Season 6, Week 2 Consolation Match: Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse vs. Shemalabama's Shit-Kickers

“Come inside, it’s fun inside!!”

            -Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Theme song

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 6, Week 2 Consolation Match located at the Pep Boys in Farmington Hills, Michigan.  They are as follows:

Grindhouse: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Crew: Mickey Mouse with Legion flight ring, Minnie Mouse with star wand, Donald Duck with red lantern ring, Daisy Duck, Goofy, Pluto, Scrooge McDuck with green lightsaber and special guest appearance by Treasure Troll #9.

Shit-Kickers: Romeo and Juliet with Orko.

Let the battle begin. . .

Tires Section. . .

Juliet sits on top of a large tire display.

Juliet:  Romeo.  O Romeo.  Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo:  Over here; now shut thy feeble mouth ye wench!  You’ll give away thine location.

Juliet listens to her young lover and cowers behind the tires located at the top of the display case.  Romeo gathers his wits and tunnels into a layer of tires. As Romeo makes his way through the tires, he comes face to face with Treasure Troll #9.  A surprised Treasure Troll attempts to alert his teammates at the whereabouts of the Grindhouse’s enemies.  Before he can, Romeo grabs the creature by its’ throat and squeezes until the greenish tint of its skin turns a shade of blue.   Treasure Troll #9 dies. 

Goofy walks through the tire aisle and notices a piece of Juliet’s dress hanging from the display.

Goofy:  Hey b@tch, how ‘bout you comin’ out to face me.

Goofy draws a socket wrench and screwdriver from his pants.  He places both tools in his elongated mouth and begins to climb the display stand.   Miraculously, Juliet throws and manages to capture Goofy with a Uniroyal.  The tire slides down Goofy’s body and his arms are pinned together by the tire.  Juliet leaps down and sees the snow tire chains.  She gathers the chains and begins to lash Goofy in the face and head with the weaponized metal. 

Goofy: Damn b@#ch; why’d you do me like that!

Goofy falls to the ground and his head becomes a puddle of brain matter and blood.  Goofy dies at the hands of the Shakespearean harlot.

Accessories Aisle. . .

Orko levitates down the aisle.  He sees Pluto and raises his arms in anticipation of casting a spell that will lead to the demise of the orange canine.  Pluto sees Orko and rises on his haunches; he begins to growl. 

Orko:  Hello puppy.  Time to die!  Bleemun Obscurus!

As always, the spell backfires and Orko is pinned to the aisle’s floor with fashion lighting. Daisy Duck and Scrooge McDuck walk up to Orko.  Pluto joins the two.  Daisy and McDuck remove a car cover from the shelf and create a tent-like structure in the aisle.  Nothing can be seen, but everything can be heard.   

Pluto emits a low growl.

Orko:  Are you going to harm a defenseless opponent?

Scrooge McDuck:  Damn straight we are ye little f#ck.

A lightsaber can be heard as it ignites.

McDuck:  Piece by f#ckin’ bloody piece. . .

The screams of Orko and maniacal laughter of both Daisy and Scrooge can be heard throughout the store. 

Tire Section. . .

Juliet is seen in front of the Michelin Man display.  Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse have the woman in their sights and fly toward Juliet.  A red pincer pulls her from the ground and she screams.

Juliet: Unhand me you foul Grindhouse creatures!

Donald Duck:  No problem b@#ch; we won’t use our hands.  Hey Mickey, time for the leaky submarine maneuver.

Mickey Mouse:  Hehe; sounds good to me friend.

The two characters violate Juliet in unmentionable ways—the leaky submarine is utilized and all holes are plugged by various means and projections.  A tattered and barely clothed Juliet crawls across the floor.  She looks up to see Daisy Duck.  Daisy points her star wand at the Shakespearean Capulet.

Daisy:  Goodnight sweet b#$ch!

The star wand ignites and sparks Juliet’s head.  She dies.

Romeo hears his beloved’s screams and races toward the violence.  The Montague sees Juliet on the ground – dead.

Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, Pluto and Scrooge McDuck all set upon the former lover of Juliet.  Donald Duck utilizes his ring and transports Romeo over to the Car Care and Maintenance Section.

Car Care and Maintenance Section. . .

Romeo is held in place by the wiring of the aisle.  Donald Duck begins to squawk “Maniac” by Michael Sembello.  While he attempts to sing, both Daisy and Minnie spray Romeo with oil and various lubricants.  Romeo sputters at the acrid smell and foul liquids covering his body.

Romeo:  Alas Juliet, I come to be with ye!

Mickey Mouse pulls out an ignition switch which has been connected to the wiring holding Romeo in place.

Mickey:  Both in Hell b#$ches!!!

Romeo bursts into flames and dies.

The theme song plays from the speakers above as the six dance together. 

It’s the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Come inside.  It’s fun inside!
M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E.

Mickey Mouse:  And now all you a$$holes see what happens to you if you f#ck with us!!!  Look forward to seeing you all real soon!