The Gentle First President Vs. The Phoenix Suns

A rotary landline buzzes and rings away while Joshatu waits on the other end of the line.

{RINGGGGGGGG RINGGGGGGGG..........}.........

Pogo: Uhhhhhhhh.... Hel-low.

Joshatu: Why aren't you at your match.

Pogo: Umm, I am. I'm totally here, ready to be a watcher and stuff.

Joshatu: No you aren't. I just called you at home and you answered. Which means you overslept AGAIN and are hanging at your dirt apartment; when you were supposed to be in Metropolis three hours ago. I NEED THIS MATCH WATCHED YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF TRASH!!

Pogo: Yeah. Yeah. I deserved that. Umm, I can be there in an hour or two, I just need a shower and some food, and I need to stop at the Dollar Store for hair gel, but then I can be right over.

Joshatu: Nevermind. You're pathetic. I'll just watch them both.

Pogo: But they'll be going on at the same time. All four teams will be there. That'll be.......

Joshatu: Shut up Pogo. I'll figure it out. I always do.



Barkley's TEAM Vs. The Gentle House Elves

TEAM is Superman, Superboy, Loki (w/ Sceptre and Space Stone), The Collector (w/ Reality Stone), Tripticon (w/ Brunt and Full Tilt), Scorpononk (w/ Lord Zarack and Fasttrack), The Constructicons (Bonecrusher, Buckethead, Hightower, Long Haul, Quickmix, and Scavenger), Bill Rizer and Lance Beam, Kefka, Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson, and Hammer Bros. #1-4.

Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions are The Spectre, Hal Jordan, Al Capone (w/ Power Ring) on a Speeder Bike, Saint Walker (w/ a green lantern ring), Cyborg, Resplendent Man, Lex Luthor, Alan Scott, Skeletor, Robo-Barkley, Fortress Maximus, Star Sapphire, and Terminator #1.

Be Gentle It's My First Time is Doomsday. Zilla, Megalon, King Ghodira, The Cloverfield Monster, Black Goku, Goku (w/ a green lantern ring), Steppenwolfe, Green Lantern #1-2, Dr. Conner Weidman (w/ Power Ring) on Allosaurus #1

George Washington's House Elves are Bizarro Superman, Gandalf the Grey, Thor, Godzilla, Iron Man, Black Bolt, Agent Smith, Harry Potter, Dumbledore, and Vampire #5-9.



Superman converses with his former arch-enemy and now de-facto teammate Lex Luthor in their massive fortress set up in the now unrecognizable city of Metropolis.

Superman speaks: “Well Lex, it looks we both have lost already. It was my duty to protect Metropolis and yours to take it over. From what I am seeing Metropolis doesn't even exist anymore”.

Lex retrorts: “On the contrary Kal. Now that we have Tripticon, Fortress Maximus, and Scorpononk combined in the place where the antiquated Metropolis once stood, we will create an Empire far beyond my wildest dreams”.

“Accept for when we are under attack and the city itself must transform to protect itself. Then what happens to the people residing inside”??

“Always the humanitarian Kal. What better protection is there than three city size Transformers?? And now that I have inserted Robo-Barkley into the spark of The Constructicons, Devastator is now faster, stronger, and capable of even more turrible damage when formed. The Washington/Be Gentle Team-up will have to bring more than a few Super-heroes to even make a dent in our defenses”.

**In the outskirts of the city, The Illuminati of the Gentle House Elves meets and formulates their plan of attack**

Gandalf, Dumbledore, Tony Stark, and Dr. Weidman are sitting at a small table in the tent of forward command. “Our actions decided upon here will set a battle in motion that has not been rivaled since the Second Age”. Says Gandalf.

“This is true Gandalf. We must be cautious”. Replies Albus.

Stark pipes in: “I'm not sure what has got the old guys so worried. We got magic coming from them. We have a truckload of giant monsters donated by Dr. Connely over here”.

“That's Conner”. The Paleontologist interrupts.

“Yeah, that's what I said. Conner's big monsters, Magical fruitcakes, some serious heavy hitters, and most importantly: Me. Now let's do this. Plan is simple. The big monsters go in first. The super-strong toughies come next. Then us super-smart dudes rush in and finish this thing. Who's with me”??

Gandalf groans and speaks: “Hmm, I remain critical of your arrogance Mr. Stark, but the plan seems just. This must work”.

“Let us begin. Send the beasts” says Dumbledore.

