FFL Royal Rumble Part 2!

Zack Ryder grabbed A.C. Slater by his limp wrist and flipped him out of the ring as easily as a used Kleenex. “Come on, broskis, was that so hard? Dude was a vegetable.” As Slater talked trash to nobody in particular, he failed to look behind him where The Ranger had entered the ring. Cordell Walker set his eyes upon Ryder and a roundhouse kick upon the back of his head. “Ow! You’re gonna f*ck up Ice Z’s spikes bro!” Ryder shouted. He attempted to grapple Walker, but years of Texas bar fight experience allowed him to evade Zack’s grasp. The two continued this way for some time, but soon, Ryder noticed a tell in the ranger’s facial hair. Before a dodge, his mustache would stand on end; His famous Ranger Sense was tingling, and Zack knew how to stop it. From God-Knows-Where, he produced a bottle of styling gel and applied it liberally to Walker’s upper lip. He fell to the floor, his motor control atrophied after so much time being possessed by his beard. “I’m free,” Walker wheezed, “but I’m a shell of a man now. Please, end my suffering before the hair takes control again!” Before Walker could damage his dignity any further, Zack lifted him above his head and threw him to the lava waiting below. “I’m glad that’s over, Cowbros give me weird feelings! Who’s next?!” Darko Millicec was tossed into the ring and out of his element. Rather than face his foe head on, Darko chose to use his superior agility to run around Ryder like a marine around a cyberdemon, delivering punches when openings appeared. Being somewhat smarter than the potato-powered AI of Doom, however, Ryder thought to stop and extend a neck-level arm in Millicec’s path, causing him to clothesline himself. As he hit the ground, Korvus entered the ring. “I’ll make this quick, humans.” He assured the athletes. “Like you did with your hair this morning?” Ryder quipped. “Seriously sloppy br-.” Korvus bashed Ryder over the head with the flat of the Phoenix Blade, cracking his head. Using the sword like a spatula, he lifted the scrambled wrestler and disposed of him over the edge of the arena before turning to Darko. He had scurried to the corner in terror when Korvus arrived, and though he was able to outrun Zack Ryder, he was no match for the speed of a Shi’ar. Korvus ran to him and hoisted him over the ropes. Darko said something in Serbian before being dropped, and though I have no idea what it meant, it sounded like badass last words.

    Things finally got interesting when Death Adder Jr. arrived, and Korvus gladly accepted the powerful challenger. The two fought fiercely, sparks flying from their weapons with every parry. Death Adder Jr. fired lightning at Korvus, stunning him briefly. Jr. raised his axe high for a swing, but Korvus recovered and slashed his opponent’s wrist before rolling aside. The immense power of the Blade of the Phoenix proved too much for D.A.J., and his left hand was hanging loosely from his bleeding forearm. Disabled but not defeated, he grasped his axe in one hand and began blocking against Korvus’s continued assault until Dexter Jettster entered the fray to lend him a hand or four. The restaurateur ran behind Korvus and used two of those hands to grab him by the head while the other two fists pummeled his kidneys. Death Adder Jr. used the opportunity and rammed Korvus with the shoulder of his damaged arm, knocking him over Jettster behind him. Marlon Brando hopped in and approached Death Adder Jr. with raised fists. “Come on, then, show me what you’ve got. Put down that axe and fight like a man.” Death Adder Jr. complied and tossed his weapon to the floor. He let Brando take a few shots for free before clutching his wrist-stump in his right hand to bring down a double axe handle on the actor’s head. Behind him, Korvus stood as Jettster went for Death Adder Jr.’s axe. As he lifted the heavy weapon in all four hands, Korvus grabbed him for a hip toss into Jr.’s back. Furious, he resumed their battle with a rapid series of lightning bursts that keep his foe still as he approached. With his good hand, he delivered an uppercut that knocked Korvus over the ropes and into the pit. He turned back in time to see Jettster spin Brando above his head like a pizza and into his patented lava-oven as a pink portal opened in the corner beside him. Blink stepped out and took a quick look at the situation before bamf- I mean… blinking away again. Jr. ignored what he saw in favor of taking his axe back from Dexter. As he charged, a portal opened in front of him and an arm reached out to grab his. On the other end he found himself dangling above the lava pit, held by Blink who was now perched on the ropes. Prepared to die, Death Adder Jr. electrocuted Blink, causing her to lose her balance and go down with him.

    Surprisingly not dead, Dexter Jettster held his trophy axe close as Clone Trooper #51 arrived. Unarmed, he made his first priority to disarm his enemy and even the playing field. Jettster finally had the chance to use the weapon, but his poor combat experience left him clumsy and slow, and #51 grabbed the axe by the hilt and yanked it from Dexter’s hands, flinging it out of play. He attempted to sweep kick the Besalisk, but his low center of gravity proved effective and he kicked the trooper back hard. The Trooper was undoubtedly more skilled, but Jettster’s four-armed brawn allowed him to hold his own. Eventually, however, #51 broke Dexter’s guard and took him in a headlock. As they struggled against each other, Peter Griffin arrived. “Whoa, sweet! Am I in Star Wars? I wanna be Han Solo! Or Samuel L. Jackson!” The two stopped momentarily, confused by the comment. “This is the Royal Rumble. We’re fighting to toss each other into lava without the benefit of becoming Darth Vader once we’re charred.” #51 explained. “Holy crap, you mean we’re gonna burn each other alive?!” Peter shouted. “This is scarier than that time I got terrorized by Al Qaeda at a wrestling match!” Summoned by Peter’s control over cutaway gags, Al Qaeda Terrorist #8 appeared at the center of the ring. “ALLAHU AKBAR!” he screamed. “Ohhh, is Admiral Ackbar here too? Is this the trap?” Peter asked. “YOU WILL GIVE US VICTORY OR WE WILL GIVE YOU DEATH!” The Terrorist demanded. Peter knew he needed to buy some time before the situation escalated out of control. “Jeez, this is a lot of pressure… like, uh... Oh, I got it! Kind of like the time a terrorist threat got dumped on another Watcher!”