Real Man's Rabble Rousers Vs. Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions

Real Men’s Rabble Rousers are Agent Colson (w/ Destroyer Gun), Decepticon #8-10, Krayt Dragon #3, Sandworm #6, Fremen #58-63, Ginaz Swordmaster #17-19, Ancient Ginaz Swordmaster #19-21, Neo-Cymek #20, Fedayeen Shadow Warrior #13, Fedayeen #1-5, and Hammer Bros. #19-21.

Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions are Magma, Sandworms of Saturn #1-6, Fremen #1-14, Navy SEAL Chief #14, Treasure Troll #20, and Shrieker #1-6.


As the Navy SEAL Chief Petty Officer prepares his squad for a full frontal attack, SHIELD Agent Colson, takes a more stealthy approach with his squad.

Phew, this one is starting out dry already and for those of you who read Joshatu’s Horsemen/Murderfly snooze fest, I gotta make something happen here to keep you guys awake.

Yup, you got it, this is The Neon Master Pogo here, everybody’s favorite Watcher with the Big Ol’ Crotcher. Yeah, I’m gonna do my best to entertain you guys by throwing in a plethora of poop and fart jokes and keeping this thing real light hearted, unlike that butthole sniffer Joshatu who’s all like: “Yeah… the sandworm killed the sandworm and everybody was like blah blah blah they sure are big and stuff”.

Ha!! Joshatu’s like totes: “the sandworms are big, long, powerful, and they smell like cinnamon; well guess what, so does my wiener; but I know you guys don’t want to read four pages of crap about that thing (or maybe you do, ya Homos).

So let’s get down to it Pat Benatar!!... The Sandworms of Saturn come popping out of the sand all big and crap and the Turrible Decision Fremen are like: OMG I’ve seen Shai Halud take dumps bigger than those worms. Let’s ride those puny things into battle and conquer The Real Dufuses’s Taint Dabblers for realz. So the Fremen mount the sandworms, which are totally like less than half the size of the sandworms they are used to, but it isn’t as easy as they think it is gonna be. I mean first of all, they don’t even have spots for The Fremen to put their Maker Hooks and plus they have two heads like from Aliens. So Barkley’s Fremen totally start riding the Saturn Sandworms, but Fremen #5, 7, and 11 don’t live through it even though Fremen #11 does get to randomly yell: “GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH”, right before the second head from inside the bigger head eats him and stuff.

The Sandworms of Saturn start rushing in all sandwormy and stuff when all heck breaks loose and The Real Man Sandworm and The Krayt Dragon both pop out of the sand and are all like: “RARRRR LOOK HOW BIG WE ARE”!! And then Agent Colson totally destroys one of the Saturn Sandworms (#3) with his Destroyer Gun, but then Magma totally Magmas the dude and destroys the destroyer gun and then turns Colson into: Coal, Son.

The six Ginaz Swordmasters see what happened to their homeboy Colson, and are like “NOOOO” why does that guy always have to die, but at least it is a wicked way to rally people together in his name. So all six of them, ancient or otherwise rush up on Magma and she’s like: “Hey I’m a mutant and my powers of Magma are totes awesome in the desert cuz it’s way hot here anyway”. And The Ginaz Swordmasters are like: “We are all really getting used to fighting in the desert cuz everybody in the league who has us on their roster plays us in the sand cuz they assume that cuz we r from the Dune Books that we must be kicka** in the desert, which totally isn’t true, cuz we aren’t desert characters at all; but we still are awesome fighters and stuff. So the Ginaz swordsmen team up on her all fast and tough and stuff and use their shield fighting knife and sword close combat techniques to take her out (but Magma does manage to take out G.S. #18 and A.G.S. #21).

The Fremen on The Real Men Squad get to talking and they are like” “Well, we should probably climb on top of our Sandworm and Eff up some Ess”. But then they see their sandworm jump out of the sand before they even set a thumper or anything and they see the Saturn Sandworms coming their way and they get to thinking that they should prolly just let the worms handle it amongst themselves. Then, The Barkley Fremen kinda start thinking the same thing and they bail off their Saturn Sandworms and just let the desert creatures just all kinda do their own desert creature thing. Then Fremen #58-63 start fighting Fremen #1-3, and 8-10, and the two sides are like “We’re 6 Fremen, and we’re 6 Fremen too: “SHAI HALUD AND S*&T”!! And all 12 of them die.

Then the Fedayeen Shadow Warrior sneaks up on The Navy SEAL Chief; but the Chief is a little quicker than anybody expected and he totally Lone Survivors his a** with Kabar Knife.

Back in the Sandworm battle, Sandworm #6 is obviously the top dog but it is outnumbered 5 to 1. But then The Krayt Dragon rolls in and starts jacking up Beetlejuice characters too. The Decepticons then roll in to help out in their fighter jet “Seaker” triple formation and they just carpet bomb the hell out of the Saturn double-headers. Then, a whole crap load of sand got in my eyes and a bunch of big worm foreskin started flopping all over the desert and when it was all over with all The Saturn Sandworms were dead, along with all three Decepticons and The Krayt Dragon was just a big skeleton on the ground like everybody is used to from “A New Hope”. And it was just “Big Papa Dune Sandworm” standing tall, like a big brown weiner or something.

Then the 5 Fedayeen went up to the 5 remaining Fremen and were like: “Hey we’re just like non-Sci-Fi versions of you”. Which as you can figure, pretty much makes them cool but no where near as cool as The Fremen. So The Fedayeen, naturally do not live through the skirmish; but they manage to take out Fremen #12 and 14 with them.

The Hammer Bros. are trying their best to keep The Shriekers at bay by standing on a big rock outcropping and throwing… You guessed it, hammers at the mid-range Graboid incarnations; but all they manage to do is catch Treasure Troll #20 in the orange carpeted head Dead on, with a Dead On Hammer. They know they can’t hold off the Shriekers much longer, but Neo-Cymek #20 flies in to lend a hand. The fight really gets nasty now as the Shriekers are shrieking like crazy and The Neo Cymek keeps finding NEW ways to be mechanical with a cyborg brain. The Shriekers manage to take out Hammer Bros. #19 and 21; and to put down some wicked damage on The Neo-Cymek, but once the wanna be Dune Titan throws down some erratic lasgun fire the Shriekers shriek their last shriek.

The Navy SEAL Chief then rallies the remaining 3 Fremen from his squad and takes them into battle against the last 4 Ginaz Swordsmen and the fight is really pretty freakin sweet. There is like a whole bunch of kicking and punching and fast movin stuff going on, with some more kicking and knife fighting and stuff and then right when I am totally getting into it, Sandworm #6 just blasts out of the sand like a Mexican Food enema and then the match is just like: Whah Whah WHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.

And they all got eaten.

And I was just like hmm…

Weird…

Ummm…

THE END.