As planned by The Gentle Elves, the massive group of Kaiju come trouncing into Metropolis, but Luthor has defensive plans of his own. The massive giants of The First Time Washington crew are the first line of offense and are met by another group of giants that are the first line of defense for the Turrible TEAM.

Fortress Maximus, Tripticon, and Scorpononk all begin the process of transforming into massive robot form, while The Constructicons merge to form Robo-Devastator-Barkley. Godzilla clashes with Fortress Maximus, Zilla with Tripticon, Scorpononk with King Ghodira, and Devastator battles with Megalon, while The Cloverfield Monster lends some support to his monster brethren.

Perhaps no where near as large, but just as powerful Doomsday comes onto the scene and begins to search for the character we all know he came to fight, while leaving a trail of destruction in his wake. Superman knows this as well and lands before Doomsday ready to do battle with the only being who has really proven to be worth his match. Doomsday and Superman begin to clash as they have before and the contest seems to be just as pitched as it has always been.

Bizarro, Steppenwolfe, Gandalf, and Dumbledore square off agianst Hal Jordan, Skeletor, Alan Scott, and Saint Walker in the center of time square, while Thor, Harry Potter, Iron Man, the Gokus, and Agent Smith fight Kefka, Cyborg, Loki, Resplendent Man, Star Sapphire, and The Spectre on top of The Daily Planet; but the battles quickly meld together and begin to go back and forth.

As battles erupt all over Metropolis, it is nearly impossible to tell which duo of teams is on top. The Spectre proclaims that his powers are god-like, when Thor reminds him that he actually is a god by throwing his hammer threw The Spectre's face. Godzilla kicks Fortress Maximus in the chest and then rips off his right arm while hitting the two head master units of Fortress Maximus with lightning breath. Star Sapphire, Loki, The Collector, and Cyborg run into some trouble when Harry and Dumbledore reunite and hit them with a double-double avada kedavra.

Al Capone boosts his own power level by 15% and mows down some vampires on his speeder bike, but gets a super fast karate chop to the throat from Agent Smith.

As Joshatu the great and powerful spends fifteen minutes staring at his laptop and trying to think of ways to not make Ed and Conner butthurt by showing wicked amounts of love to Kefka, Goku, and Black Goku, he realizes that it is an impossible task and probably shouldn't try so hard. So instead, I will simply acknowledge that they are ridiculously powerful “certified universe destroyers” and that I cannot possibly even understand how powerful they are. As I watch cluelessly, unable to interpret the battle, Kefka, Goku, and Black Goku all die in a spark of cosmic awesomeness. Bill Rizer and Lance Beam on the other hand are totally awesome 80s ripoffs who are amazing characters from an amazing video game; but the Gokus and Kefka are so powerful that their death explosion takes all 30 of the Contra characters lives.

Black Bolt does his best Jar Jar Binks impersonation and slips on a piece of poop and dies.

As the Doomsday and Superman fight rages on, Superboy jumps in and tries to help out the genetic material donor that helped bring him into existence. Doomsday is enraged by the idea that somebody would interrupt the fight he was born for. Superboy simply has not absorbed enough of the rays of the earth's yellow sun. He could not survive the onslaught of Doomsday's flurry of punches and quickly goes down to the might of Doomsday. As Superman rejoins the fight he is now enraged as well. The two green lanterns of Be Gentle attempt to lend a hand to Doomsday, but they are even less successful than Superboy. Superman simply turns his head and blasts the two alien lanterns with heat vision. As the two lanterns die, their two rings instantly fly onto the fingers of Superman and Doomsday who are both fueled by the will to destroy one another.

Tripticon and Zilla's groans and screams are translated into English and we realize they are debating who the better Godzilla rip-off is. But the answer is Tripticon, since he is made of metal and Zilla isn't. This is why Tripticon comes out on top of the fight.

Scorpononk is also made out of metal and fighting a giant monster who is not; but King Ghodhira is “lit” as people younger than me like to say; so the fight goes a little different.

Devastator versus Megalon would have been pretty legit, but with the adding of Charles Barkley's Turrible skills into the mix, the self-proclaimed “Most powerful Decepticon” proves his worth and delivers a massive roundhouse kick to the throat of Megalon that sends him and his mega-metal-rock arms down for the count.

Conner comes riding in on his Allosaurus, which he has named Goku just to make his roster even more confusing and devours all four Hammer Bros. while he maniacally laughs atop his dinosaur steed.

