Season 7, Week 6: Beckerman's Backyardigan Beeyatches vs. TEAM

Beckerman's Backyardigan Beeyatches are: Terminators 18-23, Predators 36-41, Cobra Vipers 9-16, and Army Soldiers 13-24.

TEAM is: Kwisatz Haderach Chris Artrip, Sandworm #1B, Sandworm #2B, Sandworm #5B, Valkyrie #7-18, Jedi Master #8, Jedi Master #32A, Jedi Master #16B, Jedi Knight #38B, Jedi Knight #39B, Jedi Knight #40B, Krayt Dragon #5, Cock Sneak Goomba #7, and Cock Sneak Goomba #8

   Hello, Fantasy Fantasy fans, and welcome to the 2014 FFL Desert Games! We're coming to you live from the scorching outskirts of Arrakeen as today's competitors prepare for the challenges ahead of them. On the Red Team, we have TEAM, led by coach Chris Artrip, the Kwisatz Haderach himself. On the Blue Team, we have B3, making the controversial choice to allow their commons to govern themselves. The owners of today's teams have joined us for a brief pre-game interview. Now, Beckerman, what was the plan with your team set-up?

"TEAM's sand team is absolutely unstoppable."

That may be, Becks! Those sandworms are scary enough without a Krayt Dragon stomping around, but we'll just have to see how well they perform in our sports events. Now, Ed, how d- Ed? Mhm... mhm... sorry folks, my producer is telling me that Ed has left the set, apparently looking for a dinner plate for some reason. We'll be back with our first event after a word from our sponsor!

“♪Geniet er van, zo een mooi moment,
met Royco Cup-a-Soup.
Je hebt het verdient dat je jezelf verwent,
met Royco Cup-a-Soup!
Oooh! De lekkerste soep,
soep in een kop!
Dat is Royco Cup-a-Soup!♪

Een kan er maar de lekkerste zijn.”

   Ah, yes. Royco Cup-A-Soup. Only one can taste the best. Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, as we begin our starting event, the sand relay! For this three man event, TEAM has elected Valkyries 7 and 8, and the Krayt Dragon. From B3, we have Predators 36, 37, and 38. The runners have taken their positions, and... the whistle is blown! Predator 36 makes an impressive start, and Valkyrie  7 is struggling to force herself up to his speed. She comes up just short and hands off her baton to Valkyrie 8 as Predator 37 takes off ahead. Those Predators are fast, and things are looking bad for TEAM as 38 takes the baton and begins a sprint to the finish line. Valkyrie 8 reaches the Krayt Dragon and has her arm sheared clean off as it takes the baton in its jaws. As Predator 38 nears victory, the dragon spins its tremendous body around with more grace than one would expect, knocking 38 back with its tail, and spits the baton over the finish line complete with attached Valkyrie arm.

   The second game in our lineup is sudden death volleyball, where the first team to score wins! TEAM starts this round with Valkyries 9 through 12 and both their Cock Sneak Goombas, while B3 is playing Army Soldiers 13-18. Valkyie 9 serves the ball, which is returned by Army Soldier 16. The ball falls to Cock Sneak Goomba 8 and crushes it, bounces off, and goes flying under the net. It impacts Army Soldier 13's groin, fatally rupturing his testicles. Luckily, this means B3 has won the round!

   Our third and final game of the day will be a sand castle competition! Two teams of-

"Sand castles? Seriously?" Alright dude, f**k this." Chris says as he signals his team. Sandworms begin erupting from the surface, Terminators are terminating left and right, and there's more blood on the sand than a terrible game starring 50 Cent! Cut to commercial, dear God, cut to commercial!

"♪It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life,

with Mentos fresh and full of life!

Nothin' gets to you, stayin' fresh, stayin' cool,

with Mentos fresh and full of life!

Life goes better, Mentos freshness,

Life goes better with Mentos fresh and full of life!♪

Mentos: The Freshmaker."

   Ah, Mentos. Fresh truly does go better in life. Thankfully, the organized assault of the Kwisatz Haderach ended the bloodshed in the mere 30 seconds that jingle took up. Unfortunately, it didn't stop a terminator from scattering his brains to many places at once, and it couldn't keep the enormous Sandworms and Krayt Dragon from decimating every other competitor present. All in all, I'd say it's a safe bet to say we've lost our sponsorship deals. From the News Network for Fantasy Gaming (NNFG), this is Daveatu signing out.