Team Sleeping Pussy Vs. The Empire

The Empire is Gondor Soldier #10-17, Elephant #7-8, (book) Arachnid #41-43, Kobald #1-7, Speed Demon (w/ a star wand), Mole Man (w/ a laser sword), Jigsaw (w/ Jiggly Puff), Black Condor (w/ laser gun), Webstor (w/ an Indigo lantern ring), Roboto (w/ blue lightsaber), Mechaneck (w/ energy bow and arrows), Duncan Idaho Ghola #12 (w/ yellow lantern ring), Forest Gump (w/ Zapper and Proton Pack), Mike Huckabee (w/ green lantern ring), Christopher Robin (w/ 2 green lightsabbers), Doogal (w/ a green lightsaber), El Blanco (w/ green mantle (Commissioner approval pending)), Cordelia Chase (w/ Bill Kelley’s Plumb Hammer), Immell #2 (Batteldae (w/ Aaron Griswold’s estwing hammer), Copper Dragon #1-6, Brass Dragon #9-10, 8-Ball w/ 6-Ball, 9-Ball, and 11-Ball, 4-Lom and Zuckuss, Sith Lord #18-19 (Darth Barren and Darth Vegetariano), Cybertronian Guardian #8, Acklay #3, Riik #2, Krayt Dragon #4, Xenomorph #54, Rohirim #1, Jedi master #40, Watchdog #9 & 10, and Dementor #6 & 9.

Team Sleeping Pussy is Bizarro Superman, Lizard, Black Lightning, Ultron, Dr. Strange (w/ Mithril Vest), Baron Mordo, Binary, Zombie Mephisto, Korvac, Dark Beast, Devil Dinosaur, Brood Queen, Brood Alien #1-5, Savage Dragon, Obi Wan Kenobi’s Spirit, Leia Organa: Jedi Knight, La Femme Nakita, Capt. Guts, Ka-Zar, Zabu, Zombie Nightmare, D’ Spayre, MODOK, The Lone Wolf, Xenomorph #1-4, Roy Batty (w/ green lightsaber and Mandalorian Armor), Alexander Luthor, Bubastis, Jedi Knight #23A-27A, Red Dragon #23, Sardakaur Terror Troop #58-66, Horse #37-40, Shi’ Ar Warrior #7, and Storm Trooper #50.


Sith Lord #19, once the apprentice to Darth Barren, he has now become the master as his powers have exceeded that of so many Sith Lords before him. Marooned on an island in the center of the Play-off Planet Sea, Darth Vegetariano has used his mastery of the dark side to take control of the minds of his entire team, as well as taking control of The Green Mantle after it was rejected by the so-called “El Blanco” whom the The Empire owner attempted to give it to. El Blanco, the albino tremor monster, didn’t really know what to do with the all-powerful green mantle (other than eat it). Not to question the owner’s play here. I mean who wouldn’t play a 9 death unique tremor with an item it couldn’t possibly use in a 5 death week, when it just happens to be the week before a 2 death match in the desert?? That’s almost as cool as somebody killing off their last two sandworms in the big week as fillers (#Sith Aids).

Darth Vegetariano, in all his force-laden power, not only easily has the will power to wield the Green Mantle; but has such immense will to mold the power of the mantle into working for his own twisted will. For perspective, what could possibly take more willpower than to willingly decide that you are going to single out the tastiest thing in any person’s diet and then not eat it. For one to disregard the natural and righteous right of any human to eat and enjoy the flesh of lesser forms of life demonstrates a level of willpower that more than just verges on a masochistic need toward ones own well-being. The only thing more difficult than that would be to include in your swearing off of meat: alcohol, smoking, caffeine, and chocolate…….. I mean… WHY, ……WHY GOD WHY????

But I digress…

Dark Beast has worked tirelessly to create a plan to attack Vegetable Island as The Sleeping Pussies have come to call it; but it will still prove most difficult as The Sith Lord, despite not having quite as much firepower as his opponents has fortified their position far too well. His team is prepared for any form of attack as they wait steadfast;…. And hungry. Steadfast but very very hungry. I mean vegetables and fruit are okay; but when you have a battle to fight it sure would be nice to have some meat to stick to your bones, I mean that is muscle food. Brain food, it’s just simply the stuff your body craves. I mean, it’s meat. Meat is what it is all about. Meat is what’s for dinner. Meat is the original white meat. If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?? Riddle me that one Batman?? I mean just a Slim Jim or something would do the trick. It would just be………. I’m doing it again aren’t I? Sorry. Back to the match…

The point of Vegetable Island is extremely precise; so Dark Beast no matter how closely he calculated, could not trust the teleportation abilities of any of his dark-powered teammates to get his squad there without risking high casualties before the match even started. So, they instead knock down a building from the abandoned city area of the planet and have the team climb on the platform and hold on. Bizarro Superman then lifts up the brick wall turned platform and flies in towards the fortified island at breakneck speed (it didn’t break anybody’s neck though because they are strong and well-nourished with lots of meat). Dark Beast’s plan may not seem like much at this point; but part of Dark Beast’s dark plan involved the saving of some of Team Sleeping Pussy’s top fighters from this 5-Mega-Death-Extravaganza. So despite how it may handcuff the team for this match Dark Beast thought that it was important to shield some of the better fighters for the future (he of course included himself in this batch as well). Which means that Bizarro Superman and Korvac both popped into the match for only a matter of moments to wipe out some obligatory commons before retreating towards the seemingly empty desert area. Bizarro uses a hefty dose of heat breath to wipe out all seven Gondor Soldiers, the three “WAY” smart Arachnids that were just like Heinlein intended and not tainted by the ideas of that dumb movie (not that it kept them alive any longer). The powerful bizarre Kryptonian whom I am really not in the mood to write any dialogue for also laid to waste Darth Vegetariano’s first line of defense The Cybertronian Guardian #8 by rocketing through the center of the extra large Omega Supreme rip-off before retreating away as Dark Beast intended. Korvac refuses to be outdone by his stone-faced dolt of a teammate and goes all super-powerie-explosive-bad-guy on The Empire’s elephants, Kobalds, Dementors, and Acklay before he grabs a hold of Dark Beast and joins Bizarro Superman in the desert. Baron Mordo is scheduled to join the retreat as well and casts a good dose of bad magic on Jedi Master #40, which takes out his homeboy Rohirim #1 as well.