Tyson and Ali are about to square off against Steppenwolfe; but a series of nearby explosions sends them running into an abandoned wharehouse off the docks of Metropolis. “Get in here gorilla, or I'll punch the black off you” says Ali to Tyson as they jump into a large crate for cover. He finishes: “You best listen to me little Mike, I'm the best boxer to ever live”.

Tyson replies: “What?!!? There be billions of boxers better dan you. I'll eat yo children. Praise Allah”.

So they do both praise Allah together. It's a really nice moment. You shoulda been there.

Hal Jordan and Gandalf get in an argument about who is Josh's favorite character in this match and it becomes so intense that both of their heads explode. They do some really cool green lantern and magic stuff beforehand though.

Saint Walker uses his initial blue lantern ring to charge his new green lantern ring to 200%. He flies in fast to take on Agent Smith, but the head of the agents and dissenter of the Matrix system is still too fast for the alien double lantern wielder. Smith is able to break through the energy aura defenses of Saint Walker and vibrate a hand through his chest.

Bizarro may be significantly more powerful than Lex Luthor, but Luthor has proved himself a match for the regular Superman with all of his intelligence many times. Bizarro is a much easier mark. Luthor is able to entice Bizarro into one of his secret Metropolis lairs and hit him with a reverse engineered Kryptonite blast that obliterates the powers of Bizarro and makes him die powerless.

Alan Scott makes a move towards Thor and is able to keep the god of Thunder on the defensive for quite a while with his magical green lantern blasts. But Thor manages to bring the Hammer down on the Golden Age Green Lantern, whose ring shatters as he uses the last of his power to shield himself. Scott, falls down defenseless as Thor leaves to find another opponent.

The Terminator at first shows off his durability against Iron Man, but Tony Stark turns up the heat and blasts the futuristic robot to pieces with a flurry of mini-bot explosives.

Harry and his mentor Dumbledore are combining forces against Skeletor and they seem to have the upper hand. Skeletor does his best to use his powers of Snake Mountain, harnessed through his staff and sword to absorb and repel the attacks of the wizards, but the Hogwart grads turn up the power. As the magic becomes too much for annyone to handle, Resplendent Man rushes in and delivers a power-packed punch to the sword of Skeletor. Resplendent Man is blown back by the force of the explosion, while Dumbledore, Harry, and Skeletor are engulfed in it.

Steppenwolfe does not learn from the mistakes of others and attempts to once again interfere with the fight of Superman and Doomsday. The minion of Darkseid jumps into the center of the heated battle and gets in one good sucker punch on Supes. Superman, exhausted from this epic battle grabs the helmet of Steppenwolfe with one hand and his torso with the other. Steppenwolfe's head is ripped clean off as the battle resumes. But the inevitable moment we have been waiting for is upon us as Superman and Doomsday lean back and level each other with punches that could send a planet off its axis. Doomsday dies instantly, while Superman lies on the ground with his neck broken. The green lantern ring keeps him together for a few moments as the Last Son of Krypton finally unleashses the power held within him. An enormous blast of heat vision erupts from the dying body of Superman that slices the nearby Godzilla in half.

Iron Man flies up behind Dr. Conner and gets him to scurry over behind a collapsing building. “You ready for Plan B buddy”??

Conner retorts: “You definitely did not mention a Plan B”.

“Of course I didn't mention it before. Where did you get that phd from, Schoolcraft?? I didn't mention it before because I just thought of it”. Says Tony.

“Well, what's the plan, super-genius”?? Responds Conner sarcastically.

“We channel Thor's lightning power and we blow up the big monsters”. Says Stark.

Little does Conner and Iron Man realize, but the plan is already underway. Agent Smith has already begun disrupting the circuitry of Tripticon and Devastator by being part of the master code and the two enormous Decepticons are already locked in deathly combat with King Ghodira and the Cloverfield Monster. Luthor senses that Iron Man and Conner have a plan when he approaches the two. Iron Man sends a laser blast through the chest of Luthor while screaming to Thor to “FINISH IT”. Thor swings his hammer wildly and then throws it into the large melee. The monsters and gestalts all go down in a huge mix of power surge.

Resplendent Man sees that even with his Kryptonian derived powers he is no match for the power that has just been displayed. The meek looking native of Metropolis throws the wounded and powerless Alan Scott over his shoulder and grabs the box containing the world's two best boxers as he retreats to safety.....