; but hey mission accomplished”.