With the retreat of The Power-Pussies, all hell breaks loose with the full-frontal attack on The Empire. Darth Vegetariano, from within his makeshift throne room begins sending out his squad in waves to defend Vegetable Island.

The Copper Dragons fly out first and swarm Red Dragon #23. The larger red dragon manages to take out Copper Dragon #3 & 4 before the rest of them rip it apart. But The Queen and her Brood leap all over the four remaining Copper and 2 Bronze Dragons that have come out from around the small palace to lend them a hand. Only the Queen and #2 are left alive once the last dragon is killed. The two of them are killed by Xenomorph #54, because well let’s face it, there’s nothing like the real thing.

Devil Dinosaur catches a yellow energy infused sword to the brain from Duncan Idaho, and so does La Femme Nikita; but not before she falls madly in love with the studly embodiment of Atreides honor. Capt. Guts then avenges his teammates with a perfectly placed, deadly kick to the chest of Idaho.

Zombie Nightmare then wipes out 8-Ball and his crew with some dead and scary stuff; but Darth Vegetariano’s former master and now apprentice Lord Barren takes out the Zombie Freddy Krueger rip-off with a Force Whirlwind (shout out Super Shadow).

Batteldae puts a goalie-stickerang into the dome of Shi’Ar Warrior #7, but then gets his neck broken by Savage Dragon, on his way to kicking the head off of Xenomorph #54. Jigsaw then chooses Jiggly Puff who does his jiggle err whatever attack on Savage Dragon to finish him off.

With the help and guidance of Kenobi’s spirit, Princess Leia leads the group of Jedi Knights they decapitate Cordelia Chase, and take out the two Watchdogs on their way to battling The Riik, whom they are able to take out but the Jedis are caught from behind by the laser and energy blasts of Webstor and Roboto. Dr. Strange is able to show up and save Leia as he wiped out both of her attackers before being caught in the proton containment blast from Forest Gump and then finished off by a blaster shot from the best GODDAMN SOLDIER ON THE TEAM.

Back in the desert….

Dark Beast and his “Too good for the battle trio” are about to start on the six pack of Miller Lite that the mutant smuggled in to celebrate with, when they realize that it was not the entire Empire Squad that was transported to Vegetable island. El Blanco and Krayt Dragon #4 burst out of the sand and begin fiercely attacking. El Blanco swallows Baron Mordo into the ground with ease before he consumes him. El Blanco, who is plenty powerful is managing to do this without the green mantle that his owner attempted to give to the albino tremor. I mean, not to criticize the owner of The Empire or anything. I mean, it was a great play. Not to mention playing this 9 death unique tremor in a 5 death week. Oh wait I’m not only mentioning it now, but I did already (my bad). It’s not like we have a 2 death desert week coming up or anything….. El Blanco gets ripped apart by Korvac’s cosmic mightiness. Dark Beast then diverts the attention of The Krayt Dragon to lure him out of the sand; so Bizarro can use his freeze vision to destroy the hot weather predator.

Mike Huckabee then uses his green lantern ring mixed with the power of JESUS to finish off the undead Mephisto, while Speed Demon and Mole Man combine their skills and FFL given weaponry to take out Binary and Roy Batty who was flying around like a lunatic in his Mandalorian suit.

4-Lom and Zuckuss pop out from cover and go nuts with their blaster rifles; taking out Capt. Guts, Ka-Zar, Zabu, Lizard, and Black Lightning; but they are then sniped off by The Lone Wolf.

Darth Vegetariano himself leads the final charge, with his whole team following close behind. They mow through the remaining Xenomorphs, the Sardakaurs on horseback, Storm Trooper #50, the very smart looking Alexander Luthor and his very smart creature Bubastis (Bubastis hangs out with Luthor when Ozymandias isn’t around), MODOK, and D’ Spayre.

The Lone Wolf from atop his perched vantage point screams “THAT’S IT”, as he reaches into his pocket and activates Ultron. Ultron boots up and comes out guns blazing, while The Lone Wolf provides cover for the super-advanced robot. The two of them easily take out Speed Demon, Mole Man, Jigsaw & Jiggly Puff, Black Condor, Mechaneck, Forest Gump, Christopher Robin, and Doogal, before The Huckster uses all of the money he made from Fox News for the last 4 years and won’t be needing for a presidential run to use bring in a fly by from every U.N. ignored mercenary group operating on the planet to wipe out both Ultron and his Norrisized partner. Princess Leia then chops off the Huckamaniac at the neck on her way to battling the two remaining Sith Lords.

Vegetariano and Barren double team her from both sides (ha) but she quickly takes out Barren with a lightsaber stab to the heart. Vegetariano then takes her off guard while she is pulling her saber from Lord Barren. Leia swings with her saber with all her might to remove the head of Darth Vegetariano, but he manages to slide his celery-smelling red lightsaber into her chest just before his head falls from his body.

As Leia lay on the ground gasping for her last breath, she see the face of Old Ben: her brother’s old master, who sacrifices the rest of his force power to save her life…….